Original subtitles

Boy, I love the rain.

Have ever since I was a little boy.

Dad used to say rain is the sound of angels flushing.

Good night, Peg

Al...

No, Peg, I'm tired.

Come on, honey. You don't have to be awake.

Just the usual, "I'm done, how about you?" will be fine.

Oh, come on.

Look, let's compromise.

I'll set the alarm clock for two.

That way you can get a little rest.

And I'll wile away the time listening to your body ferment.

Great, I'm the only guy in the world that has to wake up to have a nightmare.

- Good night, honey. - Good night. I'll see you at two.

Peg. Peg the roof's leaking.

It's raining on the bed.

Well, it's nice and dry on my side, honey.

You mean you'd switch with me, Peg?

No. Oh, come on, Al. Let's do it.

Show Mommy you can beat the lightning.

I'm gonna fix the roof.

Now, why would you want to go up there...

...When you could stay here and fix me?

Because when I'm done, the roof won't ask me to fix it again.

Bud! Kelly!

What is it, Mom? Creditors?

- I'll go boil the water. - No, no, no. Not this time.

Now, sit down, kids.

Now, look. I know sometimes you feel you don't see enough of your dad.

And you think he's maybe too busy to care for us.

Well, get ready, because your father is about to do something for us...

...That we'll never forget.

And I want us all to enjoy it as a family.

Now, just look over at that window.

About...

...Now.

All right! That was really great.

- Okay, kids, back to bed. - Thanks, Mom. Tell Dad he was cool.

Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna do something special for him.

I'm gonna give him back his wallet.

B-but not the cash.

We didn't see him land.

1:57...

Oh, honey, you fell.

Yes, cupcake...

...I fell.

But obviously not far enough.

Poor baby. You must be hurt.

Why don't you go to sleep now.

Well, I'll be darned.

Is it two already?

All aboard!

Boy, look at that rain come down.

It's not fit for man or beast.

All right, who's going up with me?

Besides Bud.

Dad, if you really expect someone to go up on that roof with you...

...They'd have to be a total moron.

Oh, no. I'm not going up there.

Al, be sensible. Just call a professional roofer.

There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America.

We've lost our spirit of self-reliance.

Something's leaking, call someone.

Something's broken, call someone.

One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone.

Whatever happened to the old American spirit of "I can fix it myself"?

What happened to rugged American manhood?

We don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests aren't back from the lab.

Chew Dad's sock.

Eat Mom's food.

We're missing the point here.

I want to inspire you guys to great heights.

Bud, you could be a doctor or a lawyer. Kelly...

You could button your own coat.

Anyhow, I want you guys to see what one Bundy can accomplish.

I want you to say, "There's no task Daddy can't do."

Then they'd better not ask me.

Dent a cushion, Peg.

Anyhow, guys, Bundy men have always been masters of their fate.

Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure knew his way around a toolbox.

There was a fixin' man.

You mean Grandpa Hook?

Yeah, well, circular saws were new back then.

But, damn it, he carved his own hook afterwards. He carried on.

You didn't see him calling someone.

Well, it would have been difficult for him to hold the phone.

You know, he only had one finger left on that other hand.

After that mix-up with the nail gun.

One finger is all a real American needs.

Scoff if you will, but Grandpa Hook's blood runs in my veins.

I will fix this roof and show you all that Daddy can do it.

Mom, does this mean that Daddy's too cheap to call a roofer?

Now, honey, let's give your father some credit.

He may just be too stupid.

Now, we all know Daddy's gonna fall. You know what you've got to do.

- Get the camera. - Get the camera.

No. We actually have enough pictures...

...Of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album.

Go get the old wading pool out of the garage...

...Paint "Here comes stupid" on the bottom of it...

...And hold it under him.

Well, that pool's kind of old. Won't Dad fall right through it?

We'll just hold it closer to the ground.

God, you're a moron.

Peggy, you won't believe the good news.

Steve just called. He finally got a job.

He sounded very excited.

- What's he gonna be doing? - I don't know, but I bet it's big.

He sounded like the old Steve on the phone.

Confident, proud, moneygrubbing.

Oh, I can't wait to see him.

His tie swinging erectly in the wind.

His taut buttocks yearning to break free from their gabardine bonds.

Peggy, I finally have my Steve back. So here...

...I'm returning your shower massage.

If only it could take out the garbage, huh?

Hi, Marcie. I'm glad you're here.

Bring that second income to Mommy. How much are you making?

Well, Marcie, now, it's not how much you make...

...It's how meaningful the work is to you.

Sure it is. How much?

Well, actually, I'm making $3.40 an hour.

What do you do? Dance in the park in your underwear?

You happen to be looking at the new pet handler...

...And executive cage cleaner at Slithers...

...Chicago's fifth-largest exotic pet emporium.

I guess you'll be wanting this back.

Oh, Marcie, it's the greatest job in the world.

And I brought home a little friend.

It's Scoopie.

Scoopie is a Peruvian devil gerbil.

But don't let the name fool you. He's really quite friendly.

Only the female of the species is actually poisonous.

Isn't he cute?

Bud, Kelly, come see this!

No!

What is that, Mom?

Oh, cool. Food!

- I'll get the mayo! - Okay.

This is not food, you druids.

This is love on paws. Look.

