Original subtitles

No!

Daddy's home.

I hate Christmas.

The mall is full of nothing but women and children.

All you hear is, "I want this. Get me this.

I have to have this."

Then there's the children.

And they're all by my store...

...Because they stuck the mall Santa right outside, ringing his stupid bell.

As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit.

"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.

So, nice as can be, I go outside and ask him to shut the hell up.

He takes a swing at me.

So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down.

Beard comes off, all the kids start crying, and I'm the bad guy.

Honey, I know what would make you feel better...

...But I'll never leave you, not in a million years.

So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Five bowls a-flushing?

Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Three nose hairs waving?

Two children starving?

One untouched wife

This is what they mean when they say, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

I know last Christmas you didn't get what you wanted.

I saw your sad little faces.

How? You weren't even home.

You shot pool with your friends.

Hey, your faces were still sad the next day.

But this year, it's gonna be different. Who knows what a Christmas club is?

Oh, isn't that where morons put money in the bank...

...To get two percent interest instead of the normal five?

Yeah.

Anyway, I've got one of these Christmas club things...

...And was able to save a pretty penny this year.

So in addition to our annual Christmas feast at Denny's...

...This year, we're getting presents.

- Oh, I can't believe it! - Presents! Yes!

Al, this isn't a joke, is it?

Like when we were dating and you said:

"Stick with me, babe, I'm really going places"?

Gee, I remember saying that. I just didn't think I said it to you.

Anyway, Christmas is not the time for regrets.

That's what anniversaries are for.

Come on. Let's all have a little Christmas "Whoa, Bundy."

Whoa, Bundy!

That may be carollers. Bud, hit the lights.

Everybody down.

It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.

Should I fix us up a stink bomb?

No, let them in. They may have presents.

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!

Nothing. Empty-handed.

Okay, who's got my wedding ring?

Thank you.

Anyway, I just came over to say Merry Christmas.

I won't be here, because of a previous commitment.

Yes, he's spending Christmas with Mommy, you know.

Why can't you and Mother get along?

The woman hangs her coat on me.

What about your mother and her little, "Oops! Sorry, Stevie.

I didn't know you were in the shower."

Marcie, you want some coffee?

- Sure. - Hey, I want some coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. There's only enough for two.

- Kids, you want any? - Sure.

Why are wives jealous of the relationship...

- ...Between a man and his mother? - They see someone cares for you...

- ...And it eats them up. - Yep.

My mom left Marcie instructions on how to take care of me.

Still, one week after we were married...

...Guess who was washing his own hair.

Oh, that must be my taxi.

Merry Christmas, honey. Come give me a kiss.

- Come on, Stevie! - Coming, Mother!

The man's mother came from Cincinnati to pick him up?

Boy, if Weenie Town ever needs a mayor...

Peggy, what am I gonna do?

We were supposed to go to the party at my bank tomorrow.

I can't go stag. What will people think?

Marcie, let me give you some advice.

Don't spend time thinking about things you don't have:

A good relationship...

...Nice hair...

...A good disposition, a woman's body.

Think instead about the things you do have.

When you do, let me know, because I've drawn a blank. Merry Christmas!

Al!

Christmas is no time to make fun of someone...

...Whose life is crumbling down around them.

Do you know how many people with lives a lot better than hers...

...Commit suicide this time of year?

Now, you should say something nice to her...

...Even if you don't mean it.

You look very nice, Marcie.

See?

I'll tell you what you should do.

You should go to that party without Steve.

Get wild. Get crazy.

Pretend you're single again.

Dance on the tabletops, chase after men...

...Rub your red hair up and down their chests like a feather duster...

...And then reach out and--

And say, "I'm married," and go home, like I would.

I guess you're right.

I'll go to the party, but I won't have any fun.

This will be the worst Christmas I ever had.

I'll wind up home alone, sitting in the dark.

That is, unless some friends invite me over.

Poor Marcie. I feel so bad for her.

So, Al, we're really gonna get presents?

Yeah! You betcha! I pick up the money tomorrow morning.

This is gonna be the greatest Bundy Christmas ever.

Hit the lights!

We know you're in there!

Oh, Al.

Come unwrap your Christmas present.

Where is it?

It's me, you feeb.

Oh, Peg, how do you expect me to get excited...

...When you just rewrap the same junk I didn't play with the year before?

Oh, come on, Al. Thrill me as only you can.

Show Mommy the Christmas club bankbook.

Okay, but just this once.

- Again, Al, again! - It's never enough, is it?

Oh, you were fantastic. Let's cuddle.

I suppose a shower's out of the question, huh?

And I don't think deodorant is tough enough to handle this baby.

I'll get the bug spray.

Dad, I couldn't sleep.

I sense you're on the horns of a dilemma.

Now, to wit, you have $280.

But how do you split it up?

Well, maybe I can help.

You see, I hate to tell you this, Dad...

...But Kelly doesn't love you.

Never has, never will.

But you do, don't you, son?

With all my heart and soul.

But back to Kelly.

