Original subtitles

What is it, Rinty?

You say the bad men are coming from the southeast by boat?

And they're armed with knives?

They're armed with guns and they're foreigners?

Good boy.

Thanks to you, the village will be saved.

We love you too, boy.

You know, I just realized that we've got someone in this house that eats...

...Lies around all day and does absolutely nothing.

Buck is cute.

I was talking about you, Peg.

But the dog's pretty useless too.

You know, something else just dawned on me.

That people can shower during the week?

No, love of my life.

No, that there's no one in this damn house does anything for me.

Now, I'm the breadwinner. I deserve better treatment.

Hey, I know...

...The next time I come home from work...

...I want someone to bring me my slippers.

The question is who.

Actually, when it comes to your slippers, the question is how.

As in, how can a man make his slippers smell even worse than his feet?

Hey, I sweat the sweat of the dead, Peg.

Anyhow, getting back to who's gonna bring me my slippers...

You, well, I think you're untrainable.

Kids don't care if I live or die...

...So I guess that leaves Buck.

Maybe everybody can learn from him.

That is how we toilet-trained the kids.

Of course, Bud was five...

...Before he stopped getting excited every time he saw a tree.

But that's what teachers in kindergarten are for.

Now, Buck, you just saw Rin Tin Tin save an entire nation.

Pretty inspiring, wasn't it?

The least you can do is lift your head and look at me, you shiftless, lazy...

I can't believe it. You must be the laziest dog...

Where does he learn this from?

Peg, get up!

Is dinner ready?

Buck, you're gonna learn to get my slippers.

Now, I'm gonna pretend that I just got home from work.

Oh, boy, I'm beat.

Just an average day. Kelly failed another test.

Bud's dealing three-card monte at the old folks' home.

Mommy's in Oprah coma.

Daddy just earned a cool 75 cents slaving in the shoe mines.

Oh, boy, am I tired. My tootsies are killing me.

Boy, would I like to have some slippers to go on my feet.

Al, forget about the dog. So you said you made 75 cents.

Oh, God.

Peg, I'm not giving up.

See, the problem is Buck doesn't know my slippers.

I'm gonna show them to him and give him the scent.

Honey, the whole neighborhood knows the smell of your feet.

Remember that incident with the burning Air Wick on the front lawn?

Go ahead, yuk it up, Peg.

But as soon as Buck learns how to make Tang, you're on the first bus.

Dad, why is Buck rubbing his nose back and forth on the ground?

It's a sign of pride in male dogs.

How was school today, Bud? Not that I care.

I'm glad that you asked that, Dad, because I'm not all I can be.

- You know what we need in this house? - Poison gas coming through the vents?

He only thinks of himself. What do we need, dear?

- A computer. - Okay.

Al, write him a check.

Oh, yeah, sure. Hey, even better...

...Go to the vault where we keep the gold bars...

...And chip off what you need.

Anybody wants me, I'll be at the country club.

They're having the big Al Bundy Golf Classic.

I'm hole nine.

Come on, Al.

Don't you want Bud to have all the things you never had--

You know, an education, a good job, a happy wife?

Come on, you can't tell me...

...That seeing me up to my armpits in misery doesn't make you happy.

We're not getting a computer. Computers are ruining the country.

Computers and women.

Yes, and they're quite similar, Al...

...Because you don't know how to turn on either one.

I'm not interested in either one.

- Mom, can I have a computer? - Of course you can, dear.

What color would you like?

I must be dead. I speak, no one hears me.

Al, we have to get Bud a computer.

He has a chance to be the first Bundy ever to go to college.

My Uncle Edwin went to college.

He was a cadaver for the premed students.

And what about Kelly? She could use one.

She might want to go to college, you know.

Oh, God.

Remedial reading test tomorrow.

I mean, what do I care if Jack and Jill fell down a hall?

I mean, why were they even in the building?

Kelly, we're getting a computer.

- Oh, cool. What color? - Well, I was thinking blue.

You know, we really need one too.

What do they do?

Al, do you know your dog is burying himself in your back yard?

Well, I hope it's not the spot by the hose...

...Because that little plot's for me.

Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades, we're getting a computer.

Oh, Steve, a computer.

I remember our first computer.

To buy it, we each decided to give up something, to sacrifice...

...So that we could have our little computer.

Steve gave up getting a new car for another year, and I...

I gave up my class on napkin folding.

Steve just let me.

