Original subtitles

(LASER GUNS SHOOTING)

That's right. Go ahead.

Play, recreate. Just tell me if I'm in your way.

Actually, Mike, I could use a hostage.

We got two days till Thanksgiving, Mike.

Nobody gets any work done in this city.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You guys are staring at a four-day weekend.

You're thinking,

Hey, four whole days. Why not make it five?

So then you're at five mentally,

you look around, no one seems too ticked off,

so you think, "Why not go for six?" Am I right?

Basically. Yeah.

I know how your minds work.

I was a low-level grunt myself once.

Thank you, Mike. Just knowing you care.

Look at this. I think this is very revealing.

The youngest member of our staff

Is the only one who's doing any work.

Miss you, too, honey.

Yeah. Gotta go.

I'm kissing you back.

I gotta go. I really...

Yeah. Uh-huh. Love you a lot.

Bye-bye.

Stuart, I really wish you hadn't done that.

(GASPS MOCKINGLY)

You think this is funny?

I've never told her I loved her before.

Well, I got you over that hump.

Stuart, she's my high school girlfriend.

She's still back in Wisconsin.

She thinks... She thinks that...

She thinks we'll talk about it later.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Please. Go on. Go on.

This is, uh...

This is why I got into politics.

Well, we've been dating on and off forever, Mike.

I'm not even sure what she wants from me.

To tell you the truth, at this point I'm just thinking...

Shh. That was sarcasm.

It was.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

So how long have you been going with this girl?

About seven years.

And you never told her you loved her?

No.

I only talked with her for 30 seconds,

and I told her I loved her.

I know, Stuart, but it's hard.

You know, I know that I'm ready to move on.

I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

You know, James, if I may,

you're just... You're too nice a guy.

Take it from another nice guy.

You're only hurting yourself.

No, no, no.

Why don't you just tell her

she'll always have a special place in your heart,

but you're not the one for her.

She should find someone who loves her

the way she deserves to be loved.

What am I, some kind of savage?

All right. You know what? Get off my back.

I'm only repeating what I heard last night.

Storm's coming, Mike.

Well, Lisa, Lisa. Always nice to see

one of the city council staffers.

It's a fine November morning, isn't it?

Cut the chitchat, Mike. I'm here to talk about Thanksgiving.

Okay. I'm surprised you don't know this,

but our forefathers came over on a big boat...

The contest, Flaherty.

The Mayor's charity Thanksgiving dinner

against the City Council's.

You can't be serious.

Simple scoring system.

One man, one meal, seconds don't count,

desserts are optional.

Whoever feeds the most people wins.

I always enjoy our little competitive events.

I mean, the volleyball, the touch football,

your personal favorite, the Greco-Roman wrestling,

But I'm a little uncomfortable with the idea

betting on who can feed the most homeless people.

Why don't we just line them up and race them?

Come on, Flaherty.

We'll still be doing good.

It's just an added perk that I get to kick your butt again.

I promise you, it won't be as bad

as the time I struck you out in slow-pitch softball.

I hate when you bring that up.

My mistake.

I should have realized that when one is so continuously beaten,

you lose the will to even compete.

I tell you what. I'll be in my office.

You give me a call if you get the stones to get in the game.

Ooh! What the hell was that?

Did she just question my stones?

I don't believe that woman.

I think I'm in love.

You know, Mike, I'm just glad

you didn't stoop to her level.

This is about feeding people in need,

not about who loses and who wins.

Oh, we're going to win, James.

We're going to win big.

Hey. Hey.

I can't believe I didn't get one of these babies sooner.

It's the perfect exercise companion for the mayor on the go.

It's a pretty small demographic, don't you think, sir?

I can make phone calls, watch TV, read the newspaper.

Hey, watch me read, Mike.

I'm walking and reading. I'm walking and reading.

Whoa! Bet you can't do this in Central Park, huh?

What have you got lined up for me on the Thanksgiving front?

Uh, well, sir, you have the photo op

in front of Gracie Mansion with the turkey.

I don't like to meet my food before I eat it, Mike.

Oh, no. This guy's just for show, sir.

You won't be eating him.

You'll be eating his brother.

You know, I was thinking.

Since this is our first Thanksgiving in office,

I'd like to do something meaningful for the less fortunate.

Well, we, uh...

We, uh... We have that little competition

with the City Council, sir, the annual charity dinner.

