Original subtitles

Just don't get no better than this, does it Luke?

You said it, Chester.

I can't remember when the

drainage smelled sweeter.

They ain't nothing like fishing to take a man's mind off

the trials and the tribulations and the hustles

and the bustles of the

workaday world.

Yeah, you said it, Chester.

You can just sell so many

donuts and fritters,

and then you've got to

give the mind a rest.

You said it, Chester.

Fishing has a way of making a man relax.

I'll drink to that.

Get me another beer.

Heeeeere fishy, fishy, fishy...

It looks like them

carp is running tonight.

I'll tell you, it's good for a

fella to get outdoors.

Too many people take

Mother Nature for granted.

I'll drink to that.

Hey...

You oughta been with us boys last weekend.

We was out here pumping that

butane in them little ol' rabbit holes...

All right, boys.

Get ready to pack it in.

Now, you be good and

don't go out of the yard.

Promise?

Look out for the boogeyman.

Good night.

Night.

G'night.

Mom and Dad said not to go out of the yard.

Yeah, I know.

Shh.

E.T.

Mommy, Mommy!

Daddy!

Mommy!

Helllllllp!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Mommy, wake up!

Okaaaaaaay...

What's going on?

What's wrong?

There's a space monster in the basement.

Space monster?

Right.

Honey, I don't mean to criticize,

but I think you've been giving these boys too much sugar.

Maybe you better take a look.

Mmm.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Oookay.

Is this the Uker residence?

This is it.

Glad you could make it.

What seems to be the problem?

We don't know, really.

Just some cockroaches in the basement.

No big deal.

Come on in.

No problem.

I hope you know this is immoral.

Honey, the man is a trained professional.

Cockroaches?

I think you have something to tell this gentleman

before someone gets hurt.

Right.

Watch those steps down there.

It's pretty dark.

Oh, sure.

It's a space monster!

It'll rip your face off!

Timothy!

What was that all about?

There's some kind of animal down there.

And my husband's going with you.

Aren't you, dear?

I'm sure I'd just get in the man's way.

I hope there aren't any bugs down here.

They really give me the creeps.

How long you been doing this?

11 years.

See anything?

No.

How, uh... how big is it exactly?

I don't know, really.

Well, I mean... uh...

uh... bigger than a...

breadbox?

Uh... oh, probably.

Really?

How much bigger than a breadbox?

I don't know.

Looks okay to me!

What?

Well, there's nothing down here.

Are you sure?

Whatever was in here before

is gone now.

Did you look behind the washing machine?

Not there.

What about the bar stools?

I think we found something.

What about the exterminator?

I think he's got

everything under control.

Open the door! Open the door!

Please help me! Open the door!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me...

NOT THE MEATLOAF!

So long.

Your economics final

is the day after tomorrow.

My assistants will hand out study guides,

which I suggest you

look over carefully

if you intend to pass this test.

I would like to conclude the semester

with just a few words

of advice.

I know this class is

composed mostly of seniors.

And most of you who pass the test

will be looking forward

with great trepidation

toward careers in the business world.

You are now asking yourselves,

"Did I choose the right major?"

"Did I pick the right career choice?"

As you embark upon your careers

remember one thing.

Business is not just making money.

Business is the key to

this nation's future.

Business is the last real outlet

for man's resourcefulness.

Business is the sole hope for mankind's

evolutionary perseverance.

Business is garbage.

Business is the most horrible, awful,

boring waste of time

I've ever come across in my life.

If you take that executive position,

I think you could be making the biggest

mistake of your young life.

Business does have its drawbacks --

Max.

Don't make the same mistakes I did.

Try to remember

that only thing that separates

man from the lower animals is his ability

to take stupid and pointless risks

because he sees more

to life than the options

readily offered him.

It's his ability to get up and say,

"Let's go for it."

You've got to learn to take risks

if you want to get ahead in life...

Like...

King Lear.

So I should be more like King Lear?

Of course not.

King Lear was a drunken madman.

You're right.

Bad example.

But you know what I meant.

We are close. Very close.

What kind of outfit you call that?

Your disguise does not

fool me, Captain Starfighter.

You are the one who shot down my ship.

