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1
00:00:01,002 --> 00:00:03,045
I'll be honest.
When we first heard CSI,
2
00:00:03,129 --> 00:00:05,464
we hoped to be
auditioning for America's
favorite franchise.
3
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:07,633
Yeah, I was excited to
finally get the opportunity
to prove
4
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:09,844
that Marg Helgenberger and I
aren't the same person.
5
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:12,972
Nope. CSI stands for
casting stand-ins.
6
00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:15,558
I'm stand-in super agent,
Stan Din.
7
00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,020
He's serious.
So, you know how this works.
8
00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:21,105
You can't expect stars
to stand on
their marks all day
9
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,189
while the crew lights them.
10
00:00:22,273 --> 00:00:24,859
So, you stand in.
11
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,819
It's kinda like being a star
on the set of your own show,
12
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:29,864
only nothing you do
will ever be seen
or matter to anyone.
13
00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:31,574
But it pays
$200 a day, right?
14
00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:34,452
250 if you're a close enough
match from behind
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,746
for the shots
the stars are too
important to show up for.
16
00:00:36,829 --> 00:00:39,290
Is that why the head shots
of all your clients
are from behind?
17
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,001
Mostly. In fact,
if you guys can
swivel around
18
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,378
for the rest of
this interview,
it would be a huge help.
19
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,595
This is so degrading.
20
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:54,555
We should be collaborating
with people we admire,
21
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,390
not standing in for them.
I know.
22
00:00:56,474 --> 00:00:58,476
This is bullshit.
Let's just go home.
23
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,061
Looking at you from
this angle,
24
00:01:00,144 --> 00:01:02,521
you're perfect for
a high-end gig.
Interested?
25
00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:04,065
You bet we are!
26
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,733
So, tomorrow,
27
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,235
LOGO is shooting
their upfronts
28
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,530
to announce their new lineup
and debut their new tagline
29
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:12,990
since RuPaul left the network.
30
00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:16,494
Under construction.
Bear with us."
31
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,121
Oh, and it's a bear with
a construction cap,
and he's shrugging.
32
00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:22,666
They need stand-ins
for Eric McCormack
and Debra Messing.
33
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,877
Oh, my God! That's perfect.
That's perfect!
34
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,838
Yes! They asked for
homelier stand-ins
with their hair color.
35
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,632
If lighting can make
you two look good,
36
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:30,883
they got nothing
to worry about.
37
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:34,178
I'm so numb
that my feelings
aren't even hurt
38
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,181
by what you just said.
I'm just so happy
we have a job!
39
00:01:38,516 --> 00:01:40,059
We have the job, don't we?
40
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:50,986
Hmm.
41
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:53,906
Are you jerking off?
You want me to?
42
00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,496
What's going on, Mom?
43
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,081
I have an audition
for Nashville
44
00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:04,125
to play the ghost of
Connie Britton from behind,
45
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,377
and I have a lot of deep
conditioning to do.
46
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:11,257
Well, as you know,
my 65th birthday
is just around the corner.
47
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:14,176
Oh, right, of course.
You're asking me for a favor.
48
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:17,888
No... I'm going to
redeem a coupon.
49
00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:20,558
Mom, this is from, like,
30 years ago.
50
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,059
Isn't that adorable?
51
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,311
That you didn't include
an expiration date.
52
00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:26,063
Which leads me
to my birthday.
53
00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:29,316
I'm going to celebrate
by officially
becoming a woman.
54
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,360
You're getting vaginal
rejuvenation surgery?
55
00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:32,945
I told you,
I don't need that.
56
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:35,406
I've always wanted
to have a bat mitzvah,
57
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,784
and your one nice thing
is that you're gonna
plan it for me.
58
00:02:38,868 --> 00:02:41,370
Mom, a bat mitzvah's
a huge headache.
59
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:44,206
Don't you remember mine?
The Torah classes,
60
00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:46,750
the theme, the venue...
I made you a mood board
61
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,378
so you can see
the kind of things
I'm looking for.
62
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,755
Okay, that's a beach.
63
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:54,091
That's Jessica Chastain
winning a Golden Globe.
64
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:56,051
I don't see how
this translates
to your bat mitzvah.
65
00:02:56,135 --> 00:02:57,469
All right, I tell you what.
66
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,513
Why don't you just handle
the cake, the invites,
67
00:02:59,597 --> 00:03:02,183
and you write me
the greatest toast
of a lifetime!
68
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:03,851
Mom, that's a lotta work!
69
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,644
What makes you think
I have that kind of time?