Oh, great. Count me in.

What's the wager?

The same as always. One of those paperweights...

New York skyline in a bubble.

You shake it up and it snows.

Well, when was the last time the...

Why am I yelling?

When was the last time the Mayor's office got it?

Well, I did a little research, Your Honor.

It was, uh... About 13 years ago.

We're in office now, and I say crush them, huh?

That's the spirit, sir.

Hey, look at you, sir. You're walking and dialing.

Walking and dialing.

Speaker Rosen, please. Tell him it's the Mayor.

I bet Rosen doesn't do 45 minutes of cardio every day.

He's shaped like a giant pear, big old blubbery...

Saul! It's Randall.

I'm calling about the kids' little bakeoff.

What do you say you and I make things a little more interesting?

Now, we've got two locations lined up...

The St. Mary's church on the Lower East Side

and St. Stephen's church on the Upper West Side.

It's 1996, which is an even-numbered year,

so the Mayor's office has first pick.

Uh, great. We'll, uh...

We'll take St. Mary's.

Then we've got St. Stephen's.

Yes!

Yes. So we've got Alphabet City,

we get the East Village,

we get the Bowery,

and you have the Lincoln Center crowd.

Maybe they'll drop by after the opera.

Right. You've got St. Mary's. Good.

So, now, I've typed up a memo...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's wrong with St. Mary's?

Nothing.

All right. I changed my mind.

I want St. Stephen's.

Fine. So, now, as I was saying...

Actually, if it's all the same to you,

I will keep the Lower East Side and St. Stephen's.

That's St. Mary's.

You bet it is.

Be my guest.

What aren't you telling me?

Gave you my memo, you're okay with the Lower East Side,

everything is all set.

No, no. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.

I changed my mind. I want St. Stephen's.

Whatever.

Did you just trick me?

I don't know. You tell me.

All right. Okay. This isn't fair, all right,

because... Because... Because this isn't about winning or losing.

This is about doing good.

This is about helping people.

LISA: You just keep telling yourself that, Flaherty.

My boss assigned me to City Hall for two days.

And you know what? There is nothing going on.

Everybody is walking around talking about some charity dinner.

You know, if I'm a viewer,

I want to see a story on that charity dinner,

especially the handsome young man who helped organize it.

Mike, how many times do I have to tell you this?

Nobody cares about you.

Thank you, honey. That's comforting.

Except me.

Look, I don't think you get this.

If I can get one hot, edgy story,

I am in this slot permanently.

You know, Janet, she moved to Boston.

Wow, that's big.

Who's Janet?

You know Janet. She's a reporter

who covers City Hall for my station.

Tall, blond, great body.

Janet moved?

I... I... I mean, you really think she's got a good body?

I never noticed.

And in the spirit of the season,

the Mayor's office and the Speaker's office

will each be sponsoring a free Thanksgiving dinner

for members of the community.

Donations of canned goods can be dropped off

at City Hall outside the Mayor's office.

Or at Speaker Rosen's office.

The Mayor's office, of course,

is conveniently located on the first floor.

We're also on the first floor, closer to the door.

Yeah. We're... We're going to have

a man standing on the steps outside

with a large cardboard box. Yes?

What sort of a menu will you be serving?

The Mayor's office will be serving

the traditional turkey dinner with all the fixin's.

The Speaker's office will be offering people

their choice of turkey, ham, or sausage

with even more fixin's.

Yes, Ashley.

Do you have any real news for us today?

We're going to have pumpkin pie.

Cobbler. We're having cobbler.

All right, everybody.

Zero hour approaches.

Tomorrow we go out there, and we feed a hungry city.

Whose pumpkin pie is this?

Uh, that's mine.

That's a store-bought pie, isn't it?

Anybody else here buy their desserts?

Huh! I assumed you made yours.

Yeah. The gay guy's the only one who bakes.

I also knit those little napkins, you putz.

You guys want to win this thing or not?

STUART: Yeah, well, whatever.

I already told the Mayor we were going to deliver for him.

I even got him to up the bet.

When the City Council loses,

they got to stand up at the next council meeting

and sing the song of our choice from West Side Story.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

I hope it's I Feel Pretty.

I love that song.

So they have to do this at an official meeting

in front of the cameras and everything?

Wait a second. If we lose,

do we have to sing a song, Mike?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Not from West Side Story.

Nikki: oh, Mike!

