Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Hey! ♪

What?

What?

-What? -Stop saying, "What?"

[gasps] What?

Leavo's a Trøg!

Wait a minute.

We're all Trøgs. Elves are Trøgs.

[all gasp]

And Trøgs are elves.

-[gasping] -What about molemen?

Nobody cares about molemen.

And there's one person… well, elf… well, Trøg…

Well, whatever the hell he is, we have to thank for dedicating decades

to the search that would unite us all,

Dread Pirate Leavo.

I wasted my life.

Oh! How can you say that, Leavo?

-What about your children? -They won't speak to me.

What about that fantasy novel you were writing?

Eh, the elf erotica market is oversaturated.

What about that girlfriend you always talked about?

She married Speako.

Boy, you did waste your life.

[Bean moaning]

[groans softly]

-[woman cackling] -[Bean groans]

[panting]

You're not gonna get away this time, Mom.

[exclaims]

[grunts] Gotcha! Ow!

[gasps]

[panting]

God damn it! Ugh!

[muffled screaming]

Bunty's on break.

Shall I send her in for you to yell at?

No, you'll do.

I can't figure out what these dreams mean.

What happened to my lucky boot?

Where's Mora? Where's Oona's stash?

What's the point of anything?

Only you can answer those questions,

except for the one about Oona's stash.

It was mostly catnip, and Scruffles smoked all of it.

[giggles, exclaims]

You have no idea what's going on in my head, Mop Girl.

I have no control.

Not when I'm sleeping, not when I'm awake.

Are you kidding me? You're the queen of Dreamland.

You control everything.

Maybe you should look beyond yourself

and stop acting like a spoiled, entitled brat.

My crown doesn't even fit.

From this night forward, I hereby declare the elves and Trøgs are reunited.

Throw down your arms.

[cheering]

[sighing happily]

You're all welcome to stay for our prayer meeting and success seminar.

Success seminar?

[hesitating] We just remembered we all have something else to do. Run!

Where do you think you're going, bub?

But there are so many secrets I have to blab back to Bean.

-I mean… -We have bigger plans for you.

No, no!

[screaming] No! No!

But why do I have to go to school?

I'm almost fourteen and a half, middle-aged.

I left the woods for this?

Because I want you two to grow up to be gentlemen.

And that means no fighting or shovin'.

-Now, get in there. -[Derek and Bear Boy exclaim]

Phew! Good thing I ordered all schools to be built next to these things.

[indistinct chatter]

[Zøg] To daytime drinking and parental neglect!

[crowd cheers]

-[man] Hello, boys and girls and Jerry. -[Jerry] Hello.

I'm your substitute teacher.

Where's Mrs. Gladstone?

She's out dead today.

[all cheer, gasp]

Executed her meself.

Her last words were, "Turn to page 52."

Just kiddin'. It was, "No! Oh!"

On a related note, never try to start a teachers' union.

That's just going to be a bad idea.

[whistling]

Hmm. Nerd bait. Schloop!

Gee willikers, this place is spiffy.

All we have in Hell is a little hot stuff.

[Trøgs chant in unison] I pity the fool who drinks the Goo!

I pity the fool who drinks the Goo!

No, I won't drink the Goo. You can't make me.

I'll scream for help and won't stop screaming.

[screams]

Fill his mouth with golf balls.

What?

[muffled screaming]

Schloop!

[chuckles]

[Mop Girl] Your Majesty, you've gotta stay focused.

Don't get distracted by the stupid crap that happens when you least expect it.

Bean, Bean! Elfo can fit seven golf balls in his mouth.

[laughs] Oh, man. What an idiot.

The Trøgs got him all tied up, hand and foot, and even blindfolded.

My hunch is they're gonna skin him alive and roast him. Woo!

That's horrible.

Damn, Luci, you don't care about anyone.

Aw, Bean, that hurts my feelings.

Let me show you how much I care.

