Original subtitles

Another area of concern is the relative scarcity

of city contracts that are awarded

to female-owned businesses.

Mike, this is eerie.

She looks exactly like the first love of my life,

Miss Lowell.

The first love of your life,

and you called her "miss?"

Well, she was my high school French teacher,

the first woman I ever slept with.

Whoa, Mr. Mayor.

We're gonna have to update your bio.

In the same spirit,

I challenge the administration to look inward.

Hello, Randall.

You're looking good as ever.

Thank you, Miss Lowell.

Merci.

Merci, Mademoiselle Lowell.

So, Randy, have you been keeping up

on your conjugations,

or do I need to keep you after class

for a few drills?

(ALL APPLAUDING)

WOMAN AT PODIUM: Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Sir, stand up, sir.

I don't think that would be prudent, Mike.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Sir, people are starting to stare at you.

What's the matter, your foot asleep?

No, no.

But there's another part of me

that's very, very awake.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN WOLF WHISTLES)

So what are the ramifications

of the Mayor's little sitting ovation?

I expect it'll be a top story in the news tonight.

There were photographers there,

so the newspapers will pick it up.

Basically by 6:00 tonight,

anyone in the city with breasts is gonna hate us.

Welcome to my world.

Why couldn't the Mayor just stand up?

(GIGGLING)

What? What am I missing?

How am I gonna explain this?

Okay, Nikki, uh,

even though the Mayor wasn't actually standing...

He was at full attention.

No!

Yes. Yes.

Now the question is, how are we gonna explain this little snub

to the Women's Action Caucus.

Snub? The man paid the woman the ultimate compliment.

Yeah, if they were orangutans.

Now, come on. Somebody's gotta have an idea.

We could say he was paralyzed.

Brilliant. Of course the Mayor would have to spend

the rest of his public life in a wheelchair.

No, we could stage this miracle operation,

like when they separated those Siamese twins.

Think of the publicity!

Why don't we just say he wasn't feeling well?

Thank you.

You think you can handle that?

Press conference first thing tomorrow morning.

That would be fine.

I'm still not clear on this.

Can't you guys control those things?

Not always.

I mean, you can scold it.

Smack it around a little bit.

But that only seems to encourage it.

I am fascinated.

Sometimes all it takes is a thought,

a memory.

Sometimes all it takes is a slight breeze.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, it's that easy, huh?

Yet I have dated guys,

and they have thought and thought and thought,

and in the end they still come up with nothing.

I wouldn't know anything about that.

Never had a problem.

So where is this guy?

He'll be here any second.

I have two words for you guys.

Be-have.

This is the first time since junior high

that I have not known since day one

that the relationship was doomed.

Relax, Nikki, you make the guy sound

like an endangered species.

He is. He's single, heterosexual,

and interested in me.

Bag him, tag him, and breed him in captivity.

What's up? NIKKI: Hi!

Oh!

It's our nine-day anniversary.

Oh, that's so sweet!

All I got you was this.

Let's put these in water.

Smooth move.

Those are beautiful flowers.

Oh, yeah. I was admiring those

when they were potted in front of 2-G.

I picked up Chinese.

Okay, so maybe he stole the flowers,

but he did just buy us dinner.

And here's your credit card, Nikki.

And we have a loser.

So it's obvious that yesterday was a non-incident.

The Mayor simply didn't feel well.

We have the highest respect for Ms. Longley

and her organization, and we hope

that she has no hard feelings...

Bad feelings, no bad feelings.

The Mayor didn't feel well? What do you mean?

Was he dizzy?

Yes.

So it was like a momentary blackout?

Yeah, you could say that, okay.

And he couldn't stand up because his legs

weren't getting proper circulation?

Yeah, why not? Okay. That's right.

Warm up the bus, Mike. We are outta here.

Paul, you just described three major symptoms of a heart condition.

REPORTER: Mike!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Thank you, Dr. Lassiter.

If you had given me a few more moments,

I could have recovered.

If I'd given you any more time, you'd have pronounced the Mayor dead.

Hey, Mike, if the Mayor croaks,

are you next in line, and if so, am I after you?

You're close. It goes like this.

It goes me, the public advocate,

the guy in the mailroom that wears the helmet...

Then you.

Mike, this is not good.

No, people will vote for a sexist,

but nobody wants a mayor with a heart condition.

At least his problem has migrated north.

You guys aren't seeing the silver lining here.

The Women's Action Caucus has accepted our apology.

Our only downside is that we seem to have accidentally

given the Mayor a terminal illness.

I know how to get rid of that.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hold on one second.

Mayor's office.

Yeah, I'll accept the charges.

Hi, George.

It's a simple fix.

All we have to do is release the Mayor's medical records.

Then they'll know he's in perfect health.

No problem.

Can you believe her?

Why don't you just go over to my apartment

and watch my TV?

I'll get yours out of hock this afternoon.

