Original subtitles

Hey, good news, everybody.

I have used my considerable charm and influence

to get us a private room at Tribeca Grill

to celebrate the mayor's state of the city address.

There will be an open bar.

I'm saying there will be an open bar.

Shh. Look.

Who's that sweet-looking young woman

and why is she talking to Stuart?

As disturbing and shocking as it may seem

we have reason to believe

she might actually be Stuart's girlfriend.

No, there's gotta be a logical explanation for this.

She's serving him a subpoena.

Mike, this is Carolyn.

Hi, Carolyn. Mike Flaherty.

I know. Stuie's told me

so many great things about you.

Oh, Stuie has, has he? Mmm-mmm.

Carolyn... Cara...Carolynnn.

It's an exotic name.

Are you a U.S. citizen?

Oh, yeah. Born and bred right here in Manhattan.

Stuart, I gotta run.

It was really nice meeting everyone.

Hmm-mmm. Nice.

I'll keep it for later.

Hey, Stuart.

Huh?

Your girlfriend, she seems very...

normal.

So I'm dating a nice, normal woman.

What's the big deal?

Nothing. No, no, no.

She's exactly the kind of nice, normal woman

I always thought you'd be with.

Only I figured she'd be more...

inflatable.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, sir, we've got a busy couple of days ahead of us.

I've set up a series

of strategic meetings and appearances

culminating in your state of the city address.

It's an opportunity for us to look back in pride

at the last year.

What's it all about, Mike?

Well, sir, this is politics,

so unless it's a trick question,

I'm gonna go with "winning."

Oh, let's face it.

There's just been one blunder after another

in both my personal life and my political life.

That's what this speech should say.

Well, you know, actually it does.

It does, sir. Right here, look at this.

"Of course, this administration

"Has faced small setbacks... Mmm.

"But we've corrected them and learned from them."

It's got "blunder" written all over it.

I killed an ex-mayor, Mike.

But we learned from that.

How many ex-mayors

did you kill after that?

I've offended the gay community,

I have poisoned the homeless,

I've alienated the women's action caucus,

and I made a mockery of the deaf.

Look, we have lived up

to 70% of our campaign promises.

Let's face it, the other 30%

we pretty much knew were impossible coming in.

Maybe you're right.

It's not my job to depress the city.

It's my job to uplift this city.

And that's what this speech is all about.

This isn't the end of a bad year,

it's the beginning of a great new one.

Exactly.

Mr. Mayor? Huh?

Your lawyer just dropped off your divorce papers.

You're in a very, uh...

A very good place here, sir.

Let's try and stay positive.

It's official.

I'm the biggest loser in the history of time.

That's the spirit.

Hey, there, roomie.

Hey, there... roomie.

Today's the day, Paulie.

We're moving in together.

That's today?

Yes, Paul. Look at your

365-new-words-a-year calendar.

Absquatulate.

Slang for "escape."

It's ironic.

Listen. You're a little nervous.

So am I. It's natural.

But it's gonna be fine,

so just give me the keys,

and I'll have a celebration dinner waiting.

Okay, right now, I just don't know...

I had them around here somewhere. I just...

I hear them jingling, Paul.

No, that's, that's my change.

Well, how do you know that

if you don't stick your hands in pockets?

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

I know what my keys sound like and what my change sounds...

I found them.

You know, Paul?

I don't want to feel like I'm forcing you.

Just because I've given up my lease,

moved out of my apartment,

and everything I own is crammed in a U-Haul

parked illegally in a fire lane...

That is no reason you should feel obligated

to keep your word to me

and begin our life together.

Hey... I'm sorry.

I do love you.

Oh...

Okay, this is the front door key. Okay.

And this is the deadlock bolt. Got it.

And this is the mailbox key,

but I better keep that.

It says "do not duplicate."

You can get in big trouble for that.

I mean, sure, I said we would move in together,

but in my mind, that's like being engaged to be engaged.

So now you're moved to move in.

Yes! This is why I talk to you.

So what do you think I should do?

Oh, uh, you know... I hear what you're saying, Paul,

and I really care about this, so, um...

Gimme a call at home.

You'll be there?

Oh, definitely. Definitely.

Yeah, yeah, either me or my machine.

Sorry, Mike, one quick thing. Uh-huh?

I got the mayor's notes back

on my first draft of the state of the city speech.

