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1
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:20,014
Wake up.
2
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:23,984
Honey. Honey, it's time to go to school.
3
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:26,086
Kelly Bundy!
4
00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:29,190
I wasn't copying off his paper!
I swear!
5
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,360
- Oh. Hi, Mom.
- It's time for school.
6
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:37,097
I can't go to school yet. I've got
this Current Events report due today...
7
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,867
...And I'm waiting for Bud
to bring me a newspaper.
8
00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:44,605
Here it is, Kel. Hot off a bum's face.
9
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,143
The National Investigator?
10
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,146
Yeah, well, everybody's gonna be
using actual newspapers...
11
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:56,283
...And I decided our Kelly
should go the tabloid route.
12
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,822
Now, Kelly,
which one of these interests you?
13
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:06,627
Let's see. "Psychic predicts that
someone will watch Garry Shandling ."
14
00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:14,635
Or, "Spuds McKenzie just says
no to Justine Bateman."
15
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:20,241
{\an8}Oh, I'll take that one. At least
someone's heard of Spuds McKenzie.
16
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:26,013
Hey, look at this.
17
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:31,151
"New Jersey housewife
wins $8.7 million lottery."
18
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:36,190
And she won it after rubbing the belly
of her good-luck charm Tubro...
19
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:39,894
...The fat Panamanian god of money.
20
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,163
I need something lucky to rub.
21
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:48,002
How about Kelly?
Every guy that rubs her gets lucky.
22
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,745
Oh, grow a face.
23
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:00,915
Now, let me do my homework in peace.
24
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,785
"Spuds Mc..."
25
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:11,992
Will you look at this?
My little girl is reading.
26
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:17,965
Daddy, you made me lose my place.
Now I have to start all over again.
27
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,834
"Spuds..."
28
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,970
Look at her go.
29
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:29,176
One Bundy woman is reaching for
the stars this morning. Let's go for two.
30
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,813
Peg, make my breakfast.
Crack an egg for Daddy.
31
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:38,352
Where would I get an egg
at this time of day?
32
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:42,189
You are such an idiot.
By the way...
33
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,658
...Al, honey, I wanna win the lottery.
34
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:48,629
So could I have $195 so I can buy Tubro...
35
00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:50,764
...The fat Panamanian god of money?
36
00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:54,134
Peg, you know what $195
can mean to this family?
37
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:58,872
It means food, it means shelter.
It means college for the children.
38
00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:01,442
{\an8}What's this word?
39
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:04,778
{\an8}A.
40
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,351
{\an8}Oh, just like the letter.
41
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:24,131
Thanks for watching
the store for me, guys.
42
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:30,571
Hey, Al. I got off work a little
early today. What are you doing?
43
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:35,409
Just trying to kill another 60 years so
Willard Scott can say hi to me on TV.
44
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,813
You know, Al, your problem
is you don't take time...
45
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,749
...To appreciate the finer things.
46
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,785
Come with me to a museum,
a symphony, an opera.
47
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:48,689
You are never too old to experience--
Hooter alert!
48
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:56,196
Oh, miss. Here, let me help you.
49
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:59,299
Come over here and sit down.
I'll get you some...
50
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:03,270
What do I sell here?
Shoes. Yeah, shoes.
51
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,740
- Would you like one?
- Let me handle this, Al.
52
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:11,178
How about something in a man
who'll give you everything he owns?
53
00:05:11,378 --> 00:05:13,280
Oh, I already have a pair of those.
54
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,419
What I need right now is a pair
of stiletto heels, black, size six.
55
00:05:29,596 --> 00:05:32,032
I'm not leaving.
56
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,535
I'm not either.
57
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,304
Okay.
58
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,873
We'll both go get them.
59
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,575
One...
60
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,077
Two...
61
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,215
- Give me that!
- I'll take that!
62
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,451
- Let me out there!
- Give me room here!
63
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,920
Give me room!
64
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,057
After you, Steve.
65
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:02,196
Oh, Steve. Let me help you up.
66
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,534
I got them for you.
67
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:10,971
And I helped.
68
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:18,345
- There you are.
- Do you mind if I walk in them?
