All language subtitles for snow-difficult.people.s03e09.1080p.bluray.x264_track3_[eng]

The strappy ones are cute, but
I don't think they're my size.

Yeah, it's fucked up that
you can't try them on.

Yeah, you only get one shot
to steal some asshole's

fancy shoes
at the hipster bowling alley.

Ugh, these rich kids' lives
are like theme parks,

and this stupid,
ironic bowling alley

is like Poorland:
The Ride.

As an actual poor person,
I resent that.

Well, I'm doing my part
sticking it to
the nouveau riche

by stealing a pair
of their designer shoes.

Not that anybody
at this premiere
will even notice them.

Who would have thought that
when you were shooting

a student film that
one day you'd be wearing

designer shoes on
the red carpet to promote it.

It will be excited to see
myself on the big screen.

Plus, I shot it in 2012,

so I could either be
5 pounds thinner
or 40 pounds heavier.

Are you almost done?
Oh, relax.

You'll be able to pick up
your horrifying saddle shoes

with glitter laces
in a minute.

Let me guess, did you get
those pins on Etsy?

Were they like, what,
15 bucks apiece?

18 bucks, and I think
they're "adorkable."

Etsy is a cult.

Except with arts and crafts
instead of group sex.

So basically camp.
The worst cult.

Hello, these are
my bowling shoes
I'm returning.

I sure had a gay old time
bowling in them.

Those are mine, I think.
The Louboutins.

I lost my ticket.
9 1/2, right?

Yep, these are
definitely mine.

Oh, grow up,
Millennial Velma.

This place?
You kidding me?

Some premiere.

Looks like the only
red carpet I'll be seeing

is the one I paid somebody
to wax off this afternoon.

Well, Cinnamon Challenge,
I still think
it's very exciting.

Yeah, well,
you work for PBS.

You called Charlie Rose's
new hair part exciting.

Ah, that was
the biggest day
in PBS history.

Left to right,
we lost two viewers.

I don't want to think
about my job,

especially now that
my responsibilities
have expanded.

Now I'm listening to
viewer voicemails
on the comment line.

I have to transcribe
each message and
then write a report.

I'm over it, brass brad.

Well, maybe this movie
will be a hit,

and it'll be my big break,

and then I can be
the breadwinner
for a while.

I'd love it.
Bread.

Mmm, bread.
Mmm, bread.

All right,
I'll see what I can do.

The movie's starting.
Okay.

I still want bread,
but the movie's starting.

It was awful.

I was awful.

The movie and I were
equal in our awfulness.

Every time I think
I'm getting a break,

it winds up sucking
worse than the last.

We're going to 7J.
You know I don't like that.

What is the point of having
a drug dealer for a neighbor

if you don't take
advantage now and then?

So now I have to go
to this audition not high.

I think it's so rude
your drug dealer
went to prison

without leaving
any weed behind.

But he did leave
1,500 tiny baggies behind,

which I'm going to make
into dream baggies.

What are dream baggies?
They're my new business.

'Cause obviously
this show business thing
is not a good idea.

I've got to bring in
money somehow,

so I'm starting an Etsy store.

Listen to this description.

"Whisper your desires
into these dream baggies

and watch them become
fully realized."

And then I hashtagged it
"bridesmaids."

I think those Etsy dopes
will eat that bullshit up.

I've already sold 30.

Now I have to
actually make them.

Bye.
Hey, Billy, Matthew.

Can one of you two
glory holes finish
brewing the sweet tea?

I gotta go.
Oh, Mama Goldilocks

got her dancing shoes on.

You got a date tonight?
How dare you think

I only dress for
the approval of men.

We're not all out here
trying to trick Dave Chappelle
into fucking us.

Oh, still single then, huh?

Actually I have
better after-work plans

than jerking off into
an empty box of Papa Johns
cheesy bread.

Oh, okay, fine, I'll bite.
What are you doing?

Plaster casting my hole.
My sorority is in town.

The three girls I had
gender confirmation with,
we got pussies together.

Oh, well, that sounds
more fun than plaster
casting my hole.

Could I come?
No.

We have reservations
at Sugarfish. No jokes.

