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1
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,812
Feet.
2
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,980
Feet!
3
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,850
No more feet!
4
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,260
Help me, please. No more feet!
5
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,962
No more feet!
6
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:37,765
Help me! Help!
7
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:39,934
Help!
8
00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:46,040
Feet! Feet!
9
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:49,043
Al, honey, wake up.
You're having a dream.
10
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,679
Oh, Peg. Thank God.
11
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:55,549
For the first time since the first time...
12
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,486
...I'm glad to see you in bed.
13
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:03,023
It was horrible, Peg.
There were feet everywhere.
14
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:05,459
Oh, poor baby.
15
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,261
Let me get you a glass of water.
16
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,440
Feet!
17
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:25,613
Al, are you having
that stupid foot dream again?
18
00:02:28,883 --> 00:02:31,385
Go for it, baby.
19
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:35,823
Go for it. Just touch anything!
20
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:40,060
Come on, Peg, haven't we had
enough sex in our lives?
21
00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,229
When does it get to be over?
22
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,398
When you're officially dead.
23
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,901
Now, get on!
24
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:55,609
Aren't my sleeping nightmares enough?
25
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:58,479
I haven't had a bit of sleep in two weeks.
26
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:00,514
There's feet. Feet everywhere.
27
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,384
I'm not going to work tomorrow.
There'll be feet there.
28
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,653
You are such a baby.
29
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:08,656
You know, I have to stare
up your nostrils all night long.
30
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:12,927
You don't see me waking up
screaming, "Hair! Hair!"
31
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:19,233
You know, if the toilet
was just a little bit bigger...
32
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,574
I've gotta calm myself down.
I'm gonna get a glass of water.
33
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,410
You can't do that, Al.
You'll disturb Marcie.
34
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,279
Why are you letting her stay here?
35
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,516
Because she's lonely,
she's our best friend...
36
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:38,252
...And she's giving us 25 bucks a week.
37
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,422
I thought you said ten.
38
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:46,193
Well, I meant I wish she was
giving us 25 bucks a week.
39
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,529
You know, so you could have some.
40
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:52,900
That's just great. I can't sleep, and I
can't go downstairs in my own house.
41
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,035
What am I supposed to do?
42
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,537
Well...
43
00:03:56,704 --> 00:04:01,842
...We could play "bring the Big Bad
Wolf over to this little Peggy."
44
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:06,180
You know, you'll huff, and I'll puff, and...
45
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,849
Well, that'll be about it.
46
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,686
I don't wanna!
47
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:16,156
Oh, save your whining till it's over.
48
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:22,630
It is your very essence I adore.
Your beauty overwhelms me.
49
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:26,166
Charles, take me. Now.
50
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,135
Yes, Charles, take her.
51
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:31,839
And when you're done, take me.
52
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,217
I wonder what it feels like
to be in someone's arms again.
53
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,887
Please, Peg, you're killing me!
54
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:58,499
Hey, Kelly, are you sure this is okay?
55
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:02,436
Because last time, your dad swung me
around the room by my earring.
56
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,473
That's just because you touched
his remote control. Don't worry.
57
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:27,461
Kelly, help! An old chick's got me!
58
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:30,864
You pig!
59
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,968
I'm out of here.
60
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,806
I get enough of this at home
from my mom's friends.
61
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,476
Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.
62
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:45,479
That was the third guy this week
I was truly in love with...
63
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,648
...That you messed up for me.
64
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:51,151
Kelly, sit down.
65
00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:56,623
See, I have this-- Well, this problem.
I mean, it's really very complicated.
66
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,860
You're a child. I probably shouldn't
be discussing it with you.
67
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,096
I doubt you'd even understand.
68
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:05,199
- Horny as a toad, huh?
- Bingo.
69
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:11,438
Look, Kelly, you're attractive,
in a cheap, tawdry sort of way.
70
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,807
What do I have to do to attract a man?
71
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:17,444
Well, the magazines say to try a new look.
72
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:21,215
You know, a new hairdo, new lipstick.
73
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,984
Pry that jug out of your mouth.
74
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,722
Well, and then there's this business
with your wedding ring.
75
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:32,993
I mean, a pretty woman
can get away with it, but...
76
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,063
I think I understand.
77
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,500
But I don't know.
78
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:42,469
It's just so hard for me to take it off.
79
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:46,073
It's like admitting to myself
that my marriage is really over.
80
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,775
Which it obviously is...
81
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:52,980
...And has been since wiener-neck
left in the night like a balding thief.
82
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:58,118
I should take it off, but I just can't.
It's too sacred to me.
83
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:01,355
Fine. Then we'll just get you a cat pole.
84
00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:06,093
It's off. There.
85
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:10,063
I've done it. Now I am truly free.
86
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,232
Why did it take me so long to realize...
87
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,868
...When a simpleton like you
knew what I had to do?
