Original subtitles

Wake up.

Honey. Honey, it's time to go to school.

Kelly Bundy!

I wasn't copying off his paper! I swear!

- Oh. Hi, Mom. - It's time for school.

I can't go to school yet. I've got this Current Events report due today...

...And I'm waiting for Bud to bring me a newspaper.

Here it is, Kel. Hot off a bum's face.

The National Investigator?

Yeah, well, everybody's gonna be using actual newspapers...

...And I decided our Kelly should go the tabloid route.

Now, Kelly, which one of these interests you?

Let's see. "Psychic predicts that someone will watch Garry Shandling ."

Or, "Spuds McKenzie just says no to Justine Bateman."

Oh, I'll take that one. At least someone's heard of Spuds McKenzie.

Hey, look at this.

"New Jersey housewife wins $8.7 million lottery."

And she won it after rubbing the belly of her good-luck charm Tubro...

...The fat Panamanian god of money.

I need something lucky to rub.

How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky.

Oh, grow a face.

Now, let me do my homework in peace.

"Spuds Mc..."

Will you look at this? My little girl is reading.

Daddy, you made me lose my place. Now I have to start all over again.

"Spuds..."

Look at her go.

One Bundy woman is reaching for the stars this morning. Let's go for two.

Peg, make my breakfast. Crack an egg for Daddy.

Where would I get an egg at this time of day?

You are such an idiot. By the way...

...Al, honey, I wanna win the lottery.

So could I have $195 so I can buy Tubro...

...The fat Panamanian god of money?

Peg, you know what $195 can mean to this family?

It means food, it means shelter. It means college for the children.

What's this word?

A.

Oh, just like the letter.

Thanks for watching the store for me, guys.

Hey, Al. I got off work a little early today. What are you doing?

Just trying to kill another 60 years so Willard Scott can say hi to me on TV.

You know, Al, your problem is you don't take time...

...To appreciate the finer things.

Come with me to a museum, a symphony, an opera.

You are never too old to experience-- Hooter alert!

Oh, miss. Here, let me help you.

Come over here and sit down. I'll get you some...

What do I sell here? Shoes. Yeah, shoes.

- Would you like one? - Let me handle this, Al.

How about something in a man who'll give you everything he owns?

Oh, I already have a pair of those.

What I need right now is a pair of stiletto heels, black, size six.

I'm not leaving.

I'm not either.

Okay.

We'll both go get them.

One...

Two...

- Give me that! - I'll take that!

- Let me out there! - Give me room here!

Give me room!

After you, Steve.

Oh, Steve. Let me help you up.

I got them for you.

And I helped.

- There you are. - Do you mind if I walk in them?

Well, I prefer you dance in them, but it's not mandatory.

You're so cute.

Steve, I know I've seen her before. I just can't place where.

That's it! Steve, she's a Playmate.

From Playboy magazine. Miss October 1987.

Can't be.

I may not know the color of my wife's eyes.

I don't know my children's birthday.

But I know--

I know that's Brandi Brandt. Born 1968.

Teeny, teeny birthmark around bend of left knee.

Favorite movie, The Big Bus.

Watch this. I'll prove it to you.

Miss? Excuse me.

Aren't you Brandi Brandt, Miss October 1987?

Why, yes.

I've always admired your work.

Yeah, it is a lot of work.

You know, that shot of me leaning up against the truck alone took five hours.

Oh, I know how you feel. Oh, when I was seven...

...Our class had our picture taken on a fire truck.

It was really big, and they let me ring the bell.

When they took the picture, my back was turned...

...So you couldn't tell it was me. But they made me buy one anyway.

Can I sit on your lap?

- I love the shoes. How much? - Oh, well, they're on the house.

After all, you made it possible for Steve and I to have sex with our wives.

You really have Brandi's issue of Playboy?

I've got them all, Steve.

I've been collecting Playboys my whole life.

My dad got me started on the hobby. It was my 12th birthday.

We watched Mom Singapore Sling herself into oblivion.

Then we went down in the basement.

There, behind the toolbox, was Dad's stash.

Oh, the breasts we saw that night.

And when Dad died, he gave them all to me.

I'll be right back. Now, you stay here. Look cool.

We're gonna see Brandi. We're gonna see Brandi.

They're gone, Steve.

My Playboys. My stable. My women. My life.

What could have happened to them?

Oh, hi, Al. Look, honey. I got a Tubro of my very own.

Oh, happy day.

Peg, you mind if I cut in for a second?

Peg, where did you get the money to buy old Tubro?

I sold your Playboys.

Did you want them?

Al, you haven't said anything for two hours. How about a little smile?

Oh, honey, what's the big deal?

How was I supposed to know you wanted them?

They were just in a box in the basement...

...In chronological order, individually wrapped.

What am I, a mind reader?

Oh, come on, Al. Rub Tubro. It'll make you feel better.

Al. Get your grubby paws off of him.

Don't you know what he can mean to this family?

Money, prosperity, happiness.

Oh, Tubro. You can be the man of the house.

Peg, Tubro will never be the man of the house because Tubro can't cry.

Peg, how could you sell the family Playboys?

Al, you are making a big thing...

...Out of something that means nothing to anyone but you.

Why is it always my stuff?

Don't the kids have anything you can get ten cents on the dollar for?

I cannot steal from my children.

