Original subtitles

Bud, what do you think?

Will this look good for my graduation picture?

I don't know, Kel.

If you really want people to remember you...

...You might wanna try this.

Now, we'll just add a few fingerprints, and voilà.

Every man's memory.

Mom, I wanna look really good for my graduation pictures.

Can I get a tattoo?

Kelly. Honey, we had this tattoo talk when you were eight.

No tattoos above the waist for any member of this family, young lady.

Can't we learn from Grandma's mistakes?

Stuck at her age with "love" and "hate" tattooed on her breasts.

Don't you think she feels silly...

...With those verbs bouncing against her knees?

I'm sorry. I forgot.

How about a nose ring?

Honey, let me show you what a yearbook picture should look like.

Now look what you've done.

We have to look through the old folks' book again.

The worst part is when she sighs when she opens it.

Oh, Bonnie Malone.

Now, here is a perfect example of what not to do in a high school yearbook.

Pose with your baby.

Who's the hunk?

That's your father.

What's that on his face?

A smile.

- Wow. - Wow.

Daddy had hair.

And look, shoulders. Up here.

- Let's see your picture, Mom. - Oh, okay.

- Oh, Mom. - Oh, you were so pretty, Mom.

Wow. What happened?

It's been 60 years, Kel.

Oh, look at this.

My high school diploma. Still sealed.

Boy, I must have just stuck it in here and forgot all about it.

Now, Kelly, I want you to look at this.

Because one day you'll have a beautiful diploma just like this...

...That reads:

"Report for summer school.

You must complete one half credit more before you qualify for a diploma."

Mom never graduated from high school?

She's a dropout.

A functional illegitimate.

Illiterate, Kel.

No, her parents were married.

Oh, well, that's your father.

Let's not tell him about this. He may not understand like you do.

Family, the greatest thing happened.

The cash register at the store closed out 20 cents over.

Guess whose pocket that went into?

Quite a genetic sandwich, eh, Kel?

Hey, the old high school yearbook.

Seems like just the other day your mother and I graduated.

And soon my little Pumpkin'll graduate.

And next year, Bud. Bud'll go off to college one day.

You're gonna be the smartest Bundy yet, son.

So I guess I'll be the second-smartest.

Of course, Peg'll be third.

Kelly, well...

No. Not me. I'm third.

It may take me five or six years, but at least I'm gonna graduate.

What do you mean, Kelly?

Family TV hour, Buck!

Now, let's see what's on TV.

Hey, here's a good show for you, Peg.

"Goober.

Goober goes to town."

Go ahead, Peg. You try to read the rest.

How about this one? How about some math, Mom?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Yeah, yeah, Mom. Answer this one.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter. At least, I'm not the stupidest.

Kids, come with me. I wanna show you something.

It's the only one of its kind in the house.

My high school diploma.

Kelly, pretty soon you'll have one. Then, Bud, you'll have one.

And then, well, that's all.

Oh, wait a minute. That's not fair.

Buck graduated obedience school. See.

Here's his diploma.

So see, Peg, you're, kind of, fifth-smartest.

I am not dumber than the dog.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's just see about that.

Buck, get off the couch.

When was the last time you did that?

- That was good, Dad. - That's a good one, Dad.

Okay, look, kids, I'm gonna go to the store and get some dinner.

Hey, I know. How about alphabet soup?

That way you can eat and learn.

All right, that does it.

I'm gonna find out just why I didn't graduate here.

You know, Margie thinks she's so cool...

...Because her mom has a plate in her head.

I cannot wait to see her face when we tell her our mom's a dropout. Yeah.

Okay. I see the problem.

It seems that I failed one stupid, useless class my senior year.

What'd you fail, Mom?

Home Economics.

Gee, what a shock.

Are you gonna make up the class?

Are you kidding? I can't spare the time.

The Battle of The Luckiest Men Alive is on TV this week.

This week, Gavin MacLeod squares off with Joe Piscopo.

Peg, I want to introduce you to someone who proves...

...You don't need a high school diploma to be important.

Sir?

Change?

All right, everybody, be seated.

Today we will review for our final exam.

But first, I would like to say that it has been a delight...

...To see you change from innocent freshmen to the leaders of tomorrow.

Will someone please wake up Miss Bundy?

The dog ate my homework.

Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Ruben?

Well, we both like boys.

Class, today a new student will be joining us.

Because of her life experience, she will only have to take the final.

No, it couldn't be.

Of all the Home Ec classes in all the schools in all the world...

...She has to walk into mine.

Hi, everybody. Am I late?

Yeah, about 20 years.

Please take a seat, Miss Wanker.

Move it or lose it, girlie.

All right, class. Today we will be discussing...

Who is smoking?

Hey, Kelly, are you up for vandalizing the graveyard tonight?

No, Susan, that would be wrong.

And now, let's just bone up a bit before our final exam assignments.

How would one prepare cinnamon toast?

