Original subtitles

Peg.

Dinner.

Peg no home.

She go shop. We no eat.

Kelly, why don't you cook old Dad something to eat.

Daddy, I am practically a woman. I don't cook.

Why don't you just do what I do when I get hungry? Get a date.

And slit your skirt up to your chin.

Bud, you don't date. How do you eat?

Well, just like the proud Indian, I've learned to live off the land.

For instance, let me show you what I mean.

Now...

...You see this crack between the stove and the wall?

Every now and then, I'll find, say, a fuzzy M&M.

Peel the protective coating, and you've got a nice little dose...

...Of simple carbohydrates.

Don't throw away that colorful shell. It makes a hardy base for soup.

Then I'll get the hanger, a piece of gum, and a-hunting we will go.

Oh, hi, Kelly.

Honey, help me hide these before your father gets home.

Hi, Al.

Thanks, Peg. I had a french fry on the hook, and you made me drop it.

It'll be there tomorrow.

I have a bone to pick with you, Al.

There wouldn't be any meat on it, would there?

No.

I am really upset.

I went shopping today. You know, spending here, spending there...

...To warm up to some serious shopping.

Well, just when I was loose and ready...

...Bam, you ran out of money.

Look at these bags.

This is what you make, Al. All of it.

I must be the most patient woman on earth.

Kids, I am sorry you had to hear this.

Oh, I wasn't listening, Mom.

Dad, could we have some money to go out to dinner?

Kids, today's Thursday. You know we don't eat till Friday.

Al, you are a total disgrace.

Come here, kids. Here you go.

You can always depend on Mom.

- Thanks, Mom. - Thanks, Mom.

There. You happy, Al? Now I'm broke too.

Well, we may as well face it.

We just can't make it as a single-income family anymore.

Me and the girls talked about it over lunch and we all agree.

You'll just have to get a second job.

You're that afraid I'll live out the year, Peg?

What's wrong with you getting a second job?

Peg, let me state this as clearly as I can.

I would rather rip off my nose with a can opener.

I would rather bob for apples in a sewer.

I would rather have a catheter the size of a garden hose...

...Before I get another job to pay for your shopping.

Think it over. We'll talk about it later.

Damn ants got the gum.

I'll have to get one of my fishing rods.

Oh, and, Peg, by the way. Have I told you today that I loved you?

No, Al.

Hi, Peggy. I know it's dinner time, but I wanted to catch you...

...Before you called in your order.

Gee, I'm glad you're here. I'm working on a way to increase our income.

Oh, you looking for a job?

Oh, come on. It's for Al.

He really needs a second job.

I mean, he comes home from work and has nothing to do...

...But sit back and watch that TV.

That's no kind of life for a man.

This should revitalize him.

Hey. "Chicken plucker."

Pays more than a shoe salesman.

"Must have good personality."

Oh, well.

"Sperm donors."

They want someone with experience.

You know, I have a friend that runs a pit-bull training school.

Does Al have a protective cup?

What for?

I'll put it down as a maybe.

He could work his way up to the guy with the tranquillizer gun.

I don't know. Al's aim isn't very good.

You've seen our bathroom.

And your children.

Now, this looks perfect.

"No skills, no experience, no brain required."

Well, that's everything but his name.

Listen.

"The Patty Brite Company is looking for you...

...To distribute an exciting new line of Patty Brite cosmetics.

Unlimited growth potential. Work in your own home. Earn lots of S's."

Those are dollar signs, Peg.

Even better.

Then it's settled. Al is gonna be a Patty Girl.

Shouldn't you check with Al?

Hey, I did not have two children checking with Al.

Generally, we feel you are your own best advertisement...

...So we like our Patty Girls to wear our cosmetics.

Would your husband have a problem wearing makeup?

Madam, my husband sells women's shoes.

Well, at least that shows he'll do anything.

Very good.

After a few months of selling Patty products...

...He'll be able to dump that day job. I dumped my day job.

- What was your day job? - Phone sex.

