Original subtitles

Great work today, okay?

I just, uh, called you in here to let you know

it looks like our, uh, our parking proposal isn't gonna fly.

Oh, on a side note, Stuart, your car's being towed.

Don't bother, it's too late.

All right, look, I know everybody put in a lot of hours on this project,

but let's not take it personally, okay?

City Council is not out to get us.

Why is everybody smiling at me?

Mike, it's just that it's nice to see you leaving so early these days.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's 6:00, right?

That is when our day usually ends.

Uh, no, it's not. That's when you told us it ends when you hired us.

(CLEARS THROAT)

It's actually more like 9:00 or 10:00.

By the way, Mike, things still going well with Gayley?

Gayley. (ALL CHUCKLE)

Okay, all right. All right, now I get it.

I see. So now that I'm finally dating someone,

I'm... I 'm rushing out of here every night.

Let me set the record straight, okay?

My professional life comes first.

If my job required me to be here

at 4:00 in the morning, I would be here.

Uh, Mike!

Oh, gee! Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, gosh, darn it.

Stuart, why did you have to see me at 6:00 exactly?

No reason.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Who cares about total reform?

I'm focusing on criminal law.

I mean, the only reason why I took this class was because the professor was...

Mike, you're doing it again.

Doing what? what? You're staring at my food.

No, I'm not.

I'm staring at your breasts.

Don't try to get out of it.

Every time we go out, you rush through your meal

and then you stare until I let you finish mine.

You know, when you say things like that,

I begin to think maybe you don't understand me.

Are you gonna eat those potatoes or...

Eat up, babe, 'cause you're paying. Excuse me?

I won my mock trial today.

Well, congratulations.

But I believe our deal was I would buy dinner

when you won your first trial, not your first mock trial.

For that, we'd go out to a mock dinner.

And, uh, maybe a little mock dancing.

Do you know how to mock dance?

I'm doing it right now.

You are so beautiful when you do that.

I just want to tell you that, uh...

these last few weeks have been really amazing.

You know, I know we've been going kind of slow,

but it's been a long time since I've met anyone like you

and I just didn't want to screw things up by...

going too fast, you know?

You want to get out of here?

I'll get your coat.

Sorry, I'm late. I had to change my shirt and tie.

Wow, you look great!

Oh, Paul.

He gets that off of "you look great"?

Well, he's not just saying that.

You see, Paul never lies.

Don't have it in me.

Really? What do you think of Nikki's sweater?

Well, for starters, it's the wrong color on her.

And uh, it makes her look boxy.

Well, good night all.

You know, the skirt's all wrong, too.

See, I told you. Every one of Marvin Gaye's CDs.

It was not just a pick-up line.

That's too bad, because it was very smooth.

So, how about that drink you promised me?

Actually, uh, that...

That was a pick-up line.

I... I'm sorry, I don't have anything.

How about a glass of water?

A water? Yeah, okay.

Uh... brown, no ice?

Just the way I like it.

Why don't you just put on some music?

Do you like Marvin Gaye?

He's okay.

GAYLEY: So, Mike...

I finally get to see your apartment.

I have to be honest with you,

I was beginning to think you still lived with your parents

or you were a serial killer.

Well, I, uh... I definitely don't live with my parents.

Drink?

Still going out with the psychiatrist tonight?

Not a chance. That guy put the "psycho" in psychoanalyst.

The night would have been a total loss except he did

tell me a sure-fire way to mentally dominate people.

My grandpa always did that by using the evil eye.

Bring me my soup.

Change the channel on my television.

Well, I can certainly see how he hooked Grandma.

You guys, I am serious.

He said this is a great tool to use in business.

He said the first step is you just ignore the person.

Oh, come on, human beings just aren't that simple.

Mmm, yep, they are.

Yes, they are what?

What's her problem?

I don't know.

Why should she be angry with me? What did I do? Hey, Nikki!

Nikki!