All right, so go ahead and make the changes.

Mike, he wrote, "Why me?" On every page.

And then on the back, he doodled a picture of his own tombstone.

This is an easy one, James.

You just... Wow.

"Randall Winston. 1947-1997."

Doesn't give us much time, does it?

In the next installment in your tax dollars at work,

the city has purchased 30 new street sweeping vehicles.

Any questions, comments?

I got a question.

Why do we need all those things for? What's the point?

Are we gonna clean the same street three times a day?

Most people don't even brush their teeth that often.

Uh, sir,

normally we save grilling of the administration

for the press.

We keep spending and spending.

We got nothing to show for it.

Just wish I could account for all the waste.

Well, that's what we got the street cleaners for.

To take care of the waste. Paul, take it away.

Well, that concludes the debate portion of today's press conference.

Framboise beer? Who brought this?

I thought you guys would like it. It's berry-flavored.

I prefer the beer-flavored beer.

What's with this whole new policy of mandatory socializing?

Finally get a night off, and we have to hang out together.

Look, Paul's bringing the mayor by.

We'll surprise him, cheer him up a little bit.

We'll be out of here by 9:30.

You can all go your separate ways

to whatever exciting social lives you all lead.

What are you guys doing tonight?

Nothing. No plans.

Want to get together for a drink?

Yep.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Stuart?

Sweetheart! You're early.

I was gonna go out in the street and wait for you.

Oh...

I knew you would, you...sweet boy,

and that's why I came early.

A perfect angel.

You are. Now, can I get you something to drink?

Just a glass of water with a little ice.

Actually, Mike's out of ice.

Then we'll just go down to the store and get some.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Why?

You want me to, uh, pay for the ice?

Oh, come on! I'll even pick up some extra chips, too.

It's on me.

All right, who was that?

I've never seen anything like it. He was so...

Nice? Yeah.

You know, when I was little, my family had a dog.

He was really mean dog.

He used to snap at people all the time.

And then one day, my dad took him to the vet,

and he came back as sweet as a puppy.

So you're suggesting Stuart's girlfriend had him...neutered.

Hey, it's just a theory.

How big is a U-Haul, sir?

I mean, I've seen 18-wheelers,

but Claudia's probably gonna use a smaller model, right?

Doesn't matter.

If she packs right, she can fit her whole life there.

Her whole life, huh? (MOANS) Oh...

Gosh, it's hot in here.

I remember when Helen moved in with me.

One minute I was giving her the spare set of keys.

Three weeks later... We were married.

Oh, dear God.

Now she's taking half...

of everything I own.

(PENCIL SNAPS)

Let me ask you something, sir.

Do you think Claudia and I should move in together?

Paul, I'm really not in the best place

to be giving relationship advice right now.

Be that as it may, sir,

just whatever you're feeling, just blurt it out.

Paul. Please, sir.

If I say no...

Then no it is!

And a very convincing argument it was, sir!

A burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

Paul, you're kidding yourself.

You asked Claudia to move in with you. It's a done deal.

She's not gonna back out now.

I think Claudia will be relieved.

I sense that Claudia's as eager to slow things down as I am.

(KEYS BEEPING, LINE RINGING)

CLAUDIA: Hello, you've reached the home of Claudia and Paul.

Leave a message, and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks for calling. (BEEP)

Oh, I can't believe how much you look like your mom!

Yeah, it's as if she gave birth to me.

Where are all the pictures of us?

I keep those in a private room.

See, what I like to do

is lay about 20 of them out on the floor,

uh, get naked, lube up, and roll around in 'em.

It makes me feel closer to the group.

Mike, not that watching you torture James isn't absolute scintillating,

but what are the odds of Paul being successful

and actually bringing the mayor here?

He can't go wrong. I scripted this whole thing out for him.

I guess that's all for tonight, Paul.

"You can't go home alone tonight, sir."

Why not?

"So why don't we drop by Mike's place?"

You didn't answer my question.

"Gang's all hanging out there."

Are you not listening to me at all, Paul?

"Perfect. So I'll get my stuff."

Are we sure this is a good idea?

Right now the mayor just needs to feel embraced by the group.

I need space.

This place is suffocating me.

He wants to feel grounded.

I want adventure.

Well, then, I will be Thelma for your Louise, sir.

Trust my instincts on this, okay?

