Original subtitles

ASHLEY: (ON TV) This is Ashley Schaeffer with channel 10 news.

(GROANS) That was great stuff.

We don't have to play this little game every night.

Excuse me if I happen

to find that piece very comforting.

Mike, I interviewed a grown man who collects Barbie dolls.

Exactly. It's very comforting to me

that he lives way the hell on the other side of town.

It's just driving me crazy.

I miss my old job at the newspaper.

Look, honey, I know you're upset.

No, I'm not upset.

You clean when you're upset.

Fine. I'm upset. I'm cleaning.

What's the harm in that?

You threw out the budget for the parks department.

I've been working on that for a month.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

We'll just dig my paycheck out of there later.

Oh. It's just this television thing, you know?

It's one puff piece after the other.

It's just so frustrating.

I know it is, honey,

but everybody's got to start at the bottom.

Mike, the man made me leave the room

when Barbie was changing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Michael.

Ooh, it's never good when you call me Michael.

Last Tuesday, you had me cancel your lunch

with the Parks commissioner

so you could dine with the dean of Fordham Law School,

which I then

because of your last-minute speaking engagement

at the women's caucus.

Bottom line, Janelle.

You have 11 lunches today.

Good. I'm really hungry.

I did it. I broke up with Roger last night.

How do you feel?

In my heart, I know it was the right thing,

but you know how he can be.

Maybe if I'd just been a little bit more...

But he had all those issues with his mother...

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Right? So, you know...

How?

I mean, how could you possibly know?

What? Guys don't talk about it

when they break up with their girlfriends?

A buddy shows up with a new girlfriend,

you pretty much assume he dumped the old one.

The only thing that is required of you

is to not call her by the other one's name.

Mr. Flaherty, D-day has arrived.

Hey, carter's got a new nickname for himself.

You promised to tell me today

whether or not the mayor is going to support

the legislation on same-sex marriages.

I'm on pins and needles, too, Mike.

I got big plans tonight.

Yeah. In my office, one minute. Okay, Carter?

James, the mayor needs his remarks

for the annual trick or treating at Gracie mansion.

Halloween's still a few days away.

It's a big event, James.

There's a lot of cameras. The mayor's great with kids.

It's the only time of the year he gets to wear

his Chewbacca costume out of the house.

It's hard for me to get into the Halloween spirit

until it's actually Halloween.

I need some kind of inspiration.

Good morning, people!

Thank you, Paul.

Is it pirate day again?

I get this new toaster, right?

And the thing flings bread up at an incredible speed.

I'm telling you,

it should come with a pair of safety goggles.

Is it bad?

The doctor prescribed some drops.

I have to wear the patch for a couple of days.

I'll be fine.

Go ahead, Stuart. Let's hear it.

If you make it this easy, you ruin it for both of us.

CARTER: I'd really like that answer now.

Is the mayor going to come out

for or against same-sex marriages?

Gay marriages? Oh, no. Mayor's against it.

Paul...

No. I just spoke to him. He's against it 100%.

The mayor's coming out against.

Yeah. I picked that up.

I don't want you to take this personally.

Why? Just because if I was in a monogamous,

faithful relationship with a man for 10 years,

I would never be allowed to marry him,

but if I met some strange woman in a bar,

we could be married within an hour,

and every state in the union would applaud it, just like that?

You mind telling me what bar that is?

Carter, you're a smart guy.

This was the only thing we could do politically.

I should just lie down and accept this, hmm?

If you wouldn't mind.

ASHLEY: So Hank is officially

the oldest hockey player in New York.

Oh, age is just a number.

Hank's as young in his heart

as he was when he started the game.

And how long have you two been married?

I'm his daughter.

Right, uh...

Well, let me just tell you my angle on the story.

I want to do a piece, an expose, if you will,

on ageism in America.

They said you were going to talk about hockey.

Dad loves hockey.

Why don't we get a few shots of Hank warming up,

and then I'll get some of his insights on the issue.

Hank? Hank?

Could I have a few words?

Hank!

Uh...Oh.

Help me up!

Nice job, sir.

