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1
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,114
Bud, what do you think?
2
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:23,150
Will this look good
for my graduation picture?
3
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,120
I don't know, Kel.
4
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,422
If you really want people to remember you...
5
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,724
...You might wanna try this.
6
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:38,165
Now, we'll just add
a few fingerprints, and voilà.
7
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,835
Every man's memory.
8
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,272
Mom, I wanna look really good
for my graduation pictures.
9
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,942
Can I get a tattoo?
10
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:52,413
Kelly. Honey, we had this
tattoo talk when you were eight.
11
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:57,218
No tattoos above the waist for any
member of this family, young lady.
12
00:01:57,384 --> 00:02:00,754
Can't we learn from
Grandma's mistakes?
13
00:02:00,921 --> 00:02:05,726
Stuck at her age with "love" and "hate"
tattooed on her breasts.
14
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:07,895
Don't you think she feels silly...
15
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:11,665
...With those verbs
bouncing against her knees?
16
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,169
I'm sorry. I forgot.
17
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,604
How about a nose ring?
18
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:22,676
Honey, let me show you what
a yearbook picture should look like.
19
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,249
Now look what you've done.
20
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:31,018
We have to look through
the old folks' book again.
21
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:35,856
The worst part is when she sighs
when she opens it.
22
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:41,562
Oh, Bonnie Malone.
23
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:46,333
Now, here is a perfect example of what
not to do in a high school yearbook.
24
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,802
Pose with your baby.
25
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,941
Who's the hunk?
26
00:02:54,241 --> 00:02:56,944
That's your father.
27
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,282
What's that on his face?
28
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,517
A smile.
29
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:08,422
- Wow.
- Wow.
30
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:11,225
Daddy had hair.
31
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:15,696
And look, shoulders. Up here.
32
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,300
- Let's see your picture, Mom.
- Oh, okay.
33
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:24,905
- Oh, Mom.
- Oh, you were so pretty, Mom.
34
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,741
Wow. What happened?
35
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:32,446
It's been 60 years, Kel.
36
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,250
Oh, look at this.
37
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,687
My high school diploma. Still sealed.
38
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:42,990
Boy, I must have just stuck it
in here and forgot all about it.
39
00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,259
Now, Kelly, I want you to look at this.
40
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:48,596
Because one day you'll have
a beautiful diploma just like this...
41
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,731
...That reads:
42
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,635
"Report for summer school.
43
00:03:57,104 --> 00:04:03,477
You must complete one half credit
more before you qualify for a diploma."
44
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,382
Mom never graduated from high school?
45
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,517
She's a dropout.
46
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,487
A functional illegitimate.
47
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,958
Illiterate, Kel.
48
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,996
No, her parents were married.
49
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,934
Oh, well, that's your father.
50
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:31,472
Let's not tell him about this.
He may not understand like you do.
51
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,044
Family, the greatest thing happened.
52
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:41,482
The cash register at the store
closed out 20 cents over.
53
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:45,019
Guess whose pocket that went into?
54
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,491
Quite a genetic sandwich, eh, Kel?
55
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,060
Hey, the old high school yearbook.
56
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,130
Seems like just the other day
your mother and I graduated.
57
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,702
And soon my little
Pumpkin'll graduate.
58
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:05,639
And next year, Bud.
Bud'll go off to college one day.
59
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,142
You're gonna be
the smartest Bundy yet, son.
60
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:11,512
So I guess I'll be the second-smartest.
61
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,181
Of course, Peg'll be third.
62
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,183
Kelly, well...
63
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,520
No. Not me. I'm third.
64
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:23,190
It may take me five or six years,
but at least I'm gonna graduate.
65
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,495
What do you mean, Kelly?
66
00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:34,835
Family TV hour, Buck!
67
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,204
Now, let's see what's on TV.
68
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,707
Hey, here's a good show for you, Peg.
69
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,609
"Goober.
70
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:49,550
Goober goes to town."
