Original subtitles

What's wrong with Daddy?

Oh, he's just paying bills.

Nothing to concern us.

Just be happy he's not banging his head against the table.

Well, I'm signing now, Lord.

Please just smite me before I get to the Y in "Bundy."

Oh, give me that pen.

Bundy.

Yet another thing you start that I finish.

Well, now that that's done, how about taking us to the movies?

Well, perhaps you were fooled by the opulent luxury of our home.

You see, believe it or not, we're broke.

Now, I know I've said we're broke before...

...and you've all been very brave and spent anyway...

...but it's really time to tighten our belts.

Now, Peg, what can you do without?

Apparently, an orgasm.

Way to get one.

Kelly, and you?

Well, I think that we all could do without war, Daddy.

Now do you think you should have gained more than five pounds...

...when you were pregnant with her?

There must be somebody around here...

...that can think of a way to save money.

Hey, Dad, I got my license.

Can I have a new car?

Daddy's broke. You're gonna have to ask Mommy to get one for you.

- Mommy, can have a new car? - Sure you can.

Well, what the hell, new cars for everyone.

Quiet, you morons.

There's gonna be no new cars and no new drivers.

I already can't afford insurance.

What, with Kelly here and the U-turn queen.

It's not my fault that they always put sales on the other side of the street.

Dad, all my friends are driving.

Well, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?

Look, forget a car.

There's no reason to take one when you can take a perfectly good bus.

Oh, yeah, I'd look real cool picking up that special date in the old bus.

And you know what all the guys say:

"For a handful of girl, give the bus a whirl."

Oh, come on, Al.

You were worried about Kelly driving...

...and in the past year she's only gotten two or three tickets.

And it would have been four if I hadn't outran those last cops.

They were fast enough to keep up with me...

...going the wrong way on the expressway...

...but when it came time to jump that drawbridge...

...they just didn't have the guts.

Well, I guess that solves the mystery of the bullet hole in my gas tank.

Look, Bud, how about this?

Whenever you wanna go someplace, I'll take you.

It'll be fun. And that way, the skirts will think I'm just one of your cool friends.

Oh, yeah.

Then you could even have a cool nickname like "Jowl Boy."

Son, let this be a lesson to you.

Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

Fly.

Tapeworm.

What's that?

Oh, that's Dad's car stereo.

Since we've been cruising together, he let me fix it up a little.

Fifteen-hundred watts and no volume control.

With the right song, you can drop a bird at 100 yards.

Cool.

Hey, Daddy, can I use the car tonight?

What?

What?

Mom! Daddy's deaf again!

Oh, I'll fix it.

Is that your way of telling me we're out of Q-tips?

Honey, if it's good enough for the toilet, they're good enough for you.

- So how was your day, sweetie? - Well, it was fine.

Just me, cruising around, listening to the oldies channel at 1500 watts.

Made a lot of new friends.

Take Officer Lewis, for example.

Unfortunately, I couldn't hear his siren at first, but luckily...

...police cars are now equipped with rammers...

...that gently eased me into the rail.

Luckily, the cop liked oldies...

...so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude."

Then he wrote me up 18 tickets.

Including the one for bleeding on his pad.

How was your day?

Quit whining, Dad.

Put on the Bon Jovi hair, and let's roll.

Gee, honey, you look like Tarzan.

He was old and gay.

Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.

Come on, son, let's roll.

No way. The car's mine tonight.

Come on, Daddy. If not, I have to stand a street corner...

...and listen to guys yell insulting remarks and make kissing sounds.

I'm sorry, honey. We didn't know that was you.

Now, forget it, Kel, that car is mine tonight.

- Mine. - Mine!

- Mine! - That's enough, devil dogs!

Now, I can't take anymore of this.

I'm gonna get car insurance for him...

...and you two can fight over the car to the death.

Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips and Insurance?

Al Bundy here. Hi, Jim.

Listen, how much to put my son on my insurance?

How old?