We have come to seek revenge

and take what is rightfully ours.

We have journeyed far to your planet

and will not leave until you have returned

the stolen radio transmissions

and your brave Princess Serina

is dead.

Why are you dressed like that anyway?

Is that you in there, Lester?

You will tell me where you have hidden

the secret transmissions

or you shall die.

You must be in the wrong place.

I know exactly where I am,

and I know exactly who you are.

For the last time, where are the plans?

Huh?

The plans. Where are the plans?

The plains are right here

and the chocolate-covered ones

are right over here.

No, no, no, the plans.

I want the plans from

the secret transmissions.

Hey, Maw...

Have we got any plans back there?

No.

How about a fritter?

How about a fritter?

What?

How about a fritter?

Seize the fritters.

Well, if you like them fritters,

we've got some good jelly donuts

back there, and

they're just a buck fifty-nine a dozen.

You're right.

That may be a little high.

Now tell me where the Rebel Fleet

has hidden the secret transmissions

or you shall die.

Oh... okay...

They're just right down the street here.

Five, and four, and one...

Hey there, can I help --

Ooo-wee... where'd you get that outfit?

We have come for the secret transmissions.

There is no use in denying it.

We know they are here.

Damn right.

We got transmissions ever one they make.

Now what kind of car you got?

Where is the princess?

Who?

Princess Serina,

the leader of your rebel forces.

We have come to take her away.

Oh, I got you.

Karen. Karen, get out here.

Some Martians here want to talk to you.

I think the big one there is Lester.

Well, I'm going to lunch.

It's nice to meet you.

And the Coke machine’s right over there.

So Princess Serina, at last we meet.

It has been far, far too long.

I beg your pardon?

Do not be coy.

You have eluded me for the last time.

Yeah. Well. Clever me.

Do we know each other?

Do not insult my intelligence, dear one.

Tell me where you have hidden

the transmissions that you intercepted

from Galactic Sector 1, or you shall die.

Well...

We repair transmissions

if that's what you mean.

But you got to speak to Roy about that.

I'm just the cashier.

Excuse me.

Very well.

If you wish to play games, so be it.

We shall see how well you hold up

under the game of torture.

Get her.

Roy!

Help! Roy.

Okay.

Help!

Yes, sir. I can do that.

Hey there, little fella.

Now there's a 5¢ deposit on them bottles.

Hey.

Roy!

You will give me the plans to your rebel

star base, or you shall die.

Look, I don't even know

what you're talking about.

But I think you should know the local

chamber of commerce takes a very dim view

of guys putting trash cans on their head

and issuing death threats.

And just who do you think is

going to save you, little one?

Excuse me. I was just a...

Help!

Well, well, well. Look who we have here.

I suppose you just happened

to be in the neighborhood, eh?

You know, if I'm disturbing anything,

I can come back later.

So you've come to rescue the Princess,

have you?

Me? Oh, no. Not really.

Is this the best your planet has to offer?

You obviously underestimate my power.

Get him!

I am so tired of these mercenaries

interfering with me.

I have waited a long time

for my vengeance.

Now, my dear friend,

perhaps this will aid your memory.

Wha-- what're you doing back there?

Oh, princess, why don't you just give

the big guy here what he wants

and we'll just forget the whole thing.

What do you say, huh?

Stop it!

Ohhhh...

No transmissions, eh?

So, you have hidden

the plans in the droid.

I must say that is highly unoriginal.

Kill him. Take the princess --

Whoa... ohhhhhhh...

Look out!

Don't shoot! You might damage the droid!

Grab it.

What?

Grab it.

That one!

Over there!

ACCELERATE TO HYPERSPACE!

Can't you go any faster?

I think there's something wrong

with your car.

It's not my car.

What?

It's not my car.

Well, whose car is it?

Beats me.

You mean we just stole an automobile?

Well...

Technically.

Stop kicking my seat!

What a creep.

He hurt my wrist, you know.

Why didn't you punch him or something?

Me? Oh, I would have.

I was too busy being electrocuted.

Don't stop.

That's it. Let's get out.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

After them!

Wait...

Damn...

Move your...

Wait.

You're on my leg.

You're on my leg.

My leg.