70
00:03:05,728 --> 00:03:07,396
I follow your Instagram.
71
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:12,026
So how does this work?
You visualize what you want
and then you just get it?
72
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,361
Because all I do is
keep cutting out
pictures of Nick Jonas.
73
00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:17,448
Mm.
Oh, scissors!
It's the cast of Bewitched.
74
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,617
The Nicole Kidman remake?
Yes, exactly.
75
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,745
I need to stab myself.
No, it's the old one.
76
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,164
I love your stories
about how obsessed you were
77
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:28,834
with old '60s TV shows
when you were a weird
little gay boy.
78
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:31,629
Did I ever tell you that
I once wrote a fan letter
to Mickey Dolenz?
79
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,505
What?
Yes. To ask him advice
80
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:35,132
on what to do with
my curly hair.
81
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:36,926
And he never wrote back?
What a dick.
82
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,553
Neil Kaplan is in a coma?
Who is that again?
83
00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:42,056
His name is familiar.
He's a big showrunner.
84
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,683
He did that Gina Gershon
sitcom, Dumb Whore,
85
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,310
about the absentminded
prostitute
86
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,687
with a peanut allergy.
Yes! I remember that.
87
00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:50,898
Why wasn't it called
The Nutty Hooker?
88
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:54,026
I have no idea.
89
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,820
Oh, but, hey, you can put
Neil on your dream board.
90
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,323
Maybe you can get his job
if he dies.
91
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,075
Oh, that's a great idea!
92
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,912
Is it sad that
a comatose showrunner
93
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,039
is something I can only
dream to be?
94
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:09,667
No.
95
00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,881
Is there a Billy Epstein
here?
96
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,633
Oh, my God.
97
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,635
Oh...my...GOD!
98
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,971
Mickey Dolenz?
Yes, I'm Billy!
99
00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:23,472
I was just thinking
about you the other night!
100
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,932
I put you on
my dream board!
101
00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:27,810
I came to personally
thank you for your letter.
102
00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:29,311
What?!
103
00:04:29,395 --> 00:04:31,021
Is this from 30 years ago?
104
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:33,065
I cannot believe this.
105
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,276
Look at this.
Look at my handwriting!
106
00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:37,069
Oh, I was so gay, even then.
107
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,197
Well, it looks like
you got the curly hair
thing all worked out.
108
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,367
Anyway, I've been doing
some introspection.
109
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,036
I don't think
I was as grateful
as I could have been
110
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,330
back in the heyday
of Monkeemania.
111
00:04:48,414 --> 00:04:51,292
So I'm thanking all my fans
for their letters.
112
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,085
I'm up to the Es.
113
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,504
You're the seventh
Epstein in Manhattan.
114
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,006
I know, there are
so many Jews here,
115
00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,258
including Jared Kushner.
Why am I talking about him?
116
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,719
Mickey Dolenz!
Oh, my God!
117
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,304
Well, I better get goin'.
118
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,014
Gotta catch
the last train to--
119
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,849
Clarksville!
Massapequa.
120
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,267
70-year-old woman there
121
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,312
who sent me a pair
of her panties back in '78.
122
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:15,190
She wants me to
take her to see "Jaws 2."
123
00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:16,900
Well, okay.
124
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,944
Bye, Mickey Dolenz!
125
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:20,279
Thank you!
126
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,573
"Malala signs with CAA"?
127
00:05:23,282 --> 00:05:24,783
Hasn't that girl
suffered enough?
128
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:26,368
Hello, farm to table.
129
00:05:26,452 --> 00:05:28,620
What a long day.
130
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:30,205
It is pilot season at PBS.
131
00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:32,291
The shows are so strong,
it's gonna be hard to pick.
132
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,251
You should do what
every other network does
133
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:36,337
and never wants to take
a chance on anything new.
134
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,505
I just read that ABC is doing
a Game of Thrones rip-off
135
00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:39,965
called Dragons and Rape.
136
00:05:40,049 --> 00:05:41,675
Oh, look!
My old friend Kenny
137
00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:44,762
is taking over
for that showrunner
that went into a coma.
138
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,972
Kenny was very, very funny.
139
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:48,474
You never talk about
old friends.
140
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,726
Well, he and I used to fuck
and I didn't mention it,
141
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,102
'cause I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.
142
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,437
Thank you, terms of service.
143
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,314
I should find Kenny's email
144
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,649
and maybe he'll hire me
to write on that show.
145
00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,860
This dream board
is really working!
146
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:02,404
Yeah, this could be
a good fit for you, bank pen.
