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1
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,978
Yes, Connie, I'm coming to you
from Fort Lauderdale...
2
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:20,981
...And we're rocking to celebrate
summer's last hurrah...
3
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,583
...Labor Day weekend.
4
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:27,087
I don't know why we're on because
you'd have to be a real no-life...
5
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:31,692
...To be home on a
picture-perfect day like this.
6
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:34,762
Mom, please.
7
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:37,331
Is this how I'm gonna spend
my Labor Day weekend?
8
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,836
Sitting between my mother
and a pizza with everything?
9
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:47,408
The holiday got you down, Kel?
Let's just pretend it's a normal day.
10
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,276
Get up on the table, dance around...
11
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:52,546
...And me and Mom will
put dollars down your blouse.
12
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,281
Now, Bud...
13
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:58,919
...Not everything Reverend Felcher
says from the pulpit is true.
14
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,825
Greeting, vultures.
15
00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:07,161
Your meal ticket's here.
16
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:17,638
Guess where I have been.
17
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,816
Locked in the trunk of your car
with a dead cat?
18
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,986
And no one understands
why I scream on the way home.
19
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,623
Anyhow, I was thinking, how could
we have a perfect Labor Day?
20
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:36,957
And then it hit me.
21
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:41,061
While all those families of morons are
wasting their time going to the beach...
22
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:43,364
...Guess where we're gonna be.
23
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,299
No, not another family barbecue.
24
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:48,068
Yes, a family barbecue!
25
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:51,205
Who's gonna give it a "Whoa, Bundy," here?
26
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,909
No one? Fine.
27
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,811
Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong.
28
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:01,048
It's not that we don't enjoy
sweltering in the back yard...
29
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,050
...Being bitten by horseflies...
30
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:06,820
...And watching you scratch your
sweaty back with our salad forks.
31
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:12,293
But, honey, just once we would
like to do something we want.
32
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:15,963
Well, we can't do something
that you want, and I'll tell you why.
33
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:21,468
Because it's Labor Day, not Leech Day.
That's Christmas.
34
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:25,239
It's not Parasite Day.
That's Mother's Day.
35
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,908
See, this is a holiday
for the working guy.
36
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:32,446
It celebrates all the people who work,
so that all the people who don't...
37
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,649
...Get to live longer and
have more than he does.
38
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:39,954
So tomorrow, unless, God willing,
I die in my sleep...
39
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:43,791
...I get up for me and celebrate for me.
40
00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:47,962
Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
41
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:53,734
Gee, I thought that was Al-oween.
42
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,671
I don't wanna sit around the house
all day and sleep.
43
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,541
It's like being at school.
44
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,544
The difference between here and school is...
45
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:06,413
...You'll be out of here when you're 18.
46
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:16,824
Now, tomorrow your job is to go shopping.
47
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,827
Why can't we shop today?
Traffic too light?
48
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:22,229
If you were paying attention
all these years...
49
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:25,733
...You'd know that Al Bundy
doesn't barbecue with day-old fixings.
50
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,735
Now, it's your job tomorrow...
51
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,571
...To get fresh meat, fresh cheese,
and fresh charcoal.
52
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:31,805
Watch those chips.
53
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:35,409
I don't want you getting anything
that says "natural ingredients."
54
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,146
Kids, since we're all gonna spend
the whole day together tomorrow...
55
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,714
...Today, get out.
56
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,384
Oh, and don't forget.
57
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,654
I don't want my ketchup
in those plastic squeeze things.
58
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,922
I want bottles,
just like the Pilgrims had.
59
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:53,927
I wish you could have seen your father
when he was in high school...
60
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:58,465
- ...Before all this happened.
- As I recall, they almost did.
61
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,539
I can't wait to have kids
so I can make them suffer.
62
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:09,843
When they ask who their dad is,
you can play "Wheel of Father."
63
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:17,484
Now, Peg, I don't want you to think
that I forgot you in all this.
64
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,386
Your job is very important too.
65
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:21,889
You get to bring the benches
from the basement...
66
00:05:22,056 --> 00:05:24,358
...And scrape off the bird doody.