Thank you.

Well, then he lifted me up by my neck.

Right there in my own bakery.

Called me Captain Starbuster or somebody.

Yeah, we covered that.

Now get back to the swamp.

Well...

then this big flying sauce thing

just come out of no where...

Just like on the TV.

And it pointed this bright light at me

and Chester and started making these

strange noises, going...

D'you get a look at them?

Oh, yeah, Chief.

They looked like big

bug-eyed monster Martians...

Real terrible runny noses,

just real ugly.

Ain't that right?

Yeah, sure, real ugly.

How about it, Willie?

They telling the truth?

Yeah.

Sure.

You never know for sure unless you've

witnessed one yourself.

How many did you see, boys?

Well, about two --

Thirty-three.

Uh, two or thirty-three.

Somewhere in there.

Well, they kept yelling swear words

about the Earth... and America...

and country music and stuff.

Country music?

That doesn't surprise me in the least.

Who are you?

Me? I'm William Hopper.

I'm the director of the

Bureau for Research of Astral Phenomena.

Then this big hairy spider monster thing,

he come out carryin' this

great ol' big space bomb

and he blowed up my damn truck!

Wait a minute.

Your truck's outside. I saw it.

We had it fixed.

Are you sure you know how to operate this thing?

Course.

And then the big bug-eyed one came in

and said to me, he said,

"If you don't take us to the President,

we're gonna drink all your beer.”

And they did.

Yeah, drunk it all.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Excuse me, gentlemen, but, uh...

Did they try to brainwash either of you?

As a matter of fact, they did.

Well, they kept tellin' me that I was Johnny Cash.

And if I didn't do what they's ea yin',

well, they was gonna feed me to the hogs.

Let's get back to that part about when

they forced you onto their alien women.

Well...

A man's gotta do what he's gotta do.

I think they picked me for my,

you know, manly qualities because they

wanted to carry on their alien race.

What's your problem?

I think you know what my problem is,

Mr. Innocent Law Enforcement Official.

Let's just say that you better get

some reinforcement in here and

you better get it in here quick, or

else you're gonna lose this whole town.

No, scratch that.

You're gonna lose North America.

These guys can wipe out whole planets

before they eat breakfast.

What are you talkin' about?

I'm talking about the aliens.

The aliens that blew up this guy's truck.

Aliens?!

His truck's out in the parking lot.

Oh, right.

And he couldn't have had it fixed?

Get this guy outta here.

Okay. Fine. Go ahead.

Do what you have to do.

But I know that

something's going on here.

And until you admit that something's going on

a lot of innocent people's lives

are gonna be in a lot of danger

very, very soon.

Maybe we should just try

to reason with this guy.

Give me that.

Maybe we should wait until he's in a better mood.

Get them!

Who is responsible for this?

Oh, good.

I was afraid it was going to be another boring afternoon.

I know what.

We'll do it just like the cowboys used to.

We jump in the water and walk upstream.

They won't be able to see our footprints.

This is great. Really great.

I always knew I'd die a heroic death.

I'm going to be eaten by trout.

You know, I really think you're making

a mistake keeping all that hostility

bottled up inside like that.

You gotta learn

to express your true feelings.

I'm sorry. I apologize.

It's not as if I have any--

I didn't see a thing.

Any of your friends see anything at all?

Sure didn't.

Yeah... I, uh, I don't blame you

for not believing me, Chief.

It's not as though massive amounts

of evidence is just

lying around or anything.

Oh, they're small.

But they're powerful.

Why, I've seen a real angry one pick up

an entire pig and throw it.

Chief Norman, this cow has

been mutilated beyond recognition.

I seriously doubt that prairie dogs

had anything to do with it.

I'm serious.

They pick them up right over

their little heads and

throw them clean across the field.

Big pigs. 85 pounds. Incredible.

Do you ever read the

National Enquirer, Chief?

Cattle mutilations are legendary with UFOs

Look. This animal has a hole in it,

3 inches in circumference.

It starts at the left side of the

shoulder and it goes

straight through the stomach.

It's as if some incredibly hot rod

had pierced its body at

hundreds of miles an hour. Why...

I couldn't reproduce that in the lab.