- You must be very proud, Marcie. - Proud as punch.

Why, Steve, this is just the beginning.

With hard work and study, you could actually work your way up...

...To cleaning up the doody of even bigger animals.

Maybe even people.

Come on, Marcie.

Here. Just let him nest on your shoulder.

- Bond with him. - Steve!

He's crawling down my blouse!

He's biting me!

Believe me, if he were biting you, it'd be a lot more painful.

You'd be screaming and everything.

Marcie, he's just playing!

Don't roll on the lawn! You'll hurt him!

Oh, poor Marcie.

Help me.

I wish there was something we could do for her.

- I hate to see people in pain. - I'm dying.

Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.

Well, it's not all mud.

Some of it's colon.

So did you fix the roof, Daddy?

No, pumpkin, I didn't. When I got up there, I saw this hole...

...But I figured it'd be a lot more fun to take a header off the roof into the yard.

Of course I fixed it. I said I'd fix it, and I fixed it.

So I guess we all know what Daddy can do now.

Loser no more, eh, Dad?

- Can we call a roofer now? - No, we can't.

I'm going back up there. But this time, I'm going up with the right equipment.

A Wile E. Coyote mask?

No, my love. The thing to do is to have the right shoe.

And the left one too, Dad.

Thank you, honey.

Now, damn it, I said I'd fix that roof, and fix it I will!

This is one man against nature.

And that man happens to be Al Bundy.

And as God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!

Shut up, Peg.

How many more holes did you put in the roof...

...By walking on it in spiked golf shoes?

And by the way, honey...

...This time on your way down, you took out our TV antenna.

I'm sorry, Peg, but I needed something to break my fall.

Since there was no live wire or your neck handy...

...I grabbed the first thing that hit my face.

Well, you know, our reception is shot to hell.

I'm sorry, Peg.

Had I known you wanted to watch Dallas tonight...

...I would've just put my hands behind my back...

...And slalomed head first onto the patio.

- Are you ready to give up yet? - I am not.

Just so happens that I have three unbroken bones yet.

I'll see y'all drown before I quit.

- Good night, Peg. - Good night, honey.

Turn out the light.

And be careful, Al.

God, it smells like ham in here.

Bud, what are you watching?

There's nothing but snow on the TV.

Gee, looks great to me.

Too bad you don't have the special TV-reception adaptor glasses...

...Like I do.

Well, I want to see TV too.

Well, you can't. I've only got one pair.

Would you like to buy mine?

How much?

For you, 20 bucks.

- I don't trust you. - Fine.

The new Guns N' Roses video is coming on.

Does Axl ever wear a shirt?

Give me.

Hey, I don't see anything.

Oh, great, you broke them.

Now neither of us can watch TV.

Hey, Mom, I broke my reception glasses.

Well, be more careful next time.

Can't we get someone who can fix the roof and the TV?

Honey, your daddy wants to take one more shot at it.

And if I stopped your father every time he failed...

...We never would have had you or Bud.

I'm ready.

What do you think of Daddy now?

Gee, Al, you built a moron-on-the-roof suit.

Good luck, you say? Don't need it.

I'm cushioned by your love.

I will now proceed to fix the roof and the TV...

...And prove once again that with intelligence and vision...

...One man alone can face any challenge.

Now, if someone would just rock me...

...To break the suction, I'll be on my way.

I think "wow" just about covers it.

Peggy, Marcie had a little reaction to the Peruvian devil gerbil bite.

By the way, I goofed. I took home the poisonous one.

But that's spilt milk. Anyhow, she's a little self-conscious.

Could you just reassure her that she looks perfectly okay?

Come show Peggy, honey.

Now, I ask you...

...Is there any reason why this woman shouldn't go to work?

Gee, Marcie, you look fine.

Very natural. What do you think, Kelly?

I don't know. I've never really looked at her before.

I have a hump, you bimbo!

Didn't you always?

Marcie...

...Why don't we just get to the real reason you're angry.

It's not that awful, disgusting, pus-filled hump at all.

It's your small spirit.

You're just jealous because I'm pursuing my dream.

What dream would that be, Steve?

To have a wife named Igor?

- What was that? - Pay no attention.

That's just Al falling off the roof.

But, you know, I'm really concerned about the two of you.

I mean, there's no reason for a hunchback...

...And a doody scooper to fight.

Now, aren't you ashamed?

I'm sorry, Steve.

Let's go home and cuddle.

After you, my love.

Hey, Mom, should we be worried that Daddy's up there...

...With metal tools in a lightning storm?

Well, who wants to go tell him?

- Well, I'll catch a cold. - My hair will get all messed up.

Then I'll hear no more about it.

Mom, why can't we call a roofer? I mean, if it gets any wetter in here...

...The whole house is gonna look like Bud's bed.

Hey, wait a minute, kids. It stopped leaking.

You mean, Dad actually did it?

Hey, Dad!

The roof stopped leaking!

Was there ever any doubt?

Honey, don't forget to fix the antenna!

No problem! Daddy can do it!

- How is it? - Still fuzzy.

- How about now? - Oh, it's better.

Keep doing what you're doing!

How about--?

It's perfect, Al!

You know, kids, we ridiculed him and made fun of him--

Help me!

But, you know, this time we have to admit, Daddy did it.

Help! Help me!