Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Hey ♪

[somber music playing]

[man] Freedom! [grunts]

Welcome to the Twinkletown Insane Asylum.

Your new home.

[suspenseful music swells]

[honks]

I don't believe we've met before. I'm Chazzzzz.

It's very pleasant here except for the psycho ward.

Ooh, boy! You don't want to end up in there.

That's where I live. I can't believe they ever let me out.

[honks]

We've got you in a nice cozy little room with your very own bucket.

And your roommate will be…

[vocalizing]

Ooh!

This will be good.

Get in there, boy.

I'm sorry, that was rude.

I mean, right this way, Your Majesty.

[grunts]

[locks turning]

[Chazzzzz] Oops. I almost forgot, King Zøg, meet Giggles.

Giggles, be nice.

-Huh? -[chuckles]

-[honks] -[laughs maliciously]

-[honks] -[malicious laughing continues]

[Chazzzzz] You both still alive?

I'll come back later.

[honks]

[snoring]

[Giggles laughs maliciously]

-[honking] -[screams]

Good morning, screwballs.

Okay, Zøg, it's time for you to have your first therapy session.

The head doctor will chazz your head real good.

It's gonna be you, isn't it? You're gonna be the guy, aren't you?

Look at you, talking in full sentences.

This place is helping you already.

Wait here.

Come in.

Hey, Zøg. You can go right in.

-[honks] -What are you looking at?

Here we go.

-Chazzzzz! -[honks]

Welcome. Come in. Zøg, is it?

-I'm Dr. Fulton. -Chazzzzz!

How many times have I told you not to sit at my desk?

It's more shock therapy for you.

-Ha! I like shock therapy. -Get out!

-See you in the cafeteria. -What?

-It's Taco Tuesday. -Very well.

[sighs] Welcome. Come in. Zøg, is it?

I'm Dr. Fulton. I mean, Mulberry.

Dr. Fulton is dead.

My, what a limp handshake.

Why don't you drag a chair over here and have a seat.

Attaboy. You're a strong one.

Confidentially, they call this place an insane asylum,

but to be honest, that's dated and derogatory.

I like to think of it as more of a loony bin.

Wait, that's offensive, too.

How about a bughouse? No. Booby hatch?

Funny farm? Laughing academy?

I could go on, but you get the point.

Tutti-frutti whack-shack. How does that make you feel?

Rancho delos nutos?

-[honks] -[babbling]

Don't interrupt! Bozo's bunkhouse.

The panic pit. Yo-yo inspection unit.

Stop it! You're making me nuts!

Very good. Our time is up for today.

[honks]

Did you see Dr. Chazzzzz in there? He's dreamy.

[grumbles]

[dramatic music playing]

[indistinct blabbering]

After tacos, the inmates are free to roam the courtyard till lights-out.

-Lights out! -[all grunting]

[grunts]

[honks]

What are you doing?

Your chalk outline's over there.

-[Giggles chuckles] -[Zøg honks]

[Giggles] Honk quieter.

[Zøg honks softly]

[Giggles] That's too quiet.

Giggles? Giggles, you up? [honks]

I'm always awake, King-a-ling.

Er, Giggles, you ever miss your family?

Sure. I regret what I done to them. What about you?

Some of 'em, yeah, a lot.

Bean, Derek, Oona, Freckles. [honks]

I don't miss Dagmar.

I don't miss uncle Clayton. He struggled too much.

Hey, Zøg. Do you struggle too much?

[whimpers]

Don't worry, there's no right answer.

[honks]

[splashing]

[fly buzzing]

[Zøg mumbling]

No. Don't bury me alive.

[snores and groans]

I ain't no corpse.

At least toss a sandwich in here.

Hold the mustard.

[snores] I can't keep dying like this.

[honks]

[sighs] Afraid of the old premature burial, huh?

[singing] ♪ Hushaby King-a-ling ♪

♪ You're just having a nightmare ♪

♪ But when you awake Revenge I will take ♪

♪ Now that I know your worst fear ♪

[chuckles maliciously]

[honks] We're talking about our fears and things.

Whoo! [snores]

-[honks] -Yeah, keep on honkin', Zøg.

Welcome. Come in.

Zøg, is it? I'm Dr. Bronson. I… [sighs]

I mean, Pullman. I mean, Mulberry.

Dr. Fenster is dead.