69
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,982
Well, I prefer you dance in them,
but it's not mandatory.
70
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,618
You're so cute.
71
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,360
Steve, I know I've seen her before.
I just can't place where.
72
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:38,532
That's it! Steve, she's a Playmate.
73
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:41,568
From Playboy magazine.
Miss October 1987.
74
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,070
Can't be.
75
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,339
I may not know the color
of my wife's eyes.
76
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,341
I don't know my children's birthday.
77
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,510
But I know--
78
00:06:49,676 --> 00:06:52,146
I know that's Brandi Brandt.
Born 1968.
79
00:06:52,346 --> 00:06:56,016
Teeny, teeny birthmark
around bend of left knee.
80
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,719
Favorite movie, The Big Bus.
81
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,023
Watch this. I'll prove it to you.
82
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,492
Miss? Excuse me.
83
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:09,229
Aren't you Brandi Brandt,
Miss October 1987?
84
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,531
Why, yes.
85
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:21,942
I've always admired your work.
86
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,711
Yeah, it is a lot of work.
87
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:29,116
You know, that shot of me leaning up
against the truck alone took five hours.
88
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:32,553
Oh, I know how you feel.
Oh, when I was seven...
89
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:35,155
...Our class had our picture taken
on a fire truck.
90
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,124
It was really big,
and they let me ring the bell.
91
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,626
When they took the picture,
my back was turned...
92
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,129
...So you couldn't tell it was me.
But they made me buy one anyway.
93
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,631
Can I sit on your lap?
94
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:48,569
- I love the shoes. How much?
- Oh, well, they're on the house.
95
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:52,539
After all, you made it possible for
Steve and I to have sex with our wives.
96
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:01,815
You really have
Brandi's issue of Playboy?
97
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,618
I've got them all, Steve.
98
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,087
I've been collecting Playboys
my whole life.
99
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:11,892
My dad got me started on the hobby.
It was my 12th birthday.
100
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,662
We watched Mom
Singapore Sling herself into oblivion.
101
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,564
Then we went down in the basement.
102
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:20,567
There, behind the toolbox,
was Dad's stash.
103
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,437
Oh, the breasts we saw that night.
104
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:28,408
And when Dad died, he gave them all to me.
105
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:32,145
I'll be right back.
Now, you stay here. Look cool.
106
00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:41,188
We're gonna see Brandi.
We're gonna see Brandi.
107
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,096
They're gone, Steve.
108
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:53,767
My Playboys.
My stable. My women. My life.
109
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,936
What could have happened to them?
110
00:08:57,137 --> 00:09:01,575
Oh, hi, Al. Look, honey.
I got a Tubro of my very own.
111
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:04,678
Oh, happy day.
112
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,017
Peg, you mind if I cut in for a second?
113
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:13,053
Peg, where did you get the money
to buy old Tubro?
114
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,588
I sold your Playboys.
115
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,861
Did you want them?
116
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:33,573
Al, you haven't said anything
for two hours. How about a little smile?
117
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:40,147
Oh, honey, what's the big deal?
118
00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:42,316
How was I supposed to know
you wanted them?
119
00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:44,651
They were just in a box in the basement...
120
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:48,455
...In chronological order,
individually wrapped.
121
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,426
What am I, a mind reader?
122
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:57,664
Oh, come on, Al.
Rub Tubro. It'll make you feel better.
123
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:06,173
Al. Get your grubby paws off of him.
124
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,979
Don't you know what he can mean
to this family?
125
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,182
Money, prosperity, happiness.
126
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:19,987
Oh, Tubro.
You can be the man of the house.
127
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:24,624
Peg, Tubro will never be the man
of the house because Tubro can't cry.
128
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:29,997
Peg, how could you sell
the family Playboys?
129
00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:32,799
Al, you are making a big thing...
130
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:37,104
...Out of something that means
nothing to anyone but you.
131
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,454
Why is it always my stuff?
132
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:58,959
Don't the kids have anything
you can get ten cents on the dollar for?
133
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:05,732
I cannot steal from my children.
134
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:08,368
They lock their rooms.
135
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:15,742
Al Bundy. You, sir, are maggot bits.