147
00:06:02,488 --> 00:06:03,989
Maybe this Kenny
is spearheading
148
00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,866
a weird, edgy,
hard TV comedy.
149
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,701
Like the ones they make
at Adult Swim.
150
00:06:07,785 --> 00:06:11,413
Only hopefully this network
won't make women use
separate water fountains.
151
00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:13,207
I'm just kidding.
152
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,292
There are no women allowed
at Adult Swim.
153
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,797
Okay, Kenny,
I'm going to get
right to the point.
154
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,758
I want you to hire me
to write for your TV show.
155
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,843
Oh--
What a relief!
156
00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,303
I thought--I'm sorry--
157
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:29,056
I thought you were gonna
tell me that that abortion
that I paid you to get
158
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:32,267
you didn't get and that
we have a 12-year-old
kid somewhere!
159
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,353
Oh, Christ, no!
No, no, no!
160
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,521
Oh, Jesus!
161
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,981
I did use the money
for something else, 'cause
I wasn't actually pregnant,
162
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,484
but don't worry--
we don't have
a child together.
163
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,278
Thank God.
So you wanna write
for Fuzz Buddies.
164
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,655
Yeah! Fuzz Buddies.
165
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,533
I mean, it sounds so
totally you, you know?
166
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:52,621
So Kenny, like, so wrong
and dirty and edgy...
167
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,540
Julie, it's a kid's show
for Nick Jr.
168
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,875
about a panda, a kitten,
and a sunflower.
169
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,630
Well, you have just
described the show
170
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,133
I am most qualified
to write for.
171
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:05,968
You have experience
writing for kids?
172
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,386
No.
173
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,431
You have kids.
Gimme a break, Kenny.
174
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,057
Just 'cause I never had
your abortion
175
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,226
doesn't mean I haven't punched
some holes in my old PP card.
176
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,602
Julie, I wanna help out,
177
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,771
but you don't sound like
you have a lot of experience,
178
00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:19,356
and the network is on me:
179
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,733
Find someone
who's good with story.
180
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,571
Story?
Why didn't you say so?
181
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,823
They call me
"The Story Machine."
182
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,616
Yeah. You know who calls me
The Story Machine?
183
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,994
That showrunner
who's in a coma.
184
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,872
The one you replaced.
I mean, call him right now,
185
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,791
and he'd tell you
how great I was,
but he's in that dang coma!
186
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,168
If that's how Neil
felt about you--
187
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,961
Yeah, Neil! Neil.
188
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,463
Neil, the guy in the coma.
189
00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,423
Neil's the one who says
that I'm that good.
190
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,925
Now, no promises,
but this is what we need.
191
00:07:47,009 --> 00:07:49,511
I mean,
we need this so badly.
Thank you so much!
192
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:51,305
Oh, Kenny, I'm so glad
we reconnected.
193
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,598
No problem, yeah.
194
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:55,225
You know, I just feel
like I should get this
out of the way
195
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,436
to clear the air. Um...
196
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,355
in case any old
feelings reemerge,
197
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,773
I have a boyfriend.
198
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:03,066
Oh, no, I wasn't gonna--
199
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,568
I wasn't gonna make
a pass at you.
200
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:06,612
I mean, look,
I'm sober now, so...
201
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,364
Congrats.
202
00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:11,116
Who are we even
standing in for?
203
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,368
I have no idea.
I barely made it here.
204
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,037
I was up all night
with Mickey Dolenz.
205
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,122
He showed up at
your place at 4:00 a.m.?
206
00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:19,708
With a guitar
and a lot of stories.
207
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,418
What does he want
from you, a kidney?
208
00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,253
Does he want to
sleep with you?
Does he want your money?
209
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,255
Well, if it's money he wants,
I don't have any.
210
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,840
Might as well see
where it goes.
211
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,967
What about you? Any update
on the staff writing job?
212
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:32,221
No. Should I send Kenny
another picture of my tits?
213
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,972
Uh,
let's set up the shot.
214
00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:36,808
All right, guy,
you are Mike Rinder.
215
00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:38,602
And woman,
you are Leah Remini.
216
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,313
Oh, for the second season
of the Scientology show.
217
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:44,066
Yep. You guys
are the cutaways
when they answer questions.
218
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,652
Uh, woman stand-in,
I need you to
put on the nails.
219
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,862
Yeah.
Oh...okay.
220
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,615
All right, now, uh,
scroll that iPad
221
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075
in the weird way
that Leah does.
222
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,412
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
O-okay, I'm getting a glare!