You make that much?

This is too good for Al. Tell me more.

Well, there are the Patty parties.

- You go to parties? - That's the job.

You see, you throw parties, have your friends over...

...Then watch the products sell themselves while you do nothing.

Well, I can do that.

And to think I was just giving it away.

Well, what do I need to start?

Just a deep and abiding belief in makeup.

And our super-deluxe Patty Party Starter Kit.

How much does that cost?

Two hundred and fifty dollars.

But that's just a drop in the bucket...

...Compared to your first month's commish.

Well, just how much commish are we talking about?

- Will you take a check? - Sure.

Does it have to be good?

No. We'll just put a lien against your husband's wages.

I'm in.

Yes, I did get last week's commish...

...And a nice commish it was too.

Okay, here's this week's order.

One dozen Patty powder puffs.

A quart of Chin-Away.

One dozen He'll Think It's Someone Else's Eyes liner.

And one vat of Unhh perfume.

In addition to my regular order.

Okay. Thanks.

And you have a Patty day too.

- That was delicious, Daddy. - Oh, yeah.

We're sorry you didn't have enough money for you to eat, Dad.

Oh, that's okay. That sugar water really filled me up.

What matters is that you two had a nice nutritious meal.

I just hope my begging and whining didn't bother you.

Well, not after we had the waiter kick you out.

Al, can I ask you something?

No, we can't have any more children.

Not that.

If I ever the day should come when I find a little job...

...Is it all right if I keep the money I make?

Peg, if ever the day comes when somebody pays you for what you do...

...Grab it and spend it quickly because the world is coming to an end.

Thank you, Al. Thank you.

Look what I made.

Look. It's a check. With Mom's name on it.

We love you, Mommy.

Save your breath.

Daddy said I could keep it.

Okay, Peg, we know Oprah isn't paying people...

...To watch her show with their mouths open.

- So how'd you get the money? - I'm a Patty Brite Girl.

I sell cosmetics in my spare time.

So it's a full-time job.

No, but it's full-time pay.

Gee, Dad, Mom makes more than you.

Do we still have to call him Dad?

Or do we call you Dad?

Well, I think the check speaks for itself.

Let's go to the mall now. You can watch me spend.

Dad, can you pinpoint for us the exact moment...

...That life passed you by?

Son, life didn't pass me by.

It sat on my head.

Well, I still love you, Daddy. I just don't have any respect for you.

Well, Pumpkin, the feeling is mutual.

Oh, don't worry, Al.

It's not like I'm gonna rub your nose in it.

Everyone, guess what!

I make more money than my husband!

Well, I guess when you come right down to it...

...All a guy has is his dog.

Well, Al, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

President of the United States.

Then someday you will.

Yeah, right, Mom. Try saying that when you're sober.

What do you want, Steve? I was about to eat and fight cavities.

I just heard the news about Peggy's income.

Well, actually, I didn't hear it.

The neighborhood women spray-painted it on your car.

You sure it was paint? Or was it man blood?

Buck up, Al.

So Peggy's got a bigger income than you. So what?

Does that make you less of a man?

Sure, if you believe what's written on your car.

That aside, there are plenty of positives to a two-income family.

Like what, begging the wife for some extra cash?

Well, if you ask just right, you can walk away with some nice pin money.

I know, you give up a little--

Steve, you've seen my life. A little is all I've got.

I know, Al, but the important thing is...

...Women have to work for their self-esteem.

I'm proud of Marcie.

Even if we have to share the cooking duties because she's tired from work.

Of course, my mother worked and she cooked every day.

Good too.

Not like those frozen fish sticks and tater tots Marcie calls dinner.

But I'm happy.

Yep, I'm just...

...A happy tater-totting, fish-sticking man.

Pretty pathetic, Steve.

- No kidding. - Well, at least yours has a skill.

If Peggy could nag in sign language, she wouldn't need a head at all.

How can she earn more than me?

I can't--

Would you like some floss with that, Steve?

