Original subtitles

Where glamour meets Dame Fortune...

...Here we are at the Luckiest Men on Earth party.

And look, isn't that Joe Piscopo at poolside?

Al, have you seen my ashtray?

Oh, there it is.

Yeah, I thought the beer tasted like your hamburgers.

It's an old family recipe.

Of course, Mom's was a little different. She chewed tobacco.

Yeah. I remember her lemonade.

Mom, Dad, I love you.

No, I already took some. Thanks.

I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow's the big day...

...So thanks for letting me have my pajama party.

You're not having a pajama party.

I'm still getting flashbacks from the last one you had.

Daddy, I was eight.

But the judge wanted to try you as an adult.

Mommy, thanks for letting me have my pajama party.

You're welcome.

Oh, no. I'm not gonna sit here and let you two make my decisions for me.

That's how we had Bud.

Well, Dad, if you remember, I was the first one to say let's throw him back.

You promised another pajama party. It's right here in black and white.

You signed it when I was eight.

"Absolutely no parties involving pajamas, music...

...Or shaving Daddy's head while he sleeps...

...Until you're 16. Signed, your father, God help me, Al Bundy."

You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now.

Well, the joke's on you, Dad.

No. Actually, the joke's on me...

...But not very often.

Hey, Kel. Word through the peephole in the girls' shower room...

...Is that you're having a pajama party.

Is this true?

Girls, here, in pajamas?

Bud, please, your pimple is squirting me.

Mom, please, it's girls only.

Can't you send him somewhere, like Steve and Marcie's...

...The zoo, the feeb tank at Marineland?

Bud, while Kelly's having her party, you will stay in your room.

And you're only allowed out for dinner, which means you'll be in your room.

Oh, come on, Bud. Just pretend that it's a normal Saturday night.

Turn the lights down low, put on some soft music...

...And dial 1-800-NO-DATE.

No, Kel. If it was a normal Saturday night...

...I'd be busy selling low numbers to the guys outside your window.

- Eat toe rot. - Lick roadkill.

You know, I'm getting hungry.

Thanks, Mom.

By the way, on party night, I want you two in your room by 7:00...

...And no coming out during the party.

If my friends knew what you looked like, I'd die.

Peg, this is my house. I pay for it, I live in it.

I like to think I can roam around it like any other desperate caged animal.

What am I supposed to do locked in a room with you all night?

Well, I, too, have a promissory note you signed when Kelly was eight.

It's for sex, Al.

Oh, no. Is it 1989 already?

Yes, and I believe it's the Year of the Snake.

Oh, please let this be a bullet with my name on it.

Never anything I want.

We love you guys.

Yeah, caught between a rock and a horny place.

- What do you want? - We just wanted to say how we felt...

...Oh, and to ask if you'd watch our house while we're in New York.

Steve's taking me to the theater, then we're gonna check into this little hotel.

It's not really little. It's 200 a night.

How come you never take me to a hotel, Al?

Because you'd just find your way home.

Look. We stopped the mail...

...Canceled the newspaper, put all the plants in the bathtub.

All you have to do is let the plumber in to fix the sink.

Steve, now that I hear myself say it, I'm not sure they can do it.

Marcie, it's so easy, a chimp could do it.

Unfortunately, we couldn't find a chimp...

...So we lower our standards and go with these two.

Here you go.

Oh, and if a chimp comes by, tell him we couldn't wait any longer.

Have a nice time. Enjoy the show.

Have a safe trip. Don't worry about a thing.

They're gone. I got the key. Let's loot their house.

You know, Peg, you can learn a lot about people going through their safe.

I wonder if Steve knows that the house is only in Marcie's name.

And I wonder if Marcie knows...

...That Steve's mother is the beneficiary to his life insurance.

We may not have much, but at least we don't keep secrets from one another.

You said it, Al.

Come on, Kel, I cleaned your whole room. I alphabetized all your albums.

I even put an "over one million served" sign on the wall by your bed.

Now can I stay for your party, please?

No, pus bomb, you can't.

Come on, Kel, I'm not gonna touch anything.

I just wanna, you know, say hello, ask how it's going...