136
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:20,480
Oh, if only a man could have two wives.
137
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:25,685
What did he do now?
138
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:31,224
Well. Steve and I were having
a wonderful, intimate encounter.
139
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:36,196
As usual, I was humming
"The Battle Hymn of the Republic."
140
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:42,636
Then suddenly a thumbtack
bounced off my head.
141
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,638
I looked up and found...
142
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:49,810
...Miss October hanging
from the headboard of my marital bed.
143
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,949
He found the issue.
144
00:11:56,817 --> 00:12:01,888
Well, after questioning him...
145
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,931
...A nauseous, teary Steve admitted...
146
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:14,334
...That this whole thing
was Al's perverted idea.
147
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:19,106
What is it about men? They have
perfectly good wives at home...
148
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,675
...And yet they have to look
at women like these.
149
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:24,511
I guess every now and then,
a guy who drives a Dodge...
150
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:27,814
...Likes to close his eyes
and imagine it's a Ferrari.
151
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,459
Yeah, but what difference
would that make to you?
152
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,895
You don't know how to drive.
153
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,571
Well, from this moment on...
154
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:55,942
...You are no longer allowed
to play with Steve.
155
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:59,446
And I never want to see
another one of these again.
156
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:02,482
- Well, let me take that off your hands.
- Of course.
157
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,224
Enjoy.
158
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:19,699
Al, do you ever think about
other women when we do it?
159
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,674
Peg, is this a nose, a breast, or what?
160
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,511
You really don't know, do you?
161
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:38,552
Okay. I can see you're gonna be
in a foul mood.
162
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,254
Well, until you're ready
to discuss this rationally...
163
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:44,858
...I will be in the kitchen
winning the lottery with Tubro.
164
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:52,065
What was I thinking? I said, "I do."
165
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,238
I'd already had sex with her.
I didn't need that again.
166
00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:05,645
Okay. Come on, baby.
Give me a good number.
167
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:19,626
Someone help me.
168
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:26,032
Somewhere out there must be someone
who's suffered as much as I have.
169
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:30,003
I'm only glad my father
didn't live to see my shame.
170
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,462
Dad. I thought you were dead.
171
00:14:55,629 --> 00:14:58,031
I thought you were alive.
172
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:07,707
Dad...
173
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:11,745
..Last time I saw you
was at your funeral. You look great.
174
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:13,980
They make you jog.
175
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,951
- So how's tricks?
- Great.
176
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:21,054
- And how are the kids?
- Great.
177
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,089
And how are my Playboys?
178
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:31,197
- You know, don't you?
- No, I care how you and the kids are.
179
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:34,567
How could you let that woman
sell our Playboys?
180
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,803
I couldn't stop her.
181
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:39,773
You know, everybody up there
is laughing at you.
182
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,575
What do you mean,
everybody is laughing at me?
183
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,711
Is Abe Lincoln laughing at me?
184
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,113
Abe.
185
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,115
Socrates.
186
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,918
Moe, Larry, Curly.
187
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,755
The Three Stooges are laughing at me?
188
00:15:56,823 --> 00:16:00,527
What about Marilyn Monroe?
Is Marilyn laughing at me?
189
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,830
She doesn't even know you're alive.
190
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,403
Look, Dad, you're surrounded
by great minds up there.
191
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,839
Doesn't anybody know anything about women?
192
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,908
Not a one.
193
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:19,179
Well, Plato used to have a few theories,
but now he mostly just...
194
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,414
...Takes young boys camping.
195
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,584
Look, kid...
196
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,886
...Nobody understands anything about women.
197
00:16:27,053 --> 00:16:29,356
And nobody ever will.
But the one thing we know:
198
00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:34,561
They're the single greatest
problem facing the world today.
199
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:39,532
They must be stopped.
You must make a stand.
200
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,034
We're counting on you, son.
201
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,704
Everybody in heaven is counting on me?
202
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:48,408
Yeah. See, we hid from the women
and had a meeting.
203
00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:52,879
We decided that you have to get her
to get your Playboys back.
204
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:57,417
The dignity of all men is riding on you.
205
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:01,488
Look at her, Dad. I can't even get her
to give me a piece of cheese.