- Sixteen. - He's 16.

If you think I'm gonna pay that much...

...you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna.

You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.

Well, what'd he say, Al?

Nothing I haven't said myself.

Now, look, Jim, if that's the best you can do for a lifetime friend...

...someone who never told the police what your catch of the day really is...

...then you can take my insurance and stuff it.

That's right, all of it!

There, family. Al Bundy takes guff from no one.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

All right, I'm going to give you the keys.

- Look out. Get out of the way. - Mine, mine.

- Me, me, me. - Look out.

Now, hold it. Just remember, the one who drives, be very careful...

...because as you know, we don't have--

- Give me those! - Look out!

Be very careful because we don't have any-- Oh, the hell.

Well, at least my pain is gone.

Al?

Honey, you know, I may just be the wife of a moron...

...but isn't cancelling our insurance...

...and giving the car keys to two teenagers the work of, well...

...the Dalai Lama of morons?

Peg, we don't need insurance.

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, you never get anything back.

Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Peg, I'm a real hero.

For once, there's one man brave enough to stand up and say...

...he doesn't need any stinking car ins--

- Is that my car? - Yeah.

- Are the kids hurt? - No.

Then I have to do it myself.

Gee, what a wreck!

A 500 SL Mercedes?

You had to hit an $100,000 Mercedes?

You know, it's amazing.

Your Dodge, with the high blue-book value of $70...

...sliced right through that Kraut car like toast.

I'm telling you, it is times like these that I am proud to be an American.

That's good, Peg.

Then it'll be your job to make sure Old Glory is flying high above our heads...

...as we wait in line for free cheese.

Well, how much could it cost to fix it, huh? A half a mil?

You know he's gonna sue. That's the problem with America today.

There's jerks everywhere suing for nothing.

- He hit me, Dad. - We're suing.

Peg, get the kids some neck braces.

But, Daddy, we weren't hurt.

Why can't you be more like your brother?

You don't hear him whining he's not hurt.

Al, honey, you know we can't win a lawsuit.

Why, ever since Bundy v. the Girl Scouts of America...

...when you claimed to have choked on a bone in a butter cookie...

...no judge has ever believed a Bundy.

Like I ever had a chance.

Peg, as God as my witness...

...that judge's breath smelled of free chocolate mints.

Let's face it, Al. Our only chance is if we had a reliable witness.

Oh, God. You wanna hear something funny?

This car phone was lying by my house...

...and a policeman came over and asked me which car I thought it came from...

...the Mercedes or the Dodge.

He thought it could be yours.

A shoe salesman with a car phone.

What's that? A woman across town needs a seven triple E?

I'm on my way.

Who would've thought seeing an accident like that would be so fun?

- You saw it? - Yeah.

I saw it from the car while I was saying good night to my date.

Oh, Al. A non-Bundy as a witness. They'll believe her.

But, Peg, do you think a judge will believe that she had a date?

Honey, we could actually be rich.

All those years of pain and suffering...

...and the humiliation of having people call me Mrs. Bundy to my face...

...are finally through.

Oh, kids, go to your sick beds, for tomorrow, we sue.

Bundy!

Another accident case?

Great. I just hope it's not one of those frivolous lawsuits.

Make way, make way. A crippled family coming through.

Rum.

The case of Bundy v. Fitzwilley.

Dr. Fitzwilley is suing the Bundys for a million dollars.

The Bundys are countersuing...

...for a jillion dollars.

In cash, Your Honor.

Mr. Bundy, before we begin...

...could you tell me why your wife is wearing a neck brace...

...when she wasn't involved in the accident?

Oh, let me answer that, Your Honor.

You see, it's sex whiplash.

But it is accident related.

You see, my husband got so excited over this jillion dollars...

...that he just lost control of himself last night in bed.

He kind of caught me off guard.

He moved.

Mr. Bundy, opening statement?

Thank you, Your Honor.

And may I add that it's nice to see a woman in a robe...