You mean to tell me that

squirrels did all of this?

No, sir, not squirrels.

Aliens.

Aliens from another world.

Well, I bet it's just a

harmless college prank.

Now, by "aliens" -- you mean gophers,

chipmunks, and something of that sort?

Look, they're big, clumsy animals.

Maybe she just tripped and

fell in the dark.

Phew...

For a second there, I thought you were

gonna come out with a really

lame excuse.

Injuns more like.

We fought them here in '92.

And we'll fight "em again now.

Look.

Sooner or later,

you're going to have to help me.

Sooner or later you're going to have to admit

that something is going on here.

You'll see.

That's right. Find them and

and nuke their butts off.

My life is ruined.

I should be home studying.

Aw, cheer up. We lost them, didn't we?

I don't want to talk about it.

Boy, looks like somebody

lost their cleaning deposit.

It's locked.

Well... break in.

We can't just break in.

This is private property.

Look what I found.

Oh, no thanks. I don't drink.

Boy, you're just a fireball of

masculinity, aren't you?

I'm sorry, feel free,

but I just can't handle it.

Last glass of wine I had, you know,

the next thing I know, I woke up

and these guys were chasing me through

a cornfield with a crop duster.

This is a complicated world.

We cannot always understand the

larger mechanizations

that rule earthly events.

And I am not a man who

is easily prone to anger.

But when I think of this cow

struck down in the prime of its life,

I cannot help but feel anger.

Can a living being really be

extinguished involuntarily?

There are many who believe that this

sort of death emerges out of a

sense of hopelessness.

As Death stalked her from the rolling

hills of her own pasture,

where did Daisy lose her hope?

I did not know this cow personally.

But when I see her here,

at the peak of her productivity,

lying still within

the oaken recesses of this coffin,

I have to ask myself the question.

Why?

Why?!

Why was this bovine taken from us?!

Okay, okay.

Okay.

No, I was a sensitive kid.

I, uh, I can't remember what I was

upset about, you know?

Just the thought of

children starving in Africa.

Or no prize in my Fruit Loops.

I can't -- I can't remember.

But I just decided at

six-years-old that I was --

Seize them!

You're becoming a real pain in the neck,

you know that, buckethead?

Of course she means that

in the nicest possible way.

--$19.95, so remember, DeSalvo's

for all your hunting and fishing needs.

And we're back, and the number

tonight is 851-8540.

In case you've just tuned in,

our regularly scheduled hunting show

has been preempted by

an important interview

with William Hopper.

He's one of the country's leading

authorities of UFO phenomena.

Now, tonight we've been discussing

the possible connection

between the spate of recent UFO

sightings in the area

and today's tragic murder of one of

Lem Murdock's dairy cows.

That's right, and also we'd like to

announce that if any of you have seen

anything unusual in the

area, anything at all,

even if you think it's insignificant,

give us a call here at

the radio station tonight,

or tomorrow stop by the police

station and file a report.

That is, if you have nothing to hide.

Hello you're on the air. Good evening.

Yes, I was just wondering what your

views are on gun control.

Well, I'm for it, but I'm afraid that

we're going to have to

limit the calls tonight

to this evening's topic,

which of course is UFOs.

Thank you very much.

Hello, you're on the air.

Hello, I really enjoyed the program

on rabbit hunting last night.

Listen, I was wondering if you heard

anything about deer season opening

a week earlier this year?

Do you have a question or any

information

concerning the invasion, sir?

Uh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, go on, go on.

Thank you.

Once again, I remind you that tonight

the only topic we

are talking about is UFOs

and their sighting in the area.

Now, if you have a comment about

UFOs, call me, the number 851-8540.

I think we have a call on that

subject. Good evening, hello.

Well, if like, uh, like if the UFOs

landed and stuff, well,

would we have to be friendly to them,

you know, or could we

just kill them for fun?

You know, like with a high-powered

bolt-action Remington .222,

or maybe even a

semi-automatic Winchester...

Good evening, you're on the air.

Do you know when the

National Rifle Associa--

No, I don't. Goodbye.

Okay, that is it. I am getting mad.

This is really,

this is your last chance.

I am not kidding. I do not want to

hear any fish stories.

