Original subtitles

Hey, Carter. Listen to this.

I'm downstairs, I'm getting my morning bagel,

and Jill from accounting insists on paying for it.

Oh, I think it's obvious. She likes you, Mike,

and until you repay the favor, you're in her debt.

Janelle, fax her a cheese Danish.

Should I fax these people assorted pastries as well?

Who are all these from?

(SCOFFS) Every unattached woman in the building.

Oh, lemme see.

Oh. Wait a second.

Half these women told me they were married.

Hell,

this one's roommate told me she was dead.

JAMES: Mike, you have, like,

30 lunch invites here.

Maria from the Hispanic commission

wants you to try that new Cuban place with her.

Yoko from the Japanese consulate wants to get sushi.

Lori from the parks department

wants to take you out for wild game.

Well, as long as Julie from waste disposal didn't call.

What the hell is going on?

Mike, the word of your breakup is out.

You're officially in play. (SCOFFS)

I'm not in play. I'm on the injured reserve list,

six to eight weeks with a broken heart.

Women decide whether you're in play or not.

You have nothing to say about it.

I can say I'm not in play.

(CHUCKLES) Saying it makes you even more in play.

You're right. That could hurt me.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

Don't scream. It's just me.

Save your pickup lines.

Morning, Nikki. Is she decent?

Uh, she's okay.

What are you guys doing here?

Wow. Look at this place.

The opulence... It's like a spa.

I could send my mother here for the winter.

We need to talk about our problem with Mike,

and it seemed like the only place he wouldn't find us.

He's been working us past midnight

every night this week.

There's no crisis going on.

I think it's ridiculous.

I mean, you would think...

You would think that Mike would want to go home,

but now that's Ashley's gone,

he's got the whole place to himself. He can...

He can walk around naked.

He can watch SportsCenter. He can eat in bed.

And, in your mind,

he's doing all this naked?

Guys, the most important person in Mike's life just left him, okay?

He's burying himself in his work.

What more natural way can you imagine for him

to deal with his loneliness?

No, no, no. I know how Mike feels.

It is hard to go home to an empty apartment

when you're used to having someone there.

Who'd you live with, James?

Well, you know...

My parents.

Mike, listen, I'm sorry,

but I've gotta leave early tonight.

He's trying to go over the wall. No, no, no, no.

My fan club's having its first meeting tonight,

and they want me there.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Lemme see this. Lemme see this.

Well, it's not Paul's handwriting.

The postmark looks legitimate.

It's either a stunning forgery,

or there are actually people willing to give up

their free time to pay homage to Paul.

That's disturbing,

but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Thank you.

I know. That guy is a total pig.

I feel like I should wear a sign across my breasts

that says, "I'm up here." (LAUGHS)

So, you're assuming

he can read. Right.

Nikki, you're just in time.

And, you, you're late.

Who are you?

Mike, this is Danielle Brinkman.

Oh, that's right. You're the...

You're the new assistant D.A.

DANIELLE: Michael Flaherty.

We went to Fordham together.

We were in the same ethics class.

I cut ethics.

Wait, Danielle Brinkman. You're Todd Burskey's girlfriend.

How is Todd?

We broke up eight years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm kind of over it.

Did it take the whole eight years,

'cause I'm on week one,

and I'm nauseous all the time...

Anyway, good to see you

Mr. Cheated-off- my-ethics-final-

and-didn't-have- the-decency-to-thank-me.

We got a "C."

Thanks a lot.

Mike, I hear you've been burning the midnight oil.

Well, sir, I've taken the liberty

of working out a long-term

political plan for you. Uh-huh.

Well, first off, let me say how flattered I am

that you even have me alive in 2060.

Never underestimate science, sir.

Yeah.

PAUL: Uh, Mr. Mayor? Yeah.

Listen, I have kind of a special favor to ask you.

What's that smell?

Oh, that's my cologne.

It's wonderful. Thank you.

What brand is it?

Seduction.

Hey, Paul, men's fragrances are on the fourth floor.

This is first floor, city government.

What favor you wanted to ask?

Sir, there's a meeting of my fan club tonight.

Paul, well, hey. You've got a fan club, huh?

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Mike, do I have a fan club?

Oh, yes, you do, sir. Oh.