I swear to god, I'll kill myself where I stand

if it's from Cats.

The Sound of Music.

STUART: Oh, God!

Why did you do this?

It wasn't bad enough that we had to buy them beer

after they beat us in softball?

It wasn't that bad.

Forever!

We have to buy them beer forever!

Just look at you people.

It's like you lost already.

Well, I, for one, am not going to stand here

and listen to any of this negative talk.

Not me. Not this guy.

I'm going down to that church,

I'm going to do a little recon,

then I'm going to get us ready

and lead us down the path to victory!

Now, who's with me?

Who wants to skip out a few hours of work?

Aren't you going to go play spy with the older boys?

Nope. I've got to finish this letter to Becky.

I think this is it, though.

I'm just trying to let her down gently.

James, you've been seeing her for seven years.

Gently is no longer an option.

Yeah, but it's not that serious.

James, what do you mean?

She's probably in Wisconsin pining away,

thinking that you're going to be the one.

I meant it's not that serious for me.

I know you're trying to be Mr. Nice guy,

but you're actually going to make it much harder for her in the long run.

You really don't think the letter...

No. Any time over three years requires vocal contact.

Hello, is Becky there, please?

Hello, James.

Wow, what a connection.

She's behind me, isn't she?

Hi, Becky.

She tricked me!

I like it.

It screams "witch's cottage in the forest."

Oh, you should have seen the kitchen at St. Mary's.

Completely remodeled! Spotless! You could eat off the floor.

Paul! Paul! Chrome fixtures...

Don't make me come over there.

This is doable.

It depends on what you want to do.

If you want to get tetanus, it's definitely doable.

(CARTER COUGHING)

Mike, hi!

I see you've found the "kitchen."

Oh, yeah, it was easy.

We just followed the bread crumbs through the forest.

I wasn't even going to attempt a church switch,

but all of the sudden we were in your office, and it was right there.

"I want St. Mary's!" "I want St. Stephen's!" "I want St. Mary's!"

What's a poor girl to do?

We knew it was like this.

That's why we picked it. We love this!

Yeah, right.

Just like you meant to miss that last pitch by about three feet.

I hate when she brings that up!

I'm telling you, we had great Thanksgivings at my family.

It wasn't always that way.

Believe it or not, I actually came out on Thanksgiving.

Oh, how'd you pull that off?

Very subtle.

"Dad, great job carving the turkey.

"I'm a homosexual."

Well, every year, I go to my sister's house,

hug her three beautiful children,

then my family gathers round, ties me to a chair,

and pummels me with questions about why I'm not married yet.

Hey. Me, my mom, my dad, three Hungry-Man dinners, and a big box of wine.

First "I hate you" comes out around 9:30.

Okay, guys. Way I look at it, you got two options.

So you can either go in here and start working,

or you can stand out here and start learning the words to Edelweiss.

We would have gone in, Mike, but we didn't want to disturb the rats.

Apparently they're decorating for their Christmas party.

O ye of little faith.

Jeez! Mike, what did you do? Rob an appliance store?

Made a few calls.

Look, we have plates and utensils over there,

and here we got every cooking implement known to man.

We got a spatula.

We got your, uh... Your, uh...

Your squirty thing.

These are technical terms, but I know you'll catch on.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Big Daddy to home base. Big Daddy to home base.

Come in, Paul.

Big Daddy does not copy.

Paul, I can hear you perfectly.

Still not copying.

Paul...

(SOFTLY) Come in, Big Daddy.

Roger, home base.

What's the situation over there?

They're all set up here. They've already started cooking, okay?

I'll check in again later.

Until then, this is Big Daddy... (MIKE DISCONNECTS)

All right, Lisa's already started. We got to get moving.

I got a refrigerated truck out back. I got 30 birds.

They're all gutless, headless, and happy to be here.

Now, I'll coordinate everything.

I just need someone to be in charge of the cooking.

I'll do it.

Great. That's the kind of enthusiasm I'm looking for.

You like to cook?

No. But I do so love being in charge.

Now, fetch me some spices and some pans,

and, what the hell, give me that squirty thing.

You can't cook at all, can you?

Not a lick.

I thought the subway was nice,

and I really like the soup kitchen,

but since I'm only in town for two days,

maybe we could see something else later.

I've got to be honest with you, Becky.

There's really not that much to see in New York.

Listen, Becky...