The mayor's gonna end up feeling better tonight,

and all our problems are gonna be solved.

Two tickets to Miami, please.

Ask what the movie is.

Mike, I checked the mansion,

his favorite restaurants, the club.

Nothing.

Well, it's official. We are short one mayor.

And I gotta think people are gonna notice that.

There's a disturbing report from the janitorial staff

of Paul and the mayor being seen exiting the building

singing Born Free.

Look, I got something. What?

I am sure the mayor and Paul have gone on some sort of

spur of the moment trip out of town.

How? What do you mean?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Paul keeps a toothbrush hidden here in the office in case he sleeps over,

and it is gone!

How would you know where Paul hides his toothbrush?

I use it to clean my keyboard.

(MOANS) Oh!

Mike, I've got Paul.

Yeah, Paul.

Oh, hey, ho.

No, everything's fine here.

Yeah, so, hey, it's about 60 degrees,

I had a lovely breakfast at the Time Cafe,

and my press secretary (SHOUTS) stole my mayor!

I want him back, Paul.

Paul... no, Paul, I... (STAMMERS)

I don't care that you're okay.

Where are you?

Don't put the mayor on. Don't put him on.

Don't... Mayor... Don't... Hello. Hello, sir.

Uh, no, I... Sir,

if I could just...

Right, sir, but, but... Sir...

(INHALES) Sir, I appreciate you've experienced

a major change in your life,

but if you gather your thoughts you'll see the big picture,

you'll realize the city really needs you and... Hello?

Well, this is it.

No rules, no boundaries, no fear.

Well, that's very poetic, sir.

Did you just make that up?

No, I read it on the young fellow's T-shirt over there.

Sounds like words to live by

for two single guys on the prowl, huh?

Well, I've never been very good

at, at picking up women, sir.

I... I have trouble with my rap.

What's the problem?

I don't have one.

Everybody's got a few standbys.

There was one I used to use in college.

I'd walk up to women and I would say,

"If I could rewrite the alphabet,

"I would put 'U' and 'I' together."

Those must have been some lonely years, Paul.

You've got to tell a woman what you do.

Not many guys can say they're the press secretary

for the mayor of New York City.

I can't just blurt that out, sir.

Just let it happen naturally.

You ask a woman what she does,

and when she tells you, you go, "Oh!"

Then there'll be an awkward silence.

It'll force her to ask what you do.

And that works.

I been doing it for years.

(CLEARS THROAT) So, you, uh,

think you can handle this?

Yeah, I think I can handle this. Why are you smiling?

Hungry press. AWOL mayor.

I think you can do it, but... (CHUCKLES)

It's not something I wanna miss.

I'm not the one who walked out without saying where I was going.

I'm not gonna bust my hump on this.

Maybe I should phone in some lame excuse about the mayor being sick

and take a little vacation myself,

and good luck finding me!

Good morning.

I will be your press secretary today.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

No, not this guy. No more "over here's" or distracting hand gestures.

And, Sally, no more standing in front of Joel so I can't see him.

It's not nice, and it's not fair.

Now, Joel.

Thank you, Mike. I just want to say

how decent of you it was to give Paul the day off.

You must be a real nice guy to work for.

He knows.

But what if I told you

that I have a source who claims to have seen the mayor

along with Mr. Lassiter at a ticket counter at JFK last night?

Well, Joel, I would say that I would like to, uh,

speak to this "source."

It's me, Mike.

Hello, Joel.

How you doin?' Nice to see ya.

And you're wrong.

So you're saying the mayor is still in New York City?

This is what I'm saying, yes.

But he hasn't been seen all day.

What you gonna tell us, he's sick again?

This is more than I could have hoped for.

No. No, of course not.

I, uh, Sally, could you take a step to your right, please?

So the mayor will be sticking to his schedule today?

Yes, he will not be dropping an event all day.

So why did you call this press conference?

I just wanted to say hi!

One Scotch and soda.

Thankee, thankee.

And one virgin fuzzy navel for the party boy.

So...

What do you do for a living?

I'm a waitress.

Oh!

I'm the press secretary for the mayor of New York.

Oh.

If I could rewrite the alphabet,

I'd put "U" and "I" together.

We'll take the check.

(STUART WHISTLING)

You and Carolyn going out to lunch?

Yeah! So, what do you guys think? You like her?

I was going to see if I could have her stapled to you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, let's see, how can I put this delicately?

