All language subtitles for Spin City S01E06 Dog Day Afternoon_track1_[eng]

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
And finally,
special thanks

to Ashley Schaeffer
for filling in today.

You guys are tough.
I hope I didn't
embarrass myself.

Well, you certainly didn't
pull any punches with Harvey.

ANNOUNCER ON TV:
So tune in next Sunday

when we have
the regular group back,

here on Focus New York.

Hmm?

How good did you look
on that TV show?

Mm. Well, let's not meet
the press or anything,

but I think I did
really, really well.

No. I mean, how good
did you look
on that TV show?

You are turning my first ever
television appearance

into a sexual thing?

I'm trying to.

How nice.

Don't get me wrong.
I think you're bright,

intelligent, articulate
and you generally kick butt.

It's just
an added bonus that...

I'm really turned on.

It is, is it?
Oh, definitely.

You know,
when I grew up
watching TV,

I... I always fantasized
about the women.

You know,
Farrah Fawcett,
Lynda Carter...

Betty Rubble...

She's a cartoon
character, Mike.

She had a hot,
little body.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Everybody have a good weekend?

Too lazy to even leave
my apartment. You?

I actually paid guys
to come over

to move the refrigerator
closer to my couch.

Get yourself a bedpan.

You can lay down
Friday night
and call it a weekend.

Oh, Stuart, one day you're
going to make some woman

very, very unhappy.

Mayor's approval
ratings came out.

And?
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

Eh...

Ew...

I'd like to make
a silly noise too,

but I don't know
what these numbers mean.

It's actually a very
predictable poll.

Goes up with good news,
down with bad news.

What you want to watch out for
is a long, steady...

drop.
Ew...

This is the slump
of all slumps.

They hate us.
I don't understand it.

They elected us in.
This wasn't a military coup.

All right, Paul. Let's see
if we can start
turning the tide

on this one, all right?
We're going to introduce

our nominee for public
schools chancellor,

Joel Bronsteen.
He's an exceptional candidate,

so let's use him, okay?

Let's try to drum up
a little excitement.

You got it, Mike.

This is going to be like
an afternoon at the circus.

Nikki, Carter,
throw together
a focus group.

Let's find out what's on
the minds of these people.

Well, this is exciting.

Chance to see
democracy in action.

Allowing the citizens
to speak directly

to the people responsible
for governing them.

I'd like to be a part of that.

What?

No, nothing.
I've just never seen

this side of you before.

This was the side
that loved
The Lion King, right?

Hey, Professor Bronsteen.
Good morning.

Good morning, Michael.
I hope I didn't get
James here into any trouble.

I dragged him over
to the Regency for breakfast.

Mike, $11 for two eggs.

Back in Wisconsin, I once
bought a dozen eggs
for 60 cents.

There were four
double-yolkers.

I bet your family
still talks about that.

See you later, James.
Sure.

Jumping ship, egg boy?

What?

Kissing up to the new
public schools chancellor.

Go work under him.
Maybe leapfrog
a few positions.

Gamble he's a candidate
down the line.

Stuart, he was the dean
of students at Columbia.

When I showed up
freshman year,

I was this totally
unsophisticated geek.

And he told you it was okay
to be that way forever?

I just owe
a lot to that guy.

That's fine.
But you're in line behind me.

Remember that. You have
got to know your place.

Stewie, fetch us
another cup of coffee.

Chop-chop.
Chop-chop.

Now remember, let's try
to pump this up a little.

Mike, please,
I'm a master at this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Mayor.

What the hell was that?

What, are you kidding?
I killed out there.

Good morning.

Now, as you all know,
the retirement of

(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Raymond Rodriquez...

has left us
with very large shoes to fill.

But we feel confident
that we have found
a worthy successor.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
my nominee for the new
public schools chancellor

Joel Bronsteen.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Good morning, everybody.

I think I'm a familiar face
to most of you here,

and I understand
you've already received a copy

of my proposal
for curriculum reform.

So I don't really think I have
anything to add at this time.

(SARCASTICALLY)
Oh, boy.
This is exciting.

The conventional wisdom
is the public school system
is beyond repair.

Why would you want
to take this on?

(CHUCKLES)
That's very funny.

My wife asked me
that very same question
last night at dinner.

(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

Actually, I myself
am a product

of the New York
public school system.

And I can think of
no more worthy task

than restoring
that great institution

to its former glory.