I can't let her beat me. I have to get a second job and not tell Peg.

That way it'll seem like I'm a better salesman than her...

...And I'll get back my self-respect.

Beam me up a burger, Bundy, warp speed.

People out there dying for kangaroo, huh?

That's right. Tell the world, Bundy.

You didn't make the noise, Bundy.

Hey, we got a lot of unhappy passengers out there, crewman Bundy.

Talk to me like a person.

Oh, like, okay, like, old dude...

...I had to leave the bridge to tell you this...

...We've had lots of complaints about this burger.

- What's wrong? - You tell me what's wrong.

Some pouch get in there?

There's no place at Burger Trek for a rebel, Bundy.

Come on, you know, we got, like, a mission to accomplish.

To go where no burger has gone before.

Okay. Yeah, right. That's good.

Well, let's just start from the beginning, okay?

What goes on a hamburger?

Tomato, onion, ketchup, pickle and a squirt of beef squeezings.

Now, that is our special sauce, Bundy. And that goes on last.

You've been putting yours on first...

...And it's been washing the coloring off the tomatoes.

Get with the program, Bundy.

You're a disgrace to the hat.

Clean your station.

Marry a redhead.

You know, when I took this job, they didn't say anything about cooking.

Oh, there's some burger fur in there.

And why isn't Bundy doing this?

The captain didn't think he was ready.

I mean, look at the poor old guy.

Why would a 60-year-old man wanna work in this dump?

To meet chicks.

Bundy, Bundy, Bundy.

No, no. It's not that.

Look, you pulled another burger boner.

What'd I do, send one out hot?

- No, you sent one out without onions. - Damn.

Look, Bundy, hey. I'm not a bad guy.

Let's just talk, like, you know, dude-to-dude, okay?

See, I'm up on the bridge and I'm trying to do my homework.

What do you want me to do, flunk out of school...

...And become, like, a bum or a shoe salesman?

Look, just get back to work.

God, I never should've fired my dad.

Would the crewman who overflowed the toilet please report to the bridge?

Here's another commission check from Patty Brite Cosmetics.

How does she do it, Steve?

How can she make more money than a man who sells shoes and burgers?

Al, I made more than you losing a tooth when I was a kid.

Well, how would you like to make a fortune tonight, Steve?

I can't believe it. She can't sell more than me.

Her customers must be morons.

A list of idiots like that could be worth a fortune to a good salesman.

Damn. I wish I could find that list.

Well, maybe there's a clue in this book that says, "Peggy's customers."

Give me that, Steve. That might be it.

Now, get a pen, write this down.

Here we go.

"Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy."

Here it is. "Peggy Bundy."

Why don't we skip over her and get to the people who bought the cosmetics?

Alrighty. "Peggy Bundy, Peggy Bundy...

...Peggy Bundy."

She's her own customer, Steve.

All this time she's been buying all this stuff herself.

Al, your life is pathetic.

Steve. The fish sticks are thawing.

Carp tonight.

Oh, Peg. Could you come here a minute, please?

What is it, Al? Did I get another commission check?

Did I, did I?

- Yes, you did. - Whee.

Yes, "whee," indeed.

Peg, since you're now an entrepreneur...

...I thought it might be good for you to learn something about business.

From you?

Why not? You've taken everything else from me.

You see, pookie...

...Since you're the only one buying your cosmetics...

...You're not really making any money.

Oh, yes, I am. They send me checks.

Ah, yes. But you send them much bigger ones.

And that's what we call in the world of business...

...Sending your husband rocketing to the poorhouse.

Why didn't you sell any makeup, Peg?

Well, like I told the girls, it's not very good.

Well, then why did you keep buying it?

Because that's how I make my money.

How much do we owe for the cosmetics, Peg?

Minus my commission?

Yes.

Six hundred and twenty-three dollars.

Well, at least you're not in real estate.

- Where are you going? - We owe a lot of money, Peg.

I know what I have to do.

You didn't make the noise, Bundy.