Okay, this isn't easy for me to say, but, uh...

You know, I'm so glad I came to see you.

I've been really depressed lately.

You remember my cat Mr. Tuggles? He died.

He was my best friend in the whole world.

I mean, besides you.

(GIGGLES)

That makes things difficult.

My family totally rallied around me, though.

It was funny because my mom gave me a cat,

and my sister gave me a cat.

It really cheered me up.

Aw, that's great.

So what I was saying to you is that...

Of course, they didn't get along.

No, of course, they didn't.

In fact, the cat my sister gave me

actually killed the cat my mom gave me.

You don't say.

Hey, wait, wait... Is that right?

Are you actually questioning my ability to do simple arithmetic?

Why, it's just, uh...

I don't know. That number seems a little low.

Perhaps you're not following my system.

You see, whenever a person walks through the door,

I put a mark on the board.

I respect your position as our team's impartial counter.

I took a pledge, Mike.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I was just thinking maybe you could come up with a more...

Effective system.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

You realize the depths you've sunken to?

I was here first. No, I was!

Don't push me! Will you shut up?

That's two.

I can't break up with her. I mean, what would I say?

Well, first off, you should tell that girl

to think about getting a dog next time.

James, you can't keep stringing her along.

You've got to say something.

Say nothing.

Keep little Miss In-love-with-you on your back burner.

My back burner.

Yeah.

You see, the hot stuff, the stuff I pay attention to

I keep on my front burners,

but I always have a few lonely pots

simmering in the back,

yearning for me, yearning for me to stir them.

That's beautiful, Stuart.

Yeah, well, sometimes a girl's just happy to be on the stove.

Stuart, where's my damn poultry?

It's still cooking, not quite done yet.

We're running out of time.

Turn the oven up. We need more power.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I'm giving it all she's got, Captain!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Come in, talk to me, Big Daddy.

Mike, they're wrapping it up here.

I don't think they're serving anymore.

Paul, are you eating?

No.

Why?

Just give me the final number, all right?

They've had 247 very satisfied customers.

Okay, they're at 247.

We have 245.

No! No, I will not lose to this woman again, do you hear me?

Thank you.

Look who I found, Mike, some more hungry settlers.

Thanks,, sir. That puts us over the top.

Great! Let's have at that turkey.

Turkey! Uh, Carter, how much time do we have?

Hold on, uh, okay, okay...

Two minutes!

You've got exactly two minutes.

Mike!

Mike, what are you doing? It's not ready yet.

That's all right. I'll just, uh...

I'll check its vital signs.

Nope. Nothing. This bird is dead.

Let's carve it up.

No, Mike, the thingamajig hasn't popped up yet.

Yep. Happy Thanksgiving.

Okay, what would you like?

White meat or, uh...

Whiter meat?

For three unlucky men, the Mayor's annual Thanksgiving feast

turned into a nightmare.

Not only were they treated to a free meal,

but also to a mild case of food poisoning.

The culprit? Undercooked turkey.

While no lasting harm was done,

the memory of a hand outstretched in kindness, only to inflict pain,

will stay with these gentlemen for a long, long time.

This is Ashley Schaeffer, Channel 10 News.

I'm back.

You're back. You're back with your typical liberal media bias.

245 satisfied diners and you got to focus on the three guys...

Who spent the night in the hospital.

In private rooms!

Thank you, Paul. In private rooms on the city's tab.

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Okay, I'll see you at home, and, um, tell you what.

I'll cook tonight.

It's nice of you

to take the bus back to Wisconsin with me, James.

Oh, well, I really wanted to see my folks.

Plus you shouldn't travel alone.

I'm not.

Can you believe they were giving away cats at the bus station?

Oh, good luck, little buddy.

So are we going to have some time to spend with one another

when we get home?

Okay. To tell you the truth,

I really don't think that would be a good idea.

You see, Becky, I, um...

I, um, oh, boy, this is hard for me.

The truth is, Becky, as much as I want to...

I... I don't think we should see each other anymore.

I just think it's best that way for both of us.

(SOBBING)

DRIVER OVER PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

we'll be pulling into Wisconsin in about 14 hours.

Okay, that probably wasn't the best timing.

♪♪ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu

♪♪ Adieu

♪♪ Adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu ♪♪

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Are you enjoying the performance, Speaker Rosen?

I'm having a ball!

(MUSIC PLAYS)