Original subtitles

This is so sad.

Look at her. Every year, it's the same thing.

Yup. The birthday hop.

You think she'd learn.

Every year she turns on the oldies station...

...Cranks it up real loud, and dances the dances of our forefathers.

Oh, and then she realizes how old she is and gets depressed. Watch.

Remember that one? If you do, you must be 100...

...Because it was over 20 years ago. That was one for you, grandma.

So sad. So sad.

Bud, if I ever get that old and act like that, would you please shoot me?

Why wait?

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom.

Leave me alone.

Hi, Peg. How you doing?

How am I doing? It's my birthday, and you have the audacity...

...To ask me how I'm doing?

The best years of my life are over.

And the worst part is, I spent them with you.

By the way, Al...

...Am I still attractive?

Peg, you're still the same knee in the groin you were when you were 16.

I don't believe you. You didn't say it with feeling.

You're an insensitive hog of a man.

I've gotta do something to shake these birthday blues.

I know. Give me money.

I'm gonna shop till you drop.

Oh, by the way, Al, this does not get you off the hook for a present.

And this year, I want something different.

Well, Peg, I only know how to do it one way.

And one day maybe you'll get it right.

No, honey. This year I want something that lasts longer than three minutes.

I want a real gift. I want you to spend money on me, Al.

Peg, I have no more money.

That doesn't stop me from spending it.

God, do I have to do everything around here?

- Hi, Dad. - Hi, Dad.

Kids, why didn't you tell me it was your mother's birthday?

I wouldn't have come home.

- Dad, know what we love about you? - How could I?

It's that you're old, but it's okay.

Yeah, like Popeye. You yam what you yam.

You're the greatest, Dad.

I'm broke, son.

Don't call me son.

- Kelly, let me ask you a question. - No matter what you heard...

...On the streets, I'm a good girl, and I never would've done that.

No, no, it's about your mother.

Dad, no matter what you heard on the street, she's a good girl--

No. I wanna talk about her birthday.

I don't know what to get your mother.

And maybe your being a girl will come in handy for once.

Any ideas?

Well, it's not as easy as it sounds, Dad. She's real down about this age thing.

You've gotta understand something.

Mom was around before I was even born.

It's harder for a woman to get old. There's so many more places to sag.

You know, I've seen those college girls just starting to age.

The little lines they get around their eyes when they smile.

The hair on their knuckles starting to darken.

The fear in their face as they find themselves staring at the big 2-5.

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that...

Wait. What was the question?

Yeah, I'd like to get some flowers for my wife's birthday.

What can I get for 3.95?

Well, how much for some seeds?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, hi, Peg. How you doing?

I feel so empty. I shopped and I shopped, and I still couldn't get happy.

And look at all this junk. I don't even want half of it.

And as if I wasn't depressed enough...

...Something horrible happened while I was out shopping.

You accidentally bought something for me?

No. Worse than that.

They discontinued my bra.

I told you not to wear it out in public.

No, you damn shoe salesman.

They stopped making it. My Fancy Figure 327 is a thing of the past.

Oh, Al, what's gonna become of my breasts?

I love how my bosom looks in the Fancy Figure 327.

It lifts. It cradles.

Al, that is the only style bra I have ever worn.

Come on, Peg, the guys will look good in anything.

You mean that, Al?

You'll still love your little squeezies?

Well, sure, Peg.

But promise to keep them locked up till the sun goes down.

Well, I'm gonna have to do something about it sooner or later...

...So I bought 15 different bras.

This is the only one that comes close.

The Maxi-Force 911 E-Z Loader.

- What do you think? - I'm thinking on my birthday...

...Do I run to you with my underwear looking for help?

Well, maybe you should.

Then I could tell you that the bigger hole goes in front.

You know, Peg, I sense you're in a mood here.

You know, it's just a stinking bra. Who cares?

Let me explain it to you so you'll understand.

You know how you like to stick your finger in your ear?

