Original subtitles

Doesn't anyone want breakfast?

I have an egg and some M&M's.

I can make an omelet.

No, thanks. I'm still pleasantly nauseous...

...After last night's feast of the three-legged chicken.

Why would you buy a chicken with three drumsticks?

Well, it cost seven cents a pound.

The one with two legs cost $1.19 a pound.

Excuse me for thinking of our bankbook instead of our health.

Didn't you think just maybe there was something wrong...

...When the label said, "Chernobyl Farms"?

I mean, how many chickens have flippers?

Don't blame me for that.

I just thought it was an extra head.

You liked it, didn't you, Bud?

It was tasty, but hard to eat.

I mean, every time I cut a piece off it would grow back.

Can't somebody get Kelly out of the bathroom?

I'm a little queasy. I'm still trying to pass a beak.

Next.

That's me, Dad. I have to stud myself up for school.

So you'll be needing your smoking jacket...

...With matching blue Pampers.

Girls like me.

They do.

So, what's for lunch today, Mom? Leftover chicken tumor?

You know, I'm hurt.

I feed a family of four for 32 cents, and all I get is grief.

I'm trying to save money for the more important things for this family.

Can I have $70 to play the lottery?

Can't I just give you 70 cents for some prime rib?

Please, Al, the jackpot is up to $6 million.

I have a system. I know I can win.

Leave Daddy alone, Mom. He works hard for his money.

Dad.

Could I have $100 for a python?

I need one for the school talent show.

Marry your own wallet.

Oh, Al, please?

I just need $70 to play my system.

I've studied the numbers. In school, there was one thing I was good at.

But in the real world they don't give prizes...

...For the longest period by a sophomore.

- It's all yours, Dad. - Well, it's about time.

The man who goes to work, who pays the bills...

...Finally gets to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

Stand back, kids. Let Daddy show you how it's done.

Oh, and you might wanna put on your galoshes.

Oh, no.

Yep. She's rising like the mighty Mississipp'.

Now, from what I can tell...

...You or Mom tried to flush Kelly's report card down the toilet.

Oh, no. Did I let the F's out of the bag?

Al, she's failing again.

Who cares? I've got a chicken pecking its way out of my body.

Why did we buy a house with one bathroom?

Because all the houses in our price range were on fire.

Except for that lovely house with no kitchen that I wanted.

We all have to live with our disappointments.

I, of course, have to sleep with mine.

Is that its new name?

But the point is...

...When I was growing up, I had two dreams.

One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jayne Mansfield.

The other was having a bathroom all to myself.

Well, Daddy got blown off course and had to crash on a much darker planet.

But, family, I'm going to realize my second dream.

I'm going to build a bathroom. The greatest bathroom in the world.

And I want you to know something, all of you.

Nobody uses that bathroom but me.

Honey, how can we afford a new bathroom?

As it is, we give the kids candy and tell them it's vitamins.

No more vitamins for a while, kids.

Don't worry. It won't cost much.

Because I'm gonna build it myself.

Mom, I'm scared.

Hi, honey. How was school?

Reading, adding, false alarm, principal's office, the usual.

Kelly, you believe in your mother, don't you?

Well, a little bit.

That's sweet.

Can I borrow some money for the lottery?

I can't, Mom. Since Dad decided to build his dream bathroom...

...He took away our allowance.

What does he think, blond hair just grows out of your head?

It's here!

Where's Bud? I want him to see this.

Bud, get down here!

Family, gather round.

What is it, Dad?

My destiny, son.

When I was a young boy, I told myself when I grew up I would have one thing:

A toilet bowl like my dad had.

I thought it was a head like a peanut.

He had one of those too.

You're not gonna ruin my moment, Peg.

Now, stand back and feast your eyes on this:

Is it just me or is that a toilet?

Not just a toilet...

...A Ferguson, the king of bowls.

Bud, sit down.

Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson.

These babies were made in Maine, at the little Ferguson factory.

It's the Stradivarius of toilets.

And my dad could play it like a violin.

I'll never forget the time my dad took me on a trip to Maine to visit the factory.

I had to go to the bathroom. I begged to pull into a truck stop.