223
00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,914
Hold!
224
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:03,335
Hello?
225
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,879
Oh, my God!
226
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,507
I got the staff job!
227
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,300
Mickey Dolenz
is in the hospital,
228
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,010
and I'm his
emergency contact.
229
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,929
You win!
230
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,808
Thanks for picking me up
from the hospital.
231
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,893
They wouldn't let me leave
without an escort.
232
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:22,437
Yeah, sure. Here,
let me get this chair for you.
233
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:27,150
Ah. You know...
I just have to ask.
234
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,028
How am I
your emergency contact?
235
00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:32,906
Well, I don't have any family,
and all my friends are dead.
236
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,032
What about Peter Tork?
237
00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:35,659
He's more like a work friend.
238
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:39,246
Billy, I wasn't totally
honest with you
about the fan mail.
239
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:43,667
Truth is...
I'm dying.
240
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,752
Mickey Dolenz, no.
241
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,879
Mickey Dolenz, yes.
242
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:49,673
I am so sorry.
243
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,843
Well, I don't need
a kidney or anything,
so don't worry.
244
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:56,471
I just wanna leave
the world with a bang!
245
00:09:56,555 --> 00:09:58,599
So I wrote
a one-man show.
246
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:01,184
Okay...
I need some help with it.
247
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,687
You said in your letter
you wanted to collaborate.
248
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,063
I mean, I was seven years old.
249
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:06,815
I don't think I knew
what collaborate meant.
250
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,066
It was implied.
251
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,444
The point is,
I've already written
the script.
252
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:14,281
Can you just take
a look at it for me,
give me some notes?
253
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,825
Yeah. I mean, of course.
It's the least I can do.
254
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:20,662
Here's the script.
Let's set a notes call
for Thursday.
255
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,418
25 years ago,
256
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,629
I dropped you off
at your first Torah class
257
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,130
with the other
bat mitzvah girls,
258
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:31,965
and here you are
doing it for me.
259
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:36,053
Yes, Mom, it's so funny,
it's... nearly Duplassian.
260
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,596
Don't forget
the invitations, okay?
261
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:38,680
Did you get the list?
262
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,766
Yeah. You don't even
talk to half those
people anymore.
263
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,518
So? As my Romanian
hairdresser says,
264
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:46,188
"Volume is everything!"
Goodbye!
265
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:48,440
Hello, girls.
266
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:50,192
Should I sit here?
267
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:54,988
So...welcome to Torah class,
bat mitzvah girls to be.
268
00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:58,200
Why don't we go around
and say something
about ourselves?
269
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,702
I'm Rabbi Scheckter
and, uh,
270
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,287
I like '60s pop music.
271
00:11:02,371 --> 00:11:04,122
And I'm Dr. Marilyn Kessler,
272
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:07,125
and the theme for my
bat mitzvah is "me"!
273
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,252
My name is Shoshanna,
and my theme's
274
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,296
"at least I'm not
as old as her."
275
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:12,923
Um...
276
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,508
let's be respectful.
277
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:17,386
Marilyn has waited
a long time for her
bat mitzvah.
278
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:21,390
If only her hair colorist
had waited a little longer
to take out those foils,
279
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,600
then her highlights
wouldn't be so brassy.
280
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:25,102
My Romanian hairdresser
281
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:28,438
cost more than your
private school tuition,
you little bitch.
282
00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:33,318
So, Brooke,
what's your deal?
283
00:11:33,402 --> 00:11:36,321
Okay, quick intros.
Eric, story monster.
284
00:11:36,405 --> 00:11:39,032
Lyle, his brother,
is a joke beast.
285
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,826
We got Izzy and Taz from
"The Pickup Artist" community,
286
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:44,579
Brian from Harvard,
our YouTube sensation
Demios of Chaldes,
287
00:11:44,663 --> 00:11:46,665
and Julie, who is a woman.
288
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,917
And a "story machine."
289
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,837
But can she take a joke?
Or are you one of those
uptight feminists?
290
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,922
Oh, no, I hate women.
291
00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:56,883
I got into TV writing
so I could not write for them.
292
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:59,386
Fuck, yeah!
Oh, did you hear
Drew Barrymore
293
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,138
on Howard Stern
this morning?
I did.
294
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,889
She got old, right?
295
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,434
She's a dog now.
She used to be a 9.
296
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,811
Yeah, when she was 9!
297
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,063
Right?
298
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,357
Somebody should
slit her...throat
299
00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:14,526
and make a lampshade
out of her skin.
300
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,530
Baba Booey?