(MIKE WHISTLING)

Why do women always go for losers like him?

Instead of losers like you?

Mike, we've gotta rescue Nikki from that monster.

James, it's her boyfriend, it's not Jason.

But you're right, we can't turn our back

on a friend who's being taken advantage of.

It's resolved. We get together and warn her,

and we don't quit until she's as miserable

and alone as the rest of us.

Mike, those medical records will be delivered

from the Mayor's mansion this afternoon.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing. We like George.

You guys are in here trashing George?

No, it's just that we think he's taking advantage of you.

Back me up, guys.

It's awfully presumptuous of you, Carter.

That is so unfair.

George is not some kind of deadbeat.

I will have you know, he is a writer.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He is writing a screenplay!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What? Oh, he's a writer!

That's like an actor who's too lazy to work in a restaurant!

Nikki, he's looking for a free ride.

I know guys like him.

I am guys like him.

You are way off base here.

George is too proud to be a kept man.

Hey, great blouse.

And, ah...

Some bad news.

Some stuff went down with my apartment.

So I figured I'd crash here for a while.

If that's cool with you.

Mike, did you get my medical records okay?

Yeah.

Uh, sir?

You... You told me

that you had a clean bill of health?

Look at me. I'm healthy as a horse.

Want to feel this?

Desperately, sir.

Maybe later. Uh...

No, what I'm concerned about is your stay at the, uh...

Shady Brook Facility?

The golf resort?

The mental hospital.

Oh, that!

Yeah, you...

You think that'll be a little glitch, huh?

Just might.

Well, Mike, I was only there for one night,

and I have a very valid explanation.

Thank God.

It was back in the '60s and I was at this party,

and this idiot spiked the Kool-Aid.

And before I knew it,

I was three quarters the way up a pine tree, naked as a jay bird,

trying to get away from all the giant bugs.

There.

Well, there you have it.

Okay, so I just explain to the press

that you were in a mental hospital

because you were taking acid.

You know, coincidentally, Mike,

that was the same night I decided to become mayor.

You don't say?

Okay, everybody grab a book.

The first person to find a harmless disease

that perfectly matches all the symptoms

Paul bestowed upon the Mayor

is the big winner.

If only there were someone we could call,

someone trained to diagnose diseases.

Let's see, a butcher?

No, he would be meat.

A mechanic? No.

Call a doctor!

No doctors, not yet.

Mike, the odds of us finding a matching disease...

Got it!

"Rolio Pidgea."

It has all our symptoms, Mike,

lethargy, dizziness, stiffness in joints.

Oh, yeah, this is excellent, James.

Now if you could just find a condition

that doesn't include massive inflammation of the buttocks

we'll be in business.

What's the plan, Mike?

How do you feel about sleep deprivation, sir?

Yours or mine? Yours.

Not a big fan. Why?

Well, it turns out the symptoms Paul described

could have been brought about by sleep deprivation.

Oh. So we thought we'd keep you awake for awhile,

then bring a doctor in and have him explain

to the press that you just need a nap.

Because I've been working so hard for the people of this city?

It would mean staying here tonight, sir,

so we could keep an eye on you.

Oh, so I wouldn't be able to go home to Helen?

It's a get-out-of- marriage-free card, sir.

See you around 7:00.

Hey, dudes.

Afternoon...

Dude.

I miss you already.

Post-Its!

You can take 'em home. Oh, cool.

Bathroom? Down the hall.

Cooler.

It's like he conserves energy by saying as few words as possible.

He's a little shy.

I don't know. He reached out with a "Hey, dude"

before he started stealing our office supplies.

He borrowed some Post-It notes.

That was quick.

Oh, I didn't need to go.

I just wanted to pick up some TP for la casa.

Mike, I didn't know we were allowed

to take toilet paper home.

You're not.

This is for you.

I gotta get back to work.

ALL: Work, work.

Yeah, keep your nose to the grindstone.

Pace yourself.

Oh, look, he wrote me a poem.

I think of you and my legs are shaking,

on the way home from work,

please pick up some eggs and bacon.

Please tell me his script is better than that.

I don't know, actually,

because he writes it during the day.

You know? And he doesn't

want me to read it until it's done.

Aren't you even just a little bit curious?

Like, I don't know,

say some night, when he's out on the...

Fire escape

smoking a cigarette butt he found on his way home

from 50 cent beer night.

No, I trust him.

Don't you want to know

if he has any potential whatsoever?

I am not a snoop.

Hey, these guys are snoops.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, absolutely. Not a problem.

Not a problem. I don't have a problem with it.

I refuse to have you guys break into my apartment

some night like tonight, like around 9:00

when you know I'm not gonna be there,

just so you can see if George's screenplay really exists.

Keys are in the top drawer.

Mmm-hmm.

It's under the address book.

So the staff is gonna be sitting up with you

in four-hour shifts, sir.

I don't want you to get too excited,

but Paul is gonna be teaching you origami.

