Original subtitles

Now, we'll be gone a week.

- Did you turn off the phone? - Yeah.

- The heat, electricity, water? - All shut off.

Al, honey, do you think we should have told the kids we were going?

They'll be fine.

But if you're worried you can stay here with them.

Of course, it won't be the same without you. I might have some fun.

No way, Al. I'm going too.

After all, if it wasn't for me, we couldn't even afford this little trip.

It was my uncle that died and left us money.

That's the mail. That's our inheritance check.

Give me that.

Bill, bill.

Here it is!

Get the suitcases. We'll open it and cash it on the way. Let's go.

So long, suckers.

Pretty low, Dad.

What tipped you off?

Well, we knew something was up when you packed us a lunch.

Peg.

Well...

...Since you're all here and I have no choice...

...You may as well hear the bad news.

Uncle Henry died.

- Yes! - Yeah!

Yes!

Fork it over, Dad. We deserve that money as much as you two do.

If not more.

When Uncle Henry was losing his mind...

...I was the one who pretended to be his mother.

And I was the one who told him to leave something to those nice Bundys.

- How much do you think it is, Mom? - Well, it's gotta be a lot.

You know what a miser he was.

He was so cheap he'd buy day-old bread.

And why did he do that, kids?

It didn't matter because he toasted it anyway.

Hey, you remember that little song we used to sing about Uncle Henry?

Day-old, day-old bread

Uncle Henry buys the day-old bread

Hey Mr. Baker-man None of the that fresh stuff

Uncle Henry buys the day-old bread

Hey, hey, hey! Enough now! Enough of that!

It's opening time.

All right. Now.

Working backwards...

...I see a seven.

I see a three.

- Come on, come on. - I see a two.

What do you see now, Dad?

I see a check for $237.

I buffed this man's carbuncles for $237?

How do you think I feel, I was his mother.

All right, $237 split four ways comes to...

...To...

Bud?

- Fifty-nine twenty-five each. - Exactly.

And that won't even buy a fake ID.

So the only plan that makes sense is to give it to Bud and me.

That way we can split the money and get tickets...

...To the Tears and Vomit concert tomorrow night.

Hey, where's the fun in this death for me?

He was my relative.

And I just know he would have wanted me to have a bikini wax...

...And a nice perm.

- Tears and Vomit! - Bikini wax.

- Tears and Vomit! - Bikini wax!

Hey! Kids, Peg! Come on now.

Let's not let our new wealth turn us against each other...

...Like that family on Dynasty.

Come on, let's be reasonable.

Would you prefer that Uncle Henry had not died?

No!

Well, all right then.

We found this money as a family, we'll spend it as a family.

I'll get that.

Hi.

We just had a little romantic lunch downtown...

...And we brought a nice prime rib bone for Buck.

How nice.

Oh, there's meat on it.

Now what?

What Marcie means is, "You're welcome."

Well, since you're imposing, let me ask you a question.

As you can see, our house is in great sadness.

We inherited a check for $237.

We don't know what to do with it.

Well, let's see. Charm school, car muffler, high hedges.

Your own newspaper subscription.

Your own garbage cans.

Bail money for the children.

To hell with the future. I'm talking about now, Steve.

You could pay back the money you owe us.

Hey. A man just died here...

...And I'm sure he gave us this money not to pay you back...

...But for us to have fun. In fact, Kelly...

...What were his last words?

There you go, Steve. You can't deny a man his death wish.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. We're about to have dinner.

I have a suggestion.

Why don't you take the money and go out to a nice restaurant.

Get all dressed up, find someplace elegant...

...And get something to eat, for God's sake.

That's a good idea.

We did that once, Al, you remember?

It was right after Kelly was born.

Mom gave us some money to buy her booster shots...

...But she was crying so much, we just decided to go out instead.

You know, her whooping cough only lasted a couple of weeks...

...But the memories of that meal will last us a lifetime.

Let's do it, honey.

Let's go have a nice meal.

You never take me out anymore.

Well...

