Original subtitles

I'll be honest. When we first heard CSI,

we hoped to be auditioning for America's favorite franchise.

Yeah, I was excited to finally get the opportunity to prove

that Marg Helgenberger and I aren't the same person.

Nope. CSI stands for casting stand-ins.

I'm stand-in super agent, Stan Din.

He's serious. So, you know how this works.

You can't expect stars to stand on their marks all day

while the crew lights them.

So, you stand in.

It's kinda like being a star on the set of your own show,

only nothing you do will ever be seen or matter to anyone.

But it pays $200 a day, right?

250 if you're a close enough match from behind

for the shots the stars are too important to show up for.

Is that why the head shots of all your clients are from behind?

Mostly. In fact, if you guys can swivel around

for the rest of this interview, it would be a huge help.

This is so degrading.

We should be collaborating with people we admire,

not standing in for them. I know.

This is bullshit. Let's just go home.

Looking at you from this angle,

you're perfect for a high-end gig. Interested?

You bet we are!

So, tomorrow,

LOGO is shooting their upfronts

to announce their new lineup and debut their new tagline

since RuPaul left the network.

Under construction. Bear with us."

Oh, and it's a bear with a construction cap, and he's shrugging.

They need stand-ins for Eric McCormack and Debra Messing.

Oh, my God! That's perfect. That's perfect!

Yes! They asked for homelier stand-ins with their hair color.

If lighting can make you two look good,

they got nothing to worry about.

I'm so numb that my feelings aren't even hurt

by what you just said. I'm just so happy we have a job!

We have the job, don't we?

Hmm.

Are you jerking off? You want me to?

What's going on, Mom?

I have an audition for Nashville

to play the ghost of Connie Britton from behind,

and I have a lot of deep conditioning to do.

Well, as you know, my 65th birthday is just around the corner.

Oh, right, of course. You're asking me for a favor.

No... I'm going to redeem a coupon.

Mom, this is from, like, 30 years ago.

Isn't that adorable?

That you didn't include an expiration date.

Which leads me to my birthday.

I'm going to celebrate by officially becoming a woman.

You're getting vaginal rejuvenation surgery?

I told you, I don't need that.

I've always wanted to have a bat mitzvah,

and your one nice thing is that you're gonna plan it for me.

Mom, a bat mitzvah's a huge headache.

Don't you remember mine? The Torah classes,

the theme, the venue... I made you a mood board

so you can see the kind of things I'm looking for.

Okay, that's a beach.

That's Jessica Chastain winning a Golden Globe.

I don't see how this translates to your bat mitzvah.

All right, I tell you what.

Why don't you just handle the cake, the invites,

and you write me the greatest toast of a lifetime!

Mom, that's a lotta work!

What makes you think I have that kind of time?

I follow your Instagram.

So how does this work? You visualize what you want and then you just get it?

Because all I do is keep cutting out pictures of Nick Jonas.

Mm. Oh, scissors! It's the cast of Bewitched.

The Nicole Kidman remake? Yes, exactly.

I need to stab myself. No, it's the old one.

I love your stories about how obsessed you were

with old '60s TV shows when you were a weird little gay boy.

Did I ever tell you that I once wrote a fan letter to Mickey Dolenz?

What? Yes. To ask him advice

on what to do with my curly hair.

And he never wrote back? What a dick.

Neil Kaplan is in a coma? Who is that again?

His name is familiar. He's a big showrunner.

He did that Gina Gershon sitcom, Dumb Whore,

about the absentminded prostitute

with a peanut allergy. Yes! I remember that.

Why wasn't it called The Nutty Hooker?

I have no idea.

Oh, but, hey, you can put Neil on your dream board.

Maybe you can get his job if he dies.

Oh, that's a great idea!

Is it sad that a comatose showrunner

is something I can only dream to be?

No.

Is there a Billy Epstein here?

Oh, my God.

Oh...my...GOD!

Mickey Dolenz? Yes, I'm Billy!

I was just thinking about you the other night!

I put you on my dream board!

I came to personally thank you for your letter.

What?!

Is this from 30 years ago?

I cannot believe this.

Look at this. Look at my handwriting!

Oh, I was so gay, even then.

Well, it looks like you got the curly hair thing all worked out.

Anyway, I've been doing some introspection.

I don't think I was as grateful as I could have been

back in the heyday of Monkeemania.

So I'm thanking all my fans for their letters.