When you're alone, you're an intolerable jerk.

When you're with her,

you're kind, you're friendly.

You're new Stu.

I like new Stu.

New Stu doesn't glue stuff to my desk.

Hey, I do not change when I'm around her.

This is a ridiculous load

of bull... Sugar pop!

Hi, honey. Hi.

I just want to freshen up before we go.

Oh. Down the hall to the left.

Although I can't imagine how you could be any more beautiful.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY, INHALES)

Oh!

Oh, my God! You guys are right!

What's happened to me? Where's Stuart Bondek?

Relax, buddy. What are you gonna do, break up with her?

Are you crazy? Have you checked out her body?

There I am. (CHUCKLES)

Whoo! I missed me.

I'm sorry! The mayor's not here today.

Well, the mayor's not here, here,

but he, he is in the building.

And he'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you. Bye.

All right.

When did the mayor get back?

Uh, he didn't.

But, like the great and powerful Oz,

we shall create the illusion that he is here all day.

You got my schedule, Janelle?

The mayor's radio address.

Ah. All right. Okay, James.

Splice together some old tapes.

Make it sound like something new.

Stay away from the Christmas address,

the New Year's address,

and that time he affected an English accent

to try to sound more sophisticated.

Okay, fundraisers. School appearance.

Shuffle, reschedule. This is easy!

But we have a dignitary from Kurdistan

coming in for a face-to-face with the mayor today.

All right. Here's a rule.

Any time a country does not have a restaurant in this city,

they don't get to shout at the mayor. Cancel that.

I'm gonna need some help with this.

I'm sorry, Mike. I have a big choice to make.

I either have to step up

and tell Carolyn who I really am,

or for the sake of sex,

live a lie for the rest of my life.

Ready, buttercup?

Who are you holding for?

Uh, Governor. Uh, gee, Governor,

I put you through to the mayor's office five times.

I have no idea what...

(DIAL TONE) Ooh. Lost him again.

Mike. (CHUCKLES)

Are you busy?

Oh, no, hey, Claudia,

I've got, uh... five seconds.

I didn't know who to talk to,

so I figured I'd turn to Paul's best friend.

And you're here, so...that must be me.

Do you think Paul's getting cold feet?

I mean...

He invited me to move in with him...

Cold feet. Sounds like commitment to me.

Have fun at the wedding.

What am I talking about? I'll probably end up being best man.

You're probably right.

There's just one little bitty thing

that keeps nagging at me.

Mmm-hmm.

Could be a problem, you know, down the road.

He's gone.

He's run away. He's abandoned me. (CHUCKLES)

Let me tell you something, Claudia.

In all the time I have known Paul,

you are the best thing that ever happened to him.

Really?

You're the only thing.

But you're definitely the best,

and he knows that, which is why, when I find him,

I'm gonna sit him down and talk some sense into him.

Well, I, I know where he's staying in Miami, if that helps.

Say that again?

He's in Miami. Here's his number.

Mike...

You don't think he's found anybody new down there?

You know... Some beach bunny.

No, he's probably just looking for

someplace to get SPF-4000.

(LAUGHS)

You're right.

My word, Paul.

This stuff actually... removes your tan.

Why don't you just wear a suit of armor?

That's very funny, sir.

Could you get the back of my neck?

I'd rather not.

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES)

Well, the Paul Lassiter girl repellent

seems to have coated the pool area.

Why don't we head down to Ocean Drive tonight,

see if we can scare up a little trouble?

Well, to be honest with you, sir, I'm a little tired.

I think I need a nap. Must be jet lag.

We didn't change time zones, Paul.

You know what it must be?

They put me at the end of the emergency exit.

I didn't sleep a wink.

It's quite a responsibility, sir.

You're gonna call Claudia, aren't you?

I would never do that, sir.

Remember our pact.

Wild and free, you and me.

Together for eternity!

That's my boy.

Paul.

Sorry, sir.

Okay, Mr. Flaherty. That's one round-trip ticket to Miami.

You know what? I've had a rough day. Got anything in first class?

No. We have coach. Middle seat.

Is this a... smoking section?

We no longer have smoking sections.

What about a drinking section? You got that?

So, Mr. Flaherty, is this trip business or, or pleasure?

A little of both, actually.

I'm thinking of killing my boss.

Have a nice day.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)