67
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,528
Traditionally, the job of the queen.
68
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:30,664
That, and killing and eating her mate.
69
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:34,368
Oh, what a day this is gonna be!
Can you feel the excitement, Peg?
70
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:36,904
Oh, Al, I've given up on excitement.
71
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,206
I'm going for relief.
72
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:44,545
Which brings us to a little promise
you made just last spring.
73
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,381
Sex again.
74
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:53,253
Peg, we've been married for
17 years now. Can't we just be friends?
75
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:59,593
No. I don't like you,
I just want to have sex with you.
76
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,963
Oh, come on, honey.
77
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:06,433
You promised me that when
you were rested, we could do it.
78
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:11,071
And besides, the way you do it,
it's just like resting anyway.
79
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:14,441
Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do.
80
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,277
Steve is an unfeeling cur.
81
00:06:17,444 --> 00:06:20,514
As you know, my sainted Aunt Tuney
passed away.
82
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:24,852
Sainted, my foot.
She used to pay for sailors.
83
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:29,123
She was 67, and they
wouldn't come for free.
84
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,058
Anyw--
85
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,660
Anyway, I was her favorite...
86
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:37,164
...And the honor of caring for
her sainted ashes fell to me.
87
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:41,635
And the horrible cross to bear of
caring for her $100,000 fell to her cats.
88
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:45,105
Oh, Aunt Tuney, no one understands but me.
89
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:48,408
Oh, we understand. You're insane.
90
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,811
Must you carry that urn wherever you go?
91
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,813
She sleeps with it, you know.
92
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:55,649
I can't throw stones.
93
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,890
Look, Marcie, all I am saying...
94
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:06,660
...Is that it is unhealthy for you
to walk around with a load of ashes...
95
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:10,164
...While five moth-eaten cats
have a bigger Mercedes than I do.
96
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,800
Damn nouveau cats.
97
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,468
Guys, guys, guys.
98
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:18,605
This should be a happy day,
not fighting, and arguing, and...
99
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,742
...Having sex with our spouses.
100
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:25,245
So I'm going to do something
that I wouldn't normally do.
101
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,614
Use a Q-Tip?
102
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,752
Oh, want some loving, babe?
103
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:34,822
Anyhow, us Bundys are having
a barbecue tomorrow...
104
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:38,859
...And I'm inviting you two to share
some of our famous Bundyburgers.
105
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:43,764
Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney
would like a day out in the fresh air.
106
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:47,935
She got enough of that when we rowed
her around the lake yesterday.
107
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,471
Thank you, Al. We'll be glad to come.
What can we bring?
108
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:55,843
Just the plates, and some food, and
some beers and leave the rest to us.
109
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,444
This is gonna be just great.
110
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,347
There's nothing like spending
Labor Day with the family...
111
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:03,851
...And good food and good friends.
112
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,720
Oh, God. What a charade!
113
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,360
Oh, God!
114
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:47,294
This is heavy.
Can you give me a hand?
115
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,571
Thanks, Al.
I can take it from here.
116
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:02,442
Peg, I told you, I've gotta conserve
my energy if you expect sex tonight.
117
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:05,979
Sex tonight?
118
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:10,984
My legs are aching, my head
is killing me, and I feel queasy.
119
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,221
I feel like I already had sex with you.
120
00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:22,362
So just forget about tonight.
121
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:26,466
When this day is over, I am going
upstairs and sleep for a week.
122
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,702
This is the worst day of my life.
123
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:32,239
Lugging and scrubbing.
Pushing and pulling.
124
00:09:32,406 --> 00:09:35,709
Dragging and hauling.
Washing and wiping.
125
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,711
God!
126
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:41,348
My back aches. My front aches.
127
00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:44,351
You know, I could die from this.
128
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:47,888
God, I'm so tired.
129
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:52,492
All right, now what little dirty job
do you have for me?
130
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,500
Oh, no.
131
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,706
I'm so tired!
132
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:10,010
I hate you, Al.
133
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,145
I really, really hate you.
134
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:16,450
You know, a gentleman would've said,
"Thanks for the good time, babe.