88
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:19,506
I feel great. I feel renewed.
89
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,009
I'm ready to fly.
90
00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:24,945
Yep. From this point on...
91
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,949
...Marcie Rhoades soars like an eagle.
92
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,685
"Simpleton"?
93
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,755
I know that means something bad.
94
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,093
Bud, what's a simpleton?
95
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:44,698
An idiot, a moron, dolt, dullard, cretin.
96
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,367
You know, someone
a little smarter than you.
97
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,338
Hey.
98
00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:53,907
Look at Mrs. Rhoades.
99
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:57,077
Isn't she cute? Peaceful as a baby.
100
00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:00,280
I want her so bad.
101
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,819
Well, maybe I can help you out.
102
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:10,190
I'm gonna let you in on some secret
woman stuff that no other man knows.
103
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,226
Oh, man!
104
00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:14,661
If anybody knows that I told you this...
105
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:18,732
...The sisterhood would strip me
of my PMS privileges.
106
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:26,173
Now, you see, Bud, when a woman sleeps...
107
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:30,510
...Her hormones accumulate, which
means that when she wakes up...
108
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,847
...She falls in love with
the first man that she sees.
109
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,217
Now, if she stands up
and she hasn't seen anyone...
110
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:42,823
...Her hormones will fall to her feet and
go down the drain when she showers.
111
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,494
Of course.
112
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:52,199
I've noticed that when they're
standing up, no girls like me.
113
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,534
But we won't give Mrs. Rhoades the chance.
114
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,872
Now, if I were you, I would sleep
here tonight on the couch.
115
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:04,778
That way, you're the first thing she
sees and the only thing she wants.
116
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,316
- What should I wear?
- Your love clothes.
117
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:12,953
You know, your cowboy jammies.
118
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:24,498
Your hormones. My jammies.
119
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:27,701
You don't stand a chance.
120
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,511
Feet!
121
00:09:37,678 --> 00:09:39,513
Feet!
122
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,482
No more feet!
123
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,527
Mrs. Rhoades!
124
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:08,675
Oh, great. Cherry-flavored Zit-Away.
125
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,780
Now we'll see who the simpleton is.
126
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,326
Oh, no.
127
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,367
Good morning, beloved.
128
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:44,304
Oh, no!
129
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,179
Oh, no. I couldn't have.
130
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,183
How was it?
131
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,351
I was great.
132
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:00,687
She wa--
133
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:03,056
Kel, I can't remember a thing.
134
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,893
Oh, wow. You know, they say
if a man can't remember anything...
135
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,596
...It's the best it'll ever be.
136
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:14,634
That's exactly what it was like!
137
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,736
There must be some sort of mistake.
138
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,073
Good morning.
139
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,343
My, you're up early.
140
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:25,779
- What's going on?
- Nothing. Nothing.
141
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,683
I'm late for home.
But nothing happened.
142
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,252
Nothing happened.
143
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,429
What's with her?
144
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,165
Too much of a good thing.
145
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,538
- Morning, son.
- Morning, Al.
146
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:05,418
But, Mom, I don't wanna work
in a shoe store.
147
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:09,723
Don't worry, Al.
Just think of it as a stepping stone.
148
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:14,294
Someday you'll be the president
of your own corporation.
149
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,096
Thanks, Mom.
150
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,698
You want your Bloody Mary now?
151
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:23,737
Yes, dear. And rub my feet.
152
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,077
Excuse me.
153
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,780
Are you alive?
154
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:44,724
No, I've died and gone to Switzerland.
155
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,129
I was wondering if you could
do me a favor.
156
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:52,465
No need to ask. The cash register's
right over there.
157
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,136
The car's in the parking lot.
Just step on me on your way out.
158
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,439
I would, but I'm here on business.
159
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,576
I was wondering, we need a place
to hold our pageant.
160
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:05,378
We'd like to use your store.
161
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,881
You can be a judge if you want.
162
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,483
Will...
163
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,986
Will you be a contestant?
164
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,623
Oh, no. I couldn't possibly
compete with these women.
165
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:22,495
Will you do it? Please?
166
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,665
Excuse me.
167
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:33,740
Yes! Thank you!
168
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:38,945
Out of the emptiness, the void that
is my life, I now can see the light!
169
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:42,649
I am alive!
170
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,261
I'll be there with boobs on.
171
00:14:54,961 --> 00:14:56,896
Bells.
172
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,840
Hey, you okay?
You seem awfully nervous.
173
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:10,677
Me, nervous? Don't be silly. I'm fine.
174
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:17,284
Listen, Peggy, I've gotta
ask you something.
175
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,521
Have you ever done anything
that you didn't remember the next day?
176
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,024
Well...
177
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,526
...Having the kids.
178
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:31,331
I mean, have you ever done anything
that you really regretted?
179
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,402
Having the kids.
180
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,778
Mother.