301
00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:21,241
'Kay, let's blue sky
this bitch!
302
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:25,996
Who has got ideas for
"Panda's Birthday Party"?
303
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,665
What if, uh, Panda
took Kitten to the party
304
00:12:28,749 --> 00:12:30,667
and everybody
liked Kitten more?
305
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,044
No. That's not very good.
306
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:34,963
You have another pitch?
307
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,340
Hmm? Oh, no.
308
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,342
I-I just didn't like that.
309
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:44,014
Well, okay, what if, uh,
Kitten's birthday is
the same day as Panda's?
310
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,808
And Kitten is jealous
311
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:49,770
of all of the attention
that Panda's getting?
312
00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,063
Yeah, jealousy.
It's real.
313
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,357
My pig wife said no
to a threesome
314
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,276
with our cleaning lady
because of jealousy.
315
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,153
Oh... I'm so sorry.
316
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,696
Yeah.
317
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,826
Or...what if we don't
do anything about
a birthday party
318
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,870
and the gang starts
a food truck?
319
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,290
How does that fit into
the story diamond?
320
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,375
The what?
You're a story machine,
321
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,961
and you don't know about
the story diamond?
That's Kenny's thing.
322
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,464
Yeah. Talked about it
on Marc Maron
for 3 1/2 hours
323
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,217
after my mom's stuff
and his vinyl collection.
324
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,760
Yeah, yeah, you take
a diamond, right?
325
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:24,638
You split it in half,
then you cut it
in 16 segments.
326
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,640
And on the left
you got your plot points,
327
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,517
and then you
cross-correspond that
328
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,143
to the segments on the right
329
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,187
where you got your
characters in crises.
330
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,355
Story diamond.
331
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:34,981
Obviously,
I'm familiar with it,
332
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,901
but Neil, you know,
my old boss,
333
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,820
um, didn't like to do that.
334
00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,822
He preferred the way
I break a story.
335
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:44,157
We could call Neil
and ask him but...
336
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,827
he's in that coma, so...
337
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,078
Lunch?
338
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,082
I just received
four pages of notes
339
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,709
from my mom on
a half-page bat mitzvah toast.
340
00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:56,253
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
341
00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:00,507
Mickey Dolenz's one-man show
has an 87-page cold open.
342
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,509
That stupid dream board
came true,
343
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,469
and it turns out working
with my childhood idol
344
00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:06,012
is a fucking nightmare!
Yeah.
345
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,764
And my dream of writing for TV
346
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,850
turns out to be men
incapable of talking
to women
347
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,102
telling me I don't know
how women actually talk!
348
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,228
Hello, last looks.
349
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,021
Uh-oh.
350
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:17,232
Cake buffet?
351
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,276
Either your first day
of work went poorly,
352
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,111
or Pete Holmes
got another break.
353
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,697
I am picking out a cake
for my mother's bat mitzvah.
354
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,323
And technically, yes,
I already chose one
355
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:27,033
when I went to the bakery
with Billy.
356
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:29,119
I just need to make
sure that I made
the right decision.
357
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,746
So work went okay.
Absolutely not!
358
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,290
Did you know that TV writing
359
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,542
is just people stuck
in a room together
talking all day?
360
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,878
It's like a cocktail party
with the ugliest people
on earth.
361
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:43,633
You're just gonna split
a side of Brussels sprouts--
Billy!
362
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,344
Quick question.
Mickey, I'm at work.
363
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:47,929
And your questions
are rarely quick.
364
00:14:48,013 --> 00:14:49,556
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
365
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,765
Mickey Dolenz.
366
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,143
You said you had
some notes for me
367
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,729
on the Roddy McDowall duet.
368
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:58,398
Oh, not notes.
Uh, questions, actually.
369
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:01,151
Specifically what,
how, and why?
370
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,695
Pretty straight forward.
Um, I'm singing,
371
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,323
"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees,"
with Roddy McDowall,
372
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,992
who's dressed as Cornelius
from Planet of the Apes.
373
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,744
Did you know that
Roddy McDowall is dead?
374
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,370
Which is why
375
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:15,290
we're gonna use
a hologram, obviously.
376
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,459
Even if you could afford
the technology
377
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,085
that would make
that dream a reality,
378
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,212
do you have
any footage anywhere
379
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,548
of Roddy McDowall singing,
"Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees"?
380
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:25,258
Because, if not--
I see, yeah.
381
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,218
Smart.
382
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:28,637
Let me noodle on that.
383
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,598
Meanwhile, I've added
a new song.