135
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:20,387
Let me clean that bird doody
while you rest."
136
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:24,424
But not you. You are a pig, Al.
137
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,728
And my arms are killing me.
138
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,238
Scrub harder.
139
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,907
Oh, it still won't come off.
140
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,077
Somebody help me.
141
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,781
Don't just sit there.
Do something.
142
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,758
No! God!
143
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,659
I'm tired!
144
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,362
No!
145
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,035
Water.
146
00:11:12,739 --> 00:11:15,842
- Hey, babe.
- Water.
147
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:19,012
No time for that. Gotta get ready
for the barbecue.
148
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,748
Oh, listen. Honey, don't touch my grill.
149
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,683
It's filthy, Al.
150
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:28,188
Don't you want me to lick it clean
so we can have sex again?
151
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,758
No. I like it just the way it is.
152
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:35,062
Last year's grease on the grill,
last year's ashes on the bottom.
153
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,531
That's what makes the Bundyburger special.
154
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,866
Would you clean up that spot
your hair made...
155
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,035
...When it got caught on that nail?
156
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,604
I feel good, don't you?
157
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,881
I hate barbecues.
158
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,951
I hate Labor Day.
159
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:02,889
I hate watching buzzards circle
while I'm having sex.
160
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,238
He's gonna kill me.
161
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,775
Where--?
Where am I gonna get ashes?
162
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,646
Okay. Okay, okay.
163
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:49,402
She's turning into Grandma
before our very eyes.
164
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,738
Kids, kids...
165
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,573
...Mommy needs a little help.
166
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:59,579
You see, I accidentally knocked over
Daddy's barbecue and lost his ashes.
167
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:04,251
Well, I guess you're out of here,
then, huh, Mom?
168
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,621
Bud, you're the woman of the house now.
169
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,856
No, I don't think it's gonna get to that.
170
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:14,294
You see, Daddy doesn't know yet. And
we have one thing going in our favor.
171
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:18,598
Every other family on the block is
having a good time away from home...
172
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,033
...Except us.
173
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,869
That means it's open season
on their houses.
174
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:28,208
So I want you to check barbecues,
fireplaces, and ovens for ashes.
175
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,845
Oh, whoever goes to the McGintys',
bring me a Dr. Pepper.
176
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,313
Hurry up!
177
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,449
Oh, boy. God.
178
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,719
I can't stand this anymore!
179
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,788
I can.
180
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,858
Come to Daddy!
181
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:08,515
I hate Labor Day so much.
182
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,718
- Did you get the ashes?
- A piece of cake.
183
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,788
You can learn a lot about a person
going through their house.
184
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,324
You know Mr. Collins
who lives down the block?
185
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,060
He must be a real stud.
I mean, he's a bachelor...
186
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:24,130
...But his whole closet
is filled with women's clothing.
187
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:31,605
Pretty fancy thinking
for a dullard, eh, Mom?
188
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:35,408
Well, we got the groceries.
189
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:40,513
Thanks so much for inviting us
and letting us pay for it.
190
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,117
I still have $5.00 left if you need
something to get the fire going.
191
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,753
Before we eat, I'm just gonna
check on Aunt Tuney.
192
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,923
Marcie, she's dead.
193
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,193
Gone, fried, dust.
194
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,829
Paying sailors in hell.
195
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,333
You know,
Aunt Tuney never liked you.
196
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:05,272
She didn't like anything that didn't
rub its face across her potbelly.
197
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,142
Then why didn't she like you?
198
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,778
Mom, we're hungry...
199
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:15,148
...And your underwear's under the table.
200
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:19,853
Where's Dad?
201
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:24,758
He's getting ready, honey.
And you know what that means.
202
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,546
Let's cook.
203
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,925
Finally, we can eat.
204
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,426
Not quite yet.
205
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:35,362
Labor Day.
206
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,031
What does it mean to us?
207
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:43,803
To answer that question,
we must hark back to earlier times.
208
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,372
You see, kids...
209
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,675
While the cavewoman
sat around getting fat...
210
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:53,079
...Smoking cigarettes, and
watching the Phil Java Man show...