Then, voilà, we garnish and serve.

- That was magnificent. - Thank you.

Now is the time for each of you to take one assignment card...

...From my Home Ec bag o' challenges.

If someone would please wake up Miss Bundy and Miss Wanker.

- The dog ate my homework! - The dog ate my homework!

Anyhow, written on every card is the name of a dish...

...That you must prepare tonight and turn in for your final grade tomorrow.

And then later that day, my cats and I will eat it all.

Okay, line up and pull.

"Sliced peaches."

"Carrot sticks."

"Cinnamon toast."

"Jell-O"?

Oh, no.

Well, this isn't very hard.

"Crowned rack of lamb"?

"Add hot water."

Oh, great.

Where am I gonna get hot water at this time of night?

Honey, I don't know.

Just use cold. It comes right out of the faucet.

"Crowned rack of lamb."

Gee, it looks nothing like the picture.

Yeah, neither does mine. Look.

I need a break.

Hi, Buck.

"Dumber than the dog."

Let's see. What channel is Wheel of Fortune on?

It's seven.

Just like yesterday and the day before.

Oh, it's seven. I thought it was seven.

Yeah, right.

Anything for dinner, Peg?

Get a wife.

What a day.

It was Born Before 1900 Day at the shoe store.

There were some feet so wrinkled, you could've made a third foot out of them.

I truly, truly want to die.

But at least I have a high school diploma.

You staying up, Peg?

- Yes. - No reason for me to, then.

Good night.

Peggy. There I was, alone in my bedroom, in my nightgown.

I had just put in a videocassette and was really ready to...

...Do my taxes...

...When I noticed an insect pressed against my bedroom window.

Perhaps you might be able to identify it.

Now, I want an apology.

Relax, babe.

You're a woman, I'm a man.

If you didn't want me up there, you wouldn't have the ladder in the garage.

- Peggy. - Bud, you must be punished.

No school for you tomorrow, young man.

He'll learn.

He'll learn.

Well, I didn't mean to get him in this much trouble.

Well, I guess I'll just go back and try to get in the mood to...

...Do my taxes.

Marcie, wait a minute. We need your help.

Kelly and I need some cooking tips.

Yeah. I'm in a lot of trouble, Mrs. Rhoades. I have to cook Jell-O.

- It's for Home Ec class. - Home Ec?

I remember Home Ec.

Oh, no.

What door have we opened?

It was my favorite class.

I got an A-plus-plus on my final. Lemon meringue pie.

Oh, what an experience it was.

My first, you know.

Kneading the dough till it was ready.

And I was all sweaty.

Then came my filling.

Stirring and stirring over a pulsing heat.

Don't bring it to a boil too fast, whatever you do.

Slow, then fast.

Slow, then fast...

...Till it starts to rise...

...Rise...

...Rise!

Oh, God, my taxes!

Why didn't I get meringue pie?

Well, honey, we may as well face it.

No one is going to help us.

It's just you and I against the kitchen.

I'm going in.

We did it. We did it.

We-- We really did it.

How many hours to sleep before school?

Two and a half.

Well, at least I only have to stay awake for one class.

Yeah. Me, too.

Let's go.

I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed.

God, I'm starving.

Never anything in the fridge.

Oh, God. Seven-thirty in the morning, and I'm up.

This is inhuman.

Gee, maybe Mommy'll make us breakfast.

That's me.

Oh, no.

He didn't.

Yep. He did.

Wake up, you moron.

You ate my final exam.

You didn't eat my Jell-O, did you, Daddy?

- It's all right, honey. It's here. - Oh, thank God.

What are you gonna do, Mom?

I don't know.

There's not time to make another one.

Maybe Miss Beyer will understand.

Well, I don't want to be dumber than the dog.

Oh, well. It's just a stupid piece of paper.

Who needs a diploma? Means nothing at all.

I'll just go there and face the music.

Excellent. A-minus.

Nice. B-plus.

Ruben. A-plus.

Miss Wanker. Your card, please.

"Jell-O."

Excellent. A-minus.

Hey, Ma.

Miss Bundy, your card.

Oh. I have one for her.

"Crowned rack of lamb."

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, Kelly, this is the happiest moment of my life.

I finally got a diploma.

I'm so glad you're here to share this moment with me.

Yeah, I'll remember it fondly while sweating through summer school.

Why'd you do it, Mom? Why'd you take my Jell-O?

Oh, honey, don't you understand?

I did it for you.

Sweetie, this is your last summer as my little girl.

Now, if I'd let you graduate...

...Your father would have you work the whole summer.

That would mean no beach, no shopping...

...No vandalizing.

This way, all you have to do is spend one hour a day in class...

...And the rest of the time is summertime.

So, Kelly, just think of this as my graduation present to you.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

You're the best.

Come on, it's time for graduation pictures.

- Gotta go. - Okay.

Oh, man. I'm gonna go to school during the summer.

Hey.

Hey!