I don't want to hear about deer or

any animals or hunting like that.

We are talking about UFOs.

You got a call? Hello.

You got a comment?

Yeah, duck season--

I can't believe this.

Okay, that is it.

This is your last and final chance.

I mean it.

I'm reminding you, the topic tonight,

"Life on Other Planets,” "UFOs."

No hunting. No fishing.

Good evening. Hello.

Yes, I have a question

about these spacemen.

Well, go ahead then.

Um, if hypothetically speaking,

creatures from other planets

were living in Lake Lure,

what's the chance of them spotting

any freshwater trout

or maybe catfish or --

Wow. That's unbelievable.

Max, look, look at that spaceship.

Isn't that something? It's huge.

I mean, just look at

the size of that thing.

My gosh, your gas mileage

must be terrible.

Hey, watch it with that thing.

Anything yet?

I want those plans.

It is now only a matter of time.

Oh, you are strong-willed and brave,

but I remind you that

even those with nerves of steel

will crumble in agony

when submitted to hideous torture.

I think he's gonna sing.

This is your final chance,

my dear princess.

You will tell me how to retrieve

the transmission data tapes

from the droid...

or you will die.

Look, I'm telling you the truth.

We really don't know

what you're talking about.

He's obviously lying.

I'd torture him if I were you.

I have every intention of doing so.

As for you, do you have any last words?

Yeah.

Could I use your bathroom?

I drank an awful lot back there.

You will remain where you are.

Okay, now you're treading on pretty

thin ground, mister.

Now that I have the droid in my

possession, I shall personally reduce

this miserable colony to vapor.

Does your mother know

what you do for a living?

Connect the mind drain to him.

And terminate the princess.

What is it?

What?

Nonsense. I set these coordinates myself.

This is Plesteron and we are here.

I have the Princess inside.

Are you calling me a liar?

Good.

Does anyone else wish to question my

navigational abilities?

Max.

My God.

They've drained your brain

and given you a hideous haircut.

Karen?

Take this. Here's the plan.

I'm pretty sure these things

power the ship, okay?

So if we were to just borrow these

babies and maybe strand our little

alien friends for a few days,

I don't think anyone is going to make

a federal case out of it.

Got it?

Karen?

Right.

Come on.

I know where we can get tons

of these chairs.

This guy bought way too many.

Had to slash prices ridiculously low.

Let's go.

Great.

Oh my gosh, I don't know whether we should've brought the cat or not.

Stop it! Mama, Dennis got on my side.

Hey!

Hey, stop!

Hey!

Hey, wait! Wait!

Wait a second! Come back here!

Hey, we need your help!

Wait, wait, wait!

Jeez.

Well?

Over there!

Ow.

This is not my idea of a fun weekend.

Name?

Lugo, Randall Lugo.

And your occupation, Mr. Lugo?

I am a scientist, just like you.

And your address?

A planet not yet known to you.

Mm.

Why are you wearing that wetsuit?

You refer to my epidermal covering?

Yes, your "epidermal covering."

To protect myself from your sun's rays.

I have some demands.

Are those your real eyes?

Of... of course.

I have some demands.

If you Earthlings

refuse to meet these demands --

Why are they so big?

My eyes?

Why are they so large?

Right, your eyes.

Uh... well...

Is it to protect them

from that bright sunlight

on your planet?

Yeah, sure, of course.

That's right.

The sun is so big on your planet,

to accommodate all that light,

you had to grow your

eyes really big, right?

I was just getting

ready to say that. Right.

Wrong, Mr. Lugo.

I'm sorry, but if you have

all that bright sunlight,

your eyes would get

smaller, not bigger.

Oh.

That's right.

Next.

Well, that's, uh, that's quite a story

Mrs. Tundelston.

Oh, yes.

It was terrifying.

Let me get this straight.

You say these aliens,

they were small, brown,

and very, very quiet.

That's right. Yes.

Mrs. Tundelston,

I don't know exactly

how to tell you this, but I think

they were actually

some of your dog's doody piles.

Oh.

I guess that would

explain how I was able

to outwit them so easily.

Yes, that would account for it.

I guess they won't

pose much of a threat

to world security then.

