Original subtitles

Peg.

Kids.

Thank you.

No wife. No kids.

No pain.

The way God intended.

Now, I'm truly alive.

Hi, honey.

Are the kids home?

What's it to you?

Nothing really.

I was just thinking we could spend some time together.

Isn't this nice.

Let's have sex.

Wait a second, Peg. Didn't we do it last month?

Yeah, but let's finish it.

Sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

Help! Kids.

Save me.

No one can help you, Al.

Take me on a 30-second trip to the moon.

Damn. It's Mom's birthday.

Kids, come in and don't ever leave me alone with your mother again.

How was school?

It was fine, Mom. This is our last week.

I better start going.

Kelly, are you failing again?

Say something to her, Al.

This is no good, Kelly.

Now, go play.

Let's not forget we're parents.

Now, come on Kelly, there must be someone at school you can cheat off.

You can't be a junior forever.

Oh, the pressure.

"Kelly, you have to go to school."

"Kelly, you have to pass." "Kelly, you have to learn to read."

How am I supposed to grow up with all this hanging over my head?

Come on now, sweetheart.

I know you can pass.

You're a smart girl.

You're right, Mom.

I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in since class.

That's science class, Kel.

Al, she's trying so hard.

Hey, maybe what I need is a smart little feeb with no social life to tutor me.

Bud, would you help me pass?

I'll give it a shot.

But I might have more luck teaching Buck how to sing and dance.

What subjects do you need help in?

I don't know. What classes am I taking?

Oh, Al, a warm family moment.

Now, sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

Wait a second, Peg.

Remember, the kids are here.

If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave.

And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love.

Now, come on.

Let's go downstairs.

You can put dirty laundry on the Ping-Pong table...

...And disappoint me as only you can.

Well, after you, sweetheart.

Open this door, Al.

When I get out of here, we're gonna do it twice.

That means a full minute, Al.

I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug.

And I'm gonna have it.

Hi, kids.

So how's the studying going?

Great. We're on our way to the library.

Bud's really been helping me.

We've been studying history.

For instance, did you know that Thomas Jefferson's wife was black?

He and Weezy were poor once, you know.

He was a real renaissance man. He was an architect and a dry cleaner.

And a songwriter. Tell them, Kel.

When Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence...

...On the back he wrote this song.

Junior no more, huh, Dad?

Al, I'm worried about Kelly.

Oh, well.

Sit up, shut up and brace yourself.

Peggy.

There's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood.

See, Peg. Now everybody knows.

I knew we should have skipped foreplay.

What happened, Marce?

It was horrible.

I was just getting into my nightie before Steve came home...

...For a little three-hour love fest.

It's all we have time for on a work night.

When I saw this hideous face in the window.

It was a peeper.

- Men are slime. - That's right.

Here's one.

Hi, honey, I thought I saw you over here.

So before I deck the whole herd over there, what's going on?

Steve, I was peeped.

It was awful.

He saw me in all my nakedness.

What did he see, honey?

Did he see your jimmies?

He saw it all, Steve.

Marcie, did they find this guy passed out in the bushes...

...Still twitching from fear?

Because, I mean, just the thought of it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Anyway, I screamed and ran outside.

The neighborhood women came to my aid. And guess what.

He's been peeping all over the neighborhood.

We've got ourselves a serial peeper.

He peeped me last night.

He peeped you?

Yes. It was horrible.

Well, how was it for you?

Al, please.

The fat and unattractive have rights too.

So do the beautiful.

I was peeped too.

The beast.

Could you show us what he saw?

- This swine must be stopped! - Yes!

- And we are just the babes to do it. - That's right.

Yeah. No man looks at me and lives.

You said a mouthful.

- Let's lynch him! - Yeah, string him up!

All right, but before we hang him, we'll bring him to my garage.

We have a stereo there that we can use to cover his screams.

And a-screaming he will be.

I know a toenail doesn't seem like much...

...But when peeled slowly away from the peeper's body...

...With a pair of rusty tweezers...

...Then justice will finally belong to the peepies.

Yes!

Marcie...

What about the big boys? Did he see them too?

Steve, how could he see the jimmies and not see the big boys?

Now, shut up.

All right, then. Are we all together on the slow and brutal death of this man?

- Yes! - What about you, Peggy?

Well, sure. He must be-- He peeped you too?

Is there anyone this guy hasn't peeped?

Just you and Old Lady Mc Ginty.

Something must be done.

I've just been peeped!

Al, nobody wants to peep me.

- Hold me. - Well, nobody wants to hold you either.

Al. He's looking at me.

No, Peg. It's an owl.

Yeah, he's seen you.

He's spinning out of control.

Now he's down.

Well, you've killed. Can we shut the window now?

Al, tell me the truth.

- I'm losing my looks, aren't I? - No.

