Original subtitles

Just the man I was looking for.

You went to catholic school, right?

St. Mary's. 12 horrible years.

I still have limited use of my knuckles.

Remember a Sister Margaret?

Oh, she was the ringleader.

Scary, awful, monster of a woman.

Well, she speaks highly of you too, Paul.

She's coming by here later this afternoon.

She's having problems with the neighborhood around her school.

So I told her you would sit down and talk to her about them.

Never. Not in a million years.

Correct answer was, "Yes, I'd love to,

"and good morning, sister."

Good morning, sister?

Hello, Paul.

(WHIMPERS)

Morning. What could I do for you, Sister Margaret?

Well, you could start by telling me

why I never see you at church anymore.

I... I joined a different parish.

And who's your priest?

Father O'... Connor?

O'Leary?

O'Cohen?

Oh, my.

You're lying.

Oh, God.

Now you've taken the Lord's name in vain.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, God! I did it again.

Oh, God... Oh! I can't stop.

Oh, ga-ga-ga-God...

Sister, I'll take care of this for you.

Ow...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay. Hopefully, it's not too transparent

an attempt to attract voters.

We got the go-ahead on that free concert

at Madison Square Garden.

The rumors are true. That Maxwell, Travis, and Johns

are going to reunite for one night only.

Didn't they play at Woodstock?

So what? They've gotta be, like, 90-years-old.

Why don't we just reunite The Andrews Sisters?

Hey, back off, man! M.T.J. rocks.

When I was 15, my mom drove me

to the concert in Madison.

You went to the concert, the band rocked,

you bought a $65 T-shirt,

and you screamed like an idiot

when the band said, "Hello, Wisconsin!"

Were you there?

Okay, then. Meeting is adjourned.

I say, meeting is adjourned.

What?

We wanna know if you're going to break up with Carrie.

When did it become office policy

to review my personal life at the morning meeting?

You started it, Mike. When you became single,

all you wanted to do was talk and talk and talk.

It was kind of like a soap opera.

First, it was really, really irritating...

but you listen to enough of it

and all of a sudden, boom! You're hooked.

So, today on

"Deputy mayor in heat..."

All right.

I like Carrie a lot,

but she walks that fine line

between incredibly intense

and borderline loopy.

So I'm afraid tonight I'm gonna have to break up with her.

Hold on a second. Paul couldn't be here.

He asked me to tape it.

Okay. One last item.

I'm having a secret meeting

tomorrow morning

without Paul.

I'd like you all to show up

around 5:00 a.m.

4:30 is better for me, Mike.

That's you and me at the duck pond.

Don't we look happy?

Oh, yeah. Very, uh...

Very happy, happy.

Happy us.

What's going on with you, Mike?

You're all nervous.

Oh, no.

Boo! Oh! Gosh.

See? Come on, lighten up.

I can hear your heart beating.

I think it had stopped.

(GIGGLING)

Okay. What did you want to say?

Okay. All right. Here it goes.

Carrie, I just, I feel very strong...

Can we move that?

'Cause the glare is really killing me.

There, there. All better.

Okay. You were saying?

Here it goes.

I think that... Okay, now it's just staring at me.

Okay. Fine.

You're having trouble with conversation starters.

I've got one!

I'm ready to have children

and I think you'd make a great father.

Questions? Comments?

I've only known you for three weeks.

I mean, I...

Normally, I don't discuss fatherhood

or kids until...

Never.

I am too old to go down a very long road with someone

unless I am sure they're going to the same place.

What if we're not?

Well, then I guess

I'd have to break up with you.

Get outta town.

Are you... Are you serious?

I am totally serious.

Wow.

Well, then I...

I guess...

I guess it's over.

I can't believe you did this to me.

Oh, Mike. Maybe we should think about it.

No, no, no, no... No, no.

No, no, no. That wouldn't be fair to you,

dragging it out like that.

No, no, no. No, you've got a schedule.

This just happened so fast.

I know. I just never saw it comin'.

Well, I gotta go.

Wait! Mike...

Just because we're not gonna spend

the rest of our lives together

doesn't mean we can't have

one more night together.

Wait.

You just broke up with me

and now you want to...

What are you, a guy?

Wait a minute.

You dumped her and slept with her

in the same night?

I mean, you're like James Bond.

Congratulations, Mike.

Yeah, we're so proud of you.

I was in a very vulnerable place last night, okay?

I'm ashamed of myself.

You just pulled down your own rebound, Mike.

Very few guys in our league

can score on a play like that.

I got a question for you.

Did you guys have sex before or after you broke up?

After.

I've got news for you, honey.

You didn't break up.

What's she talking about?

Any sex within 24 hours after the break-up

is technically make-up sex.

Technically, you made up.

No...

(ALL CLAMORING IN AGREEMENT)

Aw, I'm so glad that I was informed.

I wish somebody would just write down

all these rules for me.

I'll give you one.

Next time you want to end a relationship,

try letting the woman shake your hand.

Hey, Paulie. What's up?