And then tomorrow
we're doing ayahuasca
and having a sound bath.

All right, well, plaster
casting my hole it is.

Do I have an original
thought in my head?

My perfectly shaped head?

I miss gauchos.

My slender ankles are wasted
under these slacks.

Oh, stop it, Marilyn!
You've got to focus.

Ready...set...

I should get a lemon wedge.
I worked out this morning.

No, I should put
something on the page,

then reward myself
with a lemon wedge.

You can do this.
It's easy.

Ready, set...

Am I caller 106?

Of course I'll repeat
the phrase that pays.

I just won four tickets
to see Barbra Streisand

and her dog perform
in concert tomorrow night.

Yes!

Sherlock this,
Sherlock that.

I didn't pledge $3 to
watch Benedict Cumberbatch

and Martin Freeman
not kiss!
Ugh.

I don't know
how much longer
I can last at PBS

if I have to keep this up.

Well, my Etsy store
is taking off.

A couple of women in Ohio

asked me to make them
some fertility amulets

and a menstruation charm.

Mom, what's wrong?
Why would you assume
something's wrong?

Because you just
showed up at my door,
and you never do that.

Only because your
neighborhood is awful

and your apartment
has fleas,

but I had to see
your face when I tell you

that we are going to
Barbra Streisand

duet with her dog
tomorrow night.

Mom, you love
Barbra Streisand!

And you love her dog.

I won tickets
from Peri 106.9.

Light sounds
and cherry-picked
news stories

for the perimenopausal woman
with style and grace.

Anyway, I won four.
You can invite Billy
and a date.

Hello, Marilyn.
I'd love to go.

Oh, what's all this?

Oh, I'm crafting.
She's crafting.

You're avoiding
writing a book, too.

Not that I'm avoiding
writing a book.

How dare you suggest
such a thing.

No, it just makes me happy.

I don't know, I get to spend
all day away from people

and around things that
don't talk or annoy me.

I feel as reclusive
as Richard Simmons.

Although if anybody
ever knocked on my door

hoping to make a podcast
about where I was,

I beat him within
an inch of his life.

Why so hostile?

Man ain't got no breasts!
Man got a penis!

The perverted
homosexual spirit

is a cancer on society!

Michael Jackson died
'cause he's gay!

You, sir, are full of hate.

Prepare to be drowned out.

June is busting out
all over

Oh, Lord,
please save this man.

My God, it's like
his singing is harmonizing

with that homophobe's
point of view.

Hey

Hey, that song belongs
to Leslie Uggams.

Stop racially
appropriating it.

You are ruining our world!
Hey, hey, ho, ho!

You are a sinner!
Appropriation has got to go!

Ladies and gentlemen!

I am a performance artist.

I will now be unleashing
this box of crickets

to videotape your reaction.

Oh, my God!
Jesus fucking Christ!

I am so fucking over New York!

And then after the crickets,
someone pulled
the emergency brake.

Why are you smiling?
Did you find pot?

I think this is just what
I look like when I'm happy.

So I take it
the audition went well?

Oh, I blew it off.

But you were
so excited about it.

You were gonna be
the Progressive customer
who makes Flo cry.

I know, but then I got
really into embroidering
these amulets.

Julie, what the fuck
is happening?

That student film
made me realize something

that the world's
been trying to tell me.

I'm not very good.

And we don't need
another C-plus actress.

We have Lea Thompson.

So you're gonna give up
your chance

to snap Flo's headband
in order to become who?

Etsy Ross?

Etsy Ross Matthews.
Is that something?

Nope. I spent this whole year
trying to be happy and famous,

and now I realize,
it's a choice.

Since I've given up
on being famous,

I've never felt happier.

Well, as long as we are
pondering the imponderable,

I am officially over New York.

Every New Yorker is.

That's what we say
when we have to
talk to each other.

No, I mean it.
I am over it, over it.

On my way here, I had
to walk around two rats

who were fucking and eating
a pigeon at the same time.

You gotta love The Big Apple
and our multitasking vermin.

Julie.

It's 78 degrees
in L.A. today.

But it's L.A.

