Original subtitles

- All right. Are the doors locked? - Check.

- Windows bolted? - Check.

- Car disabled? - Check.

Good boy, Bud. There is no way your daddy's getting out of here...

- ...This allowance day. - Where is he?

That's him. Take your positions.

- There he is. - There he is.

- Come back here. - Dad.

- Give us our money! - Come on.

- Give me that money! - Get off me!

Back, you savages. Back!

All right, here's your stinking allowance.

Another Hallmark moment.

Peggy, what are you doing?

It's allowance day.

Allowance day?

Al, you are a pig.

How dare you make them grovel like this.

Al, Kelly had her hand on a quarter that I wanted.

Prove it.

- Open up. I know it's in there. - No, it's not in there! No! No!

This is a disgrace, even for you.

Groveling on the floor for-- Oh, look.

See a penny, pick it up, All the day, you'll have--

Excuse me!

But I believe the rest of that money you took was in my pockets.

Prove it.

You see how barbaric this allowance idea is, Al?

Look at them.

These were once human beings.

Now, I think you would all feel better about yourselves if you all got jobs.

Now, that would hurt this man. Tear him apart.

He's the wage earner, and that's how it's gonna stay, eh, big fella?

Yeah. We love him.

You know, Marcie just gave me an idea. Two, actually.

One, I want to have chicken for dinner tonight.

And two, I'm discontinuing your allowance.

Kelly, it's not right to stomp on adults.

Besides, it wouldn't hurt you to earn your own keep.

Well, you're included in this too, Peg.

Then it's settled. Today will be Bundy dollar day.

Each one of you will go out and try to earn one lousy, stinking dollar...

...To see what it's like. How does that sound?

- No way. Forget it. - Try it on your other family.

I think it's a great idea, Al. But what they need is incentive.

So, what Al is going to do is match anything you make.

- Double it, dollar for dollar. - Wait, if I double it...

...That could get into serious money. These three could make...

What the hell. I'll triple it!

How many cups in two cups?

How would I know?

Bud, why do people keep on giving you quarters?

It's not important, Kel. What is important is that it's too slow.

- Now, we've got to get you a job. - A job? Me?

God did not create this package to work.

Well, he didn't create it to be used as a serving tray at a bikers' party either.

Just relax, Bimbelina.

Hey, here's a likely prospect for you.

"Totally, completely, utterly nude."

Oh, so, what would I be doing?

You're right. We'll keep looking until we find:

"Totally, completely, utterly stupid."

Hey, look. The Gutter Cats are in town.

- They're making a rock video here. - The Gutter Cats?

Oh, man, if I could pick one group to have my baby, it would be them.

Just sit back and move your lips while you listen.

"Slutty girls needed for meaningful music video."

Kelly, go get changed into your sleaziest dress.

Which one?

The one Dad calls your belt.

Bud, I want this so bad. What if I'm not slutty enough? I'd die.

Not slutty enough? Baby, you've got tramp written all over your face.

Thanks, Bud. Do you really think I have a chance?

What if those other girls are prettier than I am?

Not a chance. I mean, come on, look at them--

Get yourself a Milk-Bone.

Look, you're my agent.

Get me the job and earn your 80 percent.

Hey, Cecil, phone call for you.

I'll see what I can do, Kel.

Hello, ladies.

I'm Bud Jagger-Richards...

...The power behind the band. Now, as you all know...

...We're doing a rock video here.

One that will set a new standard of excellence in the video realm.

So how many of you have high moral values?

You are dismissed.

And you call yourselves sluts.

Alrighty. Now...

...We're going to ask you girls to do some things in this video...

...That may not seem humanly possible.

So I'd like to start by having a little pre-audition audition.

So, miss...

...Would this offend you?

That's disgusting.

- Next. - Damn.

My dear, would you be offended if perhaps you were asked to...?

No, I wouldn't.

Are you sure you heard me right?

Very sure.

Hold my calls.

Hi. What part are you here for?

Slutty girl.

Me too.

The others left because they didn't want their hair ripped out by the roots.

It grows back.

You know, there's reading required for this job.

I can read.

Shoot.

Change?

I'll be right with you.

You see that guy over there? That's the drummer.

He likes you. He says ten minutes with him, you've got the part.

Well, I've done worse.

Oh, man, we're gonna look at sluts.

They're not sluts. They're ladies.

Okay, which ladies are here for the slut?

One slut? That's all we get?

- I thought we were famous. - What he means is, you got the part.

Okay, Miss Fisher, for $500...

...What occupation do most Americans feel is the lowest a man can have?

Shoe salesman?

That's the one!

Does this belong to you?

Yeah. Only a few more payments.

What did you do this time, Peg?

Well, I was trying to earn money, like you said.

So I set up a tollbooth of my very own in a good location.

At the airport.

They already got a tollbooth at the airport.

Yeah, but mine's cheaper.

- How much is the fine? - Two hundred dollars.

But because this is her first offense...

...And obviously all your money is tied up in despair...

- ...I'm gonna let her off with a warning. - Oh, that's nice.

Well, Al, maybe now you can get rid of that bumper sticker that says:

"Support higher education. Send a cop to first grade."

Ma'am, would that be the illegally parked vehicle...

...With the broken taillight?

Yes. But you can't give him a ticket, because his registration is expired.

So there.

Now, I'll just go out and take care of that bumper sticker for you.