71
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,555
Go ahead, Peg.
You try to read the rest.
72
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:59,526
How about this one?
How about some math, Mom?
73
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,730
How many fingers am I holding up?
74
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,966
Yeah, yeah, Mom. Answer this one.
75
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:13,006
Oh, well, it doesn't matter.
At least, I'm not the stupidest.
76
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:16,243
Kids, come with me.
I wanna show you something.
77
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:19,713
It's the only one of its kind
in the house.
78
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,049
My high school diploma.
79
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,422
Kelly, pretty soon you'll have one.
Then, Bud, you'll have one.
80
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:31,692
And then, well, that's all.
81
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,262
Oh, wait a minute. That's not fair.
82
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,799
Buck graduated obedience school.
See.
83
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,834
Here's his diploma.
84
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:45,272
So see, Peg, you're, kind of,
fifth-smartest.
85
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:48,075
I am not dumber than the dog.
86
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:49,743
Oh, yeah?
87
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,146
Well, let's just see about that.
88
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,549
Buck, get off the couch.
89
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,153
When was the last time you did that?
90
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:03,791
- That was good, Dad.
- That's a good one, Dad.
91
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:07,561
Okay, look, kids, I'm gonna go
to the store and get some dinner.
92
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,763
Hey, I know.
How about alphabet soup?
93
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,800
That way you can eat and learn.
94
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,606
All right, that does it.
95
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,810
I'm gonna find out just why
I didn't graduate here.
96
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,912
You know, Margie thinks she's so cool...
97
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:27,080
...Because her mom has a plate in her head.
98
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:30,818
I cannot wait to see her face when we
tell her our mom's a dropout. Yeah.
99
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:36,123
Okay. I see the problem.
100
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:41,628
It seems that I failed one stupid,
useless class my senior year.
101
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,864
What'd you fail, Mom?
102
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:46,200
Home Economics.
103
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:50,304
Gee, what a shock.
104
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,307
Are you gonna make up the class?
105
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:56,076
Are you kidding?
I can't spare the time.
106
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:59,580
The Battle of The Luckiest
Men Alive is on TV this week.
107
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:04,718
This week, Gavin MacLeod
squares off with Joe Piscopo.
108
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,356
Peg, I want to introduce you
to someone who proves...
109
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,993
...You don't need a high school
diploma to be important.
110
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,895
Sir?
111
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,199
Change?
112
00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:27,674
All right, everybody, be seated.
113
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,280
Today we will review for our final exam.
114
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:36,884
But first, I would like to say
that it has been a delight...
115
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:42,756
...To see you change from innocent
freshmen to the leaders of tomorrow.
116
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,792
Will someone please wake up Miss Bundy?
117
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,328
The dog ate my homework.
118
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:52,332
Miss Bundy, why can't you
be more like Ruben?
119
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:58,972
Well, we both like boys.
120
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,947
Class, today a new student
will be joining us.
121
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:10,717
Because of her life experience,
she will only have to take the final.
122
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,954
No, it couldn't be.
123
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:17,824
Of all the Home Ec classes in
all the schools in all the world...
124
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,729
...She has to walk into mine.
125
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,332
Hi, everybody. Am I late?
126
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,201
Yeah, about 20 years.
127
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,271
Please take a seat, Miss Wanker.
128
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:37,210
Move it or lose it, girlie.
129
00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:45,385
All right, class.
Today we will be discussing...
130
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,321
Who is smoking?
131
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,430
Hey, Kelly, are you up for
vandalizing the graveyard tonight?
132
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:01,668
No, Susan, that would be wrong.
133
00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:07,908
And now, let's just bone up a bit
before our final exam assignments.
134
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:11,778
How would one prepare cinnamon toast?
135
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:21,421
Then, voilà, we garnish and serve.
136
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:27,361
- That was magnificent.
- Thank you.
137
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:36,903
Now is the time for each of you
to take one assignment card...
138
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:41,108
...From my Home Ec bag o' challenges.