Bottle episode,
I did it.

I was listening
to another voicemail

about how Tavis Smiley
should change his name
to Tavis Frowney,

when I left Gaby
a voicemail of my own.

I quit PBS!

You did what?

Well, careful, Blythe,
don't eat too much

before the ayahuasca ceremony,

just enough to throw up
the contents of your stomach.

At this point,
I'd make a joke about
a skinny celebrity,

but I'm not allowed
to do that anymore.

I just think we women
should support each other.

Yeah, but tell that to
the trans-exclusionary radical

feminists no-better-than-
Christian-right motherfuckers.

I say with love.

I'll go get the ayahuasca.

You girls all good
on sweet tea?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Hello. Well, who's
ready to see the greatest

Yeshiva Flatbush graduate
since the guy who sold

those junk bonds
to my sister Bonnie

and then he retired in Cabo
with all her money?

Hi, Marilyn. Thank you
for the tickets, by the way.

Arthur, how are you?

Oh, I've never felt more free.

I should have quit
that job a long time ago.

You mean the job
they fired you from

because of your drinking?

Either way,
you're unemployed.

Julie, I'm setting your Jdate
profile to public.

Yes, I made you
a Jdate profile.

I got our supplies
for lift-off.

There's buckets for vomiting,
yoga mats for lounging,

palm fronds for waving.

And, Wendy,

I got you a ThunderShirt
in case you freak out again.

Ooh, sweet tea.

Mm.

Does this sweet tea
taste funny?

Is something wrong
with that sweet tea?

That's the weirdest tea
I ever tasted.

What is that taste?
Yeah.

I want to say lemon?

Hmm.

Uh-uh.
It's definitely not lemon.

It's like persimmon,
but the finish is smoky.

Okay, you are all so dumb.
Let me see.

Chamomile.

Chamomile?
Yes.

I don't think
that's chamomile.

It's too tart for chamomile.
Oh, no, she's right.

It's chamomile.
Thank you.

Really?
It's chamomile.

I guess that's chamomile.
That might be chamomile.

Yeah, for sure.
It's chamomile.

Now I can taste it.
It's chamomile.

I know my chamomile.

You are correct.
It is chamomile, Marilyn.

Of course I am, Arthur.
Chamomile.

Chamomile.
Okay, I can taste it now.

I know because
I love chamomile.

Has anyone
seen my pitcher?

Oh, the chamomile tea.
We just drank it.

Could we make you
another pitcher?

No! No, you can't,
you fuckos!

That was ayahuasca.

Wait a minute.
What is ayahuasca?

It's expensive,
is what it is.

You dicklicks owe us $1,100.

Come on, girls, let's go.

Somebody call 911.
They gotta pump our stomachs.

No, no, no,
do not call the cops.

I have jerked off to enough
episodes of Locked Up Abroad

to know that if you
call the cops to report
an overdose,

they're just gonna
come and arrest us

for having illegal drugs.

Yes, officer,
there are five of us.

We've all taken ayahuasca.

I'll describe
my daughter first.

Did you ever see the nosy
neighbor in Small Wonder?

Well, picture her today
40 years old with
a spotty sexual past.

Hi, I'm sorry.
I'm a crazy old woman.

I dialed the wrong number.
Mayor Bloomberg, Trump Tower.

- Goodbye.
- Okay, okay.

I found a step-by-step
guide to ayahuasca

on Miley Cyrus' fan page.

Step one, small waves
of euphoria.

All right, well,
that's exactly how I feel

every time I see the ending
of Prince of Tides

or when I look in a mirror.

Step two,
violent constant vomiting.

- Okay.
- Smash season two.

Step three, anxiety,

but that only lasts
about 15 minutes.

Like the pre-show jitters.

Okay, I'll just do
the breathing exercises

that Michael Feinstein
taught me to do

for when my mouth is
full but someone's
plugging my nostrils.

And finally,
eight to ten hours

of emotional,
revelatory hallucinations

that confront you with
your deepest inner truth.

Oh, shit!

So now we get
to go see Chicago.

I am not downgrading
from ayahuasca to watching

some washed-up TV actress
sing All That Jazz.