384
00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:34,225
Mickey, I'm sorry, I'm done.
385
00:15:34,309 --> 00:15:35,769
Billy, I'm dyin'.
386
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,938
No offense, Mickey,
but...when?
387
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,106
Billy, you said
in your letter--
388
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,525
I wrote that same fan
letter to Olivia Newton John.
389
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:43,860
I was a child.
390
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,737
And by the way,
her turnaround was a lot
faster than yours.
391
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,114
She sent me a Xanadu
head shot in, like, a week.
392
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:51,618
Well... I guess
this is goodbye.
393
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:52,994
Yeah.
394
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,621
I'll see you
in another 30 years.
395
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,206
No, Billy.
396
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:58,583
You won't.
397
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,297
Mickey Dolenz.
I'm dying!
398
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:08,134
Now, Marilyn, your Torah
portion will be Tehillim.
399
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:12,555
"Delight in God,
and he will give thee
the desires of thy heart."
400
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,393
It means...
believe in your daydreams.
401
00:16:17,185 --> 00:16:18,853
Be a Daydream Believer.
402
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:22,107
Or Daydream Belieber.
Right, girls?
403
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,985
Justin Bieber?
404
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,696
We love him, right?
405
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,699
Yeah. Because he's so cool.
406
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:34,369
Okay, I was born without
the ability to sense sarcasm,
407
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:37,914
so I'm just gonna
keep pitching and see
what you might like.
408
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,083
Okay, wait a minute.
This might be cool.
409
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,003
Do you like chicken?
410
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,757
Okay, let's break this
Panda's birthday story
411
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,759
like it was
a virgin's hymen.
412
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:59,436
God. "Panda's Party"
is not tracking!
413
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,313
Oh, my God.
414
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:05,900
Is Kenny still on
that phone call?
415
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,277
It's been like an hour!
416
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,905
Well, it's his divorce lawyer,
so you never know.
417
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,949
But he doesn't let us work
without him.
418
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,075
Ugh!
419
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:17,912
Fuck. My ex.
420
00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:19,539
I fuckin' hate women, Kenny.
421
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:22,459
Let's fix this Panda story.
Everybody order dinner.
422
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,044
It's gonna be a late night.
423
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,840
Well, she got all
the Criterion DVDs
424
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,258
and the gun cabinet,
425
00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:33,511
but one upside to losing
everything to that bitch
426
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:36,097
is I don't have to stay
sober anymore!
427
00:17:36,181 --> 00:17:38,600
So, wait, because Kenny's
going through a divorce,
428
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,393
we have to stay
here all night?
429
00:17:40,477 --> 00:17:41,936
Yeah.
430
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,688
Isn't there, like,
a writer's union
431
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,231
to protect us
from that kind of shit?
432
00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:49,069
Finally, she says
something funny.
433
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:55,158
Ah, God, come on,
you fuckers, think! All right?
434
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:58,411
Panda Kitten, Sunflower,
435
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:01,039
and Panda has a birthday!
436
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:02,957
Bamboo-eating cocksucker!
437
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,085
Okay, what if, uh,
438
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,879
Panda has a surprise
birthday party
439
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:09,631
but no one shows up.
440
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:11,049
So nothing happens?
441
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:13,134
How's that fit into
Kenny's story diamond?
442
00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,886
What'd I tell you
about women and story?
443
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:16,763
Okay, fuck you, Brian!
444
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,223
Because what I just pitched
445
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:22,977
fits perfectly
into the story...
double helix
446
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:24,604
that me and Neil
came up with
447
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,148
when we were working
on that Gina Gershon
show together.
448
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:28,775
Dumb Whore?
Double helix?
449
00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:31,069
Yeah. Neil said
it was bulletproof
450
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:33,363
and totally next level,
but I understand
451
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,990
if you guys wanna
play it safe with the diamond.
452
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:38,576
No, explain the double
helix, all right?
453
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,328
Just draw it up there.
Explain it to us.
454
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:41,913
Right now?
Walk us through it!
455
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,206
Do what Kenny says!
456
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,083
Yes, go, go, go, go, go.
Okay.
457
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,502
All right, well, okay,
so the story double helix--
458
00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:48,628
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
just draw it.
459
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,338
Here's the first
helix, right?
Yeah, boom, boom, boom.
460
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:54,717
And, you know, like any, uh,
organism, it has quadrants.
461
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:58,847
So there are 56 quadrants
in each subset.
462
00:18:58,930 --> 00:19:00,056
Let's get some more Thai food.
463
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,599
How many noodles
do you need?