It's called the city of New York. Oh.

Yeah, well, if you're not too busy,

it would really be a thrill

if everybody could, you know, sort of come by to meet you.

I'd love to, Paul.

Oh! No, I'm sorry, I can't.

I've got to, um... Mike, tell him what.

Oh, you know, well, you can't, sir. He can't because

you've got the...

Well, sir, you're busy for the next seven years.

Yeah, well, see there?

Damn. My hands are tied.

Mr. Mayor, it's your wife, sir.

(MUMBLES)

Her charity function was canceled.

She wants to know if you can meet for dinner.

Ah, well, tell her I've already committed

to making an appearance

at Paul's fan club meeting tonight.

If only she had caught me earlier.

It's all about timing, sir. Ooh.

Mike, why do I have to work

on this midnight basketball initiative?

This is minority affairs.

That's Carter's job, not mine.

You've been out in the city lately? You are the minority.

I'm talking here.

Mike, I'd be happy to do this alone. Very happy.

Listen up, Bert, Ernie...

I want this presentation first thing tomorrow morning.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Mike. Hey.

Guess who I ran into this morning.

Do you remember Joe Reed?

Lived in your freshman dorm?

Huge head, size of a pumpkin?

Oh, Joe, yeah. Joe. Joe.

He could barely walk upright.

What's he doing now?

Couldn't tell you. The whole time he was talking,

I just kept thinking,

"My God, will you look at the size of this guy's melon?"

The guy was cranially challenged.

Let's not get vicious. Oh, really?

Now, what was it you called Joe in college?

Frankenhead.

Oh, listen, if you want to talk about that police thing,

I got ten minutes right now.

Oh, I can't. I'm on my way to court. What about this afternoon?

City council.

Well, we really should take care of this pretty soon.

Besides, I want to catch up on what everybody's doing.

Remember Betsy Holden?

"Two drinks and I'm yours"?

She was my best friend.

I knew that.

I'm kidding.

I knew that. (CHUCKLES)

Listen, I'm free tonight.

We could grab dinner and take care of all this stuff.

Uh, guys, don't we have a lot of work tonight?

No. No. Nothing, nothing. No. No.

Nothing that can't wait. You can go.

Yeah, okay. Why not?

8:00?

Actually, 7:00's better for him.

I'll make the reservations.

Excuse me. Oh, hi.

I'm Claudia Sacks,

president of the Paul Lassiter Fan Club.

Yes, I know. You do wonderful work, Ms. Sacks.

Oh, it's Claudia.

Claudia, yes.

Oh. Well, this is the room.

It's a banquet room.

Actually it's a conference room.

Conference slash banquet.

Oh, and here's your name tag.

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

And, um... These are your pictures.

Here's a sharpie, in case you want to sign autographs.

Thank you. This is our newsletter.

Lassiter Fun Facts in four different colors.

"Paul won the bronze medal for public speaking

"when he was at St. Mary's Elementary School."

It was a silver medal, actually. Oh.

Well, I'll correct that.

Let it go. Let it go. That's fine.

So. I, uh...

(CLICKS TONGUE) I guess I'm early, huh?

Actually, um... No.

No?

God, I just feel horrible.

I mean, you really do have so many fans out there.

I know. I talk to them on the Internet.

This is it? We have such

a good time talking about you.

You know, the way you say, "Next question, please."

That look you give reporters when you're upset with them...

Like now.

Oh, Mr. Lassiter,

the last thing I wanted to do

was embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Hmm.

Well, at least there's no line at the bar.

Guys, this is our first night off in forever.

Why do we have to sit around

and you drink like a bunch of college boys?

Why can't we just talk?

So, what's new?

Ta-da!

Ah. I call it the Stuart Surprise.

What's in it? No idea. If I knew,

I'd call it the Stuart I Know What's In It.

I'm in. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, do you shoot it, or what?

Again, no idea.

(BOTH GAGGING)

Here. Wash it down with these.

Wash it down with these.

(BOTH GAGGING)

It's delicious.

(BOTH COUGHING)

(RASPING) Smooth.

I'm going to the bathroom.

(STUART LAUGHING)

That guy can't hold his liquor.

...from the outside, he sets, he shoots, he pumps...

Nothing but trash. My house, huh? Huh?