You look like hell.

There was no secret meeting, was there, Mike?

Afraid not, Paulie.

Sorry about that.

(WHISPERING) It's tomorrow.

Sorry to keep you dudes waiting.

No problem, Mr. Mayor.

This is wonderful tea.

Well, thank you.

That's a rock 'n roll thing, right?

That's good for the voice?

It keeps me regular.

Okay. Rock on.

I hope you guys don't mind me asking,

but why did you fellas break up in the first place?

(CLEARS THROAT) That may be thin ice, sir.

What? That's all right.

We just lost sight of why we played music.

You know, it became all about money.

So, you boys got those contracts?

Yeah.

Just put your Herbie Hancocks right there.

Herbie Hancocks. That's a little rock 'n roll humor.

Yeah. It's a good one.

You see, I thought you broke up

because you, Kevin, write all the music

and the lyrics,

but Johnny here seems to get all the attention.

Yeah, Johnny always did have a knack

for sticking his face out front.

I don't deserve a little recognition?

I tell you what...

Let's play "first one to sign the contract

"gets a free picture of the Mayor on his vacation."

Oh, look, Johnny.

It's the same island

you and your bimbo girlfriend stayed on

while I was holed up in the studio

writing our last album.

I should have renamed that one

"Bite me, you ungrateful, self-centered jerk."

Well, hey, now, we both know

that wouldn't sell a million copies.

I'm outta here.

Way to go with the picture, Mike.

Would you care for a cup of coffee, sister?

I take my strength from the Lord, Paul,

not from some popular narcotic.

(MOUTHING)

Now...

Tomorrow I'm coming with the entire parish

to talk about our security issues.

I want a plan for keeping those hooligans

off the property.

You could put a big picture

of yourself out front.

That might do the trick.

(BUZZER BUZZES) (JANELLE OVER SPEAKER) Carrie's here.

Oh! Just a minute, Janelle.

(DOOR OPENS)

Mike?

You look terrible.

There are going to be good days,

and there are going to be bad.

Why did you want to see me?

I guess I just... I had to know for sure

that it was really over.

I'm sorry, Mike. It is.

Well, that's okay. I just had to know...

for sure.

Shake?

You know, it's been tough on me, too.

I mean, I sat there last night.

I laid in bed all night

hearing nothing but the sound of that clock

next to my bed, counting away my life.

Tick, tick, tick.

And then I realized what I need to do.

Get a digital clock?

I can't wait any longer,

so I'm just gonna go ahead and have a baby on my own.

That's great.

Me? I'm gonna go out and have

a couple of beers with the guys, but...

We all handle grief in our own ways.

See? Your sense of humor. That's such a wonderful trait.

Ahh, that's why I'm so happy I'm having your baby.

Are you telling me that you're pregnant?

Nope. But I will be, thanks to you.

Wait, am I missing a step here,

because if you're talking about last night,

I took precautions...

We took precautions.

Let's just say I'm the kind of girl

that never throws anything away.

I put it in the freezer.

You froze my guys?

I'm just here to get your blessing.

What am I, the Pope?

Don't yell at me.

Those are my guys! I want them back!

All right, look. If you're gonna be all weird about this,

I'm just gonna leave.

You can't do this!

Give me back my sperm!

How you guys doin'?

Crucified in the press.

My approval ratings have dropped overnight.

Get that band back together again, Flaherty.

My first priority, sir.

Okay. Mike's fertility clinic open for business.

Nikki. Medical. Go.

This particular insemination method

can actually work,

although obviously it isn't popular

amongst most women.

For one, they don't get dinner and cab fare home.

All right. Legal.

Basically, the rulings are confusing

and arbitrary,

referring to lots of cases in books

I couldn't find.

Keep in mind I'm not a lawyer.

Mike, that's Carrie on line 2.

Uh, Carrie. Hi.

Uh, yeah.

Listen, um, um...

What? What? Put her... put her...

Put her on hold! Trust me.

Put her on... Put her on hold.

Carrie, I'm just gonna put you on hold.

Mike, I was this close from getting into the CIA.

Trust me, we gotta treat this

like a hostage situation.

Lassiter here.

Yes, I am fully apprised of the situation.

Now, before we can even begin to talk,

as a show of good faith,

you have to release one,

maybe two million of the hostages.

Look, Kevin, I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this,

but I got some photographs of you and Elton John.

I think you might want them back.

I used those as Christmas cards in '84.

All right. That was my best shot.

Look, you gotta understand.

I got a lot going on right now.

I...

I had sex with this woman, Kevin,

and she wants to get pregnant.

She kidnapped my guys,

and she put them in the freezer.

That old story.

Uh, James.

Kevin Travis, this is James Hobert.

He's the Mayor's speech writer.

Hi.

I'm your... Uh...

Yours... all your albums...

Anyway, if you're going to say no,

I dare ya. Say no to him.

♪♪ Baby, baby

♪♪ I love ya, baby♪♪

That song changed my life.

Mine, too.

Went double platinum. I bought an island.