...Why not?

Hey, kids. What do you say?

- Wanna go for a nice dinner tomorrow? - We wanna see Tears and Vomit.

Well, you can see that when your mom cooks.

Come here, kids.

Just have a seat right here.

Now, kids, how often do we get to do things as a family?

You know, besides getting Grandma Bundy out of the drunk tank?

All right then, it's settled.

Tomorrow we'll get in our fancy duds, gas up the war wagon...

...And we'll dine like royalty.

Dog's got our food! Dog's got our food!

God, this is great.

Yeah, that's it. Show your lack of breeding.

Now. Be quiet, and let me handle everything.

Reservations for Mr. Warren Beatty and family.

Right this way, sir.

Hey now, look at that steak. I want something like that.

Wow, and look at that bald guy's chicken.

Could you cut into that so I can see what it looks--?

- It's all in the presentation. - How much a steak like that cost?

This way please, your table's waiting for you.

Before you see a menu, would anyone care to begin with a cocktail?

- Coke. - Coke.

- Coke. - Jack and a beer back.

It's slang that the kids use.

It means Coke.

Isn't this beautiful, kids?

Good evening. I'm Paul, and I'll be your waiter for tonight.

Would you care to hear about our fresh fish?

Yeah, maybe after dinner.

Right now, give us four steaks.

- Nuke them. - Very good.

- Potato? - Well, how much is a potato?

Well, it comes with the meal.

Potatoes for everybody.

- Vegetables? - Oh, we don't eat vegetables.

Of course.

Hey, kids. You wanted to see a band.

We wanted a meal.

Yeah, Dad. They're the coolest.

I seem to recognize "Moon River," one of my personal favorites.

- Al, you wanna dance? - You wouldn't mind, Peg?

Of course not. I'd love it.

Would you like to dance with me?

Dance with me, you moron.

Look at them, Kel.

Old-a-rama.

You are a soulless troll.

I think it's romantic that two dinosaurs like Mom and Dad...

...Still care enough about each other to dance.

I mean, look at them. You can see how much they love each other.

Couldn't you even wear deodorant, you pig?

You didn't wear quite enough hairspray tonight, Peg.

I can still smell your breath.

Hey, Kel.

Watch me have some fun with this waiter.

Excuse me, young people. How would you like me to kill you?

That will be all.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but at least she's not a hundred.

- Thanks, Al. - Hey, you're my woman.

Chow time! Chow time! Chow time!

Chow time! Chow time! Chow time!

Okay. Okay now, everybody. Dig in, but watch your fingers.

Hey, now kids, wait. We're not at home.

This is a special evening and a special meal.

And I think we should say our thanks by saying grace.

Look at that steak. I think I'm getting sexually excited.

I knew you were supposed to cook a potato. I knew it. I knew it.

This food could be trouble.

They're all going to like it. And then they're gonna look at me.

And, Lord, I'd just like to say, other people get to eat like this all the time.

The animals at the zoo eat better than me.

And more often, I might add.

Don't I rate as much as a jackal gets?

Thanks for listening. Your friend, Al.

Amen. Let's eat.

A roll!

Butter!

Yeah, was that eating or was that eating?

You know, there's only one way to top off a meal like that.

- Cigar? - No. Oh, waiter.

- You got a newspaper there? - Right away, sir.

I feel like the Queen of England.

Al, honey, you sure we have enough money to pay for this meal?

Yep. That's why I only ordered myself a cup of coffee.

Yep, figured it all out. It comes to $225.57.

Including tax, which I know about because I'm in the business world.

Oh, garcarooni. Check, please.

- Yep. - How much is it, Al?

$225.57.

I forgot my wallet, Peg.

- Such a nerd. - Come on now, kids.

Give your daddy a chance.

What are you gonna do, idiot?

Well, let's not panic.

If we keep calm, we can still get through this thing with some dignity.

Want me to throw a fit on the floor like I do when we can't pay at Denny's?

That was for $3.95.

For $225, they let you swallow your tongue before they call an ambulance.