-Uh… Yeah. We met yesterday. -Ah! Wonderful.

Step over to the crazy couch.

Feel free to lie down.

No, the other way.

No, face up.

There you go.

What I like to do with my new patients is start out by playing a little game.

Do you like games?

-Uh, not really. -Good.

I say a phrase, then you say the first thing that comes to mind.

Got it? Okay. Here we go.

When I wake up in the morning, the thing I most fear is…

-Nothin'. I ain't afraid of nothin'. -Mmm.

For breakfast, I like to eat…

Oatmeal. Cornflakes are too scary.

Then as I start my day, my biggest challenge is…

Buttoning my pants.

And the people I encounter each day want me…

-Dead. -Mmm.

And they are going to kill me by…

Poisoning me, shooting me,

shovin' me down the stairs, feedin' me to the crabs.

I've had these delusional paranoid fantasies for…

Ever. But, ah, I ain't paranoid, Doc.

Really. Everyone is out to get me. [chuckles]

Ooh! And sometimes, I hear voices.

Hmm. I see.

Let's go on.

Being confined in this asylum for the rest of my life makes me feel…

[exclaims] What are you talking about?

The realization that I'll never ever, ever, ever,

ever leave the asylum till I die makes me feel…

Never ever leave the asylum till I die?

You can't tell me what to do!

I'm King! I control everything!

I don't die until I say I die.

But you're gonna die! Come here, you!

[choking] Chazzzzz, Giggles, get in here!

Zøg's flipping out!

[Zøg honks]

You go high, I'll go low.

[grunts and screams]

Welcome to the rubber room.

[grunts]

[honking]

[Giggles] Look at him bounce.

Bouncy, bouncy. I'll do the sound effects.

[imitates bouncing sound]

[Zøg continues honking]

[Mulberry] Excellent. I'll check back in the morning. Carry on.

[both continue]

[dramatic music playing]

[groaning] I can't take it no more, Giggles.

I got to get out of here.

You can escape from here.

But you can never escape from here.

Look at me, I'm perfectly normal,

then I killed everyone in my family except for my grandma.

Then I escaped, and I killed my grandma.

I dug my way out of this joint with my grandma's skull.

-It's good for scooping. -Wait a minute, Giggles.

You just said, you killed your grandma,

then you said you used your grandma's skull

to dig your way out of here to kill your grandma.

How's that possible?

Guy can have two grandmas.

I gotta get out of here.

[grunts]

[muffled] Hand me that candle, will ya?

The hell? This tunnel only goes a few feet.

[laughs]

Oh! Did I forget to mention there was a cave-in?

-Huh? -You know,

that thing you were talking about in your sleep.

-What? -Being buried alive.

Yeah, it's happening to you right now.

[screams]

[honks]

Oh! Not again.

This is my worst death ever. Help!

[laughs maliciously]

[Zøg muffled] Help!

Help!

-I hear shouting. -It sounds familiar.

Very deep and gravelly.

Aw! That poor building's crying for help.

Jerry, if we stop at every building that yells at us, we'll never get home.

Just because you're beautiful doesn't mean you get to be mean.

Exactly.

[Zøg yelling, muffled] Help!

[exclaiming]

I'm gonna die alone. No one's gonna even know.

-[Giggles muffled] I'll know. -[groans]

And will you do me a favor?

When you die, could you leave your skull on the shelf?

Oh! Grandma's skull. Grandma's skull?

[screams]

[muffled screaming]

Hey…

You're okay, Zøg. You're okay.

You're diggin' your way out of a nuthouse with an old lady's head…

You're okay.

Not honkin' or nothin'.

Just like this skull fragment, my life is in my hands.

I'm having a breakthrough, and I'm about to break through.

[Giggles muffled] Hey, are you dead in there yet?

No, Giggles. I ain't dead.

And I ain't afraid no more.

[sentimental music playing]

I can't believe you think I'm cruel.

-I didn't say cruel, I said mean. -And stubborn, too.

-And a little stuck-up. -Argh!

[Jerry] Hey, looky there.

A poor horsey's stuck up on that mountain.

We should save it.

[scoffs] Forget it. Not with Princess Meanie Beanie at the wheel.

Set grasping claw to horse.

[all cheer]

[Jerry] No, no. Arma-what-o?

Ooh! That's the one!

-Okay, lower it down. -Faster.