Now he's got a new Mercedes, and I'll never know how to make a napkin hat.

Thanks, Steve.

But I'm working that out in therapy.

Meantime, you're getting a computer?

We don't need a computer, and I'll tell you what would happen if we got one:

Just like when we had kids, everyone "oohs" and "ahs" the first couple days.

Then after the novelty wears off...

...It just sits there, collects dust, and cries for food.

No, I'm telling you, nobody needs kids.

No. I mean a computer.

I used to be like you, Al.

Well, not just like you.

I mean, I cared about personal hygiene...

Had change for a dollar.

But I too doubted the computer.

No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend.

Especially nights when your wife isn't talking to you...

...Because she can't fold a stinking napkin.

I need something on those nights when my wife is talking to me.

Much like a family, what will a computer do for me?

It could do all sorts of things, like keeping up with sports scores.

Newspaper.

- Social events. - TV Guide .

- Organizing recipes. - Don't eat.

- Doctors' appointments. - Don't care.

We're talking to the wrong person.

Peggy, a computer can be a wonderful thing.

- I'm sold. - No, really, it can--

I don't care, I'm sold. Let's get one.

Hey, I make the decisions around here.

I want a laser printer.

And I'm telling you that there will not be any computers in this--

And I want my dinner.

And my slippers.

Because I'm the boss here. Damn it!

At least there's one place that I'm still the king.

Boy, what a hard day at work I had today.

My feet are killing me.

Wish I had some nice slippers to put them in.

Well, that's not quite it, Buck...

...But try to remember this for when we go to the beach.

I don't think I'm explaining it to you right.

Come on up here on the couch.

Good boy. Stay.

I'm gonna go show you how it's done.

You stay there and be me.

I'll show you what a real dog's like.

Oh, look, my master's home.

Curse the luck that brought him to that foul woman.

I'll bet he'd be much more comfortable with his slippers.

I'll go get them for him.

See? See?

Mom, is this truly the end?

Because if it is, I'm not walking him.

Don't worry, honey.

If Daddy the dog is anything like Daddy the man...

...He'll put a newspaper under his paw and lock himself in a tree for an hour.

Dad, wait till you see what we got.

Al, you're gonna be proud of what I did.

I saved you $200.

- Thanks, Steve. - Yep.

They wouldn't give anything off on the $1200 model, so I said:

"No way, Jose. I am not leaving here without a discount."

So I got them to give you a $200 rebate...

...On this $2100 model.

Peg, you spent $1900?

No, I spent $2100.

Because with the $200 we saved you...

...I bought this dress.

So, actually, this dress was free.

And you got a $200 rebate.

Yeah, I guess that's what my horoscope meant when it said, "Ka-boom!"

Al, what you're overlooking is all the things this model can do.

This is a muscle machine.

It's fully loaded.

It has a 3600-baud modem...

...A VGA high-resolution color monitor...

...A 40-megabyte hard disk, and seven megabytes of RAM.

Steve, it's the you of computers.

You ain't just whistling IBM, baby.

Welcome to Tomorrowland, Al. Where would you like it?

Put it over here in It's a Broke World After All.

Oh, Al, just because we're flat broke...

...Doesn't mean we have to live like animals.

Now, this machine is gonna wind up saving us money in the long run.

How? Does it emit powerful, life-draining radiation?

Well, I don't know. I don't even know how to use it.

I don't even know why we need it. I just know I want it.

You know, like when we had the kids.

Let's set it up.

We can put it on the desk where Daddy thinks he's hiding money from us.

Oh, no, let's put it on the coffee table.

We better dust it off, though.

We need something to wipe it with.

Bud, go get Daddy's good sweater.

You know, the one that his mother knitted for him.

You're going to dust for the computer?

When was the last time you dusted for me? Or cooked for me?

Or listened to one word I said?

Al, don't just sit there silently. Say something about the computer.

Is my family lost to me?

Am I the forgotten Marx brother?

Am I Zeppo Bundy?

Finally, someone who knows who the real master of this house is.

Hello, Al.

I cost you a lot of money, didn't I?

And nobody's touched me, have they?

Well, looks like you were right again.

Just like you were about your marriage, your kids, and your job.

Come on, smile for me, Al.

I'm not so bad. Every family needs a computer.

Dad, I've got this book report due in...

Oh, God, what do you call it? The subject with the words?

- English? - Yeah.

I've got this book report for tomorrow on Moby Dick .

I've been reading for an hour and got stumped on something.