Now, how can we punish her?

How, how, how?

I know.

I bet spending all the money on me, and nothing on her...

...Would fix her little red wagon.

So remember, Dad.

This year, when you think Christmas...

...Think Bud.

Come in, Kelly.

Hi, Daddy. I just wanted to tell you...

...I just got a call from the doctor, and I'm dying.

Yep, I've got "bulgaria."

The doctor says that it's "terminus."

How much time do you have, pumpkin?

Well, I've got till Christmas morning...

...And the only known cure is a good present.

You know, in the 250 to 275 price range?

Gee, then I wouldn't have any money to get Bud anything.

I know, but it's not like he loves you or anything.

When I think of all the times that he wished you dead...

Well, I just wanted to tell you that, but whatever you decide is okay with me.

I thought I'd find you here. What are you doing?

Loving Daddy. What are you doing here?

Saying hi to the man who gave me life and his name. Make way!

No! He's my daddy!

What is going on here?

- Help. - Kelly's pretending she loves Daddy.

Yeah? Bud's trying to hog all Daddy's money for himself.

That's it. Both of you, out of here.

Daddy is not stupid enough to believe you really love him.

Now, just stop your whining.

Go on. Get out. Daddy's getting us all presents.

Go on.

You know, if I were you...

...I wouldn't get them anything...

...Because I'm the only one who really loves you.

Oh, and by the way, Al...

...I just got a call from the doctor.

I may be dying.

More toaster shakings, Kel?

Please.

Daddy gone?

Mom, it's noon.

Only noon?

God, I just couldn't sleep from all the excitement.

Oh, look. I can't even eat.

I'm so excited. We're getting Christmas presents...

...And on Christmas.

Well, Mom, I hate to put a damper on the festivities...

...But since Dad's getting us presents, shouldn't we get him something?

God, it never occurred to me.

Kind of takes the fun out of the whole thing.

Well, I'm not spending any of my money. I've got expenses.

What, a new shipment of your favorite perfume come in, Kel?

You know, eau de shore leave?

Go swim in your sheets.

Now, kids, we said all this at Thanksgiving.

What we've got to do is get Daddy some presents.

And as my mom always said:

"The best presents are in Dad's closet."

Well, I'm gonna give Daddy something that he's never used before:

His toothbrush.

And I'll get him his underwear.

And as his wife, he deserves to get something special from me.

I know. I'll get him his winter coat that Buck's been sleeping on.

Oh, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

There he is, kids.

The man who hit Santa.

Tonight, we'll all come back and egg his window.

Yeah, Santa.

Anytime you want it, fat boy!

The bank! I gotta get to Marcie's bank.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, we're closed. I gotta get to the bank by 3:00.

We won't be but a minute.

Hurry up, Mama!

14.95, you say?

Yes!

Please hurry!

Mama has the money.

I don't have any money.

Well, who has it?

Mom!

There he is, guys!

No!

Needed some help, eh, Horowitz?

I guess you're not Santa enough to face me alone.

Remember, I know when you're sleeping.

And I know when you've had beans.

What did you get us for Christmas, Daddy?

Well, family, the bank was closed.

I have no money for presents.

You still love me, though, right?

- I want toys! - Just a minute, honey.

- Mommy wants to get some shoes. - Toys, toys, toys!

- Oh, kids. You gotta love them. - Toys!

Put a cork in it, demon!

What I wouldn't pay to get rid of him for an hour so I could shop in peace.

- Water. - Shut up.

- You'll never get away with this. - Oh, won't I?

You be quiet, or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like little Bobby.

Hey, Bundy, we want some entertainment.

Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas story. Gather around Uncle Al.

All right, that's close enough.

All right, here we go.

'Twas the night Before Christmas

And all through the house

No food was a-stirring Not even a mouse

Stockings were hung 'Round Dad's neck like a tie

Along with a note That said, "Presents or die"

Children were plotting All night in their beds

While the wife's constant whining Was splitting his head

But Daddy had money this year In the bank

Then they closed up early Now Dad's in the tank

Then all of a sudden Santa appeared

A sneer on his face Booze in his beard

"Santa," I said As he laughed merrily

"You do so much for others Do something for me"

"Bundy," he said "You only sell shoes

Your son is a sneak thief Your daughter's a flooze"

"Ho, ho," Santa said "Should I mention your wife?

Her hair's like an A-bomb Her nails like a knife"

And he climbs up the chimney That fat piece of dung

He mooned me two times He stuck out his tongue

And I heard him exclaim As he broke wind with glee

"You're married, with children You'll never be free"

Now, who wants to hear about the red-headed grinch...

...That stole Uncle Al's life?

- There he is! - He depressed us.

- Oh, you beast! - No! Hey!

And here's your money back.

And yours.

And yours.

And yours.

- And yours. - Thank you.

Okay, Franklin, say goodbye to Uncle Al.

Good boy!

Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closing...

...So that our merchants can get home and be with their loving families.

Thank you for shopping with us.

Merry Christmas, and good night.