464
00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,726
Noodles are brain food.
No, they're not!
465
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:09,774
Now the hero has
refused the journey,
466
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:13,111
but that's when we get
the four alligators,
467
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,947
which I call
internal conflicts.
468
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:18,616
I'm confused.
Oh, are you confused, Brian?
469
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,118
It's so simple!
470
00:19:20,201 --> 00:19:22,328
And it applies to any movie.
471
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:25,623
My God, if Neil were here,
he would laugh at you.
472
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:26,875
If Neil were where?
473
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,043
Hey!
Oh ho ho!
474
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:31,629
Neil, you're outta your coma!
475
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:32,922
Yeah, I got out yesterday.
476
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,508
First thing I wanted to do
was come back to work
477
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,719
because I have
a horrible marriage.
478
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:41,389
Well, your story machine
479
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:44,267
is explaining
your double helix to us.
480
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,854
Who the fuck are you
and what the fuck
is a double helix?
481
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,442
Julie...
you're a good fuck...
482
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,902
Aw...
483
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:56,404
But you are
a shitty story machine.
484
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,823
So...you are fired.
485
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,868
Well, fine.
486
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:04,245
Because...I quit anyway.
487
00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:05,997
And you know what else?
488
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,209
None you have any
point of view
489
00:20:09,292 --> 00:20:11,544
formed outside
your own shitty lives.
490
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,338
You guys are bad writers.
491
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:17,342
Not just because
you lack imagination,
492
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,344
but because you lack empathy.
493
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:24,891
So suck...my...fat...a-twat!
494
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,478
Jeez. It's your own fault.
495
00:20:29,604 --> 00:20:32,565
For hiring a woman.
Ha ha!
496
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:33,858
Neil!
497
00:20:33,942 --> 00:20:35,318
All those dream boards did
498
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,695
was give us what
we want after we didn't
want it anymore,
499
00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:40,823
Like Calista Flockhart
when Harrison Ford
finally called her back.
500
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,450
And now that
I think about it,
I'm pretty sure
501
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,118
I was working with
the Menendez brothers.
502
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:45,662
But on the bright side,
503
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,789
they still had to pay me
for the whole week.
504
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:49,540
Look. Check it out.
505
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,503
Whoa! Oh, my God!
506
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,713
If this is what giving
notes to Mickey Dolenz
would have paid,
507
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:56,798
I never would have quit.
508
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:59,717
Do you know that he came
and dropped off a song
for the ending
509
00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,594
even after I bailed?
Aw!
510
00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:04,097
"Number One Fan."
511
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,849
Holy shit, Billy.
This is about you.
512
00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:08,351
What?
Yeah, he's saying
513
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,311
that he's your number
one fan. Look!
514
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,146
No.
Yeah!
515
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:13,940
Oh, my God!
516
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:16,150
He even talks about
my curly hair!
517
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,320
Fuck!
Now I can't quit on him!
518
00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:20,613
I'm gonna go find him.
519
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:23,157
I mean, I have no problem
walking away from
a dying man,
520
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:25,159
but I can't walk away
from a dying fan.
521
00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,786
I'll see you at Marilyn's
bat mitzvah?
522
00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:31,124
Ooh! A Jewish birthday party.
523
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:33,126
Who will I bring?
What will I hear?
524
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,794
Oh, fuck!
525
00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,547
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
526
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:40,300
Uh, that's what she said!
527
00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:42,468
I forgot to send out
those bat mitzvah invitations!
528
00:21:42,552 --> 00:21:43,761
Now no one's gonna come!
529
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:45,388
That's what he said!
530
00:21:58,359 --> 00:21:59,736
Hey, how's my favorite client,
531
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,904
aka, the back of
Reba McEntire's head
532
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:04,407
in a Hallmark movie
if you're available
on Thursday.
533
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:06,659
I am completely available
on Thursday,
534
00:22:06,743 --> 00:22:10,413
but I wanted to know
if you could fill
a synagogue in three hours.
535
00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:12,582
How many stand-ins
will this get me?
536
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,543
Mom! There you are.
537
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:17,795
I was looking for you.
Don't cry!
538
00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:19,797
No one's here, Julie.
539
00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:22,008
I texted Bonnie,
and she said
540
00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:24,218
she never even
got an invitation.
541
00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:26,596
I didn't invite Bonnie.
Why would we want Bonnie here?
542
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,389
We hate Bonnie!
Don't worry.
543
00:22:28,473 --> 00:22:30,141
I promise,
the synagogue will be full.