He said, "No, wait till we get there. It'll be worth it."

It was.

Excuse me here, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.

Bud, the toilets today aren't worthy of the name.

They come in designer colors, and they're too low.

When you flush them they make this weak, almost apologetic sound.

Not the Ferguson.

It only comes in white.

And when you flush it:

That's a man's flush, Bud.

A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot."

Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak, the tales it would tell.

And now I've got one of my very own.

Yeah, I just wish Dad could be alive--

This time, I don't think he's coming back.

Oh, look, Dad. I'm sitting on my own Ferguson.

Just like you always knew I would.

Remember this at the trial, kids.

A Ferguson, you say.

It's made by elves, I think.

Somewhere in Canada.

How long will it take him to build the bathroom?

The instruction books says a child can do it in three weeks.

So you figure six, eight months.

Then we'll bring in a child.

Well, on the plus side, a second bathroom increases the house's value.

But on the minus side...

...Doing it himself, is he?

Steve, why don't you go in there and help?

- Why should I help him? - Because if you don't, he may not finish.

Then he'll come over and use our bathroom.

Like last week.

He killed our goldfish.

Oh, hi, Al. I was just cutting through here to go home.

Hang on a second there, Steve. I wanna ask you something.

What do you think so far?

It's a dream, Al.

Many's a time I'll be sitting in my bathroom...

...Wishing I could look at my car.

Do I detect a green-eyed monster sneaking into your voice there, Steve?

Come on, you can be honest. It's beautiful, isn't it?

Al, I don't see any area marked off for a sink.

Hey, this is a man's bathroom.

You know how when you have to share a bathroom with a woman--

Well, in my case, Peggy.

You get nylons on the shower rod.

You get Nair where the toothpaste should be.

And a bottle of vinegar lying around.

What do they do in there? Make a salad?

Well, not in my bathroom, Steve.

In my medicine cabinet, I'll just have guy stuff.

Rolaids, milk of magnesia, TUMS, my razor.

Why do you need a razor without a sink?

It's not for shaving. It's for peace of mind.

Look over here. This is my own design.

This is my four-roller toilet paper dispenser.

No more running out in crucial situations.

When the bomb drops, I'm set.

Now, listen, Al. There might be looting out there.

You might wanna get a rifle to protect those babies.

That's a good thought, Steve.

I had another great thought.

I've been going to lots of bathrooms lately, you know, research.

I saw something in a bathroom that would work great in my bathroom here.

A door high enough so you can crawl under without paying?

Oh, excuse me, Steve. I don't have the class like you.

What with a fish floating belly-up in your bathroom.

That fish was alive in the morning, Al.

Anyway, I was in this handicapped stall and I noticed they have this great rail.

Many's the time I need a rail to help me get up.

You really don't want this chicken?

No. Kids hate leftovers.

Oh, don't put it anywhere near a clock.

Anyway, Marcie, I just know my lottery numbers are gonna come up.

And I just need $70 to play.

So, what do you say, Marce? You lend me the $70...

...And if I win, I'll pay you back.

Let me be honest with you, Peggy.

I once loaned money to a friend.

And that person never paid me back.

I never said a word about it, but I harbored a deep resentment.

And it strained our relationship.

To the point that the very sight of that person made me sick.

You're kidding. What a low life.

- Who was it? - It was you, Peggy.

How would you like to have the rights to Al's organs after he dies?

Sound good?

Oh, no. I can't do that.

I hocked those the other day for a tank of gas.

But, you know, I think I have a spleen left.

No, but thank you.

We have so many knick-knacks already, it would just be one more thing to dust.

If you really need the money, they're looking for help at the supermarket.

You'd do that for me?

Listen, why don't you just ask Al for the money?

I can't. Ever since he's been building that bathroom...

...He hides his wallet in a different place.

Al's bowels are draining the very lifeblood out of this family.

All he thinks about is that bathroom.

He even makes flushing sounds in his sleep:

Not that he's given up his regular sounds.

Well, I guess I'm lucky.

Steve just holds himself and hums.

What a pig.

But at least he's not building a monument to his regularity.