Thank you, officer.

What a lousy shot.

That bumper sticker was nowhere near your back window.

- Can I have my allowance now, Al? - No.

Look, Peg, I'm not asking for the impossible: a quick, painless death.

All I want you to do is earn one lousy dollar.

Find something you do best and get someone to pay you for it.

Okay.

How about giving me $100 for sex tonight?

That's only $50 a minute, Al.

Peg, I forgot to tell you it has to be something someone wants.

Well, you know, I'm sure that the early cavemen...

...Didn't want fire either until they got over their fear of it.

Peg, you're qualified for lots of things.

Spirit squasher...

...Hope dasher...

...Age accelerator.

That's enough, thank you. You know, I should be paid plenty...

...For the dangers I face around this house.

You think your underwear just stops dancing all on its own?

I stalk it, I club it...

...I trick it into the hamper!

You try doing that once a week...

...And see if you don't deserve hazard pay.

Peg, I'd probably be more appreciative if you waited till I took them off first.

Now, there must be something you can do to earn a lousy dollar.

Oh, all right, Al.

I'll just have to concentrate.

- Just give me a hug for good luck. - All right.

Don't even think about it.

Earn this. Cook that. Don't steal.

Boy, talk about the bloom being off the rose.

- The fight on yet, Al? - Coming on any minute.

Finally, on the lighter side of the news...

...The rock group the Gutter Cats are in town to tape their new video.

Auditions for the role of rock slut were held earlier today.

Yummy, yummy.

Eager young women came from as far as Bloomfield Hills, Michigan...

...To give their all for the Gutter Cats.

Oh, man. Look what it looks like before you marry it.

I'm telling you, Al, rock is where it's at.

Did I tell you I was in a rock band? Even had a cool name: The Tuxedos.

Steve, I'm trying to watch the girls.

Gradually, I split from the group. Creative differences.

Well, actually, not enough parts for my instrument.

But you haven't lived till you heard my solo on "Grazing in the Grass."

My sousaphone wailing, the crowd on their feet.

- Steve, shut up, will you? - Okay, but it's a good story.

Hey, look at that blond all over the singer like a coat.

Oh, boy, I'd like to give her a--

Oops, sorry, Al. That's your daughter.

Kelly, stop that! Stop that, Kelly!

Hang on, pumpkin. Daddy's coming. I'll be right there.

Stay there, pumpkin! Daddy's coming!

Gutter Cats video. Take one.

One, two, three.

Where's the girl? Cue the girl.

The singer. You're supposed to dance with the singer.

But I like him better.

Cut! Cut!

Cue the girl.

Hey! Hey, this box was in my way.

Cut!

Gutter Cats video. Take 56.

- Action. - One, two, three.

Cue the girl.

To the right.

Your other right.

- And don't look at the camera. - I'm not.

Cut!

She stinks.

Who cares?

Okay. We'll give her another chance.

There's gotta be something she can do.

Where's my little baby?

Where's my little baby? Where's my girl?

Hi, Daddy. Look, I'm in a video.

Cut. Cut.

- What do you want? - Your liver on a stick.

That's my little girl up there. Kelly, get down!

Daddy, I'm tied up.

Why can't you be more like your brother?

Boy, am I beat.

Hi, Dad. I'm engaged.

Good. I'll move into your room.

Untie your sister. We're getting out of here.

- Say, you can't take the girl. - Gee, that's funny. I think I can.

Dad, I'm sorry, but as Kelly's agent, I'm gonna have to pull rank here.

Bud, your shirt's on backwards.

You may have sweet-talked a couple of innocent kids into doing this trash...

...But now you're talking to a man. And there's no way, nohow--

Say, you know, you've got a strong profile.

I bet you'd look good on camera.

You're not the first to have told me that.

Not sissy good looks, but ruggedly handsome, huh?

Yeah. Right?

- Great. - Super.

Could somebody get me down from here?

Quiet, pumpkin. Daddy's talking to the band.

Say, how would you like to be in our video?

- Me? - Yeah.

But I'm just a regular guy.

A great-looking one, played a little ball, almost went pro but...

What I really am is just a father who loves his children.

- Daddy. - Shut up.

- How much are we talking about? - Three thousand dollars.

- What do I have to do? - Just sit in the car, look cool...

...And we'll handle the rest.

Guys, could somebody please get me down from here?

Guys.

Boy, I hate this. This is the second time this week...

...Somebody has chained me to a fence and wandered off.

Okay, Kelly...

...You made $500.

Tripled, that comes to $1500.

And as your agent, my cut comes to 400 simoleons.

And tripled, that's $1200.

Well, Al, that leaves you with $300.

Aren't you proud of us?

Would you like your pain medicine now, honey?

Oh, well, that'll be $100.

And tripled, that comes to $300.

Hey, look. Kelly's part on the video is coming up.

Here's your part, Daddy.

Very good, honey.

Very good.

But, you know, they should have used the second take.

That was the one where Dad actually caught fire.

No, he ruined that one. You could tell he was unconscious.

Well, kids, now we all have some money.

Let's go shopping.

Oh, Al, if the phone rings, it's Mom.

She's gonna ask if she can come and visit for a month.

Now, if you don't want her to, just tell her.

Otherwise, she's coming.

Somebody hand me my hamburger?

Oh, no.

No.

Buck, get the phone, boy.

Buck, get the phone, boy.