206
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,124
John Wayne thinks that you can do it.
207
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:08,027
The Duke?
208
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,929
The Duke wants me to do it?
209
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,500
He's got a five spot riding on you.
210
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:35,755
Peg. Woman.
211
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:39,058
Pilgrim.
212
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,261
Listen up and listen good.
213
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,564
Get up, get out and get my Playboys.
214
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,567
- But, Al--
- Now!
215
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,852
- Well, how am I gonna get them?
- Don't care.
216
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,823
We want our Playboys!
217
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,925
We? Who's we?
218
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:14,127
Me and all the guys.
219
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,362
All except Plato.
220
00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,770
Okay.
221
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:28,007
That felt good. I feel the Duke in me.
222
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:36,516
Young ones, get down here right now!
223
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:43,523
- What is it, Dad?
- Want my car washed, pronto.
224
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,829
And you, little filly...
225
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,732
...You're gonna cook me up
a man-sized dinner.
226
00:18:56,903 --> 00:19:00,740
- What's with him?
- He's old and confused.
227
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,478
Okay, who wants a Tangwich?
228
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,956
We don't like the way
you make them, Daddy.
229
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,726
We like the way Mom makes them.
230
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:24,397
She pinches the ends so that
the orange sand doesn't run out.
231
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,400
Fine. More for me.
232
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:31,571
- When's Mom coming home?
- When her task is done. Why?
233
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,307
Because when we have a problem,
we like to ask Mom.
234
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,743
What's the matter?
You can't learn from me?
235
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:47,587
Listen, there's nothing that you can
ask your mother you can't ask me.
236
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,088
Go ahead. Shoot.
237
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,125
Okay. Well...
238
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,594
...I'm ovulating...
239
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,598
...And when this happens,
I get this pinching little cramp.
240
00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,099
What should I do?
241
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,037
Walk it off.
242
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:12,011
And remember, the next time,
stretch before you ovulate.
243
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,684
Bud.
244
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,054
No problems here, Dad.
245
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,625
Good. That's good.
Now, I must parent some more.
246
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,795
It's late. I want you both
to go straight to bed.
247
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,464
Okay, Daddy.
248
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:43,076
Dad, you're not laughing
at me now, are you?
249
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,523
My Playboys! My babies!
250
00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:02,462
- How did you get them back?
- Well, I owe it all to Tubro.
251
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:05,465
See, we were driving around
in your car, when suddenly--
252
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:08,234
Wait a second, Peg.
What were you doing in my car?
253
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,937
Well, Tubro thought it was best.
254
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:13,439
Anyhow, so we're
driving around in your car...
255
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:17,176
...And I had no idea how to get
the money to get your magazines back.
256
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:21,147
So I started to rub Tubro's belly,
and suddenly, it hit us.
257
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:25,084
- What? How to get the money back?
- No, a Mercedes.
258
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,587
Peg, a Mercedes hit my car?
259
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:31,090
Yeah. But don't worry. I wasn't hurt.
260
00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:34,093
Anyway, rather than going
through our insurance companies...
261
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:37,930
...The guy in the car gave me enough
money to buy your Playboys back.
262
00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:40,333
- Aren't you proud of me?
- Wait a second, Peg.
263
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,168
How much damage was done to my car?
264
00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,170
Oh, lots.
265
00:21:45,405 --> 00:21:47,373
But I'm pretty sure
you can still drive it.
266
00:21:47,540 --> 00:21:50,043
I think you'd better leave
early for work tomorrow...
267
00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:53,379
...Because your car doesn't
turn left anymore.
268
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:58,217
But I don't think you'd want to anyway,
because there's no door on the side.
269
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:01,754
- Yeah, but you're okay, right?
- Yeah.
270
00:22:01,921 --> 00:22:05,224
Who cares if you're okay,
and I can only drive clockwise.
271
00:22:05,391 --> 00:22:08,227
I don't care,
because I got my babies back.
272
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:11,597
Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt.
Isn't she great?
273
00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:14,233
I don't see what's so hot about her.
274
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,737
Well, you will when she's
tacked up on the headboard.
275
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,945
Upstairs! Now!
21845
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