Sisters, I don't feel right
leaving them alone
to trip without a guide.

It doesn't seem very
Sigma Delta Burka.

I will not play shaman
to those fucking assholes.

They stole our drugs.
Ritual medicine.

We can start them
on their journey.

Once we know they'll
be fine, we'll go.

Never forget
the Sigma Delta Burka pledge.

Always help others
and never go on CNN

to discuss Caitlyn Jenner.

Fine, okay.
Let's go back.

Breathe in
and breathe out.

This is now a sacred space.

Begging pardons.

Just let it go.

Lola, Lola, Lola, Lola.

Lola, Lola, Lola, Lola.

You have
10, 704 new messages.

Why did you stop
making Mr. Selfridge?
We need closure.

And come on, Arthur.
Jupiter, Florida?

What happened
to your hopes and dreams?

Why do
you bother, Arthur?

Why do you Arthur bother?

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah

What condition
my condition was in

I woke up this morning

With the sundown
shining in

I found my mind in
a brown paper bag within

I tripped on a cloud
and fell-a eight miles high

I tore my mind
on a jagged sky

I just dropped in
to see what condition...

Noodles, we're in that movie
you made me watch.

Shh. You're ruining it.

Like so many other
dudes have done

over the years
by quoting it.

Was in

I pushed my soul
in a deep dark hole

And then I followed it in

I watched myself
crawling out as I was...

Are you taking control
of my trip?

I'm the destination.

I got up so tight
I couldn't unwind...

My job doesn't matter.

I do it to take care of you.

Enough about Chicago,
all right?

It's never gonna close.
You can see it anytime.

- That's easy for you to say.
- You live here.

I suggested Chicago
months ago.

Do you guys even read
my emails?

Wendy, nobody reads
your emails.

They're too long.
Way too long.

I don't need
your cat recipes.

This lady's burning up.

Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn,

you are you.

Anything catch your eye,
Marilyn?

There's nothing here.
I don't know what to do.

But you're Marilyn.

Just bring Marilyn to
everything you Marilyn.

Marilyn.

Thank Marilyn
you wrote this Marilyn.

Marilyn had writer's block

till Marilyn remembered
she's Marilyn.

Thank you, Marilyn.

Marilyn

Marilyn is Marilyn

Marilyn is Marilyn

Marilyn is Marilyn

Marilyn is Marilyn

Hey-ay

Marilyn

I'm just saying,
there are edgier shows

on Broadway than Chicago.

Don't be a snob.

Oh, Matthew's going in deep.

Hi.
Really deep.

Oh, hi.

I spend all year
around these people I hate.

This is the one weekend
I actually look forward to,

'cause you bitches
mean something to me.

Aww, Lo.

So if seeing Chicago
means that much to you,

let's go see it.
I don't wanna fight.

I love you, girls.

Aww.

The following was
filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

On May 18th,

Billy Epstein was asked
to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from
Northwestern University.

With nowhere else to go,

he appeared at the home
of New York City.

Whoa-oh-oh!
What's up, roomie?

Put it there, buddy.

Can one gay man
live with New York City

without driving
each other crazy?

Mm, that's good.
That's good and that's good.

New York, get off my bed.

Where else am I
gonna whack it
to cream pie videos

and eat mozzarella
sticks, huh?

These cost, like, 78 bucks.

No really,
just worked a double shift.
I need to take a nap.

Um, Billy, maybe you
didn't get the memo.

I'm the city
that never sleeps.

Well, could you also be
the city that takes a shower?

What is that smell?
Rat cum.

Look, we've had
some good times,

and I will always love you,
but I need some space.

Space? Okay,
let's go to Central Park.

Come on, there will be like
87,000 tourists there.

Someone will throw
a football at your head.
It's a given.

Oh, how 'bout we go
to the movie theater?

You know, the one
with the bedbugs?

Oh wait, they all have
bedbugs. Open.

Open.
There you go.

Would this be
the wrong time to tell you

that our rent
just went up?
Ugh!

Julie!

Oh, thank God.

I was stuck in a re-reboot
of The Odd Couple.

It was a nightmare.