I'm up to the Es.

You're the seventh Epstein in Manhattan.

I know, there are so many Jews here,

including Jared Kushner. Why am I talking about him?

Mickey Dolenz! Oh, my God!

Well, I better get goin'.

Gotta catch the last train to--

Clarksville! Massapequa.

70-year-old woman there

who sent me a pair of her panties back in '78.

She wants me to take her to see "Jaws 2."

Well, okay.

Bye, Mickey Dolenz!

Thank you!

"Malala signs with CAA"?

Hasn't that girl suffered enough?

Hello, farm to table.

What a long day.

It is pilot season at PBS.

The shows are so strong, it's gonna be hard to pick.

You should do what every other network does

and never wants to take a chance on anything new.

I just read that ABC is doing a Game of Thrones rip-off

called Dragons and Rape.

Oh, look! My old friend Kenny

is taking over for that showrunner that went into a coma.

Kenny was very, very funny.

You never talk about old friends.

Well, he and I used to fuck and I didn't mention it,

'cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Thank you, terms of service.

I should find Kenny's email

and maybe he'll hire me to write on that show.

This dream board is really working!

Yeah, this could be a good fit for you, bank pen.

Maybe this Kenny is spearheading

a weird, edgy, hard TV comedy.

Like the ones they make at Adult Swim.

Only hopefully this network won't make women use separate water fountains.

I'm just kidding.

There are no women allowed at Adult Swim.

Okay, Kenny, I'm going to get right to the point.

I want you to hire me to write for your TV show.

Oh-- What a relief!

I thought--I'm sorry--

I thought you were gonna tell me that that abortion that I paid you to get

you didn't get and that we have a 12-year-old kid somewhere!

Oh, Christ, no! No, no, no!

Oh, Jesus!

I did use the money for something else, 'cause I wasn't actually pregnant,

but don't worry-- we don't have a child together.

Thank God. So you wanna write for Fuzz Buddies.

Yeah! Fuzz Buddies.

I mean, it sounds so totally you, you know?

So Kenny, like, so wrong and dirty and edgy...

Julie, it's a kid's show for Nick Jr.

about a panda, a kitten, and a sunflower.

Well, you have just described the show

I am most qualified to write for.

You have experience writing for kids?

No.

You have kids. Gimme a break, Kenny.

Just 'cause I never had your abortion

doesn't mean I haven't punched some holes in my old PP card.

Julie, I wanna help out,

but you don't sound like you have a lot of experience,

and the network is on me:

Find someone who's good with story.

Story? Why didn't you say so?

They call me "The Story Machine."

Yeah. You know who calls me The Story Machine?

That showrunner who's in a coma.

The one you replaced. I mean, call him right now,

and he'd tell you how great I was, but he's in that dang coma!

If that's how Neil felt about you--

Yeah, Neil! Neil.

Neil, the guy in the coma.

Neil's the one who says that I'm that good.

Now, no promises, but this is what we need.

I mean, we need this so badly. Thank you so much!

Oh, Kenny, I'm so glad we reconnected.

No problem, yeah.

You know, I just feel like I should get this out of the way

to clear the air. Um...

in case any old feelings reemerge,

I have a boyfriend.

Oh, no, I wasn't gonna--

I wasn't gonna make a pass at you.

I mean, look, I'm sober now, so...

Congrats.

Who are we even standing in for?

I have no idea. I barely made it here.

I was up all night with Mickey Dolenz.

He showed up at your place at 4:00 a.m.?

With a guitar and a lot of stories.

What does he want from you, a kidney?

Does he want to sleep with you? Does he want your money?

Well, if it's money he wants, I don't have any.

Might as well see where it goes.

What about you? Any update on the staff writing job?

No. Should I send Kenny another picture of my tits?

Uh, let's set up the shot.

All right, guy, you are Mike Rinder.

And woman, you are Leah Remini.

Oh, for the second season of the Scientology show.

Yep. You guys are the cutaways when they answer questions.

Uh, woman stand-in, I need you to put on the nails.

Yeah. Oh...okay.

All right, now, uh, scroll that iPad

in the weird way that Leah does.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. O-okay, I'm getting a glare!

Hold!

Hello?

Oh, my God!

I got the staff job!

Mickey Dolenz is in the hospital,

and I'm his emergency contact.

You win!

Thanks for picking me up from the hospital.

They wouldn't let me leave without an escort.