Suppose that one day that ear closed up, and the finger didn't fit anymore.

I'd use your fingers, like I do when you're sleeping.

Doesn't anyone understand?

Peggy, I just heard about your bra. I'm so sorry.

Do you have a backup?

No.

Peggy, you have got to plan ahead.

Now, I have a backup, and I break it in gradually...

...So it's not such a shock. And I'm always out scouting.

The Pretty Petite 204 looks promising,

But that's more of a power bra.

What you need is a nice, all-purpose utility bra...

...But with more women joining the work force, those are hard to find.

- Tell me about it. - I don't know why we even need bras.

I think it's to keep your breasts off the plate when you eat.

You know, if we put an apple in his mouth, we could have a luau.

No. He's gotta go to work tomorrow and earn that big money.

You know who we have to blame for this whole bra problem?

- Me? - No, men.

They design and manufacture bras not for the bosoms that we have...

...But for the bosoms that they want.

You know what would happen if men had breasts?

We wouldn't need women anymore?

And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need batteries anymore.

That's what happened to my DieHard.

Let's go upstairs and see if we can piece some of your old bras together.

That should tide you over till you break in a replacement.

Marcy, what am I gonna do?

That bra was the only thing in this house that felt good when it held me.

I'm glad you're here. I need a bra, Steve.

Some makeup wouldn't hurt, either.

I'm in real trouble here, Steve.

They discontinued my wife's bra, yet my wife lives on.

If I don't get her a good birthday present, I'm in big trouble.

It could get ugly. She could want affection.

As we know, affection is just a hammerlock away from sex.

So, what's the problem? Get her her old bra...

...And hang up the big guy for another year.

It's a nice dream, Steve, but I can't do it.

She's looked everywhere in town. She can't find that bra.

I'll bet she hasn't tried Francine's of Hollywood in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

It's the ultimate lingerie store. That's where I send for those special...

...Items I get for Marcy.

Do you think they'd have her bra?

Their motto is, "If you've got the boulders, we've got the holders."

That's a long way to go, isn't it?

Oh, they don't look right. Al, come up here and hold me.

I'll drive.

I knew women looked like this. I knew it. I knew it.

Excuse me, sir. Would you know where they put the bun sparkle?

I think they keep that in the produce department.

Thanks.

So many things I want.

May I help you?

Yes. We'd like to buy some breasts-- Bras.

And breasts.

Actually, we're up from Chi-town.

We're interested in the Fancy Figure 327.

- For my friend here. - Size?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

- About this tall. - Oh, I see.

Don't be embarrassed. We often cater to people like you.

Now, what size does your boyfriend like to see you in?

No, no. You don't understand. We're married.

Not to each other. To women.

And if I was gay, I'd like to think I could do better than him.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you don't turn me on. There, I said it.

Anyway, I'm looking for a bra for my wife, who is a woman...

...Sort of.

Well, then I'll need to know her cup size.

Is she my size?

Sir?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was sweating into my eyes.

- What did you say? - What's her cup size?

Oh, like...

Oh, miss, excuse me. Could you help us out here a minute?

What do you think, Steve, about like this?

I'm not speaking to you.

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm gonna have to take them away now.

We have to try on some stuff.

Anyhow, they're about like this.

Oh, 36C. You're a lucky man.

Yeah, if they came à la carte.

- Just give me ten. - Okay.

Let's see the Japanese build a better one of those.

Steve, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Oh, come on, Al, she was asking for it. You see how she's dressed.

Al, I'm feeling a little fevered. I'm just gonna go over there and cool off.

Hey, pops. How they hanging?

Not too bad, son. Not too bad.

I see you ordered the Fancy Figure 327.

Solid bra.

A bra with its feet on the ground. A real man's bra.

Look at that.

And they wonder why we call them queens.

Yeah. There ought to be a law.

Pops, phone. It's your wife.

Nag, nag, nag, huh, buddy?