Dr. Bronsteen, this morning
my station, Channel 10 news,

came into possession
of a videotape

of a Grateful Dead concert
from 1971

that shows you
smoking marijuana.

Do you have any comment?

As I recall,

it was an excellent show.

(MAYOR LAUGHS ALONE)

Yeah. Okay.

Didn't you guys do
a background check
on Bronsteen?

Yes, but wouldn't you know it,
no one ever thought
to ask the question

"Have you ever smoked
a doobie on film?"

Hi, I saw you on TV!

Katie Couric's
got nothing on you!

Oh, thank you, Roberta.

I just can't believe
the response I've gotten

from being on that show.

I mean, I have a byline
in the paper,

what, four, five times a week?

And then I'm on TV once
and I'm getting

phone calls from my parents,
old roommates...

Even my high-school
boyfriend called me.

That's a lot of calls.

And you won't believe this,

the local ABC affiliate
wants me

to audition today.

You should do that.
You'd be great.

What should I wear?
My pinstripe suit, maybe?

Uh, yeah, that'd be...
that'd be good.

I'll wear that
new blue dress I got?

Uh, yeah,
I like that one.

Or I could just go
as a pirate.

You know, eye patch...
sword, hook...

Yeah, that'd work.

(SIGHS)
Wait, did you say something
about a hook?

You caught me.

Sorry, honey. I'd... I'd love
to enjoy this with you,

but I just...
I can't stop thinking,

how do I keep the Mayor
from becoming a centerfold

in High Times magazine.

It's okay.
Just wish me luck.

Oh, luck?
You don't need luck.
You're gonna kill 'em.

Wait a minute.
What high school boyfriend?
(DOOR SHUTS)

James is waiting
in your office.

He's with
Professor Bronsteen.

I hope you put him
in the nonsmoking section.

Michael. I just wanted
to tell you

How sorry I am about
everything that has happened.

I mean, I didn't even
know a tape existed.

It was 25 years ago.
(SIGHS)

Yet on television,
it looks like yesterday.

Another miracle of videotape.

Now, Michael,
I know we're both
in a pretty tight spot here,

but if you're game,
I'm ready to fight this.

Oh, we're game.

In fact, I'll bet
we've already got a game plan.

Uh, yeah, there will be
a nice show of support.

We'll make a few calls.

We've even got
a few public service
announcements planned.

Public service
announcements?
Yeah, yeah, you know,

like, "Stay off drugs.

Take it from someone
who's been there."

We're still working on it.
I think I understand.

Joel.
Michael.

Don't you worry
about a thing, sir.

We're going to get going
on this thing right away.

Mike is a genius
at things like this.

I can tell.

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Man, that was great
seeing you guys together.

You two are, like,
the biggest influences
in my life...

and I'm embarrassing you.

Let me go get started
on these announcements.

Well, I've got one.

Bronsteen will put
a chicken in every pot...

And also put some pot
in every chicken.

Little joke there.

We're gonna do this.

(SIGHS)

Thanks, Mike.

You really are the best.

I do understand
the board of education's
position, ma'am,

but seriously, if you consider
the time frame involved

and the nature of
Professor Bronsteen's offense,

I mean, it's really...

It's really no worse
than a speeding ticket.

And... And we've all gotten
our share of speeding tickets,
right, ma'am?

Really?

Spotless record?

Congratulations.

Well, actually, it's more
like a parking ticket.

Not a one.

Wow. You do... You...
You drive a car, ma'am?

Okay. Great. Well,
what Professor Bronsteen did,

it's really a lot like...

Driving a car.

I really don't know
how, ma'am.

Why are you
still doing this?

It's a long story.

Mike, we've got a list
of ten other candidates,

All of them as qualified
as Bronsteen,

and I'll bet at least
seven of them
have never smoked pot.

Not on film anyway.

Hell, Jenkins is 85.

Worst case there,
he's addicted to Metamucil.

You are so sensitive, Stuart.

We ought to send you out
to the senior citizen's homes.

Hey, I'm just trying to help.
You have fun tonight.

Hey, Stuart?
Yeah.

Got a copy of that list?

I thought you'd never ask.

The Mayor's in
your office, Mike.

Nikki, we got the latest
approval ratings?

Right here, Mike.

No. This is a mistake.

These are
the disapproval ratings.

How bad can it be
this time? Oh...

Morning, sir.
This focus group report

you guys gave me
is ridiculous,

and I, for one,
am not going to pander

to the whims of
a few disgruntled... Hoo-ah.