...who's not wearing fuzzy slippers and a bag of Doritos in her lap.

And now, on to the lawsuit.

While carrying canned goods to their local church group...

...my beloved children, Bud...

...and the girl...

...had their futures maliciously torn asunder...

...by the merciless destruction of an Aryan super car.

Which, Your Honor, is the nightmare of your unified Germany.

Thanks to my witness...

...a professional banker and brother woman...

...we plan to prove that we deserve a jillion dollars in cash...

...and we humbly await your decision.

So, Mrs. Rhoades, you say you witnessed the accident?

- Yes, I did. - And where were you?

In my driveway. I was saying good night to my date in his car.

And could you describe how you saw the accident?

Well, we picked our heads up, and we--

Picked your heads up?

Where were your heads that you picked them up?

Well...

...down.

Hey, I know what you're thinking.

But let me set you straight. It was not our first date.

I would like the record to show that he bought me dinner first...

...and he called me the next day.

And who are you to judge me?

Do you know what it's like out there in the dating world?

Being smarter than the man but being unable to show it?

Where is the harm? Where is the harm?

So, Mrs. Rhoades, you didn't really see who was at fault, did you?

No, but the Mercedes had to be.

My ex-husband drove a Mercedes.

You may step down, Mrs. Rhoades.

He left me like the parsley on a plate at a truck-stop diner.

He loved that damned car more than he loved me.

- Bailiff. - They have to stop making those cars.

Don't you see? They're evil.

They tell the man, "You don't need a wife.

You're a cool guy. Look at that teenager over there."

It's not the men, it's the cars. I'm warning you, America.

Keep your husbands out of German cars.

Ask me what Fahrvergnügen means!

So, Ms. Bundy, the accident cost you your sight?

Yes, I am blind like the mighty oak.

Ms. Bundy, how many fingers am I holding up?

Oh, you're not gonna catch me with that one.

I'm blind.

All right.

Would you please point out the man who hit your car and blinded you?

Sure. It is that guy right there with the grey suit...

...and the little Band-Aid on his head.

You may step down.

Mr. Bundy.

Please, just call me "Big B."

No.

Mr. Bundy, I bet you're a good driver.

Ninety-eight on the written test, babe.

My boy's a winner, Peg. Not like your girl.

Brush your teeth, honey.

Now, you're a fine young man.

Do you know what they do to fine young men in the big house?

That's right, Big B.

And that's where you're headed if you perjure yourself.

So I ask you one time and one time only:

How did this accident occur?

We were playing Eyesies-Closies, my sister put her hands over my eyes...

...and I couldn't see, and I hit the gas, and I heard a terrible crash.

But the part about us being hurt was the idea of that man!

Come on, Al, you only owe $50,000.

And you have a whole month to pay it off.

Now, show some gumption.

You know what we say back home in Wanker County.

"Nothing spells loving like marrying your cousin"?

No. "When times are tough, we pull together."

So I'll tell you what. Bud and Kelly and I are gonna go to the movies...

...and leave you alone to think in peace. Come on, kids.

Dad...

...I can't help but feel somehow responsible for this.

Son, come here and let me choke you till you feel better.

- You're not mad at me, are you, Daddy? - No, pumpkin.

How many fists am I holding up?

Oh, don't worry, Al. We'll all pitch in and help.

Why, Bud can sell newspapers...

...and Kelly can twirl around till she gets dizzy...

...and I can play my accordion at parties.

Then all you have to do is come up with the rest of the 50,000.

You know, I really think this is gonna bring our family much closer together.

- Come on. - Do I really have to sell newspapers?

No, I was just saying that.

Fifty-thousand dollars.

Thirty days.

Well, you know what they say.

"When the going gets tough...

...the tough runs like a thief in the night."

Goodbye, Al Bundy.

Hello to the mysterious stranger in a logging camp.

See you on the other side, boy.

A logging man needs a logging dog.

Come on, boy. North to Alaska.