Kelly, take the car keys, look at what Mommy married...

...And bring back our money.

- Oh, and, Kelly-- - I know. I'll be careful.

No, no. I don't care about that. Don't change my radio stations.

Would you like me to take your check, sir?

Not quite yet. No, we'll just let our meal settle here.

We'll have some more water, please. Can't get enough water, you know.

It's nature's fruit juice.

How long you think it'll take the kids?

It took us 40 minutes to get here one way.

Knowing how Kelly drives...

...They should be there and back in about eight minutes.

Well, what are we gonna do in the meantime?

Just-- Just drink water.

- Got it, Kel? - Got it.

Confused again, Kel?

Let me help.

Turn the knob, then open the door.

No, young weenie.

- You know what just dawned on me? - Two plus two equals four?

Hey, when I'm not in school, I don't wanna think about it, okay?

No, I was just thinking.

You know, Mom and Dad already got a great meal out of this money.

I mean, they're not gonna enjoy it any more by paying for it.

Now we can enjoy it too.

It's not too late for Tears and Vomit.

Wait a minute. What about Mom and Dad?

Come on, Bud. Who's better at beating a check than Mom and Dad?

God, I mean, you were nine before you knew a movie theatre had a front door.

Come on. Don't worry about them. Let's go.

You realize if we do this, we might not be able to come home tonight.

Won't be a first for me.

Peg, it's been two and a half hours.

It's safe to say the kids have left us here to die.

I can't believe the kids would do this to us.

Yeah, like we wouldn't do it to them.

Would you like to pay the check now?

I'm letting my water settle. Go away. Go away.

- I got an idea. - Pardon me if I doubt you.

And they'll pardon me if I kill you.

Just follow my lead.

He overflowed the toilet.

- What are we gonna do, Al? - "What are we gonna do, Al?"

"What are we gonna do, Al?"

When you're out of the bedroom, the answers don't come easy, do they, Peg?

I got an idea.

Boy, the ideas sure come quick to you out of the bedroom, don't they?

Watch me operate.

Billy Bob Sammy Jim! You son of a gun!

Where you been all these days? How long's it been, six, seven years?

This must be the wife. Boy, how he's talked about you.

Listen, this might be a bad time, but remember that $225.57 you owe me?

I was gonna let it slide, but that ruins friendships.

- Oh, Harold. - Well, to tell the truth, I'm a little low.

Whatever you got. Five, ten bucks. Send me the rest.

- What's money among friends. - I can give you 20.

- Well, that's just great. - It's been really good--

Yeah, right. Hey, Joe Bob Jack, you old toe-picker, you.

How'd you do, Al?

Well...

...I was up to $75, then I ran into somebody who knew me.

He saw me with the money. I had to pay him the 50 I owed him.

Sir, it's been three hours, and we really need this table.

We've got some nice water for you to take home.

Pay us.

Didn't I pay? It must've slipped my mind.

Didn't I pay you?

Oh, well. Listen, could you bring me a newspaper?

I'll be right back with the manager, sir.

Is it okay to panic now, Al?

Now would be a good time to panic, Peg.

What do you think they'll do?

It's a high-class joint. They'll beat the hell out of me, toss me in a Dumpster...

...But you'll probably just have to do dishes.

Dishes?

Me?

No way. I'm taking charge here.

- Give me your shoes. - What are you talking about?

Give me your shoes. Now.

Sir, if you can't pay, perhaps you'd like to discuss it with--

What's that?

This!

Okay, everybody back.

Now, we're busting out of here.

I wanna see hands, people.

Nobody try to be a hero.

Oh, my God. She's got a shoe!

Nobody comes close, nobody gets sick.

And I don't wanna see anybody try that again.

Let's go, Al.

Play some happy music.

- Let's go, Al. - Wait a second, Peg.

You know, I had a really nice time tonight, honey.

It was nice getting out for a change, wasn't it?

Wanna make a run for the fire escape?

You betcha.

And don't try to follow us.