Yeah, I never get tired of that game.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, so now you wanna

play a little one-on-one.

Maybe after dinner.

I'm sorry. I thought you were the cleaning lady.

Oh. You two play a lot of basketball, do you?

Not so much since she blew her knee out.

Gimme a couple of seconds, here. I'll be ready to go.

All right. You know,

this is exactly how I pictured your office.

Really? With the, uh, walls

and the door and everything?

(LAUGHING)

What the hell was that? That wasn't even funny.

Listen to me.

I sound like I'm 16 again.

This feels really familiar.

She's nervous. There's this weird kinda tension.

Your hands are sweating. Why are your hands sweating?

Oh, my God. This is a date.

Red alert. Red alert.

Uh, you know what, it's a little chilly in here.

Why don't you put that back on?

Everybody out of the building.

This is not a drill.

Oh, are you ready to go?

You know, I can't, because I got this big work thing.

You know, the safety of the city

basically depends on it, so...

Don't touch her. Your hands are slimy.

Oh. Well, we still have to talk about that police indictment.

And we should talk about that, and we will.

Tell you what, I'll call you.

No, I'll write... I'll fax you, all right?

I'll send a carrier pigeon.

See ya. Yeah, okay. All right.

That was nicely handled. Very smooth.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

(SMALL VOICE) Oh, no.

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, God! (YELPS)

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Well, I just wanna say again

how truly sorry I am about last night.

Yeah, well, I hope you didn't bring the whole fan club here,

you know, 'cause we don't wanna create a fire hazard.

How did the big party go?

(STAMMERS)

Oh, come on. Spill it, Paul. I bet they made up T-shirts.

You know, I would like

to put Paul Lassiter on my chest.

Yes, I said chest. You're like a horny little chimp.

Well, to be honest with you,

the whole fan club thing, it was just...

Only about the most fun I've ever had.

Morning, people. Really, it was delightful.

I only wish that my supporters were as loyal as yours.

Well, good morning, Ms. President. Mr. Mayor.

Don't forget to tell me about that next meeting, huh?

PAUL: Mr. Mayor? Yeah.

Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor. Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

Not a real hugger, Paul.

Don't take away my incentive to make these little gestures.

Are you sure you don't remember what happened?

Sorry, Stuart. It's all a blur.

There might have been dancing.

Well, look who decided to show up.

It's America's favorite couple.

I don't want to hear any of your excuses, okay?

Your tardiness has put us way behind schedule,

so why don't you two cozy up?

'Cause you're gonna be spendin' the night together.

It'd be the first time.

Okay. Let's get rolling,

'cause we got a lot of work to do.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mike, we didn't mind

spending time with you when Ashley left,

and we know you're hurting,

so, we understand why you're burying yourself in your work,

but enough is enough.

We're worried about you, Mike.

I'm healing. I'll be fine.

No. No, no, no.

Uh, we're worried about what we're gonna to do you

if you keep us here another night.

Sorry I had to get rough with you, man.

Mike... I was supposed

to go have drinks with some people tonight.

Danielle's gonna be there.

I thought maybe you'd... No, no, no, no. I can't.

No, because Danielle thinks I'm in play,

and I can't even get out of the locker room.

She's an offensive machine. She can score at will.

It's baby steps, Mike.

It's time.

(SCOFFS) All right. Okay.

All right. I'll go. I'll go.

You guys all take the night off.

BOTH: Whoo! JAMES: Yeah.

Whoo-hoo. Except you two.

I gotta make that

proposal in the morning, so why don't you two

go find a room and don't come out

until you figure out a way to make balls bounce at midnight.

So, the last time I saw you in college,

you had your shirt off,

you were drinking beer out of one of those ridiculous hats,

and you were screaming, "I rule," over and over.

Yeah.

How did you ever become the deputy mayor?

Well, I did the exact same thing during my interview.

Oh, I'm sorry. You want more peanuts?

Mike, we've already had four bowls.

See, this is part of my overall apology strategy.

I, you know, say I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

until you find it really annoying.

It was a little much.

I'm sorry,

and then, you know,

that's followed by endless bowls of peanuts until you forgive me.

I forgive you.

All right. Then my work here is done. Hold the nuts.

Well, this is it.