-No, that's terrible advice, Luci. -Well, go diagonal at least.

You can't 'cause it's only up or down or left or right.

They say diagonal is the move.

Once you go diagonal, you never go… biagonal.

If I could go biagonal or diagonal, I would, but I can't

because it just goes one direction in either side.

This is boring. Can you hurry up?

I'm trying, but you're talking so loudly.

-Hurry up. -Okay.

Claw opens, and then… Got it.

[horse whinnies]

Oh, crap. I think I killed it.

All right, let's move out, y'all.

No, wait, it's still alive. It just jerked.

Okay, repositioning.

Okay, and upwards.

Now leftwards then centerwards.

He's doin' it. He's got it.

-[Jerry] Yay! -[Elfo] Yes!

-You're the best, Uncle Bean. -That's right, guys.

Who's hateful and heartless now?

[laughing]

-Hey, it's Laughing Horse. -God damn it.

[horse continues laughing]

[Luci, Elfo and Jerry] Yay!

-[Bean] Everybody, shut up. -[Elfo] Yes! Bean's mad.

[groans and coughs]

Midnight roll call.

-Giggles? -[Giggles giggles]

-Here. -Check.

Zøg? Zøg? Zøg?

Oh, no. Chazzzzz has been chazzed.

[honking]

[Zøg honks]

[honking continues inside]

[panting]

[panting]

[Zøg panting]

[grunting]

Ain't nothing gonna stop me. I'm free!

Free as an abandoned baby!

Wait a minute, I ain't free. I'm freezin'.

[panting]

[sighs and exclaims]

[bell chimes]

It is a good thing they have taken a vow of silence because… wow.

[all chanting] Wow!

Er… Yeah, but I'm real sorry to burst in on Your Holiness,

-but, see, I'm a king and-- -[babbling]

Titles shackle you to the material world.

We don't use them here.

I am the Venerable Rinsemaster,

brother of the late Washmaster.

He was a jerk, but he was my brother.

Yeah, see, guy, I've been lost.

I've been lost my whole life, but now I'm really lost.

And I got this weird feeling in my head…

[grumbling] Just a second.

[chuckles] Sorry, that's a spider from the tunnel.

I hope she didn't lay eggs in there. [chuckles nervously]

But anyway, can you help me--

-Find yourself? -Yeah!

Well, where was the last place you looked?

Huh?

[chuckles] That's a monk joke.

The monk joke.

There is only one, and it is perfect.

[Zøg] I don't get that highfalutin humor.

I'm more into broad physical comedy.

Like when you pull the lever, and the guy falls through the trapdoor.

And the punchline is, he says, "Oh, no,"

with a little self-pitying laugh on the way down.

The first step is to rid yourself of worldly attachments.

Now, hand over your leather coin pouch.

What are you, some kind of wise guy?

Just kidding. That's the other monk joke.

The second step is to shed your vanity.

This is my cousin, the Shavemaster.

Big Jo?

At your service, King Zøg.

What will it be today?

The cue ball, the snow globe or the Porky?

Ah… [blows raspberry]

The cue ball, I guess.

See, Porky? No one ever chooses you.

[hums]

Sorry, my head's kind of lumpy.

-I've fallen down a lot of stairs. -[Big Jo] Indeed.

Now, hold still. I don't want to nick your throat

I thought you were shavin' my head.

Oh, right.

This is your room

where you will contemplate the universe and your place within it.

Sounds lonely.

You've never been to a monastery before, have you?

[tense music playing]

Dear, one true God, brother of the other God,

I hope you exist 'cause otherwise…

What, are you trying to make a jerk out of me?

Anyway, can you keep a secret?

Told your pal, the Rinsemaster, I was lost,

hoping he would give me a map,

but all I got was my head shaved.

I guess I'm on a spiritual path now.

I'll stay here and go along with the program

as long as you don't let 'em put me back in the insane asylum.

So think about it.

[grumbles] I'm going to go now.

Guess I'll see you here tomorrow, same time, same box.

Okay, bye.

Your friend, Zøg.

Oh, yeah. Amen.

Don't worry, Porky.

Rumor has it that the Lord only answers every 25th prayer.

So those are pretty good odds.

We'll get him under the cloak of darkness when God's asleep.

[Bean] Look, boys, Dreamland. Home sweet home.