No, hardly any at all.

They sucked the bone marrow out of Eddie.

Yep.

Sure did.

And then the UFO went like this...

And then it went like this...

And then it...

went like this.

May I help you?

Sir?

May I help you?

Just browsing.

Don't just stand there, flush them out!

I will be outside to finish them

when they try to escape.

Get in. I'll cover you with food.

Okay...

Wait a minute...

Do you hear something?

This is embarrassing.

I -- you're -- look, lady,

you're talking to the manager.

Ow.

All right, all right, settle down.

Quiet, please. Quiet!

During the exam, there will be no --

There will be no talking during the... uh.

Uh... uh... uh... thing... whatever...

Well, let's begin.

Can I, uh...?

Thanks.

You have exactly 24 hours

to deliver the plans to me...

...OR ELSE!

"Or else” what?

Hmmm...

Uh...

Well...

Uh...

Well, what're you going to do?

Blow up the entire town?

Well...

I don't know.

I guess.

Hey!

Why not just

annihilate every living organism

within the city limits?

What a jerk...

Okay, sure...

Why not.

Well...

Max, as I think King Lear once said,

"Let's go for it."

Ooh, that was close.

Don’t worry about me.

Go ahead and rescue the girl.

Rescue her?

Ed, you've lost a lot of blood.

Let's let the authorities handle this.

I got shot for nothing.

You haven't learned a thing.

You're such a coward.

You deserve a career in

business administration.

Ed, Ed, take it easy.

Don't you understand?

You finally found

something worth caring about.

And you're going to let it

slip through your fingers.

Max...

Sort out something important to you

and risk everything for it.

It's worse than I thought.

If what we see is only a fraction of their performance,

I shudder to think what they'll be like

when they reach full power.

It'll be a tough fight,

but we'll prevail...

as long as I'm in charge.

We've got to get to them before they

reach full operational capability.

If we don't,

we're whipped already.

Now, they're quiet now.

Fortunately, I had my boys make a

study of their tactical liabilities.

And I think I know what

they're going to do next.

I've been a military man all my life.

I almost think like the enemy.

I can anticipate the next moves.

Oo, no, I don't think we'll have to

worry about another attack

until, oh, sometime around midnight.

Give or take seven or eight hours.

Uh, they tell me that

you're going to try and blow up

the ship?

That's right.

Colonel...

I don't think I have to remind you

that there's an innocent girl

aboard that craft.

If you destroy that thing out there,

you're taking her with it.

And I don't think I need to remind you

that we've got the future of an entire

planet at stake here.

We can't risk the future of humanity

for one single individual.

I'd like to help you out,

but there just isn't time.

Of course, one has to budget one's time.

I mean, where else,

except in this great land of ours,

can you fight for what you believe in?

To face the enemy at tremendous odds,

to save one single,

precious human life,

the life of a fellow American

in distress,

no matter how

physically attractive she may be.

I believe I'm ready to take over now,

Colonel Lax.

Oh, Mr. Hopper, of course, sir.

No, no, you've gone to the well

just once too often.

There's just nothing left.

You sure all this is really necessary?

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Hey.

Eh, If it was up to me,

I'd nuke their butts off.

Sorry, Father, I...

I just can't let you go out there.

But you don't understand.

What you're planning is morally wrong.

We're all citizens of this universe.

For all we know,

these beings have come in peace

to share their infinite knowledge with us.

It's not for us to annihilate

that which we don't understand.

We've got to attempt to communicate with them.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening.

I'm going out there.

But it's -- it's too dangerous.

You'll be killed.

It is better to die in the name of peace,

than live at war with our brothers.

Hey!

Hey!

Please. Wait!

Please. It's too dangerous.

Let me go.

Worry not, son.

You must always remember

that the hand of friendship

is more powerful than the

swords of a hundred men.

Very well.

Good luck.

Oh, thanks.

But-- but-- but-- but perhaps maybe

we should just go together.

No, no.

I've got many other

important things to do.

Go.

Go rescue the girl at all costs.

And remember, 'tis better

to die in the name of peace,

than live at war with your brothers.

Of course,

there are exceptions to every rule.

Farewell.

