Original subtitles

Kelly, honey, hurry up!

Daddy will be home any minute with our presents.

Did you dress for the annual Bundy Christmas feast at Denny's?

Is this okay, Mom?

I haven't worn it since Grandma's funeral.

Well, it did knock 20 percent off the embalming.

Hey, maybe they'll give us a deal on the Christmas platter.

Okay, come help me make snow cones for Daddy.

Bud, hurry up!

We can't make them without you.

Here's the snow.

- Okay, who wants lime? - I do.

Hand me the mouthwash.

- I want cherry. - Okay, give me the cough syrup.

Oh, it's really beginning to feel like Christmas, isn't it, kids?

Do you remember when we couldn't afford snow cones?

Yep. Life is good.

Daddy!

Daddy!

- Give me! Give me! - Give me! Give me!

Now, kids, give your father a chance to relax.

Make room.

Give me! Give me! Give me! Give me!

Give us our presents!

- I love you! - Give us our presents!

Family!

I think we've fallen a tad short of the true meaning of Christmas.

It's about love, about family.

I think something's rotten in the state of Denver, Mom.

Don't worry. Even a dullard like your father isn't stupid enough...

...To come home without presents.

I don't like the looks of this, Mom.

Yeah, he does have that just-plugged-the-toilet grin on his face.

I think he's empty.

Let's check it out.

So, Al, I noticed you're not burdened down...

...With presents for your loving family.

Are they in the car?

Well, no.

Are they being delivered?

No.

Are they invisible?

Well, you guys get to ask the good questions.

If you let me go first, I would have asked if they were being delivered.

Honey.

Okay, Al, enough of this loving-family crap.

What did you do?

Well, I'm going to be honest with you, Peg.

I was coming home with great presents, when I was surrounded by a band of...

...Bears and Indians.

Normally you wouldn't think the two would get along, but there they were.

I fought them with everything I had, but they--

They took all my presents, then they--

They flew away.

Daddy, are you okay?

Rest, Kelly.

Snookums...

...You know, if you really did come home with no presents...

...We wouldn't mind, would we, kids?

No, Mom.

I would.

I mean, no, I wouldn't, Mom.

We love our Daddy, right, kids?

- Right, Mom. - Right, Mom.

There. You feel better now, Al?

Yes, I do, Peg.

Then give us our presents.

You do have presents, don't you, Al?

And we kissed your hand and called you Daddy.

The bank closed.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, you rotten mullet-head.

It wasn't my fault. I did everything that I could.

A real Daddy would have held up a liquor store.

They're open till 6, you know.

Now, kids, I'm sure your father has a good reason...

...For not taking that money out yesterday.

Tell us the reason, witless.

I wanted to get that extra day of interest.

Oh, that would have been, what, about three cents, Al?

Hey, that would have been our waitress's tip at Denny's.

Thank your father for flushing another Christmas, kids.

- Thanks, Dad. - Thanks, Dad.

We can still have Christmas without presents.

Daddy, Christmas without presents is like Thanksgiving without pizza.

Oh, well, I suppose there are a lot of families much worse off...

...Than us at Christmas.

Of course, they're all living in trees and worshipping sticks.

But let's make the best of it.

Let's go to Denny's. I have eight bucks.

That's enough for three of us to eat.

I guess we'll all have to draw straws.

I don't mind that. I don't think I should have to do it, since I work all year--

I am gonna buy presents on the 26th. --But I think to be fair...

...I'll have to...

Bring me back some pie crust.

Well, Buck, old friend. I guess it's just you and me, huh, boy?

Fine.

Fine.

I don't care.

I'm enjoying my holiday.

Just they dogs.

Just the man who's losing his mind.

Oh, please, somebody shoot me.

Hey, Bundy!

My family got me a new TV set for Christmas.

What are you getting?

If I was one of the guys at the post office...

...I'd be unwrapping your wife.

Excuse me, Marcy.

I'm Al.

Do you know where I live?

Why didn't you let me in the bank, Marcy?

I was going to.

But I got so sleepy.

I guess I fell asleep.

But you gotta see this.

Some bimbo got so smashed she Xeroxed her behind.

Everybody got one.

Imagine the humiliation when she shows up for work Monday morning.

Yeah, it's a Christmas to remember, all right.

Well, let's get you home.

Now, we'll hail a cab. Tell him to take you to dock 43.

Walk up to the first toothless man, show him this picture, you're home.

Thank you, Al.

Don't tell anybody...