But... but they want
to change my hair.

Nothing drastic, sir.

Just a slow, gradual fade
to a more youthful brown.

So it's about age.

Not age, sir.
Perception of age.

Look at Dick Clark.
Uh-huh.

Not a gray hair on his head,

and he's as popular today
as he was 100 years ago.

They don't like my gestures,
my cadence...

my height.

Are you sure
they have the right
Randall Winston here?

Actually, sir,
they prefer Randy.

Only two people in my life
have ever called me Randy.

My wife and my...

basketball coach.

Still rings in my ears.

"Hey, Randy,
go back door."

I'm guessing
that was your coach.

Look, sir, I know these seem
like superficial issues,

but you've seen the numbers,
and as crazy as it seems,

if we don't do something
to boost your public image,

everything we're
working towards
is in serious jeopardy.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me. Mike?
I'm sorry.

The press is on me
like locusts,

and every question's
about Bronsteen.

Did he inhale?
Did he exhale?

Did he roll his own,
or did he smoke it
out of a gong?

Please. Just consider
these suggestions.

Yeah, but too tall.
How do I work with that?

All right. Look,
this office
does not revolve

around one man's
adolescent indiscretions.

There are other
more positive things

we are focusing on here.

We're opening a new
subway station today.

James, do you have
that speech?

All right. Uh...

"As you shuffle down
into this gaping hole..."

"To be driven
into a dark abyss,

try not to be overwhelmed
by the insignificance
of your life."

Say, that's inspiring.

Sorry, Mike. I guess
I'm a little depressed.

Look, James, you can't let
this Bronsteen thing

affect your work.
Mike, this is
completely unfair.

We're letting a guy
get raked over the coals

for something that happened
over 20 years ago.

There's not a lot
we can do about it.

You said there'd be a show
of support for him.

Yes, yes,
a show of support.

Not actual support.

That's why
they call it a show.

You seen Cats?

Those are not real cats.

You're telling me you don't
feel the least bit guilty
about any of this?

Feel? I...

This is politics, James.
I receive.

I sense the mood
of the public,

I respond,
I shape it.

I don't have time to feel.

So that's the way it works?

That's the only way it works.

Mike, I lost you there
on "sense the mood
of the people."

How does that work?

MAN ON TV: Okay. Look at
the red light on the camera.

And action.

See that? You haven't
even said a word

and already I'm loving it.

MAN ON SET:
Action actually, please.

You still haven't said a word.

And yet, I'm still riveted.

You do eventually
speak, right?

Could I just get
some water, please?

Thank you.

Oh. Oops-a-daisy.

Okay.

I'm ready.

Uh...

Police today apprehend the...

Oh... I'm sorry...

Do I say
my name first or...

MAN ON SET: Cut!
No, I...

Hey.

Great.

Bravo. Bravo.

Uh, nice try, Mike.

No, no. Come on. There was
a rawness there. A humanity.

People want to watch the news
and they wanna say,

"Hey, I could do that too."

And you gave that to them.

You think I should try again?
They offered me
another audition.

They did?
Of course they did.

Yeah,
what do you think?

Well, I think that
you should do

what-whatever it is
you think you should do.

Come on.
I want your opinion.

Mine?

Do you see anyone else
in the room?

No.

I wish I did.

Okay. I-I think that...
(STUTTERING)

You-You should go for it.

Seriously, and I should
just pick up

and leave the job
at the paper that I love?

No. You know what? No.

No, you love that paper.

You should stay there
forever and ever.

Yeah, but if this is like
the greatest opportunity

of my life, you know?

(MOUTHS) Uh...

This is unbelievable.
You're not even trying.

What, are you kidding me?
I'm working my ass off here.

Mayor in yet
this morning, Janelle?

Not yet.

Listen, James,
I'm sorry about...

Don't even worry about it.
It's nothing.

Great.

Nice suit.
We have a problem
with the certificate

we're supposed to give
to the transit authority
employee of the month.

(SARCASTICALLY)
Problem? Us?
You got to be kidding.

They just arrested
the employee.

Apparently, he masterminded

a four million dollar token
laundering scheme.

How'd they catch him?

Uh, his wife
turned him in.

So now
it's the transit authority...

Spouse of the month.

My thought exactly.
Thanks.

You got that, Carter?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Mike, I need your help here.

Yeah. What you got?