I am telling you, Marcie, Al loves that toilet bowl more than he does me.

Oh, Peggy, don't be ridiculous.

Hi, Peg.

Daddy loves you.

What does that toilet have that I don't?

A job.

And no one has won our big jackpot. So keep playing.

Because the $21 million jackpot could be yours.

Twenty-one mil, and it's all gonna be mine.

You mean ours, don't you, Mom?

Sure.

This is ridiculous.

Mom, when is Dad gonna turn the electricity on?

I wanna play some records.

Come on, Kel, you don't need records.

You know all the words.

Just chant, "Oh, Satan. Yea, Satan.

Satan, I'm your squeeze."

Eat Dad's socks.

Sniff his shoes.

Now, kids, we are all just a little on edge here.

I think we're letting the cold and dark get to us.

Mom, seriously, is this our life?

Well, I think you're old enough to know the truth.

Yes, it is.

Okay, kids, coats off. Daddy's on a break.

I'm just having the time of my life.

Bud.

Hi, Kelly.

Fergie.

Hey, I got an idea. What say I get the camera...

...And we each pose for a picture with the bowl?

Oh, can I stick my head in it, please?

You just wise-guyed yourself out of a picture, young lady.

- Who's first? - Al, we are living like Okies.

Can you please finish that bathroom?

I'm in the home stretch now.

I would've been done, but something keeps happening to my stuff.

Bud, did you take my adjustable wrenches?

Yeah, Dad.

You're onto me.

I've been having these wild parties.

I've been inviting girls over, and we turn the lights down real low...

...And we gang-fix the sink.

Kelly.

Oh, come on, Dad. Look around.

If I was gonna steal anything, it wouldn't be from this house.

Yeah, it must be the neighbors.

People hear you got a Ferguson, they think you got money.

Yeah, well, people hear you got a husband, they think you have sex.

Say what you will, Peg. You won't bring me down.

This bowl has given me a natural high.

Button up, kids. I'm going back to work.

I wish I knew what's happening to my tools...

...And my copper tubing, and my towels, and my life, and my manhood.

Drop that tile!

You, Peg?

Oh, Al, I'm sorry...

...But it's just that you've been hiding your wallet...

...And I had to sell your tools for lottery money.

Oh, Al. You see, if you die, then I can get welfare.

But if you live, I have nothing.

I had to do it. Don't you understand?

You see, you've got this bathroom.

Well, this lottery is my bathroom.

We each have a dream.

Yours is just pathetic.

If winning the lottery is more important than our marriage...

...Then go ahead.

Did I forget to mention you won't make it to the door?

Come on, Peg. Sit down here.

Peg...

Honey, we don't need the lottery.

We've got each other.

I want the lottery.

Peg, all I'm asking you to do is nothing.

Nobody does that better than you.

Just pretend the kids are hungry and I've got the flu.

Just sit on the couch and pretend you don't exist?

- Yes. - Like that time you broke your foot?

Yes. Just for one week. Can you do it for me, please?

You're so cute when you beg.

I'll do it, Al.

Peg, there's just one other thing.

If you have to steal for the lottery, for one week...

- ...Steal from the kids, okay? - Okay.

Oh, Peg, a funny thing happened.

I was at the gas station the other day...

...And I was rubbing my eyes.

This mechanic came over to me and he said, "Don't do that. I own those."

What do you think he meant?

Well, you know how foreigners are, honey.

They think they own everything.

And congratulations to our $60 million winner:

Mr. Soo Lum Park.

Not bad for two weeks in the country, hey, Soo?

Did anybody take my skateboard?

Oh, leave me alone.

Well, Daddy finally finished his bathroom.

You know, the living room seems so much bigger without the Ferguson.

This must be quite a moment for your father.

He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as we speak.

Must be having fun. He's been in there for over an hour.

How was it, Al?

I don't know, Peg.

I'm constipated.

This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad.

Do you want me to undercook you some chicken, honey?

No, but thanks anyway, Peg.

It'll take something a lot stronger than raw chicken to get me fixed up.

And now stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup:

Roseanne, Moonlighting...

...And the award-winning thirtysomething .

Now, that's a man's flush.