...But I'm gonna go throw up in your next door neighbor's mailbox.

Look at this scrawny little thing.

Let's see how the lights work.

That's just great. They hang there all year long.

The one lousy time you want them to work...

Well, it's a wonderful life.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I think it might have been better if I was never born.

Hey, buddy. You all right?

There you are. Yeah.

You're okay.

You're gonna be fine.

Well, thanks, buddy. Who are you?

I'm a guardian angel.

Matter of fact, I'm looking for an Al Bundy.

- Do you know an Al Bundy? - I'm Al Bundy.

No!

Could you stop playing Nintendo up there for a minute?!

What kind of a mess have you gotten me into?! What have you done to me?!

There, there, buddy. How about I go get my gun...

...And shoot you with a nice silver bullet?

Would you like that, buddy?

You'll just have to give me a minute with this, Bundy.

I thought I was here to save a human soul.

That's all right. Never mind. Hold on a minute.

Oh, thanks a lot!

You can turn water into wine, but you can't send me with any booze, huh?

Love you!

Oh, I get it. You're one of my wife's relatives.

I've never seen one upright before.

No, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it, Bundy.

Read my lips. I'm your guardian angel.

Oh, I see. Hell, I gotta apologize.

I just thought you were a nut.

Well, I'll get my guitar and call Elvis.

The three of us will rock in the New Year.

Hey, it's no sleigh ride for me either, Bundy.

Usually, on Christmas, I'd be over at Moses' house.

I'd be out by the pool, waiting for the new guy...

...To jump off the board. And then Mo parts the water.

Now, that's Christmas!

That's Christmas, man.

Yeah, but I sort of fell from grace.

They-- They caught me scalping tickets to a Jimi Hendrix concert.

And here I am. But enough about me.

What's it gonna take to convince you that I'm your guardian angel?

Fly around and play a harp.

Hey, I'm an angel, not Tommy Tune.

I see it's the old standby, huh?

Tell you what, make a wish. Anything, off the top of your head.

Make my Christmas lights work.

That's amazing.

You are an angel. I want another wish. Aren't you supposed to get three?

Hey, don't be a wish pig, Bundy, all right?

You want three wishes? Get a genie.

Besides, anything I can't get a receipt for comes out of my own pocket.

Come on. Just give me one more.

Turn the lights back off, and give me the Hee Haw girls.

I've been sitting around waiting for them to die myself.

I know you think you got it tough.

Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure.

A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases.

Believe me, I sympathize.

But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal.

My wife gained 100 pounds for every year we were married.

We had two kids. I think she ate them. I don't know.

I hated driving home so much...

...I had vanity plates written up that said, "Hit me."

But despite it all, she loved me.

You know how I know?

Because she told me!

Oh, yeah, when I was at work...

...She loved my father, my brother, my bookie.

But when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed...

...Under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise.

That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy.

I canceled my insurance, and I hung myself.

Showed her, huh?

And you're here to help me, huh?

That I am, my man.

See, if I help you, I get my wings.

And that means a lot up there, especially with the chicks.

If I get wings, I get to pick up on the girls who died young.

That sounds great for you, but what are you gonna do for me?

Show me that my life can only get worse?

What are you gonna do? Give me more wives? More kids?

Make me a--? Make me a White Sox fan?

No, Bundy. We're gonna take a little trip.

Just like you wondered, I'm gonna show you...

...What it would've been like if you'd never been born. Let's party.

Peg! It's me. And my angel.

She doesn't know you're there, Bundy, just like when you're having sex.

Wait a second. She's cooking.

She told me she was allergic to fire.

Gee, that's weird.

I guess after I died, women started lying, huh?

Boy, I tell you...

...If they ever start using sex to get what they want, I'm out of here.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, you're home a trifle late, dear.

Oh, yes, I know. Regrettable, but necessary.

I had to stop on the way home to soundly thrash a bully...

...Who was making lewd comments to some female school chums.

Oh, Mother, when will men realize that the delicate flower...

...Of womanhood must be allowed to bloom in freedom?

You're such a fine young man.

I knew it would pay to breastfeed you till you were nine.

Do you need any money, dear?

Oh, no. I could never take money from you.

You and Father have given me the greatest gift of all:

The gift of life.

Would he feel it if I kicked him?

No, but for a little extra cash, I could give him your dog's face.

- Would you take an IOU? - Not from you.

Hello, Mama!

I'm home from college.

College? She flunked lunch in high school.

Good news. They're publishing my poetry in French.

Oh, Budrick.