211
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:57,217
...The caveman braved the elements...
212
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,419
...Risking life and limb.
213
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,088
And the prehistoric beasts...
214
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,924
...With only the hair
on his back for protection.
215
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,996
In 1492, Columbus brought
Labor Day to America.
216
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,932
And the women still did nothing!
217
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,304
And that's what Labor Day means to me.
218
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,510
May we eat now?
219
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,145
Not quite yet.
220
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:30,417
What other torture
can he possibly inflict on us?
221
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:55,742
And the burgers take the field.
222
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,714
In exactly 11 minutes and seven seconds...
223
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:07,287
...You're going to sink your teeth in the
best burger ever yanked out of a cow.
224
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,824
Al, you make it sound so good...
225
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:13,393
...But Marcie and I rarely eat red meat.
226
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,095
So would you mind fixing up
this salmon I brought?
227
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,730
No problem.
228
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,673
No fish will ever touch my grill.
229
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:34,914
Well, we still have three minutes
before we have to turn the burgers.
230
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:37,817
Come on, Peg.
This is your lucky day.
231
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,319
Look! It's open, Al.
232
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:42,689
Really, it's open,
and it wasn't hard at all.
233
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:46,159
Really. Oh, no!
234
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:56,769
- What happened to my fish?
- Well, it fell on the ground. Eat up.
235
00:18:58,004 --> 00:18:59,639
Well?
236
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,509
- The greatest, Dad.
- Delicious.
237
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,277
Peg?
238
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,454
Not that. No.
I meant, how's your burger?
239
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,257
I know what you want.
240
00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:19,759
You want me to say it's tough and chewy...
241
00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:22,395
...So you can have your way with me again.
242
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,897
Well, it's not.
243
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:29,068
It's light and fluffy
and melts in my mouth.
244
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:35,475
Steve...
245
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:38,077
...How's your burger?
246
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,146
You know, I hate to admit it...
247
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,783
...But this is the best burger
I've ever had. What's your secret?
248
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,653
I sneak over to the nudie place
a couple times a month...
249
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,922
...In order to make it through life.
250
00:19:56,930 --> 00:20:00,466
No. I meant about your burgers.
251
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,736
The secret's in the ashes, Steve.
See, I never clean my grill.
252
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:07,273
Ashes from the past
for burgers of the future.
253
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,775
Marcie, you're not eating.
254
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,978
How can I eat with you
talking about ashes?
255
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,681
It only makes me think of
my poor Aunt Tuney...
256
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:18,918
...Up on the mantel over our fireplace
in her little urn.
257
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,431
Excuse me, but what did you say...
258
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,967
...Was in the little urn
above your fireplace?
259
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,169
The ashes of my dead aunt.
260
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:44,510
Bud, can I talk to you for a second?
261
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:28,888
Marcie, come on. You're not eating any.
Take a bite. You'll like it.
262
00:21:29,489 --> 00:21:30,957
- Marcie--
- Shut up, ghoul.
263
00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:33,159
Alrighty.
264
00:21:37,597 --> 00:21:40,566
These are quite good.
265
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:45,071
You know, Al, I'm sorry
to be such a party poop.
266
00:21:45,238 --> 00:21:48,608
It's just that I loved my aunt very much.
267
00:21:50,176 --> 00:21:52,178
These are delicious!
268
00:21:52,378 --> 00:21:54,180
But Aunt Tuney meant so much to me.
269
00:21:54,380 --> 00:21:58,885
I know she did, Marce, but sometimes
we've gotta put the dead behind us.
270
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:02,255
You know, Aunt Tuney
loved a good barbecue.
271
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:06,159
I only wish she could
be with us right now.
272
00:22:06,592 --> 00:22:11,097
If it's any comfort to you, Marce,
I'm sure she's with us in spirit.
273
00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:13,866
Bone.
274
00:22:16,869 --> 00:22:18,204
But if she was here...
275
00:22:18,371 --> 00:22:21,040
...I'm sure she'd be saying
just what we're saying now:
276
00:22:21,207 --> 00:22:25,211
These are the best burgers
this side of heaven.
21836
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