"Greet thine enemies as I would greet thy brother..."

"Yea, though I walk, uh, through the, uh.”

"I will fear no, uh...”

And--and--and--and then "The Locusts!"

"Yea, though the table is bare..."

"Fear not the locusts..."

"Which plague thy harvest."

"For it is the meek"

"who shall inherit the Earth."

Or something to that effect.

However!

Everyone knows that it's the wise man

who avoids confrontation!

Locusts are dangerous animals.

Yeahhh...

We don't have to worry about him.

He'll be fine.

Say, Father,

do we have any more of those

cream-filled...

What were those?

Were they ladyfingers? Ding Dongs?

They were awfully good.

All right. Testing, one, two, three.

Testing, one, two, three.

This damn thing doesn't work.

Those slimy bug-eyed beggars

can't hear a word I'm saying!

Hello? What the hell is wrong with this thing?!

YEEOOWWWW!

All right. Okay. Okay.

Hello, this is William Hopper.

I'm the director of the

Bureau for Research of Astral Phenomena.

Now, I'm willing to call

a temporary ceasefire

to talk things over.

Perhaps we could strike a deal.

What do you say?

Okay, that's close enough.

Okay, freeze or we shoot.

Well... we might shoot anyway,

so you better freeze.

That's for sure.

ATTACK!

Let's get the hell outta here!

Do you have a mint?

Wow.

This is it.

I bet this is the death ray

they're gonna destroy the town with.

Quick, we gotta try and wreck it.

We surrender!

Hi.

Hi, how's that arm?

Look, uh...

I am exhausted.

And these poor guys,

these poor guys in the bunker,

they have been shooting for hours, and

Well, we were just wondering, uh...

If it's all right with you, that is --

if, uh...

if it would be okay if...

if we surrendered?

That is, if it's all right with you.

No prisoners. Prepare to die.

FIRE!

Excuse me.

What?!

Well, fix it.

Get him boys!

Go crazy!

Hit him with everything you've got!

Attack!

Attack, attack!

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Okay.

Come on out.

Woo hoo!

Ooooohhh...

Guys.

I am so damn proud of you guys.

Get out of my way. This is beautiful!

We're, uh, we're willing to reconsider.

Oh, we're willing to reconsider, are we?

Well...

I guess we're not so tough

without our little death ray, huh?

Is that what it is, big guy?

Mr. Tough Guy, huh?

Hey, what's this? What's this, huh? Huh?

Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!!

Hey, hey...

What kind of a low-budget planet are you from anyway, huh? Huh?

Cream puff, huh? Here we go.

Woop. Whoa!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks oh so much.

Oh, my...

What's, uh, what was that all about?

Oh, nothing really.

Ah. Good.

Death ray's fixed.

HEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPP!

Get outta my way, Father!

MOVE IT, FATTY!

I have a career to think about!

Move it!! MOVE IT!!!

Cover me.

Nice covering.

Oh, no--

Well...

I guess everything's under control now.

Good luck. Godspeed. How about a hug?

Ahhh... feels good, doesn't it?

Get me the hell outta here.

Hey!

The cowards. I have what I want.

Prepare for lift-off.

We shall blow this miserable colony

from the face of the planet.

Escaped?!

Abort take-off!

Ptttttt...

Stop this ship at once,

or I shall see the lot of you dead.

Ptttttttt...

I heard that.

STOP...

THIS...

SHIP!

Ooof.

It's over.

Beg your pardon?

Basically.

Aaa...

Hey, Larry.

Listen...

Boys, it's about time for bed.

Okay, hold it right there.

Throw up your head or I'll blow your hands off!

Honey, we got any of that meatloaf left?

Cowardly creature.

Unlike you, I have no need of technology

to vanquish my enemies.

Ow.

You were correct in your previous

assumption about me, Evil One.

I am Captain Starfighter,

Master of the Universe.

And now you have met your match.

'Tis hardly a fair match

when you have a weapon

and I am unarmed.

As you like it.

You are a fair man.

Give me your word that you are unarmed.

On my honor...

I am...

unarmed.

Good!

Prepare to die.

But I didn't say anything about a

super-charged electro magnet.

OOOOF.

WOOOOOOO!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!