You look fabulous.

You really must be popular with the ladies.

Well, I've broken a few hearts, but gained some good friends.

And you, dear sister, are you still frigid?

Yes, but pleasures of the flesh muddy the thinking.

She's right, you know.

I saved myself for marriage.

Oh, come on!

The football team retired her jersey.

I mean, what kind of guy would marry her if she wasn't putting out?

- It's Daddy! - It's Daddy!

- Oh, family! - Oh, Daddy!

Dear heart!

There they go again.

- Know those wings you been wanting? - Yeah.

You think you can make a pair out of this guy's kidneys?

Hey, don't worry about him. I checked into his future.

By the time he's 60, his stomach is so ulcer-ridden that--

Oh, that's you.

Sorry, man. Sorry.

So how was your day, honey?

Oh, wonderful as every day since we met.

Am I the only one who can taste the bile?

Oh, by the way, dear, I didn't have a chance...

...To finish the Christmas cookies.

I had a run-in with a shoe salesman today.

There she goes. She's leaving him. No one can resist a shoe salesman.

I was only trying on shoes for a couple of hours...

...And he barked at me.

He was a rude, smelly, uneducated, little man.

Imagine, a grown man selling shoes for a living.

But let us remember the old adage:

"I lamented I had no shoes until I saw the man who sold them."

I'll bet you're all wondering where your presents are.

Oh, Father...

...You needn't get us anything.

What?!

Oh, yes.

Your love and guidance all these years means more to us...

...Than any store-bought bauble.

I-- I just love you guys so much.

Well, gee, this was fun.

What do we do next?

Go back in time to the day I should have been conceived?

Watch my father invent the condom?

No. No more time travel for me.

It gives me the runs.

You're the one that wanted to see what life would be like if you weren't born.

So grin and bear it.

Family, I have a little announcement.

I do have a special Christmas present for everyone.

I've watched you all suffer in this hovel for years...

...But over the years...

...I've been saving, and that, along with Mommy's sewing money...

...Has allowed me to buy us a new house.

A mansion, really.

So how about joining me in a "Whoa, Jablonski."

Whoa, Jablonski!

Whoa, Jablonski?

Oh, Norman, what a special Christmas.

Let's just stand here and love each other.

Kids.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I love you. - I love you.

I love you.

Now, that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm sorry, Bundy. I failed you.

I was supposed to show you why you should live...

...But I can't think of one darn reason.

I'll never get my wings now.

Know what kind of woman you get in heaven driving around in a '78 Pinto?

The same kind of woman you get down here driving around a '78 Pinto.

God, I'm depressed.

Well, that's better.

Wait a second.

I wanna be back with my family.

Why?

Look at them. They're happy.

Not a care in the world.

You think I'm gonna let that happen...

...After all the grief they put me through?

I want to live!

Bundy, are you serious?

That means I'm gonna be an angel! I'm gonna get my wings!

I'm gonna be a real angel!

But first--

First I'm gonna go take a look at my ex-wife.

You really did love her, huh?

No. No, I just wanna put a package of Ding Dongs just out of reach...

...Of her porkpie fingers.

And then, as she oozes that thousand-pound bulk...

...Over the table, lifts up three of her chins...

...So she's able to put one of them into her mouth...

...I'm gonna turn them into me! A 20-year-old rotting corpse!

How do you like that, Thelma?

Daddy's home for Christmas!

You pig! You slut!

Take a bite of this, Shamu!

Al, get up!

Peg.

You know me?

Well, of course, I know you.

Why do you think I didn't help you up?

Come on, kids, let's go inside.

Knowing your father, he'll catch pneumonia...

...Cough on us, and we'll all get sick. Out of the way, Al.

- Yeah, you rotten... - God.

Bud, quick--

What's more important, love or money?

Well, money, Dad. I can always rent love.

Kelly, quick-- What's the color of an orange?

No multiple choice?

You mean, just straight off the top of my head?

No. Don't worry about it, pumpkin. Peg, bake me some Christmas cookies.

- Drop dead, Al. - All right!

Well, I'm glad you're in a good mood.

You know, they raised the Christmas platter at Denny's 50 cents.

So we had to go to the Spud Hut for their Holiday Tater Feast.

Thanks a lot, Al.

This is the worst Christmas I've ever had.

Yeah, me too. This reeks.

Just a regular orange?

I've got my family back.

Okay, heaven, I'm back.

Open up the gates.

What do you mean, where's my badge?

It's in my luggage.

They lost my luggage?