Original subtitles

Last week on Married with Children ...

...Peggy was excited about going to their high school reunion...

...Because she was sure she'd be named reunion queen.

Al was excited too.

Meanwhile, the kids are starving.

Peggy's competition for the crown...

...Is her old high school rival, Connie Bender.

Al meets his rival, Jack, who wants to pick up the fight...

...They never had in high school.

At the reunion, Peggy learns Connie bought enough votes to win the crown.

And it looks like Peggy's not going to be queen.

The kids are still starving.

And now, Married with Children continues.

Getting a second chin?

Getting a second forehead?

Gee, Peggy, I hope this doesn't ruin the reunion for you.

Oh, don't worry, Connie. Seeing you look this old...

...More than makes up for it.

Come, Jack. They're serving the shrimp cups.

See you at my coronation, Wanker.

She still smells like a bunch of men.

Oh, Al, I'm not gonna be reunion queen.

I'll never know what it feels like to wear that crown.

I'll never know what it feels like to have warm eggs and hot coffee in my home.

So you'll pardon me if I don't feel your sorrow.

Ten bucks says Al Bundy can drive his head right through the door.

Oh, no.

- Hey, big Al. How are you, Al? - Eli!

It's good to see you.

- Hello, Peggy. - Don't touch me, Eli.

No problem. No problem.

You know, you marrying Peg was the only bet I ever lost.

Me too.

So, what are you doing these days, Eli?

I'm a psychiatrist. What do you do?

- A garbage salesman. - That's great. That's great.

Why don't you say hello to the gang? They're sitting over there.

I'm sitting with the jocks. Why don't you join them.

Oh, after you. Oh, and after...

Bundy!

- How you doing? - Jimbo.

Rick.

Speedy. How you doing, Al?

Jeez, Speedy, you're looking great.

Exercise.

I'm a golfer. You look like you could still play football, Al.

- How do you stay in shape? - Running from Peg on sex nights.

You want to see something funny?

You remember the nerds, Tyrone and Milton?

The guy who used to eat his pen? Look at them over there with the other nerds.

Still sitting together.

You should have done your own homework, guys.

Eat your pen, Milton.

Hey, Peggy. Did you hear Connie Bender's gonna be reunion queen?

Hey, Speedy. Did you hear there's a new invention?

It's called breath spray.

Now, I'm gonna go try to get more votes for queen.

You guys sit back and reminisce about being human.

And don't you do anything stupid.

Don't worry, beautiful. I'll keep an eye on him.

Say, Al. I just happen to have this nail here.

Ten bucks says Bundy can drive it through this table with his head.

Oh, come on, guys. I don't do that kind of thing anymore. I'm an adult now.

Hey, what happened? Your head ain't as hard as it used to be, huh?

Place your bets.

Well, the boot soup is almost ready.

Let it simmer, Kel.

I've got a plan.

You know what they have at reunions?

A lot of old drunks to roll?

Food, bimbostein.

We're gonna crash this party and get some for ourselves.

They'll never let us in. We're under 80.

I'll take care of that.

Now, we just need some information.

And I know the two all-day suckers who can give it to us.

Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades. Good of you to come.

You said you needed some help with your homework?

Yes. Do either of you know anything about ancient history?

Why, yes we do.

Tell us about the 1960s.

Well, strife was rampant because of the Civil War.

But then came electricity, and before you know it, Marcie and I went home.

- Marcie. - Oh, now, Steve.

Their little minds are reaching out for knowledge.

Why, of course we remember the '60s.

And, oh, what a time it was.

Incense and peppermints.

Young Republican meetings.

Yeah. We cared about things in those days, kids.

I remember protesting the dress code in our school.

I still remember the principal's face when we took pennies out of loafers...

...And wore our shirts out of our pants.

And if that wasn't enough, one day I even put a little dimple in my tie.

He's a rebel, and he'll never ever be any good.

We may be asking the wrong people.

We're gonna have to go to the library.

Well, there goes another thing I said I'd never do.

Well, yes, I do need the votes, but I don't do that anymore.

But could you vote for me anyway?

Votes. Votes. Votes.

Thelma. Thelma McKecknie. Remember me?

Peggy Wanker. Candidate for reunion queen.

- How you been? - Oh, I've been fine.

I pretty much recovered from your stealing Teddy...

...My high school sweetheart, and the only man I ever loved.

Of course, you dumped him a week later.

You stole my boyfriend.

You stole my boyfriend.

You stole my father.

Well, just to let you know, I'm running for reunion queen...

...And I would really appreciate your vote.

Oh, I guess this is a Connie table, huh?

Oh, Al. It's no use.

I've worked the room for over an hour, and I've lost three votes.

Connie's gonna be reunion queen.

By the way, honey, how'd you hurt your forehead?

Shaving.

This is never gonna work, Bud.

It's not Bud. Moonbeam.

Tonight my name is Moonbeam, and your name is Piece.

P-I-E-C-E.

Now, act cool.

- Groovy. - Groovy.

- Groovy. - Groovy.

- Groovy. - Groovy.

Bud, didn't they say anything besides "Groovy" back in the '60s?

Well, girls like you still said, "Come and get it."

Let me check my '60s vocabulary book.

Hey, bro.

Power to the people.

Free Huey.

And Dewey and Louie too.

You know, Kel, sometimes I think I can actually hear your brain come to a halt.

Come on.

- Love. - Aquarius.

- Hair. - The answer, my friend...

...Is blowing in the wind.

Turn on. Tune in. Kill whitey.

Al, tell us again about your winning touchdown...

...For the city championship.

I don't know if I remember that much about it.

Now, let's see.

It was November 17th, 4:40 p.m.