Yeah, sure. Here, let me get this chair for you.

Ah. You know... I just have to ask.

How am I your emergency contact?

Well, I don't have any family, and all my friends are dead.

What about Peter Tork?

He's more like a work friend.

Billy, I wasn't totally honest with you about the fan mail.

Truth is... I'm dying.

Mickey Dolenz, no.

Mickey Dolenz, yes.

I am so sorry.

Well, I don't need a kidney or anything, so don't worry.

I just wanna leave the world with a bang!

So I wrote a one-man show.

Okay... I need some help with it.

You said in your letter you wanted to collaborate.

I mean, I was seven years old.

I don't think I knew what collaborate meant.

It was implied.

The point is, I've already written the script.

Can you just take a look at it for me, give me some notes?

Yeah. I mean, of course. It's the least I can do.

Here's the script. Let's set a notes call for Thursday.

25 years ago,

I dropped you off at your first Torah class

with the other bat mitzvah girls,

and here you are doing it for me.

Yes, Mom, it's so funny, it's... nearly Duplassian.

Don't forget the invitations, okay?

Did you get the list?

Yeah. You don't even talk to half those people anymore.

So? As my Romanian hairdresser says,

"Volume is everything!" Goodbye!

Hello, girls.

Should I sit here?

So...welcome to Torah class, bat mitzvah girls to be.

Why don't we go around and say something about ourselves?

I'm Rabbi Scheckter and, uh,

I like '60s pop music.

And I'm Dr. Marilyn Kessler,

and the theme for my bat mitzvah is "me"!

My name is Shoshanna, and my theme's

"at least I'm not as old as her."

Um...

let's be respectful.

Marilyn has waited a long time for her bat mitzvah.

If only her hair colorist had waited a little longer to take out those foils,

then her highlights wouldn't be so brassy.

My Romanian hairdresser

cost more than your private school tuition, you little bitch.

So, Brooke, what's your deal?

Okay, quick intros. Eric, story monster.

Lyle, his brother, is a joke beast.

We got Izzy and Taz from "The Pickup Artist" community,

Brian from Harvard, our YouTube sensation Demios of Chaldes,

and Julie, who is a woman.

And a "story machine."

But can she take a joke? Or are you one of those uptight feminists?

Oh, no, I hate women.

I got into TV writing so I could not write for them.

Fuck, yeah! Oh, did you hear Drew Barrymore

on Howard Stern this morning? I did.

She got old, right?

She's a dog now. She used to be a 9.

Yeah, when she was 9!

Right?

Somebody should slit her...throat

and make a lampshade out of her skin.

Baba Booey?

'Kay, let's blue sky this bitch!

Who has got ideas for "Panda's Birthday Party"?

What if, uh, Panda took Kitten to the party

and everybody liked Kitten more?

No. That's not very good.

You have another pitch?

Hmm? Oh, no.

I-I just didn't like that.

Well, okay, what if, uh, Kitten's birthday is the same day as Panda's?

And Kitten is jealous

of all of the attention that Panda's getting?

Yeah, jealousy. It's real.

My pig wife said no to a threesome

with our cleaning lady because of jealousy.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Or...what if we don't do anything about a birthday party

and the gang starts a food truck?

How does that fit into the story diamond?

The what? You're a story machine,

and you don't know about the story diamond? That's Kenny's thing.

Yeah. Talked about it on Marc Maron for 3 1/2 hours

after my mom's stuff and his vinyl collection.

Yeah, yeah, you take a diamond, right?

You split it in half, then you cut it in 16 segments.

And on the left you got your plot points,

and then you cross-correspond that

to the segments on the right

where you got your characters in crises.

Story diamond.

Obviously, I'm familiar with it,

but Neil, you know, my old boss,

um, didn't like to do that.

He preferred the way I break a story.

We could call Neil and ask him but...

he's in that coma, so...

Lunch?

I just received four pages of notes

from my mom on a half-page bat mitzvah toast.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

Mickey Dolenz's one-man show has an 87-page cold open.

That stupid dream board came true,

and it turns out working with my childhood idol

is a fucking nightmare! Yeah.

And my dream of writing for TV

turns out to be men incapable of talking to women

telling me I don't know how women actually talk!

Hello, last looks.

Uh-oh.

Cake buffet?

Either your first day of work went poorly,

or Pete Holmes got another break.