Well, nice try, Marce...

...But now the right one lifts, and the left one cradles.

Till now, the guys have always worked as a team.

This is just to tide you over till you find the one you want.

That's what Mother said about Al. Now look at me.

Thinking of Al is not going to help anyone.

Yeah, you're right. But I can't help it.

I feel lower than I did on our honeymoon when I realized Al wasn't holding back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Kelly's not home.

Mrs. Bundy?

Yes.

You're under arrest.

- What for? - Parking tickets.

Oh, well that can't be. That's impossible.

My car isn't even registered.

Officer, isn't there something we can do about this?

We can dance.

Happy birthday, Peggy!

Oh, hi, Al. I was just outside checking the car.

The meter's a little low. I'm gonna need about $6 in quarters.

Here are your bras, sir.

Would you like some paddles to go with them?

No. I don't have a Ping-Pong table.

Excuse me, sir. Are you straight?

The hairs on my chest are.

Oh, good. Then maybe you can help me.

If you were my boyfriend, would you like this?

Will he like it?

Or do you think he'd like it better without the bra? Like this.

Yeah, you're right. I don't need the bra.

You know, they change everything good.

Remember full-service gas stations?

They used to give you gas, change your oil...

...And wash your windows.

Now they just look up your dress, say, "Pay before you pump"...

...And "America:"

They do it with TV shows too.

Remember Mission: Impossible? They canceled it.

What'd they replace it with? Mission: Impossible .

I miss eight-track tapes.

I'm not paying you to speak, dear.

Hi, Mom. Dad dead?

No.

Well, then I guess this is a good time to discuss my new allowance.

Don't worry, Bud.

He's just an exotic dancer that Mrs. Rhoades got for Mommy's birthday.

Just a rental.

Hi, Mom.

Dad dead?

Just in spirit.

Well, I gotta go.

Bar exam tomorrow.

Happy birthday, ma'am.

You're very gifted.

- Mind if I get dressed upstairs? - Oh, yeah. First door on the right.

Just follow the trail of tears.

I know it's anticlimactic, but we got you some presents too.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

I told you we didn't have to do this.

Why do I listen to you?

It's Mom's birthday. Drop dead, will you?

Here. Open mine first.

Al Jolson's Greatest Hits.

- Oh, honey. - It's a seventy-eight.

I knew Kelly's would bomb. Now, open mine.

Unlike Kelly, I knew you were down about your birthday.

So I got you something to make feel better.

"Mrs. Yesterday's Wrinkle Remover"?

"Smear the years away."

I'm telling you, when you got your family, you've got it all.

Kids, no supper tonight. Get out.

That settles it. I'm a bachelor for life.

And a virgin.

If you're smart, you'll toss the present like a grenade...

...And sleep at the bus station like us.

Al, it's my birthday. Where have you been?

Oconomowoc.

Francine's?

I don't know. Have you been a good little girl?

Yes, I have. Yes, I have.

Oh, Steve...

...I've been bad.

I've been very bad.

Well, come on, then.

Yeah, that's a healthy marriage.

Guess what I got you.

A senior citizen's bus pass?

Oh, Al.

It's my Fancy Figure 327.

I can't believe this. You found it.

I got ten of them, so as long as they live...

...The guys will always have a roof over their heads.

Al, you are the sweetest man in the whole world.

- I know. - Oh, honey.

Where did you get the handcuffs?

They were a gift.

Al...

...You don't think I'm getting old, do you?

Peg, you look just the way you did the day I married you.

Only difference is, today I'm not dead drunk.

Oh, Al.

All right, Peg. We both know this isn't the end of it.

Let's get to it.

- Let's go upstairs. - See, you're never satisfied.

You know what I had to go through to get that present?

I had to drive to Wisconsin.

I had to reassure Steve that I find him attractive.

I had to sit in the store for an hour looking at nothing but...

Yeah, let's go upstairs.

Peg, who's the cop with his pants on backwards?