Why did they need to know my opinion on that?

Same-sex marriage is a hot-button issue right now

and has legislation pending at the state level,

and as leader of the City of New York,

you're expected to voice your...

I'm familiar with the concept of being mayor.

I was asking the question on a more metaphysical level.

Ooh, well... My waters don't run that deep, sir.

Could you believe that reporter,

having the gall to ask me if I were homophobic.

Even if I were prejudiced against gays,

I'd want them to get married,

give them a taste of the nightmare

the rest of us live through every day.

Sir, the good news is,

the press is ready to let this go,

as long as we don't do anything to light a fire under it.

Where is Carter on all of this?

Probably out gathering kindling.

He won't be a problem, will he, Mike?

I hope not, sir. I've spoken to him,

and I'll continue to speak to him,

so that he can't speak to anyone else.

Good, but we mustn't forget

that we brought Carter aboard

because he represents a segment of society

that had no voice in this administration.

Make sure he understands.

We really want to hear what he has to say.

We just can't listen to him.

Stephanie from hall of records wants you to call her.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Gorgeous Stephanie?

Turns out she's a very charming woman.

Course, I'd only met her through you,

so I hadn't heard her say much other than,

"Get away from me. I'm busy."

Did you just make fun of me?

'Cause that's not how it works.

I'm having coffee with her this afternoon.

Way to go, big daddy.

You betcha.

Something is very wrong here.

What? It's so inconceivable

that she could find me attractive?

Yes, it is.

I... I don't know that.

If I were a woman, I would find Paul very sexy.

That sounded weird, didn't it?

It's the patch. It's got to be the patch.

Oh, Stuart, you are so pathetic.

There it is again!

The only reason the guy had a hockey stick

was to prop himself up.

It's not funny, you know.

It never ends, either.

Tomorrow, I'm interviewing a dog who can count to 5.

Get out of town!

In English?

No, in Spanish, Mike. The dog speaks fluent Spanish.

But what's more interesting is that it barks to 5.

Wow!

What does it count?

You know, I really don't care.

Probably cats.

Gatos.

if I could just have one story, you know,

one strong, gripping, divisive story.

We have something to tell you.

We're getting married.

Carter, this wedding is a giant slap in the face

to the administration, and I cannot

in good conscience let it happen,

so I'm simply not going to allow it.

So, Carter, here's my pitch.

Yes.

Since everybody's covering the actual ceremony,

I want to start when you say "I do,"

and have my cameras roll right up to the annulment.

MIKE: You're not helping.

Carter's fighting for a very important cause here.

I'm sorry. You don't mind if I speak for you?

No, no. I find this fascinating.

He's a grown man, he's getting married,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Honey, aren't you supposed to be at the zoo

covering that iguana that can do long division?

Actually, I grant you unlimited access.

Ha! You are a god.

I think I'm going to talk to my producer about this.

Love you, honey.

Oh, come on. Smile!

I hope you're not setting yourself up for a fall,

because this fake protest wedding may be big

in our little world...

Let me paint you a picture, Mike.

First, Nikki and I are going to get married.

We will then walk over to the throng of reporters...

I hate throngs.

Throngs are very uncomfortable.

And we're going to tell them, Mike,

this is a sham marriage. We don't love each other.

We're not going to have a life together.

We'll never even spend one night in the same room.

We will, however, enjoy all the benefits of a legal union,

health insurance, tax deductions, you name it.

Then, I'm going to trot out gay couple after gay couple...

People who've been together 5, 10, even 20 years.

They've bought homes, raised children,

been an important part of this community,

and yet none of them can enjoy the same benefits.

That's so subtle.

CARTER: how's my lovely bride-to-be?

Oh, busy, busy, busy.

I rented an art gallery for the ceremony.

I got us a minister, florist, caterer.

What about a band? Will there be dancing?

Have you met my friends?

There will be dancing.

Ah!

Nikki, I had the strangest dream last night,

and you were in it.

You were digging this deep hole...

And you were burying me in it.

And here's the funny part.

I was still alive.

Could you hold on a second?

Hello? Antoine! Guess what.