I am picking out a cake for my mother's bat mitzvah.

And technically, yes, I already chose one

when I went to the bakery with Billy.

I just need to make sure that I made the right decision.

So work went okay. Absolutely not!

Did you know that TV writing

is just people stuck in a room together talking all day?

It's like a cocktail party with the ugliest people on earth.

You're just gonna split a side of Brussels sprouts-- Billy!

Quick question. Mickey, I'm at work.

And your questions are rarely quick.

I'll be right back. Thank you.

Mickey Dolenz.

You said you had some notes for me

on the Roddy McDowall duet.

Oh, not notes. Uh, questions, actually.

Specifically what, how, and why?

Pretty straight forward. Um, I'm singing,

"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees," with Roddy McDowall,

who's dressed as Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.

Did you know that Roddy McDowall is dead?

Which is why

we're gonna use a hologram, obviously.

Even if you could afford the technology

that would make that dream a reality,

do you have any footage anywhere

of Roddy McDowall singing, "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees"?

Because, if not-- I see, yeah.

Smart.

Let me noodle on that.

Meanwhile, I've added a new song.

Mickey, I'm sorry, I'm done.

Billy, I'm dyin'.

No offense, Mickey, but...when?

Billy, you said in your letter--

I wrote that same fan letter to Olivia Newton John.

I was a child.

And by the way, her turnaround was a lot faster than yours.

She sent me a Xanadu head shot in, like, a week.

Well... I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah.

I'll see you in another 30 years.

No, Billy.

You won't.

Mickey Dolenz. I'm dying!

Now, Marilyn, your Torah portion will be Tehillim.

"Delight in God, and he will give thee the desires of thy heart."

It means... believe in your daydreams.

Be a Daydream Believer.

Or Daydream Belieber. Right, girls?

Justin Bieber?

We love him, right?

Yeah. Because he's so cool.

Okay, I was born without the ability to sense sarcasm,

so I'm just gonna keep pitching and see what you might like.

Okay, wait a minute. This might be cool.

Do you like chicken?

Okay, let's break this Panda's birthday story

like it was a virgin's hymen.

God. "Panda's Party" is not tracking!

Oh, my God.

Is Kenny still on that phone call?

It's been like an hour!

Well, it's his divorce lawyer, so you never know.

But he doesn't let us work without him.

Ugh!

Fuck. My ex.

I fuckin' hate women, Kenny.

Let's fix this Panda story. Everybody order dinner.

It's gonna be a late night.

Well, she got all the Criterion DVDs

and the gun cabinet,

but one upside to losing everything to that bitch

is I don't have to stay sober anymore!

So, wait, because Kenny's going through a divorce,

we have to stay here all night?

Yeah.

Isn't there, like, a writer's union

to protect us from that kind of shit?

Finally, she says something funny.

Ah, God, come on, you fuckers, think! All right?

Panda Kitten, Sunflower,

and Panda has a birthday!

Bamboo-eating cocksucker!

Okay, what if, uh,

Panda has a surprise birthday party

but no one shows up.

So nothing happens?

How's that fit into Kenny's story diamond?

What'd I tell you about women and story?

Okay, fuck you, Brian!

Because what I just pitched

fits perfectly into the story... double helix

that me and Neil came up with

when we were working on that Gina Gershon show together.

Dumb Whore? Double helix?

Yeah. Neil said it was bulletproof

and totally next level, but I understand

if you guys wanna play it safe with the diamond.

No, explain the double helix, all right?

Just draw it up there. Explain it to us.

Right now? Walk us through it!

Do what Kenny says!

Yes, go, go, go, go, go. Okay.

All right, well, okay, so the story double helix--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just draw it.

Here's the first helix, right? Yeah, boom, boom, boom.

And, you know, like any, uh, organism, it has quadrants.

So there are 56 quadrants in each subset.

Let's get some more Thai food.

How many noodles do you need?

Noodles are brain food. No, they're not!

Now the hero has refused the journey,

but that's when we get the four alligators,

which I call internal conflicts.

I'm confused. Oh, are you confused, Brian?

It's so simple!

And it applies to any movie.

My God, if Neil were here, he would laugh at you.

If Neil were where?

Hey! Oh ho ho!

Neil, you're outta your coma!

Yeah, I got out yesterday.

First thing I wanted to do was come back to work

because I have a horrible marriage.

Well, your story machine

is explaining your double helix to us.