MIKE: I just wanted to give you the grand tour.

This... This is actually just the, uh, foyer.

You see that door over there that looks like a closet?

That's the east wing.

You got your dining room, parlor, bowling alley.

And over there?

Uh, that's the... That's the bedroom.

Uh, rug, dresser, alarm clock.

Bed.

Bed.

Hence, bedroom.

Geez, you'd think I'd never brought a woman up here before.

Now wait, not that I...

you know, bring a lot of women up here.

I mean, you know, just enough so that I don't look pitiful.

But... But not so many that I look sleazy.

And how many is that?

Uh, let me see. Uh...

(MUTTERS)

None.

It's been a while since I dated anyone...

seriously.

But I'm feeling much better about it now.

Uh, listen, since you did pay for the grand tour,

if I didn't show you the bedroom,

they'd probably take away my National Parks license.

You, uh...

sure you want to go in there? (CHUCKLES)

You sound like there's somebody waiting on the other side

holding a pie.

No.

Not this time.

Um...

You think you remember how this works?

Uh, I figure it's like riding a bike.

I mean, I may fall off a few times,

but after a few minutes I'll be standing on the handle bars.

Well, it's just so nice to finally meet one of Mike's

young lady friends.

Just so lovely.

Mom, Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Well, we approve.

Special, special, special.

Well, I... I have to get going to class.

It was nice meeting all of you.

You be careful. You kids be safe.

She's pretty cool, don't you think?

I'm sure I've met her somewhere before.

Do you think she seems familiar 'cause she's a woman

and she doesn't want anything to do with you?

Let's not forget, guys, tonight is Councilman Farr's bachelor party.

He's been a good friend to the administration, so attendance is mandatory.

Uh, bachelor party, Mike? I've got a note from my mother.

It says I'm gay, and I shouldn't be forced to participate

in any heterosexual debauchery.

You know, unless you actually have that note...

you're going tonight.

Well, I think bachelor parties are pathetic excuses

for men to act like little boys,

because even though they're about to get married, hello,

they're still afraid of commitment. I refuse to be a part of it.

Well, that's great, 'cause you're not invited.

Why not?

James, what's your excuse?

You mean I can go? Yes!

Come in.

Hey there, funny face.

Can I treat you to dinner?

(MOUTHS)

Uh, dinner, no. I can't have dinner tonight because, uh...

I'm not hungry. I had a big lunch.

You said all you had for lunch was a bagel.

Bagels, bagels! with an "s," bagels.

Well, how many bagels did you have?

Eleven.

Oh, my goodness! were you in some kind of contest?

No, no. I was just... Just hungry.

Oh, okay. Well, no dinner.

Do you wanna just go to the movies?

You see, I can't, because I'm going out with the guys tonight.

We're going to a hockey game.

Oh. who's playing?

It's so tough to tell because they're all... They're wearing masks.

It's okay if you want to spend a night out with the guys.

I... I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm a little on edge.

I must be hungry... Uh, thirsty.

I must be thirsty. I must be thirsty.

Okay. So you'll call me in the morning?

You betcha. Okay. Love you.

I love you. Okay, bye-bye.

Eh, piece of cake.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I wish Nikki were here.

Oh, yeah, that would make us seem less pathetic,

if we had a woman with us.

No. I wish Nikki were here!

(MAKES A WOLF CALL)

That's it. That's enough. He's, uh... He's all through now.

Thank you. Thank you.

Terrific girl. Wonderful dancer.

She really kept up with me.

Listen, Paul, management sent me over.

They, uh... They don't encourage dancing along with the performers.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Just sit here and watch?

Welcome to the concept of a strip club.

How are you gentlemen doing?

Ha-ha!

Yep, this is fascinating.

It's as if the evolutionary process had a rewind button.

Listen, I figure we got about 15 more minutes to press to the flesh here.

Stewy, that's just a figure of speech.

Find Councilman Farr, buy him a drink, and let's get out of here.