139
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:46,346
If someone would please wake up
Miss Bundy and Miss Wanker.
140
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:50,217
- The dog ate my homework!
- The dog ate my homework!
141
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:54,821
Anyhow, written on every card
is the name of a dish...
142
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:59,359
...That you must prepare tonight and
turn in for your final grade tomorrow.
143
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:04,331
And then later that day,
my cats and I will eat it all.
144
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,868
Okay, line up and pull.
145
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,910
"Sliced peaches."
146
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,213
"Carrot sticks."
147
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,352
"Cinnamon toast."
148
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,859
"Jell-O"?
149
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,362
Oh, no.
150
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:40,233
Well, this isn't very hard.
151
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,873
"Crowned rack of lamb"?
152
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,949
"Add hot water."
153
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,384
Oh, great.
154
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:01,288
Where am I gonna get hot water
at this time of night?
155
00:12:01,455 --> 00:12:03,390
Honey, I don't know.
156
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:07,828
Just use cold. It comes
right out of the faucet.
157
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:10,897
"Crowned rack of lamb."
158
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,600
Gee, it looks nothing like the picture.
159
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:17,070
Yeah, neither does mine. Look.
160
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,573
I need a break.
161
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,276
Hi, Buck.
162
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:26,046
"Dumber than the dog."
163
00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:30,250
Let's see. What channel
is Wheel of Fortune on?
164
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:32,786
It's seven.
165
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:36,490
Just like yesterday and the day before.
166
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:41,394
Oh, it's seven. I thought it was seven.
167
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,866
Yeah, right.
168
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,606
Anything for dinner, Peg?
169
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,075
Get a wife.
170
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,915
What a day.
171
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:06,553
It was Born Before 1900 Day
at the shoe store.
172
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:11,658
There were some feet so wrinkled, you
could've made a third foot out of them.
173
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:15,829
I truly, truly want to die.
174
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:19,266
But at least I have a high school diploma.
175
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,034
You staying up, Peg?
176
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,936
- Yes.
- No reason for me to, then.
177
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,606
Good night.
178
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:33,580
Peggy. There I was, alone in
my bedroom, in my nightgown.
179
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,151
I had just put in a videocassette
and was really ready to...
180
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,954
...Do my taxes...
181
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:44,958
...When I noticed an insect
pressed against my bedroom window.
182
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,228
Perhaps you might be able to identify it.
183
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,269
Now, I want an apology.
184
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:58,605
Relax, babe.
185
00:13:58,905 --> 00:14:01,741
You're a woman, I'm a man.
186
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:05,645
If you didn't want me up there, you
wouldn't have the ladder in the garage.
187
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:10,250
- Peggy.
- Bud, you must be punished.
188
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,653
No school for you tomorrow, young man.
189
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,893
He'll learn.
190
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,661
He'll learn.
191
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:24,698
Well, I didn't mean to get him
in this much trouble.
192
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:28,134
Well, I guess I'll just go back
and try to get in the mood to...
193
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,703
...Do my taxes.
194
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:33,273
Marcie, wait a minute.
We need your help.
195
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,076
Kelly and I need some cooking tips.
196
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:40,747
Yeah. I'm in a lot of trouble,
Mrs. Rhoades. I have to cook Jell-O.
197
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:44,251
- It's for Home Ec class.
- Home Ec?
198
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,220
I remember Home Ec.
199
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,723
Oh, no.
200
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,492
What door have we opened?
201
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,494
It was my favorite class.
202
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:58,498
I got an A-plus-plus on my final.
Lemon meringue pie.
203
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,334
Oh, what an experience it was.
204
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,603
My first, you know.
205
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,773
Kneading the dough till it was ready.
206
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,609
And I was all sweaty.
207
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:12,045
Then came my filling.
208
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:18,385
Stirring and stirring over a pulsing heat.
209
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:22,055
Don't bring it to a boil too fast,
whatever you do.
210
00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:25,091
Slow, then fast.