544
00:22:30,224 --> 00:22:32,769
Maybe not with the same
attendees that we'd hoped,
545
00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:35,772
but does your Romanian
hairdresser always say?
546
00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:38,483
"Don't worry.
547
00:22:38,566 --> 00:22:42,153
Warts aren't contagious.
Cash only!"
548
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:44,572
Okay, well, I was gonna say
"volume is everything,"
549
00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:47,116
but kudos on
that impression.
Well, thank you.
550
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,701
It'll be great.
I promise.
551
00:22:48,785 --> 00:22:50,578
Billy even brought
a celebrity.
552
00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:52,455
It better not be
Marcia Gay Harden.
553
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:55,833
She owes me $1,200,
and she knows why!
554
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:58,711
Julie, cheer me up.
Read my toast.
555
00:22:58,795 --> 00:22:59,879
Okay.
556
00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:04,008
All right, here it is.
557
00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:07,011
"To Marilyn,
558
00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:10,390
"who waited her whole life
for a perfect bat mitzvah.
559
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:13,184
"But I learned a lesson
from a panda recently.
560
00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:16,521
"A party is perfect
when you're around
people who love you.
561
00:23:16,604 --> 00:23:18,439
The rest is just cake."
562
00:23:18,523 --> 00:23:20,608
It's lovely.
Thanks.
563
00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:22,527
It's based on something
called the story diamond,
564
00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:25,071
which, turns out,
really does work.
565
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:29,242
Mickey, I'm really sorry
I walked out on you.
566
00:23:29,325 --> 00:23:30,410
We're cool.
567
00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:34,288
And thanks for inviting me
to this older lady's
12 birthday party.
568
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:37,125
Now, our bat mitzvah girl,
Marilyn Kessler,
569
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,835
will read from the Torah.
570
00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:49,804
Billy, are you sure
this Budapest tour--
571
00:23:49,887 --> 00:23:52,473
Shh! Mickey,
she's reading. Shh!
572
00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:54,600
Mickey Dolenz?
573
00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:55,726
Uh-oh.
574
00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:57,270
You work here?
575
00:23:57,353 --> 00:24:00,356
This jerk answered
a fan letter of mine
576
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,817
only to waste a year
of my life
577
00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:05,111
helping him rewrite
his one-man show!
578
00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:06,404
But I'm dying!
579
00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:09,198
We're all dying, Dolenz!
You're fine.
580
00:24:09,282 --> 00:24:11,492
Wait, Mickey, is this true?
581
00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:13,578
All right, the jig is up.
582
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:16,497
The only disease I have
is one-man-show fever.
583
00:24:16,581 --> 00:24:19,208
Hold on. You reached out
to all of your old fans
in the hopes--
584
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:22,003
Yes. To get free notes
for my show, yeah.
585
00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,130
That is the worst con
I've ever heard.
586
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:25,923
Oh, is it?
587
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:28,926
Well, thanks to
sucker fans like you,
588
00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:31,179
my show is done.
589
00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:34,015
And it's perfect,
and it's gonna be a smash it,
590
00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:36,684
and none of you are gonna
get a fucking penny!
591
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:38,394
I win.
592
00:24:39,187 --> 00:24:40,563
I always win.
593
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,065
I'm Mickey fuckin' Dolenz.
594
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,443
And I'm Dr. Marilyn
fucking Kessler.
595
00:24:45,526 --> 00:24:48,154
Now, shut up
so I can become a woman.
596
00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:52,116
You know, stand-in work
really isn't that degrading
597
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,451
when you consider
the alternatives.
598
00:24:53,534 --> 00:24:54,619
Yeah, you're right.
599
00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:56,162
All right, which one of you's
standing in for Guy Fieri,
600
00:24:56,245 --> 00:24:57,705
which one of you's
standing in for the ribs?
601
00:24:57,788 --> 00:24:59,373
That was never
made entirely clear.
602
00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:00,708
Doesn't matter.
You're both getting wet.
603
00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:01,959
Bring on the donkey sauce!
604
00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:04,462
Oh!
605
00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:07,256
Thought it'd be easy
606
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:10,259
Thought they didn't know
607
00:25:10,343 --> 00:25:13,679
You thought it was
the only way to go
608
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,683
Another way out
609
00:25:17,767 --> 00:25:20,478
Found on the way home
610
00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:22,230
Thought you were
living fast
611
00:25:22,313 --> 00:25:24,690
But you were living slow
612
00:25:39,830 --> 00:25:41,207
La la la la!
613
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:42,750
Oh, my God!
46646
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