I am getting married the day after tomorrow.

You have to do my hair.

Oh, he's a great guy. You'll love him.

No, no, no. Trust me.

How about this dress?

No. If I go strapless, I'll have to shave my armpits.

Let me see, Karen.

The one with the sequins?

Here's the one she wants,

simple, elegant, very Audrey Hepburn.

James, come here.

One second, Mike.

You're definitely going to have to wear pumps with that.

James! Now.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm helping. I picked out

both of my sisters' wedding dresses.

Mike, I really have an eye for it.

(WHIRRING)

I'm detecting abnormal estrogen levels, Captain.

Set phasers to "dewussify."

Hey, Mike, press conference!

Let's go! Heel, toe! Come on!

Coming, coming! I'm sorry, Paul!

What am I doing?

It's the patch, Mike. The patch has power.

Whatever you do, don't look directly at it.

"At this time, the mayor's office

"has no comment on Mr. Heywood's wedding,

"nor on the issue of gay marriage."

Mike, I can't read this.

It's our position. We're sticking with it.

No, no, no. I mean, I can't read this.

You try it. Cover an eye.

I'm getting a headache.

Paul, I got...

I got to know you're ready for this, okay?

These people are going to want some answers.

They're not going to be satisfied,

with the timeless Paul Lassiter classic,

"I have no comment at this time."

Don't you worry about a thing because I'm in total control.

Look, I've never felt more confident in my life.

Since that accident,

I've finally found my inner strength.

That accident changed my life.

Paul, you weren't driving an Indy car.

You got hit by toast.

Well, there she is... The bride.

You know, I've been thinking about wedding presents.

What do you want? Gravy boat? A blender?

Date for the reception?

Very cute, Mike.

What's the matter?

I just got off the phone with my nana.

She's just thrilled. She's flying up

from Jacksonville for the wedding.

Well, what a nana.

She just kept saying how happy she is

that her granddaughter

is finally getting married.

The whole gay rights thing just kind of went...

I know what you mean.

My grandmother thought that a homosexual

was a person who slept with one person

their whole life.

We were going to let it slide,

but she kept telling the mailman she was a homosexual.

I just don't want my nana to be disappointed.

Don't want to disappoint Nana, so cancel it.

Cancel it for Nana.

You know, I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm doing this for Carter.

If I can help him shine the light

on an important issue, that's great.

And as for me, I don't care.

This is just a few days out of my life.

CARTER: Nikki.

What?

I have a surprise for you.

What?

I hope you don't think this is too corny,

but, well... Here.

It's my grandmother's engagement ring.

My mom was so excited

when she thought somebody might actually wear it,

even for a week.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow!

Thanks, Nikki.

Wow.

Not a single follow-up question?

None. Paul has completely shut down the media.

I don't know how he did it.

Anyway, it gives us a window to try to figure out

how to put the kibosh on this whole wedding.

I don't think we need to put any kibosh on this.

Should we just nip it in the bud, then?

Let me tell you a little story, Mike.

Please.

When I was 11 years old,

my parents sent me away to summer camp.

It was there that I developed, well,

a serious case of athlete's foot.

Needless to say,

when it came time to hit the showers,

I was embarrassed and confused.

You and me both, sir.

No. The point is, the more I did

to try to hide my affliction,

the more I drew attention to it.

Pretty soon, I was just a boy in the shower

with one sock on.

You're saying the more we do to cover this up,

the worse it will get.

Give me a second, sir. Let me work with this.

Well, you've already come out negative on it,

so the conservatives are happy,

and if we let Carter and Nikki walk down the aisle,

the liberals are taken care of, so...

Do nothing.

Sir, that's inspired.

Let it be, Mike,

and the path shall reveal itself.

You're a very spiritual man, aren't you, sir?

I'm part Chippewa.

I don't know what it is, Stuart,

but I always get this feeling at weddings.

There's a different energy in the air.

Maybe it's just me.

It's not just you, James.

It's the law of the jungle.

Women are naturally vulnerable at weddings.

You ever see Wild Kingdom?

We're cheetahs, James,

and the women...