I mean, not as bad
as the Matthew Perry thing,

but, wait,
why are you in my trip?

I actually think
you're in mine,

because I definitely
don't own this dress.

Cool!
We're tripping together.

Julie

Isn't it nice making mice
out of velvet and wire

Just throw all my dreams
in the fire

Julie,
for once I'm not stressed

See it's just me and Etsy,
don't spoil it

Flush my career
down the toilet

Think of the
Whos down in Whoville

All happy and singing

I'm thinking
of grasping and clinging

Maybe it's just
who I am

What's a life

Without pushing
and clawing and striving

Come on Julie,
you're barely surviving

On your way but you're
never arriving

What a waste

All those improv
and open mic hours

You mean crying and
screaming and showers

Well it's better
than macramé hammocks

And pipe cleaner flowers

Julie

God never sends us
a challenge

He thinks we can't handle

Oh, go fuck
a nice scented candle

Julie

Die!

Die, you dumb, happy bitch!

I am so glad we
unintentionally did ayahuasca.

Yeah, I learned
so much about myself.

- Me too.
- Shut up, Matthew.

Are you still thinking
about moving to L.A.?

Why?
Do you think I should?

I can't answer that.
That has to be your choice.

Are you still thinking about
giving up show business
to keep crafting?

Does that sound dumb?

I can't answer that.

It has to be your choice.

Okay, let's both answer
at the same time.

Am I going to craft
and be happy

or stay miserable
pursuing a comedy career?

And I actually gonna go to
L.A. and leave New York?

One, two, three.

I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna stay.

I'm just scared to find out
what would happen to me

if I actually became happy.

And I'm scared to find out
what would happen to me
if I didn't leave New York.

Okay, let's get you
an apartment in L.A.

Let's go get you
that audition back.

Am I the only one
who's so horny?

I think it's worn off.

I need to erase that
voicemail so I can un-quit.

Who cares?

I need to write the greatest
book ever written.

And forget to drink
plenty of fluids

and take folic acid,
and go see Chicago.

Turns out it's still
running for a reason.

You know, we learned
more about ourselves

watching Patrick
Warburton sing
All I Care About is Love

than we ever would have
tripping our tits off
some Peruvian herb.

Thank you for
letting me come back.

I missed this audition
yesterday because, well,

I've been trying
for a long time to get happy,

and I've tried everything:

medication, meditation,
facial filler.

But the one thing that worked
was giving up

on the only thing I've always
known I've wanted to do.

Look, I may not be
a great performer,

and because I do comedy,
I will always be
on the misery spectrum,

but this is what I do,
and this is who I am.

I am an unhappy person,

but the alternative is
being somebody I don't know,

and that is terrifying.

So I made a decision.

I am happy to be unhappy.
Thank you.

This isn't a casting
office, is it?

You're back, Marilyn.
You are back.

All right,
stay in the flow.

Marilyn, Marilyn,
Marilyn, Marilyn

Maybe I should have a treat.

I deserve an ice cube.

Then I'll get this done.

Friday, 3:55 p.m.

I hate Charlie Rose's
new hair part.

It's too rock and roll.
Change it back!

Next message.
Friday, 3:56 p.m.

Gaby, it's Arthur.
You want voicemail?

Here's a fucking voicemail.
I quit, you goddamn--

Yeah, yeah

Oh, yeah

Arrivederci, crafty Julie.

Rinsed off too many
garbage can chocolate bars

to know what I can't
keep in my house.

Well, let's hurry this up.

This block is bringing
back too many sweet
New York Memories

of all the anonymous sex
I've had behind this dumpster.

How's your L.A.
apartment search going?

Ugh, I can't search
until I get approval

from one of these
L.A. apartment
listing websites.

I had to send them a link
to my IMDb page,

plus seven references,
including two
from Scientologists.

Well, I could fake
Juliette Lewis's signature.

I just need three muscle
relaxers and a crayon.

Oh!

Thought it'd be easy

Thought they didn't know

You thought it was
the only way to go

Another way out

Found on the way home

Thought you were
living fast

But you were living slow

La la la la.

Oh, my God.