181
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,580
Mama.
182
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:21,281
Gee, what's with him?
183
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,783
I know.
184
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:27,253
I bet he has a little girlfriend.
185
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,099
Peg.
186
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,301
Peg leg.
187
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,010
Gee, you're in a good mood.
188
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,380
- What's wrong?
- What could be wrong?
189
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,849
The sun is shining.
The birds are singing.
190
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,284
I'm a shoe salesman.
191
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,687
I'm gonna go take a shower.
192
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,522
A shower?
193
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:05,058
In the middle of the week?
194
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,894
Now I know something's wrong.
195
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:12,098
Al, you don't even know where the soap is!
196
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,101
Well, babe...
197
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:19,205
...You look good.
I obviously agree with you.
198
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:22,909
Look, let's clear the air.
199
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,411
Nothing happened.
200
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:28,615
I am absolutely, positively sure
nothing happened...
201
00:17:28,782 --> 00:17:32,919
...But if it did, even though it didn't, I
don't want any rumors getting around.
202
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,422
A gentleman never tells.
203
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:39,626
Hey, Bud, is this the one?
204
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,329
Yup.
205
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,800
Say "young stuff."
206
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,936
- Way to go, Bud.
- Yeah. All right.
207
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,971
She's old.
208
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:56,009
You told your friends?
209
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,044
Like you haven't.
210
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,415
Look, babe...
211
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,851
...I know what you're feeling for me, but...
212
00:18:05,018 --> 00:18:09,489
...I think it might be healthier for us
to continue seeing other people.
213
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:13,493
I just hope I haven't ruined you
for all other men.
214
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,995
Oh, very nice.
215
00:18:16,162 --> 00:18:19,766
We have something special,
and now you just toss me asi--
216
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,836
Wait a second!
217
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:25,705
What am I talking about?
Nothing happened between us.
218
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:30,143
Nothing could happen between us.
Nothing ever will happen between us.
219
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:35,148
So that's it, huh?
Slam, bam, thank you, Bud?
220
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,553
- You used me.
- I used you?
221
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,723
You were the one who said
we should see other people.
222
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,028
I didn't mean to hurt you, babe.
223
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:53,533
But sometimes the best way to hold on
to something is to let it go.
224
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,537
Oh, bull. You're just like all the rest.
225
00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:00,240
It's the age thing, isn't it?
226
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,815
Look, let's not fight.
It cheapens the memory...
227
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,651
...Even though I don't remember anything.
228
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,054
But we'll always have whatever happened.
229
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,524
Which was nothing.
230
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:20,226
Whatever gets you through the night.
231
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,262
Friends?
232
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,497
Friends.
233
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:30,370
Would it be all right if a friend bought
another friend an ice cream cone?
234
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:33,473
Sure. Why not?
235
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:39,546
Oh, by the way, you are on the pill?
236
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:45,485
Oh, my God!
237
00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:01,167
Yeah, and I'm the simpleton.
238
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:05,738
Tricking them was as easy as
one, two, "C."
239
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:17,550
Al, taking a shower is more than
spraying your shirt with deodorant.
240
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,253
I wanna know where you're going
smelling like that.
241
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:24,757
Fine. I'll tell you,
but I don't want any crying.
242
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,962
I'm going to judge a beauty contest.
243
00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:32,532
Hundreds of beautiful women
will be hungering after me.
244
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,106
Where's the other judge
so we can start this?
245
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:42,308
I gotta get back to my hot dog stand.
246
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,911
Don't worry. Mr. Bundy will be here.
247
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,056
Let the games begin.
248
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,796
Excuse me, but do you know
how we're supposed to judge this?
249
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,833
Well, the way I look at it,
we give two points for talent...
250
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,168
...Two points for personality...
251
00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:12,038
...And 96 points for hooters.
252
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,576
- You're a pig.
- And you, sir, are a--
253
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,214
Oh, I'm sorry, madam.
I didn't know you were a woman.
254
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:23,816
Are you?
255
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,386
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
256
00:21:26,552 --> 00:21:28,821
Bring on the babes!
257
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:32,725
Yes, well, without further ado,
judges, please take your positions.
258
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:41,401
Hey, that's a great idea.
We can look up their dresses.
259
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:44,237
The gods have smiled on Al Bundy!
260
00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:53,112
And now, let us choose...
261
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:56,582
...Chicago's ugliest foot!
262
00:21:59,485 --> 00:22:01,821
Those aren't hooters.
263
00:22:03,056 --> 00:22:04,457
Those are feet!
264
00:22:04,624 --> 00:22:06,259
Feet!
265
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:08,761
There were feet everywhere.
266
00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:11,764
Just feet. Feet, I say! Feet!
267
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:14,434
It's all right now, Al.
268
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,438
Let mama make it all better.
269
00:22:18,805 --> 00:22:20,807
All right.
19799
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