- Could you help me? - What?

Call who Ishmael?

Ah, me.

We got a million-dollar computer sitting here.

Why don't you do your report on it?

I tried. I turned it on and I typed in "Ishmael."

Do you know what it said to me, Dad?

"Ishmael."

And even spelled it wrong.

And then it just sat there. What am I gonna do?

Kelly, Daddy's a ticking time bomb right now.

Ask your brother.

Hey there, lonely boy.

I've got this book report. Do you know who Ishmael is?

- Moby Dick? - Yeah, you know it?

The classic whaling tale by Herman Melville.

I know just about everything. What do you need to know?

What happens?

Let's see...

Ishmael and the whale were actually good friends...

...And the whale would talk.

Oh, cool.

Yep. The whale would call him Wilbur.

- He called Ishmael "Wilbur"? - Exactly.

Computer didn't know that.

And they sang this classic whaling song:

A whale is a whale Of course, of course

And no one has talked to a whale Of course

Unless, of course, the whale, of course Is the fabulous Mr. Dick

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're going too fast, going too fast.

Oh, this is so good.

And I bet the whale wouldn't talk to anyone but Wilbur, huh?

You hear that, Dad?

Make those college reservations now, because this girl is going places.

Bud, I hope you realize, when she grows up...

...It's your responsibility to take care of her.

Because when she's 21, high school student or not, she's out of here.

Don't worry, Dad.

Bud, don't you wanna play with the computer or something?

Why would I want to when I got a blank screen like Kelly upstairs?

Al.

- Al. - What?

You don't look comfortable, Al.

Why don't you get the dog to bring you your slippers?

Buck.

Buck.

Boy, my tootsies are tired.

Buck.

Buck. The damn dog is untrainable.

Good boy, Buck.

Take it upstairs. Good boy.

Close the door behind you.

He's a wonder dog.

- We've had this computer for-- - I know what you're gonna say:

That it's just a waste of money.

But I'm gonna use it right now.

Oh, Al. It sets off the whole computer.

Okay, before I embark...

...On our 78-month, 25-percent-interest, easy-payment plan...

...Do you think you could just turn the damn thing on?

- Well, I don't know how. - Well, where's the instructions?

Well, I told the kids to pick them up off the floor.

They didn't, so to punish them, I threw them away.

Peg...

...I'm going to say this simply so we both can understand.

Now, this computer cost me a fortune.

Now, I don't plan to watch our money go down the drain...

...Like with the stove, the refrigerator, and our marriage certificate.

Now, as I slowly sink into bankruptcy...

...I want to have a memory.

So I want you to do something, anything with that computer.

There. You happy, Al?

Yeah. Couldn't be happier.

He doesn't mean it. A wife knows.

I may as well face it: I didn't marry a happy man.

Yes, you did, Peg. You just turned him into me.

He sells shoes, he's flat broke, and it's me he's mad at.

Well, that's it. I'm not spending any more money on Al's computer.

Let's go buy something for me.

I'll be right back, I'm just gonna get the kids' piggy banks.

Marcie...

...We've been living next door to each other how long now?

937 days.

Yeah, well, anyhow...

It's been a long time since I did something nice for you...

...So how about this:

Buy this computer off me, get it the hell out of my house.

It's real nice. It's got RAMs and bytes and it's got a hat rack...

$2500 worth of stuff sitting there.

Make me an offer.

Thirty dollars.

Thirty dollars?

I didn't say for my life, I said for the computer.

It's only a week old and it's never been touched.

Well, Al, to be honest...

...It's slow, it's underpowered, it's obsolete.

Let's face it, it's the you of computers.

Personally, I wouldn't fertilize a farm with it.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

I don't know how much I can buy, but we can sure park till we drop.

You know what this computer needs? Another hat.

Al.

- Al. - Leave me alone!

Okay. I'll just sit here and run your electricity bill through the roof.

That's about a quarter.

Thirty-seven cents.

Whoa! That's a power surge. That's a buck.

Felt good, though.

Come on, Al. It's not just you.

Me and my kind are really of no use to a regular family.

I'm the Pet Rock of the 80s, buddy.

Come back, Al.

I really can do great things. Listen:

Why did the shoe salesman buy a computer?

Give up? Because he's married to an idiot.

Al, what are you doing?

Peggy? Kids?

What am I worried about?

No one's stupid enough to break a $2500--

Now...

...Let's talk about those slippers.

Now...

...I am truly king.