211
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:28,228
Slow, then fast...
212
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:31,064
...Till it starts to rise...
213
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,599
...Rise...
214
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,302
...Rise!
215
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:42,108
Oh, God, my taxes!
216
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:56,256
Why didn't I get meringue pie?
217
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:59,225
Well, honey, we may as well face it.
218
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,895
No one is going to help us.
219
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:06,032
It's just you and I against the kitchen.
220
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:09,836
I'm going in.
221
00:17:32,786 --> 00:17:35,522
We did it. We did it.
222
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,824
We-- We really did it.
223
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,234
How many hours to sleep before school?
224
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,537
Two and a half.
225
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:53,873
Well, at least I only have to
stay awake for one class.
226
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,242
Yeah. Me, too.
227
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,145
Let's go.
228
00:18:07,821 --> 00:18:11,157
I can't sleep with
that damn woman in my bed.
229
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:17,197
God, I'm starving.
230
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,868
Never anything in the fridge.
231
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:03,610
Oh, God. Seven-thirty in the morning,
and I'm up.
232
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,945
This is inhuman.
233
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:09,215
Gee, maybe Mommy'll make us breakfast.
234
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,286
That's me.
235
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,757
Oh, no.
236
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,327
He didn't.
237
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,570
Yep. He did.
238
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,705
Wake up, you moron.
239
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:36,042
You ate my final exam.
240
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,813
You didn't eat my Jell-O, did you, Daddy?
241
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:46,419
- It's all right, honey. It's here.
- Oh, thank God.
242
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,887
What are you gonna do, Mom?
243
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,756
I don't know.
244
00:19:49,923 --> 00:19:52,025
There's not time to make another one.
245
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:54,327
Maybe Miss Beyer will understand.
246
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:01,034
Well, I don't want to be
dumber than the dog.
247
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,538
Oh, well. It's just a stupid
piece of paper.
248
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,875
Who needs a diploma?
Means nothing at all.
249
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:12,045
I'll just go there and face the music.
250
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,493
Excellent. A-minus.
251
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,364
Nice. B-plus.
252
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:35,435
Ruben. A-plus.
253
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:39,072
Miss Wanker. Your card, please.
254
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,475
"Jell-O."
255
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:47,280
Excellent. A-minus.
256
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,082
Hey, Ma.
257
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,917
Miss Bundy, your card.
258
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:53,820
Oh. I have one for her.
259
00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:56,623
"Crowned rack of lamb."
260
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,393
Hey.
261
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,630
Hey!
262
00:21:06,065 --> 00:21:09,402
Oh, Kelly, this is the
happiest moment of my life.
263
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,437
I finally got a diploma.
264
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,807
I'm so glad you're here
to share this moment with me.
265
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:18,945
Yeah, I'll remember it fondly while
sweating through summer school.
266
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:22,582
Why'd you do it, Mom?
Why'd you take my Jell-O?
267
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:26,552
Oh, honey, don't you understand?
268
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:28,955
I did it for you.
269
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:33,593
Sweetie, this is your last summer
as my little girl.
270
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,328
Now, if I'd let you graduate...
271
00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:37,930
...Your father would have you
work the whole summer.
272
00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:41,134
That would mean no beach, no shopping...
273
00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:44,070
...No vandalizing.
274
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:48,841
This way, all you have to do is
spend one hour a day in class...
275
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:53,513
...And the rest of the time is summertime.
276
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,717
So, Kelly, just think of this
as my graduation present to you.
277
00:21:57,884 --> 00:21:59,852
Oh, thank you, Mom.
278
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:02,055
You're the best.
279
00:22:06,726 --> 00:22:08,795
Come on, it's time
for graduation pictures.
280
00:22:08,961 --> 00:22:11,397
- Gotta go.
- Okay.
281
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:15,568
Oh, man. I'm gonna go to school
during the summer.
282
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:21,140
Hey.
283
00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:23,810
Hey!
20820
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