They lock their rooms.

Al Bundy. You, sir, are maggot bits.

Oh, if only a man could have two wives.

What did he do now?

Well. Steve and I were having a wonderful, intimate encounter.

As usual, I was humming "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."

Then suddenly a thumbtack bounced off my head.

I looked up and found...

...Miss October hanging from the headboard of my marital bed.

He found the issue.

Well, after questioning him...

...A nauseous, teary Steve admitted...

...That this whole thing was Al's perverted idea.

What is it about men? They have perfectly good wives at home...

...And yet they have to look at women like these.

I guess every now and then, a guy who drives a Dodge...

...Likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari.

Yeah, but what difference would that make to you?

You don't know how to drive.

Well, from this moment on...

...You are no longer allowed to play with Steve.

And I never want to see another one of these again.

- Well, let me take that off your hands. - Of course.

Enjoy.

Al, do you ever think about other women when we do it?

Peg, is this a nose, a breast, or what?

You really don't know, do you?

Okay. I can see you're gonna be in a foul mood.

Well, until you're ready to discuss this rationally...

...I will be in the kitchen winning the lottery with Tubro.

What was I thinking? I said, "I do."

I'd already had sex with her. I didn't need that again.

Okay. Come on, baby. Give me a good number.

Someone help me.

Somewhere out there must be someone who's suffered as much as I have.

I'm only glad my father didn't live to see my shame.

Dad. I thought you were dead.

I thought you were alive.

Dad...

..Last time I saw you was at your funeral. You look great.

They make you jog.

- So how's tricks? - Great.

- And how are the kids? - Great.

And how are my Playboys?

- You know, don't you? - No, I care how you and the kids are.

How could you let that woman sell our Playboys?

I couldn't stop her.

You know, everybody up there is laughing at you.

What do you mean, everybody is laughing at me?

Is Abe Lincoln laughing at me?

Abe.

Socrates.

Moe, Larry, Curly.

The Three Stooges are laughing at me?

What about Marilyn Monroe? Is Marilyn laughing at me?

She doesn't even know you're alive.

Look, Dad, you're surrounded by great minds up there.

Doesn't anybody know anything about women?

Not a one.

Well, Plato used to have a few theories, but now he mostly just...

...Takes young boys camping.

Look, kid...

...Nobody understands anything about women.

And nobody ever will. But the one thing we know:

They're the single greatest problem facing the world today.

They must be stopped. You must make a stand.

We're counting on you, son.

Everybody in heaven is counting on me?

Yeah. See, we hid from the women and had a meeting.

We decided that you have to get her to get your Playboys back.

The dignity of all men is riding on you.

Look at her, Dad. I can't even get her to give me a piece of cheese.

John Wayne thinks that you can do it.

The Duke?

The Duke wants me to do it?

He's got a five spot riding on you.

Peg. Woman.

Pilgrim.

Listen up and listen good.

Get up, get out and get my Playboys.

- But, Al-- - Now!

- Well, how am I gonna get them? - Don't care.

We want our Playboys!

We? Who's we?

Me and all the guys.

All except Plato.

Okay.

That felt good. I feel the Duke in me.

Young ones, get down here right now!

- What is it, Dad? - Want my car washed, pronto.

And you, little filly...

...You're gonna cook me up a man-sized dinner.

- What's with him? - He's old and confused.

Okay, who wants a Tangwich?

We don't like the way you make them, Daddy.

We like the way Mom makes them.

She pinches the ends so that the orange sand doesn't run out.

Fine. More for me.

- When's Mom coming home? - When her task is done. Why?

Because when we have a problem, we like to ask Mom.

What's the matter? You can't learn from me?

Listen, there's nothing that you can ask your mother you can't ask me.

Go ahead. Shoot.

Okay. Well...

...I'm ovulating...

...And when this happens, I get this pinching little cramp.

What should I do?

Walk it off.

And remember, the next time, stretch before you ovulate.

Bud.

No problems here, Dad.

Good. That's good. Now, I must parent some more.

It's late. I want you both to go straight to bed.

Okay, Daddy.

Dad, you're not laughing at me now, are you?

My Playboys! My babies!

- How did you get them back? - Well, I owe it all to Tubro.

See, we were driving around in your car, when suddenly--

Wait a second, Peg. What were you doing in my car?

Well, Tubro thought it was best.

Anyhow, so we're driving around in your car...

...And I had no idea how to get the money to get your magazines back.

So I started to rub Tubro's belly, and suddenly, it hit us.

- What? How to get the money back? - No, a Mercedes.

Peg, a Mercedes hit my car?

Yeah. But don't worry. I wasn't hurt.

Anyway, rather than going through our insurance companies...

...The guy in the car gave me enough money to buy your Playboys back.

- Aren't you proud of me? - Wait a second, Peg.

How much damage was done to my car?

Oh, lots.

But I'm pretty sure you can still drive it.

I think you'd better leave early for work tomorrow...

...Because your car doesn't turn left anymore.

But I don't think you'd want to anyway, because there's no door on the side.

- Yeah, but you're okay, right? - Yeah.

Who cares if you're okay, and I can only drive clockwise.

I don't care, because I got my babies back.

Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt. Isn't she great?

I don't see what's so hot about her.

Well, you will when she's tacked up on the headboard.

Upstairs! Now!