All right.

ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, anything you say or do

will not be used against you.

So, put your hands together for Ms. Miranda Rice.

STUART: Whoo!

(CROWD CHEERING)

See, I told you I knew her.

Mike, apparently, someone tipped off The Post.

There was a photographer at the club last night.

Great. I'll look at the pictures later, Janelle.

Right now, let's just plaster on a couple of fake smiles

and keep moving.

You okay?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm just hoping this doesn't blow up

into some kind of monster.

Hey, Flaherty, you got five bucks?

MIKE: Sure, you want to borrow it?

No, I wanna earn it!

Boom diddy boom diddy boom boom boom.

Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo tchoo-tchoo.

Chh chh chh chh! Ffff!

Save it for the GIs, Roberta.

God help me.

Mike, you're gonna have to talk to her eventually.

I tried talking to her last night at the club.

But it was 20 bucks a song,

the music was blasting...

So basically it cost me 100 bucks,

and all I could make out was "toot toot... ahh... beep beep."

Twenty bucks a song. That's pretty good money.

Can men do this?

Ah, men, yes. You, no.

This is a tough one, Mike. What are you gonna do?

What's he gonna do? He's dating a stripper.

He's gonna get down on his hands and knees

and worship the ground she gyrates on.

I can't believe she lied to me.

We're not talking about "I had to wash my hair."

We're talking about

"I had to wash my hair in front of 150 paying customers."

I think it's over. I... I don't think I can see her anymore.

Too expensive?

All right, Stuart. now you're in that very scary place

I like to call the "be careful" zone.

Maybe you should give it more thought, Mike.

Just can't believe she's gonna be out of my life.

(LOUD SCRIBBLING)

"You can always visit her at work."

(INAUDIBLE)

Gotta be honest. I'm a little disappointed, Mike.

Well, sir, we obviously had no idea

the press were gonna show up.

What? No, no, no, I'm disappointed you made me leave.

Looks like you guys were having a hell of a time here.

So, why don't we call a press conference for this afternoon.

I'll face the music. I'll answer, you know, a few questions.

I'll do whatever I have to make sure this stays a one-day story.

Well, welcome to the public eye.

You two do make a handsome couple, though.

The only thing you can see in that picture is her stomach.

Well, still...

Good morning, sweetheart! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

So, how was your game last night?

Can I have a little time to think about that before I answer?

Oh, sure!

And while you're thinking, maybe you might wanna read the paper.

Mike made me go, and then Stuart made me lie to you.

And who made you ogle that woman?

Well, it would have been rude not to look at her!

She's dancing in my lap!

Paul, it's all the lying that's bothering me.

I mean, you're a grown man.

You're allowed to enjoy yourself with your sleazy, juvenile friends.

Good morning, Claudia.

Stuart.

Hey, buddy, you got a little sweat on your brow there.

All right, here's my plan.

I'm meeting her in a couple hours at Nathan's.

I'll break up with her there.

The hot dog place.

What, you couldn't get a reservation at McDonald's?

Carter, it's neutral territory.

There's no chance for a scene.

It'll give me a couple hours to get prepared.

Unless she shows up early.

Ooh, look at the time!

You're not wearing your watch.

Ooh! I'm gonna go find it.

I got your message. I thought I would come by now.

Well...

you and your surprises!

Mike, let me start by saying I'm sorry.

It's no big deal.

Besides, my mother has been bugging me all year

for a new picture.

I'm not going to apologize for what I'm doing.

I used this job to get through college,

and now I'm halfway through law school.

I work at a safe place. I'm comfortable with my body,

and for the first time in my life, I am making great money.

Hell, I made 100 bucks off you!

See, this is exactly the kind of thing

I needed a couple of hours to get prepared for.

Okay, look. I...

I guess I just never... pictured myself with a...

with the kind of woman who dances in a strip club.

I guess I never saw myself

with a guy who frequents them.