That reminds me, Bean,

the last time you came home they shot you down.

-Yeah. I do. -Remember, Bean?

-Come on, you remember that, right? -Right.

-They thought you were a witch. -Mmm-hmm.

-Then they put us on trial. -I know.

-They found us guilty, remember? -I was there.

And then they tied us to a stake, and then they burned us alive.

-That's enough. -Don't you remember?

Thank you! Well, this time I'll make sure they know it's me.

[feedback whines]

[Bean] Attention, Dreamland!

It's me, your mighty queen, Bean.

Are you ready to welcome us?

Oh! Look out. Flaming arrows.

What the hell?

They're aiming right for your forehead, Elfo.

Just lean towards the windshield, just a skosh.

Don't worry. There's no way they can hit us from this high up.

[all shriek]

[Elfo screams]

[Jerry wails]

-Abandon ship! -[Luci] Way ahead of ya.

Slide into the escape pod, dummies.

[blasts]

[horse laughs]

Brother Zøg, you have advanced rapidly from levels one through nine.

And of course, we appreciate your generous financial pledge.

The old barn out back is now the Zøg Center for Outstanding Humility.

Money don't mean that much to me no more.

I've given up everything but masturbation.

Oh! You can't give that up. Look what happened to Big Jo.

-Eh. What about the other guy? -Porky? That's a whole other story.

Now, this is our holiest room.

You can tell by the candles.

Please be seated.

Move over a couple of inches.

You're now sitting in the very center of the known world.

I'm sorry, one more inch. There you go.

-And now, you're ready. -For what?

-Less asking, more trusting. -Mmm.

-Less sweating, more bathing. -Hmm.

-Less yelling, more loving. -Oh!

-Less pie, more vegetables. -[grumbles]

-Less honking, more hugging. -Ah!

-Less hurting, more helping. -Mmm!

Wait, is there any final bit of eternal wisdom?

I don't know, look for a sign.

Oh!

Oh!

Om…

[syllable reverberating]

Lord, it's me again.

I appreciate you're trying your best, but I just want to say,

you're the one who made me loud and large and gave me big fat hands.

But now, I'm not that guy.

I don't know who I am,

but if you could just show me the path forward.

A bean?

A single bean?

Wait, a bean, and it's single.

And my Bean? And she's single.

[gasps] My kids!

Bean! Derek! Do I got any others?

No, that's it. Well, Freckles.

What am I doing here trying to save myself when they're in danger?

I'm not afraid of dying 'cause kids, I would die for you!

[gulps]

Er… I'm still hungry, but I got to go.

Hey, Rinsemaster, you was right.

I'm more enlightened now.

Hi, I'm Chazzzzz. We're from the insane asylum down the road.

We got a crazy on the loose, and it's not me.

Have you seen this man?

[gasps]

He's not here.

Phew!

But we can't go back empty-handed.

You're right, Dr. Chazzzzz.

What about that guy?

You go low, I go lower.

No! What are you doing?

Keep your greasy mitts off me!

Sorry, we've been eating carnitas.

Help! Porky! Porky!

Where are you, Porky?

Porky, help!

[Elfo] Land over there.

[Luci] No, over there.

[Bean] Shut up! I'm the blimp queen.

-[Jerry] Go, go up! -[Luci] No, down!

Faster!

-Don't listen to him. -Go left.

Bean, honestly, please, just listen to me. Okay?

I have over 10,000 hours of flying kites.

-[Bean] Maybe I will crash us. -[engine spluttering]

Exit stage right. [vocalizes]

[vocalizing]

Set her down by this cave.

Ease her in.

Easy.

Ten more feet to the left.

Got it, and…

[clatters]

Perfect. [grunts]

Quick, hide this thing.

Yes, sir, Uncle Blimp Queen.

[Luci groans]

[both grunting]

Thanks for not being a squealer, Your Holiness.

And thanks for showing me the true path.

Ah! Yes, it is right over there.

-Mind if I give you a final platitude? -Yeah.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single kick.

Ow!

[serene music playing]

Vip! Oh, and Vap! What are you two doing here?

Ooh! What are you guys doing? Making a bear trap?

Oh, jeez. My cape…

and my crown.

It still fits!

Aw! Thanks, guys.

You know what? Climb on.

Heh-heh.

Now, which way is Dreamland? This way?

[Zøg laughs]

[closing theme music playing]