They're wounded baby gazelles.

Well, you're looking at the king of the jungle.

(GROWLS)

I'm telling you, I got more numbers

than I know what to do with.

Paul, how long did the doctor say

you're supposed to wear the patch?

Friday.

It's Saturday.

Yes, well,

the prescription was very vague.

Hello.

Oh, Mike! Look, Nikki, it's Mike!

Hi, Mike.

Hi, Karen.

She's a little stressed out.

She can hear you.

Why don't I get us a little more champagne?

That's a good idea. Why don't you get some?

It will perk you up a little.

Okey-doke.

I just wanted to come by and wish you luck.

How you doing?

I got my something old, my something new,

my something blue.

I just need something borrowed.

Oh, uh...

Ten bucks.

Thanks.

Going to need that back after the ceremony.

So, I'm doing it, Mike. I'm getting married.

What am I doing?

I thought I could put this dress on

and it wouldn't affect me,

but look at me. I'm...

You look beautiful.

No, I'm a mess, Mike. My mascara is running.

I'm shaking. Why am I shaking?

You shake when it's forever, not when it's 5 days.

Maybe you got cold feet.

I can't feel my feet.

I may be a little out of line, but, uh...

It occurs to me you might have

a little more invested emotionally

than you thought you would in this.

You think?

I have a picture of my mom on her wedding day.

I look just like her.

You don't have to go through with this.

I don't even get to have sex tonight, Mike.

I'm spending my wedding night at home,

ironing and folding my dress for next time.

What's the holdup?

Nothing.

This is a mistake. You can't do this.

You never quit, do you?

This is happening. You can't stop it.

To tell you the truth, politically,

this is no longer a problem for me.

You're happy. The Mayor is happy.

I have no ulterior motive.

Well, that's a first.

Anything I tell you now is personal,

it's honest, and it is from my heart.

Ugh...

What's that cold little heart of yours telling you?

That you pulled it off, Carter.

And I admire that. I seriously do.

It's exactly the kind of thing that I hope

I would do if I was in your position.

You'll get everything you want, but Nikki...

Mike, don't.

What?

Why don't you ask Nikki how she feels about it?

If there's anything you want to talk about...

No, I'm fine. I'm a little flustered.

Are you sure? Because...

Yes. Go away.

The groom is not supposed to see the bride

before the wedding.

MAN: Before we consecrate the vows of holy matrimony,

if there is any man or woman

who thinks that this union should not take place,

please let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

Okay, I want a tight shot on Nikki,

and then a quick pan across to Carter.

Excuse me?

Do you think this union should not take place?

I'm for it. Are you kidding?

They got me doing talking dog stories.

Do you, Nicole Katherine Faber,

take this man, Carter Sebastian Heywood,

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

to love and honor him in sickness and in health

all the days of your life?

Um, I... I do.

And do you, Carter, take Nicole,

to love and honor her in sickness and in health

for all the days of your life?

I don't.

Carter, you don't have to do this for me.

Yeah, I do.

I mean, I don't.

I mean...

You know what I mean.

Am I disappointed? Absolutely not.

It's amazing to have a friend

who would go this far.

She deserves to take those vows

when they mean something.

And you know what? So do I.

Mark my words. It will happen someday.

Someday, we'll be standing right up there

with the man of our dreams.

I hope it's not the same guy.

Is Nikki okay?

Oh, yeah. She'll be fine.

I don't know what it is about weddings,

but they always make me daydream.

(STAMMERING) Me, too.

Really? So do you ever think about

what our wedding would be like?

Sure.

Hypothetically.

Didn't mean to scare you.

Oh, you didn't. You didn't!

Listen up, people.

I am powerful, and I'm confident,

and I don't need some eye patch to make me feel that.

I am Paul Lassiter,

and I am a man to be reckoned with.

Hello, gorgeous.

You're in my way.

I'm sorry. I didn't... Oh!

I'm sorry. No, no, no.

Looking for an eye patch, people, please.

Looking for an eye patch. I have a serious eye problem.

Please help.

I'll pick you up at 9:00?