...Watch their moist, nubile, young bodies--

Mom, can't the vet neuter him or put him to sleep or something?

Bud, you will stay in your room.

Spell it.

Gee, Al, they grow up so fast.

Yeah. Kelly's a young woman, Bud's a Peeping Tom.

Where does the time go?

Daddy, we don't have any food.

My underwear has no elastic.

Take it up with June Cleaver here.

So who died and made me mom?

I'm sorry. I'm being selfish, aren't I, June?

Well, I'm going shopping...

...So if I don't come back in four days, eat without me.

If I do come back, call the doctor...

...Because, obviously, I don't know who I am.

Oh, could you pick me up some pantyhose?

Nude toes, sheer to the tummy. And some tampons.

I'm dead. Why don't I fall down?

If you're a kidnapper, don't forget the little male child upstairs.

Have a nice day.

Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm looking for a Steve's Roadhouse.

It's next door. Here are the keys.

Oh, and if you get thirsty...

...There's some good wine under a false tile in the bathroom.

Like I wouldn't have found it myself?

Work, work, work.

You know, Mom, the house is kind of dirty for my party.

Do you think Dad will have time to clean it?

It's Daddy's day off.

Of course he will.

Coming up on Woman World, "Men: Herd Them Up, Kill Them All."

How you doing, Peg?

You know, we're gonna have to get you a little motor for that couch.

Then you could putter around the living room during commercials.

You know, I do plenty around here.

Who do you think put that bull's-eye on the toilet for you?

So I let the plumber in over at Steve and Marcie's.

Oh, they'll be so happy. By the way, did you know their house is gone?

What do you mean, "gone"?

Gone.

Like my hopes, my dreams, my future.

Oh, gone.

It can't be gone.

Al!

Steve and Marcie's house is gone.

Nothing gets by you, does it, Peg?

Except a house.

Have a nice party, honey.

We'll be at Grandma's for a week or so.

When Steve and Marcie get back...

...They're probably gonna wanna know where their house is...

...But if they don't bring it up, you don't bring it up.

And remember, no boys at the party.

You make one mistake when you're eight years old...

...And they never let you forget it.

I don't wanna go to your mother's. I see how she looks at me.

Like I was between two pieces of bread.

We all know what happened to her dog.

They never proved that.

It's Steve and Marcie. They're home early.

I just know they're gonna be in a foul mood.

Hope they're not gonna come over here.

Well, what are they doing?

Well, they're looking at their hole.

Now they're looking at our house.

Now their hole.

Now our house.

Yep. I knew it. Here they come.

I just know they're gonna blame us.

Who is it?

Open up in there!

Oh, hey, Steve.

I'd love to talk to you, but I know you're all tired out from your trip and all...

...So why don't you just turn in, and we'll chat tomorrow.

Nighty-night.

Who is it?

Hey, Steve, now, that's rude.

A man's home is his castle.

Well, mine is a moat, Al.

- What did you do with our house? - Well, now, relax. Just relax.

Tell us about your trip first.

You wanna hear about our trip? Okay, I'll tell you about our trip.

First, they lost our luggage, then our hotel reservations.

The play we wanted to see stunk...

...And I didn't get any sleep.

Why? Because all the good heating grates were taken.

So we came home.

- You have anything to tell us? - Well, Kelly's having a party...

- ...Bud's doing well in school-- - Where's our house, Al?

It's a chicken restaurant in Waukegan.

You didn't think I knew, did you?

See, this is really so funny.

See, this guy came over and asked for Steve's Roadhouse.

I thought he said Steve Rhoades' house.

And then one thing led to another, and your house was gone.

Oh, look. Marcie's coming to.

Oh, I had this awful dream.

I dreamt I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz .

Peggy, you were the good witch.

Al, you were looking for a brain.

And, Steve...

...You were Don Johnson naked.

Then a train went through a tunnel...

...And our house was gone.

I'm feeling better now.

Did you remember to let the plumber in?

Well, Peggy gave me this tacky peignoir.

Did Al give you a T-shirt to sleep in?

Steve, we're homeless.

Well, not really, Marcie.

We've got our VCR...