You're just saying that because you know that's what I want to hear.

Now, tell me the truth.

Am I losing my looks?

Yes.

You pig.

You know I'm down.

The least you could do is lie.

Well, come on honey. Sit down here a second.

But he can't see me if I'm sitting down.

Peg, look. This guy is obviously crazy.

I mean, he must be crazy if he won't look at you.

You've got it all, Peg.

Like what, Al?

You know, like...

I don't know. I just said it because I'm tired.

Look Al, I let you sleep through the conception of our two children...

...But not this time.

No one is going to sleep until I get peeped.

Maybe it's because we're up on the second floor...

...And it's hard to get up here to look.

That's no excuse.

I left a ladder and milk and cookies on the ledge.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Mom.

How's the studying coming?

Great. Kelly, tell Mom and Dad the Theory of Relativity.

Mom and Dad are my relatives.

Therefore, I am.

That's terrific, honey.

Bud, can I talk to you for a second over here?

From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior...

...Not just a name on the bathroom wall.

Now, son...

...I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well...

...A dullard and all.

But if Kelly doesn't get out of high school, she won't leave home.

Then Daddy will never get his own room.

If that happens, I just might run amuck in alphabetical order.

Do you understand, Bud?

I think I understand.

So no Shakespeare, the Friendly Ghost?

No I dream of Lincoln?

No, Bud.

Why did you have me?

Peg, why did we have him?

Peg.

I have cookies.

He's not coming.

Nobody wants to look at me.

Nobody wants me.

Nobody loves me.

You know what you have to do, cowboy.

I care about you, pooky.

Really, Al?

Oh, yes.

Do I ever.

Just seeing you over there by the window...

...Really turns me on.

Come to Daddy.

Oh, Al.

Oh, God.

Well, it's not my fault.

I'm sure he'll peep me in his own good time.

Goodbye, Mom.

Well, the peeper is still working the neighborhood.

Everyone has been peeped twice.

And here I am, peepless.

Oh, Peg.

Seeing you sitting there by the phone really turns me on.

Oh, shut up, Al.

You think I'm really satisfied hearing you say: "28, 29, 30, I'm out of here."

Now, I'm going upstairs to try on some clothes in the window.

Maybe I ought to get a job in the bomb squad.

At least then there'd be hope.

Hey, Dad. What are you doing?

Sitting by the dock of the bay.

Wasting time.

Is she learning anything?

Kelly.

What's the Bill of Rights?

The first ten amendments to the Constitution.

What are the three main types of clouds?

There are three: cumulus, cirrus, and stratus.

What is a synapse?

The junction-- A microscopic gap, actually...

...Of two neighboring neurons or nerve cells.

That's incredible.

- Good job, Bud. - Thanks, Dad.

But--

There is one slight problem.

See, if you take a gallon of knowledge and pour it into a shot glass of a brain...

...You're gonna spill some.

In other words, certain basic information had to be sacrificed.

Like what?

What was that?

The doorbell.

Who's the old guy?

That's Dad.

Are you our dog?

Doorbell.

Al, I got a problem.

This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage.

Marcie's so upset...

...She hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.

Well, it could be worse.

I've had sex with mine for five straight days.

Only way I get through it is to put a TV next to her so I can watch Get Smart.

Well, I like having sex with Marcie.

Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be happy.

At least in the morning, I get my juice and vitamin in bed.

Really?

My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school.

But help me, Steve. I can't go on having sex with my wife.

I can't go on having sex without mine.

The peeper's not coming.

Oh, God. I need a man.

Let me see.

Oh, well.

Al.

Take it easy, Al.

Once Peggy gets peeped, things will be back to normal.

Whatever that may be around this house.

Al.

Oh, sweetums.

You know what you have to do now, cowboy.

Peep, peep, peep.

Peeper here.

Cookies.

Peep, peep.

The hell with it.

- It's him! - It's him. The peeper!

Let's get him, girls!

Get the gasoline!

Help. Help. Peeper. Peeper.

It's about time.

How dare you.

Now we've got you! Start it up, girls.

Oh, honey.

That was sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good.

Well, great news.

Last night, while you were in intensive care...

...I finally got peeped by the real peeper.

- Isn't that great? - I'm so happy for you.

Tooth.

And by the way, honey.

The neighborhood women really feel bad about setting you on fire like that.

It's okay. I'm just sorry I kept going out on them.

Must have been all that sweat.

Folks.

A big welcome.

For Kelly Bundy.

Senior.

I passed.

Thank God. I don't have to study ever again.

I'm a senior.

Oh, man, two more years and I graduate.

Honey, this calls for a real celebration.

- Let's go out. - Yeah!

Can you bring me my medicine?

And let's spend all of Daddy's money.

The painkiller's wearing off over here.

The hell with them.

At least I'm alone. Now, I can relax.