Chief Nader. He says
the fire department

won't co-sponsor
the Mayor's neighborhood
safety program.

All right,
tell you what.

Rewrite the proposal.
Call it
the "Nader initiative."

Tell him we're willing
to let him take credit for it

as long as he stays
on the team.

Nader's a really sweet
old guy.

He's just concerned about
his own job security.

Yeah, well, he should be.

You tell him he keeps
yanking us on this thing,

he's going to find himself
out on the street.

The man's either with us
or against us. Period.

(STUART WHEEZING)

(IMITATING DARTH VADER)
Obi-Mike has taught you well,

but, Luke, I am your father.

T minus 30 minutes.

Mike, any change on
our position on Bronsteen?

No. No, we, uh, we still...
We got to let him go.

But, uh, we're going
to do it gently.

We're going to go
to bat for him.

We're going to highlight
His long and distinguished

career as an educator,
And you know, remember,

he's still a friend
of this administration.

Whoa. Whoa.

What're you talking about?
We got to dump this guy.

Excuse me?
Well...

I hate to interrupt
your little violin solo,

but in case
you haven't noticed,

we've been taking on water.

This guy Bronsteen's
just an anchor, Mike.

He's dragging us down.

James, look, I know
that's not how you feel
about the guy...

I'm sorry. Feel?

I thought we went
over this, Mike.

This is politics. We really
don't have time to feel.

What happened to old James?

I miss him.
I want him back.

(IMITATING DARTH VADER)
You can't have him back.

He's come over
to the dark side,

and together we shall rule
City Hall as father and son.

Hey, James.
What?

Easy, young Skywalker.

I come in peace.

Want a drink?
I'm buying.

Fine. I'll take
a rum and coke.

Since when do you drink rum?

Okay. Just a coke.

Two cokes, please.

Why don't you take off
your tie and relax a little?

Mike, I'm comfortable.

When was the last time
you wore one of those?

At my sister's wedding.

She's been married
several times.
I'm getting used to it.

Is this your first
real job, James?

Oh, God. Did you come over
here to fire me, Mike?

No. I usually do that sort
of thing over the phone.

I remember my first real job.

It was in the office
of this, uh,

this state senator
from Brooklyn.

My first day at work,

this little old lady comes in.

She's like, this big.

No. I swear to God.
I held her in the palm
of my hand the whole time.

Anyway, she's really mad
because she's got
this streetlight

outside her bedroom window,
and it keeps blinking.

"Blink, blink, blink
all night long.
It's driving me crazy."

So anyway,
she wants it fixed.

She doesn't care
if it's on or off.
She just, you know...

not with the blinking.

So what happened?

Oh, I don't remember.

That's a beautiful story.

My point is this, James.

Every morning in this city,
eight million people wake up,

They go to their faucets,
they turn them on,

They want to see clean,
clear, fresh water
coming out of there.

They want, you know,
safe streets,

they want clean subways,

they want
good football teams,

and when they don't get them,
they get mad.

And when they get mad,
they come to me.

Mike?

The water in my faucet
comes out brown.

This is what I'm saying.
So...

So if I were to take
all the brown water

and all the blinking lights...

If i were to take
all that personally,

I would probably
be very, very sad
most of the time.

But, Mike...

It's really, really brown.

James, take it up
with your super.

You don't have
any time to feel?

I get happy, sad,
and hungry.

Every once in a while
I'll let a little something
else slip through.

Bronsteen?

Maybe.

Mike, it's just
such a damn shame.

Well, James, you're going
to carry that pain with you

a lot longer than I am...

Because you're
different than me.

And, uh, that's ok.

Sometimes I wish, uh,
I was different from me.

Really?

(SLOWLY EXHALES)

Nah.

(GRATEFUL DEAD'S TRUCKIN'
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

ASHLEY: Look, Mike,
I know you're excited

that I got the job,
but this is ridiculous.

MIKE: Oh, come on, come on.
One more time.

Mike...
Please.

ASHLEY: No, that's enough.

MIKE: Ashley. Ashley.

ASHLEY:
You are sick, you know that?

There's something
very wrong with you.
MIKE: Mm-hmm.

ASHLEY: Oh, for God's sake.
All right.

This is Ashley Schaeffer
reporting live

for Channel 10 news.

Today police are investigating
the disappearance

of more than
two million dollars

in municipal funds

from a Nassau county
armor truck

MIKE: Oh, baby!