(LAUGHS)

I'm your biggest fan.

I bought the vest you wore on your first tour for $1,000.

Never worn a vest in my life.

Oh, God.

I see that you're supposed to be meeting

with the lesbian activists tonight.

And I've got Sister Margaret,

so I was wondering,

what do you say we trade, okay?

My nuns for your lesbians.

They're not baseball cards, Paul.

And besides, what do you know about lesbians?

What do lesbians know about me?

This could be a fabulous opportunity.

To remind them why they're lesbians?

All right. Carrie's on her way.

I gotta get going. You all know your assignments.

Carter, Stuart, you're gonna come with me.

While I break into her apartment,

you hold the cab, you hold the elevator.

Nikki, you are plan "B."

I want you to distract Carrie with these.

Sperm bank pamphlets?

Yeah. It's a list of donors.

It's probably a fool's errand,

but see if you can find somebody

who's got something I don't.

Mike, I didn't get an assignment.

Yours is the most important job of all.

You stay here and look busy, okay?

I gotta get going.

' Cause by my precise calculations,

she should be here in five minutes.

Hi, Dad.

Damn this watch.

Hi. Carrie, please, right this way.

Carter, Stuart,

I have to take this meeting,

so I can't take the other meeting I was going to take.

If you could take that meeting for me?

Wait a minute. What meeting?

I thought you guys were going to break into the apartment.

Now you understand why your role in the mission

is to stay here and look busy.

Carter, Carter, before you go,

I'm begging you, switch with me.

Please. I'll do anything.

STUART: I can't believe you'd rather commit a felony

than talk to some nuns.

PAUL: Just stand there while I get my bearings.

I have a very keen night vision.

In a few moments, it's going to seem

like broad daylight in here.

Does this help?

Ow. Ow.

Ouch. No, my pupils were fully dilated.

I still can't get over that outfit.

You can stand there and laugh,

but when we're fleeing from the police,

which one of us you think they're gonna notice first?

I'm gonna guess the guy that looks like

Catwoman on steroids.

Come on. Let's get going.

And watch out for your fingerprints.

Paul, we don't have to touch anything.

Just unplug the refrigerator.

By the time she figures out what happened,

it'll be too late.

I think I got it.

Oh. That's not it.

Just grab the stuff and let's go.

You grab the stuff. I paid for the cab.

I picked the lock.

I broke the toaster.

(POLICE SIREN WAILS) Oh, my God. We're gonna get caught.

Oh, God. I'll never see the light of day again.

Get the package.

What package?

Aaah! I'm panicking!

Every man for himself! (SIREN WAILS)

How'd it go, guys?

Go ahead. Tell him, Paul.

Tell him how you saved the day.

Is this it?

Welcome home, fellas.

Mike, that's frozen yogurt.

Mike, you gotta understand.

Mike, the bad news is

you're going to be a father.

The good news is we saved you a teaspoon

of this fat-free frozen dessert treat.

Mike, please.

Understand there were sirens

and they kept getting closer and closer...

And then what happened, Paul?

They kept getting farther and farther away.

All of you failed at your assignments.

No, no, no, Mike.

Not me. I'm busy. Busy-busy.

Okay. Now I know

that you really want to have a baby with someone,

and I know that you're afraid

that you're not going to find that person.

I am afraid, too,

but believe me when I tell you

one day you will,

and you're going to be so, so happy that you waited.

Blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay. You're nuts.

You padlocked the freezer.

Fine. I'm taking the whole thing with me.

Could you hold the door for me?

Well, we did it.

How'd we do it?

Sir, he's got a daughter applying to colleges,

and once he found out my father was president of Yale,

things just really fell into place.

I thought your father was a pharmacist.

Sir, with all due respect, do you wanna rock, or what?

Hey, Mike, how'd it go?

Just call me Pops.

Can't you feel the excitement, Mike?

Oh, yeah, sir.

A couple of hippies stumble out of retirement

and pad their investment portfolios.

Whoopee, sir.

This is more than some old hippies, Mike.

This is Clark, Prado, and Conrad!

No. Those are your attorneys, sir.

(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)

New York City knows how to rock 'n roll!

And as a thank-you to our fans,

get ready for the biggest rock band in history

to give you the biggest light show in the history of Rock Them.

Let's rock!

(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING )

Mike, you're not supposed to hold the lighter up

until the end of the show, I think.

That is the end of the show, sir.

Power's out all over the city.

Everywhere? It's a tragedy.

I mean, the city can't exist

without its subways and its traffic lights, its...

Refrigerators.

We've got bigger problems than melting ice cream, Mike.

I don't, sir.

PAUL: Ladies, the power's going to be off for a while,

so we should get started. Let me just say

first off that this administration is very proud

of its open attitude towards alternative lifestyles.

Who you choose to share your bed with

or who you choose to shower with

or whatever, is entirely your choice.

Consensual sex is entirely that.

Consensual. So, enjoy.

Ugh.

I'm sorry.

It's the wrong room.