[scatting]

Hello, baby. [cheers]

[blows raspberry]

[vocalizing nonsensically]

[imitates plane landing, exclaims]

[sighs]

Wait, stop! [grunts]

[chuckles]

[vocalizes, giggles]

[grunts, squeaks]

Sorry, impacted anal gland.

God, enough!

We gotta save Elfo.

To the little door.

[sqeaking]

Oh, yeah.

All right, let's get started with mathematics.

-[all] Ugh! -[Jerry] Math!

If you throw a 137-pound witch down a well that's 40 feet deep,

and her falling velocity is nine meters per second,

how long will it take for the witch to drown?

I don't know.

[laughs] Trick question! Witches don't drown, only the innocent do.

[all] Yay!

Luci, I'll never fit.

Don't worry. The tunnel is covered in slime.

You'll schloop right through.

-[groans] Ew. -[squelches]

-Ew. -[Luci] Buh-bye.

-Ew, ew, ew! -[tunnel squelching]

Ew, ew, ew…

[yelling]

[scatting]

[exclaiming]

[yells]

[exclaims]

[groans softly]

-Ew. -[Luci] Took you long enough. [chuckles]

What? There were stairs?

-Why didn't you tell me? -Yeesh.

Then I'd have to talk to you.

Oh, crap. I'm doing it now.

Yeah, everything's a big laugh for you, isn't it?

-You're toxic. -Man, you're cranky.

Look, I know you miss your mermaid, Bean,

but I got a blowfish here that might do the trick. [grunts]

Pucker up.

Hey!

You know what? Screw you and your hacky prop humor, okay?

I'll go save Elfo myself.

[Luci grunts]

Why does everyone get so mad when I put 'em through the tunnel of mucus?

Say, boys, how'd you like to play a little game called Board Silly?

-Well, that sounds friendly enough. -How do you play?

We hit you with a board, silly!

-[Derek] Ow! -[elves snickering]

Ow! What's a board?

You know what our problem was?

We brought knuckles to a board fight.

You keep whimpering like that, I'll give you a good slapping myself.

Oh! I wish we had another friend to fight with us.

[Freckles moans] Did someone say they needed a friend?

-[Derek and Bear Boy] Whoa! -'Cause I ain't available.

I didn't know these dolls were alive.

Have they been watching us this whole time?

I wish.

No, they're just toys.

I spent my whole lonely childhood praying they would talk,

and then they just sat there motionless, even when I burned 'em.

I'm Freckles.

Don't you see? Your pathetic wish brought me to life,

so I could be your enchanted little dancing wooden buddy.

It's like one of them disturbing fairy tales

with dark psychological symbolism.

I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

Oh, yes, you are.

With a big skillet, too. Ha!

Yeow!

Meh! But right now, it sounds like you could use some advice

on how to deal with those mean old street bullies.

Wait, is this going to be a lecture on how violence is never the answer?

Hell no. I'm going to teach you to fight dirty.

Those little alley squirts are going down.

[yelling nonsensically]

Ow! My elbow rods.

I like him. He's a wild card.

[vocalizing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh!

Hup, hup.

[Trøgs chanting] Hup, hup. Hup, hup. Hup, hup.

Place Elfo on the slab.

We're gathered here on this beautiful, balmy evening

in Mosquito Meadows to give Elfo the ultimate test.

What?

Now, bring on the Goo.

[Trøgs] Goo!

For only the one true savior can use the ultimate power of the Goo

to save us all.

We already tried it on the demon Luci.

It gave him wings, but beyond that… eh, not so much.

Now it's Elfo's turn.

Who knows what could happen? He could turn into a Trøg like Leavo.

It is not the character arc I had hoped for.

Or he could be the one true savior.

And who better to perform this test than a fellow savior, Bean.

-[Bean] Me? -[Trøg] Come on out, Bean.

It's not like we didn't see your big, honking head there.

Look, whatever is going on here, you are not Trøgifying Elfo.