Wind coming out of the southeast at 12 miles per hour, gusting to 30.

Al, let's go home.

Peg, home is where the horror is.

- I'm talking to Hooter. - Vicky.

Vicky here.

Why don't you go run for something? You know, a queen, a man, a bus.

With grim determination, I strode out onto the field.

Oh, Peggy.

I see you're a little down. Let me make you feel better.

I'll only be queen for one night...

...But you, why you've got your whole life to be nothing.

Feel better? Because I know I do.

Oh, Mr. Bundy, you are so magnificent.

Did you really give up a chance to play for the Bears for your wife?

I figured if I'm gonna take a kick to the groin...

...Might as well be for love.

You're a very lucky woman.

Are you allowed to vote for queen?

- No. - Then shut up.

Hello, everyone. Yeah, it's me, Tim Potter.

You'll remember me as president of the senior class...

...And now of Tim's Mortuary.

Anyway, I know you're all anxiously awaiting the vote for reunion queen.

Well, there's just 20 minutes left for you to get your ballots in the box here.

And for the lucky gal who's elected queen, we'll bury you at half price.

Of course, we won't bury you very deep.

You know, Peg, I'm having the time of my life.

Being married to you, I forgot how great I was.

Why, oh, why did I leave high school?

You were 30, Al.

Long time between feedings, huh?

Long time between lovings too, sweet thing.

Give it up. You'd be eating alone in a women's prison.

Andy? Lola? God, you two haven't changed a bit.

It's Milton. Remember? I eat my pen.

Get lost, geek.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, I'm gonna be an adult about this.

Connie's gonna be reunion queen...

...So I'm just going to be happy for the old scuzzbag.

What's that smell?

Do they let cattle in here?

Oh, hi, Connie.

Piggy, I see you've got a good seat for my coronation.

We will need a red carpet, though.

Can we use your hair? Everything but the roots I mean.

Well, if you need a rug, you could always shave your back, hon.

Hey, Al...

...I've done a lot of thinking about this rivalry that we have.

I think the whole thing is silly.

Truth is, I can't think of a thing you can do better than me.

Well, why don't you ask your wife about that, Jack?

All right, Bundy. Bottom line.

You know that fight we were supposed to have after graduation?

I'm starting to realize that maybe you didn't hurt yourself...

...Jumping over that Mustang.

I think you just punked out.

Say good night, Jack.

Sit down, mongo. You promised if I brought you here, no fighting.

I'm sorry. I must have got carried away.

See, for a moment there, I thought I was a man.

Kids, get those last votes in.

We tally the count and crown the queen in one minute.

Hey, Bundy.

Give a lady a seat.

Well, you know, Peg, it's like I told you on our wedding night...

...When you woke me up.

You sure know how to ruin a good time.

You know, Al.

I'm not gonna come out a winner tonight, but at least you can.

You want him?

Go get him.

Let's rock.

Fight! Fight! Twenty bucks on Bundy.

Good luck, honey.

And remember, I'm right behind you.

Smash him! Crash him!

Beat his face in!

But, honey, take your time about it.

Because I got a little something to do.

Kelly?

Bud?

The colors. The colors.

No, you're just having cherry-pie flashbacks.

Ride it out.

I'm ashamed of you. Sneaking out like that.

Is that the way I brought you up?

By the way, Bud, honey, can you pick a lock?

- Yep. - And a nose.

Okay, good. It's this way. Come with me.

- What's Daddy doing? - Oh, playing with his friends.

Now, hurry up.

A pathetic little lock, wouldn't you say, Kel?

Yeah, a Jacobsen 360.

Single barrel, two tumblers.

Why didn't they just lock it with a piece of gum?

- Tweezers. - Tweezers.

Have you guys done this before?

No.

- Graphite. - Graphite.

Well, I'm gonna go see how your daddy's doing.

You can do it, honey!

Take your time, Al. It's not sex.

How's it going, kids?

Viola.

It's voilà, Kel.

Hey, I failed Spanish, okay?

Quiet, you two. Mommy's got an election to fix.

Hurry up, Mom, they're coming back.

Who won? Who won?

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Well, I knew you could do it, Al. Buddy, you just bought me a car.

Here's a dollar. Go buy yourself a tooth.

Oh, Al, I just knew you could do it.

Are you okay, honey?

- Well, actually, Peg-- - They're gonna announce the queen.

All right! That was some fight, huh?

And speaking of fights, it's time to pick a queen.

You know, I really think I need a doctor.

God, it's always you, you, you.

Why didn't I leave you at home?

Let's have our four queen finalists up here, please.

I'm so happy to be nominated.

Gee, I wonder who it will be.

Good luck, Peggy.

Good luck, Connie.

And our Polk High reunion queen is:

Larry Fleishman.

Yes!

Throw out an anchor, Fleishman. I'm just kidding.

Okay, really, the winner is, and by a landslide...

...Every boy's fantasy, every mother's nightmare...

...Peggy Wanker Bundy.

Bundy! Bundy!

Bundy! Bundy!

Me?

Me? I...

I just don't know what to say.

Out of my way, she-dog.

And now the queen will dance the spotlight dance with her king.

Oh, Al. This is the best night of my life.

That's great, Peg. But you know, I really think I'm hurt bad.

Oh, honey, this is such a beautiful moment.

Don't spoil it with your whining.

You know, I really am lucky.

Out of all the guys here, you're the best one.

Aren't you gonna say the same to me?

Was the go-go dancer in our class, Peg?

No, Al.

Then I married the prettiest girl in school.

Oh, Al.

Honey, you know what would top this night off just perfectly?

Oh, no.

Come on. You can't tell me you don't want to.

What's that in your pocket?

My rib.