Gin.

What time is it? I'm exhausted.

It's, uh, 7:30, sir.

Hey!

I think I found it.

Ha.

"Donovan's Last Battle."

Ooh.

"Interior, a modest living unit

"on the Clark-7 spaceport."

Get the... (CHUCKLES)

"A door opens.

"Donovan Fazer enters, for this is his living unit."

You are making that up. Wait a minute.

Oh, my...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Donovan, you promised me

"the last battle would be your last battle!"

(CHUCKLES)

(IN LOW VOICE) "Well, I guess it was only

"my second-to-last, my bad!"

Ah.

This is unbelievable.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Just poking around. I've never been here without Nikki before.

She probably didn't want you

getting into anything personal.

Oh, like what?

Ooh!

A "C."

Congratulations, Stuart,

you've just brought back the panty raid.

I'm gonna put this script back where you found it

so we can get out of here.

And go!

Four seconds!

Ah, the summer of '78.

What was that girl's name?

You got Nikki's underwear all over the place.

Wait a minute.

These are George's.

Spence had exactly the same pair.

Oh, yeah, Debbie Ellis.

Wow.

Whatcha doing?

Just sitting.

Uh, what are you doing?

Just sitting.

So, what's the problem?

No problem.

Hey, uh, you don't want to go or...

Do you?

I could sit.

Oh, that's a great book, sir.

I love that author.

He writes mysteries.

Now you wouldn't know that because you're sleeping.

You sleep with your eyes open, don't you, sir?

Sir, you're scaring me.

Mike, the Mayor's asleep. (GASPS)

Mr. Mayor!

Sorry, I'm up. I'm up.

All right, I thought I made this clear.

I just don't feel comfortable disturbing the Mayor, Mike.

Whatever you do,

don't wake me up.

Do wake the Mayor up.

Don't. Don't.

Do.

Don't, do. Don't, do?

Don't... Don't, do.

I'm on that.

Okay, Mr. Mayor, we should probably get started

on a little dialogue here. I think...

Oh, no.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Dr. Barrow.

I'm Mike Flaherty, Deputy Mayor.

I thought Dr. Purtz was coming by.

He's at a high school graduation.

Son-of-a-gun. He told me he already graduated high school.

So, what's the prognosis?

Well, I thought I'd examine him first.

Well, hey, you're the doctor.

His pupils are a little dilated.

You know what? That sounds like sleep deprivation to me.

Why don't you just write that on your chart

and we'll just be on our way?

I'll handle this, Bobo.

So that'll be our little pet name for me?

Look, I'm going to give him a full check-up.

All right. Well, I'm sorry. Just trying to help.

I'll just be on my way.

Now then, could you strip down

to your briefs, please?

Well, we just met, but I'm game.

Hope you're all happy.

Oh.

That's the sound of a single woman.

Congratulations? Go away.

STUART: Aw.

At least tell us how you got rid of him,

screaming fight, changed the locks?

Or my personal favorite, the Gorilla Gram?

No. I just told him it wasn't working out.

I gave him cab fare.

We had sex one more time. He was gone.

You know, anytime you want to break up with me,

you don't even have to give me cab fare.

So, for all of you who let your imaginations run wild,

and you know who you are,

the answer is simple.

The Mayor was suffering from nothing more

than simple sleep deprivation.

Needless to say, he's resting comfortably now.

So I hope you've all learned a lesson here.

Playing doctor should be left to qualified professionals.

And of course, curious youngsters.

Now Dr. Maria Barrow is gonna make a statement.

Doctor?

Good morning.

After having examined the Mayor,

I've determined that he is in extraordinarily good health.

His condition was a result of stress

and excessively long hours.

This could happen to anyone regardless of age

who works as hard as he does.

Thank you, Dr. Barrow.

You know, Mike...

You really should come up to my office sometime for a check-up.

I promise I'll be very,

very gentle.

You want to wrap it up, Mike?

Oh!

Uh...

So, so that's it.

And, uh... Thanks... thanks for stopping by.

(ALL SHOUTING) Mr. Flaherty!

Mike, they don't know

it's over until you leave.

Well...

They're gonna...

They're gonna have to take my word for it, Paul.

That's it, people.

Trust me, Mike, you have to walk out.

Paul, let it go.

All right, that's it.

Nothing to see here.

Just a man and his podium.

Thank you, Dr. Barrow.

Did you all see this Variety?

Let's see.

Ooh. 20-something writer, George Rudell...

Isn't that...

Yes, it is. Go on.

Blah-blah... Bidding war...

Blah, blah... Jean Claude Van Damme...

Blah, blah... Seven figure advance.

Whoa, seven figures?

Yeah, I'll save you all

from having to count that on your little fingers.

That's one million dollars.

You all owe me a rich husband,

and he'd better have a rock-hard ass.

Well, I'd marry her,

but I'm a little short on cash.