Who the fuck are you and what the fuck is a double helix?

Julie... you're a good fuck...

Aw...

But you are a shitty story machine.

So...you are fired.

Well, fine.

Because...I quit anyway.

And you know what else?

None you have any point of view

formed outside your own shitty lives.

You guys are bad writers.

Not just because you lack imagination,

but because you lack empathy.

So suck...my...fat...a-twat!

Jeez. It's your own fault.

For hiring a woman. Ha ha!

Neil!

All those dream boards did

was give us what we want after we didn't want it anymore,

Like Calista Flockhart when Harrison Ford finally called her back.

And now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure

I was working with the Menendez brothers.

But on the bright side,

they still had to pay me for the whole week.

Look. Check it out.

Whoa! Oh, my God!

If this is what giving notes to Mickey Dolenz would have paid,

I never would have quit.

Do you know that he came and dropped off a song for the ending

even after I bailed? Aw!

"Number One Fan."

Holy shit, Billy. This is about you.

What? Yeah, he's saying

that he's your number one fan. Look!

No. Yeah!

Oh, my God!

He even talks about my curly hair!

Fuck! Now I can't quit on him!

I'm gonna go find him.

I mean, I have no problem walking away from a dying man,

but I can't walk away from a dying fan.

I'll see you at Marilyn's bat mitzvah?

Ooh! A Jewish birthday party.

Who will I bring? What will I hear?

Oh, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Uh, that's what she said!

I forgot to send out those bat mitzvah invitations!

Now no one's gonna come!

That's what he said!

Hey, how's my favorite client,

aka, the back of Reba McEntire's head

in a Hallmark movie if you're available on Thursday.

I am completely available on Thursday,

but I wanted to know if you could fill a synagogue in three hours.

How many stand-ins will this get me?

Mom! There you are.

I was looking for you. Don't cry!

No one's here, Julie.

I texted Bonnie, and she said

she never even got an invitation.

I didn't invite Bonnie. Why would we want Bonnie here?

We hate Bonnie! Don't worry.

I promise, the synagogue will be full.

Maybe not with the same attendees that we'd hoped,

but does your Romanian hairdresser always say?

"Don't worry.

Warts aren't contagious. Cash only!"

Okay, well, I was gonna say "volume is everything,"

but kudos on that impression. Well, thank you.

It'll be great. I promise.

Billy even brought a celebrity.

It better not be Marcia Gay Harden.

She owes me $1,200, and she knows why!

Julie, cheer me up. Read my toast.

Okay.

All right, here it is.

"To Marilyn,

"who waited her whole life for a perfect bat mitzvah.

"But I learned a lesson from a panda recently.

"A party is perfect when you're around people who love you.

The rest is just cake."

It's lovely. Thanks.

It's based on something called the story diamond,

which, turns out, really does work.

Mickey, I'm really sorry I walked out on you.

We're cool.

And thanks for inviting me to this older lady's 12 birthday party.

Now, our bat mitzvah girl, Marilyn Kessler,

will read from the Torah.

Billy, are you sure this Budapest tour--

Shh! Mickey, she's reading. Shh!

Mickey Dolenz?

Uh-oh.

You work here?

This jerk answered a fan letter of mine

only to waste a year of my life

helping him rewrite his one-man show!

But I'm dying!

We're all dying, Dolenz! You're fine.

Wait, Mickey, is this true?

All right, the jig is up.

The only disease I have is one-man-show fever.

Hold on. You reached out to all of your old fans in the hopes--

Yes. To get free notes for my show, yeah.

That is the worst con I've ever heard.

Oh, is it?

Well, thanks to sucker fans like you,

my show is done.

And it's perfect, and it's gonna be a smash it,

and none of you are gonna get a fucking penny!

I win.

I always win.

I'm Mickey fuckin' Dolenz.

And I'm Dr. Marilyn fucking Kessler.

Now, shut up so I can become a woman.

You know, stand-in work really isn't that degrading

when you consider the alternatives.

Yeah, you're right.

All right, which one of you's standing in for Guy Fieri,

which one of you's standing in for the ribs?

That was never made entirely clear.

Doesn't matter. You're both getting wet.

Bring on the donkey sauce!

Oh!

Thought it'd be easy

Thought they didn't know

You thought it was the only way to go

Another way out

Found on the way home

Thought you were living fast

But you were living slow

La la la la!

Oh, my God!