That's right, Tiabeanie. You are.

-Now, get to it. -And if I won't?

[grunting]

You both die, sassy.

That's what saviors do anyway, right?

Okay, okay. Chill. I'll do it.

-[Trøgs cheer] -[Elfo groans, muffled]

You know what? Let me just make sure his clamps are nice and tight.

Elfo, what are you doing? You look ridiculous.

I'll stall 'em as long as I can.

You squirm your way out of there, okay?

-I can't. -You're squirming right now.

That's 'cause there's ants on the slab.

Here we go with the ants again.

If you didn't eat cookies in bed, you wouldn't have the ants.

Do you think they followed me here?

I do have crumbs in my pockets.

Ugh! You and your ants.

Come on, Bean. Pour the Goo and watch the magic.

Magic… That's the whole problem with this Kingdom.

What has magic given us?

Curses, lies, evil puppets.

But Stience has given us buzzbrighters and ass chariots and handguns.

Stience makes you smarter, and magic makes you crazy.

So please, I beg you.

Resist temptation.

Give up the Goo. Who's with me?

[crickets chirping]

The crickets have spoken. Now, give him the Goo.

[Trøgs grunt]

[gagging]

[Luci] And snatch. [vocalizing]

[Elfo] Careful, Bean.

Luci, you're the best… and the worst!

[cheers]

Fling!

[Trøgs gasp]

[Elfo exclaims]

[Trøgs in unison] Moon!

[Luci grunting] God, you two are fat.

We're gonna make it.

What did I tell you about positive thinking?

[all yelling]

[gurgling, coughing]

Quick, grab that rope!

-[grunts] -[Elfo] Well, ya missed it, stupid.

[all scream]

Ow.

[chokes]

This is too much.

I'm going to bed.

Thanks, Luci. You really came through today.

Just this once. Next time, Elfo dies.

Deal. Hmph.

You just sold me Elfo's soul.

Deal. What?

[snickering]

Hey, look, they're back for more.

And they brought their dummy with them.

I ain't no dummy. I'm an action figure.

And we figure you're due for some action.

-Uh-oh. -They got wordplay.

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but pipes will cause real damage.

-[crunches] -[exclaims]

[both grunting]

[exclaims]

Damn! No wonder they call you Derek the Jerk Slayer.

-But they don't. -They will now.

Let's scram. Somebody carry me.

I don't think we're going for ice cream later.

Oh, man, oh, man. I killed an elf.

What am I going to do?

Well, first of all, stop wavin' the lead pipe around.

You're gettin' blood on everybody.

Ow.

[sighs] Derek, you only got one option, clear out of town.

If I was you, I'd change my name.

Change my personality, too. Yeesh.

You're right.

To protect society, I must go.

Destined to wander alone, town to town, solving people's problems,

inadvertently making them worse.

[thudding]

No, Bear Boy. There's no reason for you to go, too.

Sure, there is.

You may be only my half-brother,

but I kind of like hanging out with that half.

[bees buzzing]

[grumbles]

I'd better come, too, 'cause you two dimwits is hopeless.

Hey, Freckles. Derek's my guy, yeah?

So, whatever angle you're working here, I expect a sizable cut.

We sure showed them.

You guys go steal a fancy getaway carriage

while I make sure those palookas don't give us no more trouble.

Eh, thanks for playing along with my sick little games, fellas.

Mmm.

It was worth the brain damage.

[laughing]

You boys ever play a game called Pipe Down?

-I haven't. -Me neither.

How do you play?

[sighs]

Whoa!

They think telling me I might be the one true savior is going to tempt me?

Well, they don't know me very well.

[sniffs]

Hmm.

[exclaims, gags]

Bleh.

[Trøgs] Goo!

[panting]

[suspenseful music playing]

[exclaims]

I've got you now, Mom.

[screams, gasps]

What the hell!

Crazy, right?

[closing theme music playing]