...Our blankets...

...And everything else they could strap to their backs and haul over here.

So except for our actual house, we're as close to home as you can be.

Well, I'm happy as long as I have you.

Yeah, right.

Good night, honey.

They're here! They're here!

Who's here, and why?

- Guess who's pregnant? Julie Shore! - She's such a jerk! Can you believe it?

I can't even imagine--

Gee, Kel, who are the old people?

Is this your mom and dad?

Oh, God, no.

No. These are just the neighbors. They live in the empty lot next door.

They look dirty.

Who do you think you're fooling?

I just saw you get into bed.

Let's go, Al.

Peg, I feel uncomfortable fooling around with other people in the house.

You know, Steve and Marcie, the kids, you.

Shut up and pleasure me.

Hey, Steve and Marcie! How you doing?

Look, Peg. It's Steve and Marcie.

Don't you guys have a home?

Hey, what's going on?

Your daughter threw us out of the living room...

...We need a place to sleep, so we came here.

They couldn't have waited a minute. It would've been all over...

...Except promises of a better performance next time.

Don't pay any attention to her. I'm glad you kids are here.

Stay as long as you want.

Oh, thanks, Al. We're suing you, you know.

Fine.

Take it all. I've had too much for too long.

Let's just all go to sleep so this day of a thousand deaths can end.

This is horrible. I just can't take it anymore.

- We'll get our house back tomorrow. - Not that. I smell Al's feet.

Can you believe Charlene? What a loser.

- God, I hate her. - She's so phony.

And a boring slob.

She couldn't turn a boy on with a switch.

I know. She's so gross.

Oh, hi, Charlene. You look great.

We were just saying that you must have to beat the boys off with a stick.

My turn.

- God, I hate her. - She is so annoying.

- Oh, I hate her. - She doesn't shave her armpits either.

Good evening, ladies.

Just a little reminder.

When you get tired of the endless drone of girlish chatter...

...Step up to pleasure.

Step up to Club Bud.

Get out of here, you little she-male.

No, that's okay. Let him stay. I think he's cute.

You and the rest of the world, babe.

Oh, Bud, you drive me crazy.

Let me give you something special.

Close your eyes.

Pucker up, baby.

Come on, baby. Give me all you got.

Very funny. Very funny.

Just another fine example of bimbo wit.

I'm done. Finished. I'm going upstairs.

Bud, before you go, can you say:

"I'm drinking milk, and one day, I'm gonna be big and strong"?

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot. There were a few messages for you.

Let me see. Dan Peterson called.

He said, tomorrow night behind the seven-Eleven will be fine.

I don't think anybody wants to hear this.

Dan Peterson. That's my boyfriend.

Oh, is he?

Gee, Kelly thinks he's hers.

Oh, well. Let's see.

Greg Barnett called too. You have a date with him Tuesday.

Oh, and wear something tight.

Wait a minute. I'm dating Greg.

Well.

Let's see. Whose boyfriend is Bobby Brocatto?

- Mine. - Mine.

Well, you guys have a lot to talk about.

Good night.

- You're seeing my Greg? - And Dan?

Well, I wasn't gonna keep them.

- Sow. - Trollop.

- Tramp. - Slut.

Bundy.

What do you think you're doing?

What do you think you're doing?

Yum, yum, give me some.

How can he get that smell with only ten toes?

- Go to sleep, Marcie. - I can't. I'm too upset.

I miss our little house.

I know, but we'll get it back, angel cups.

You haven't called me angel cups in a long time, sugar tush.

Remember what I said when we didn't think we could afford a house?

We need no home.

Our love is shelter enough against any storm.

Man, thy name is Steve.

And love, thy name is Marcie.

The warmth of your arms is my hearth.

And your strong arms are my support beams.

And your lips are my doorways to heaven.

And your blue eyes are the windows to my world.

And your hair...

- Where are you guys going? - We're going to sleep in the hole, Bud.

Good night, kids. Oh, Kelly.

- Honey, remember, no boys. - Okay, Mom.

Good girl.

Oh, Al, it's raining.

Good. I'll sleep with my mouth open, maybe I'll drown.