Chairs. Podium. Painting.

Everything you see on TV except for the cameras,

which you wouldn't see

because they're... They're the ones

filming it. (CHUCKLES) Wow.

How cool is this?

Yeah. So impressive.

Paul, can you stand behind the podium...

For me?

You happy?

I know what you're trying to do.

Yes, ma'am.

When Mr. Mayor took office,

he promised to take care of the pothole problem,

yet it seems to have gotten worse.

Well, appearances can be deceiving.

You see, because this administration has discovered

that potholes are a way of combating

another scourge of our city,

drag racing.

So, one has to ask themself,

are potholes a problem,

or do they save lives?

Oh, that was brilliant.

Yes, ma'am? You in the front?

Mr. Lassiter,

would you kiss me?

Well, I see... I don't think we're prepared to answer...

They'll be no further questions.

Is... Is part of your apology plan

to get me really, really drunk?

No, no, these are for Nikki and her friends.

Where did they go, anyway?

I don't know. I thought they were at the bar.

Wait a minute. Did I hear them

say something about going to a club?

Oh. Yeah. You wanna go find 'em?

No, no. I'm not a club kinda guy.

If I wanna shout in someone's ear,

I'll go visit my grandma.

Are you all right that we're alone?

You're not about to have a crisis

at the office, are you?

Well, I can't very well do it now that you said that.

I am just saying that if you wanna call it a night, we can.

No. Hey, come on, look...

I can handle this.

I mean, after all, we are two grown-up,

professional people who just happen to be

of the opposite...sex.

I'll tell you what.

We will take all of the danger out of the situation

by behaving exactly the opposite of how we would

if this was a date.

I... I don't follow you.

How much money do you make?

Oh, I get it. I see.

I am unbelievably shallow.

I'm lookin' to have kids...

Soon.

I have never

satisfied a woman in bed,

and I have no problem with that.

Are you ready to order?

Yes. I'll have the lobster. WAITRESS: Lobster.

Should I really do this?

Oh, definitely. Why not?

You're payin' for it.

You don't remember anything?

Look...

Even if anything did go on,

I'm certainly not gonna go shootin' my mouth off about it.

I got a rep to protect.

And you, to be perfectly honest,

don't make much of a trophy, okay?

So, you're ashamed of me?

Nothing happened, okay?

We were drunk. You couldn't find your apartment keys,

so I let you crash at my place.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to teach you a lesson.

When you look at me, all you see is a gay person.

I'm just a guy, Stuart, I'm a friend of yours.

I know that.

Oh, really? Well, if Paul had taken you home,

would you have worried then?

No. But he's not gay. Stuart!

Just because I'm gay, it doesn't mean

I sleep with every man I get a chance to.

Look at you. You're straight.

Do you sleep with every woman you get a change to?

Yes!

Woman?

Man.

Nice ass.

You know, for a guy. (CHUCKLES)

It's changes like that

that make me love this city.

They make me really fear blind dates.

Well, this is where I get off.

And then things got awkward.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, usually when an evening goes this well,

this is the point where the guy...

Or the girl.

I can't do this.

I just ended a long relationship,

and I'm still at home reading old letters.

But you know what?

She dumped me.

I mean, I should be able to move on.

I'm a grown man. I can do this.

I can't do this.

Take your time. Figure it out.

I don't have to be at work for a few hours yet.

Why should I be uncomfortable?

I mean, I had a fantastic evening.

You are beautiful.

I really love being with you.

I can do this. Mike, I don't know.

Pucker up. All right.

But I'm not closing my eyes.

I can't do this.

I am so shocked.

Oh. I just... It wouldn't be fair to you,

because I would be thinking about somebody else.

I understand.

Timing, huh?

Yeah.

What was her name?

Ashley.

Mmm. Pretty name.

Yeah.

Well, good night, Mike.

Yeah.

I had a really great time.

Yeah, me, too.

But this is the right thing.

Oh, my God. I want her.

Shut up.

Sorry. I'm hungry.

NIKKI: That's it?

Yeah. I didn't even kiss her.

Nothing. Why?

Because you're a wuss.

Apparently, I'm deep.

That doesn't sound right.

You're not deep, Mike.

Well, it's late.

Anyone ready to go to bed?

She wants you.