Yeah, well, I was there for my job.

So was I.

You had to know the position you were putting me in.

I know. I'm sorry.

You're right. I'm just being defensive.

It's all my fault.

I should have told you everything in the first place, but I...

didn't wanna lose you.

Mike... I'm crazy about you.

(SIGHS)

All right, go on. You're in kind of a good area there.

Have you ever been with someone

and it's so intense and so passionate

that it feels like a fireball,

and whenever you're within five feet of that person,

you feel like you have to...

I hope you were gonna say kiss them,

or I'll feel like a complete idiot.

It's conference time.

MIKE: Uh, yeah, okay.

Mike, wait. What are we saying here?

I'm saying, uh, I'll be back in a couple of minutes.

She seems to be taking it well.

Mike, Mike, do you have any comment at all

about the appropriateness of city employees

frequenting these kinds of establishments?

No, I don't.

How did Councilman Farr's fiancee feel about this?

Well, technically, she's no longer his fiancee.

Uh, I understand the both of them are in counseling,

and we wish them the best.

What about rumors that you're dating one of the strippers?

You know that in a perfect world, that's none of your damn business.

But we all know we don't live in a perfect world

and you people tend to like things in terms of black and white...

Excuse me, Mike.

James, do you mind? I'm kinda hitting a high point here.

I... I think you should read this.

Uh, sir, can you cover for me?

Sure, yeah. not a problem.

ALL: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

No, no, no! We need some order here, and we're gonna get it!

I'm responding to the questions alphabetically.

Now, anyone whose last name starts with an "A,"

hands up.

Don't get me wrong this is... This is a really cute note,

but I'm kind of working out there.

Mike, what are you doing in there?

I mean, right now it's just a couple

of embarrassing pictures from a bachelor party,

but before you start jeopardizing your career,

don't you think we should finish our conversation?

We did finish our conversation. We kissed.

That's the way I end all my conversations.

Now if you let me go I'll go back in there, I'll finish up, I'll...

kiss all the reporters and... come back out here.

You never told me how you feel about what I do.

Now?

Yeah, now.

Okay, look, I... I just always pictured myself with a woman who...

would get undressed at the end of the day.

I pretty much assumed the rest of the day she'd stay dressed.

Is this a problem that we can't get over?

Well, I guess we'll find out eventually.

That's an awful big chance to take

considering the consequences.

Yeah, well, you know what, though?

I think it's a chance that I'm... I'm...

you know, pretty sure I...

I definitely maybe want to take.

Geez, Mike, get down on one knee and say that,

and I'm yours forever.

You're right, you're right. You know what? I'm ready.

I am ready.

I'm sure a part of you is ready.

But I think that there is another part of you

that would find it a lot easier if I just walked away.

Yeah, but the part of me that's ready

is like really, really ready.

And the part of you that's not?

We don't listen to him.

He's Mr. Negativity.

I don't know. this...

This is hard.

What... What do you think we should do?

As I understand it,

the boys were unaware that this particular establishment

featured adult entertainment.

Okay, uh... "G."

Didn't the big neon sign tip them off?

Unfortunately, one of the letters had burned out.

And what exactly did they expect to find

in a 100% nud bar?

Pure nud.

ALL: Mike. Mike.

Mike, just clear up one thing.

Are you or are you not currently dating one of the dancers?

If your question is am I dating a beautiful,

attractive law student who happens to have a...

part-time job in the legal and lucrative world of exotic dancing...

Uh... Uh... no.

No, I'm not.

Okay, what letter are we on?

H. H, H.

Okay, let's get moving or we'll be here all night.

Yeah, Halford.

I don't know. He hardly seems dominated.

Huh. Prepare for phase 2,

the whisper and deny.

What? Come here.

(WHISPERING)

What? what? What are you talking about?

Nothing, Stuart.

What did she just... What did she just say to you?

You're a feeble-minded fool.

Granted. Now, what did she say?