Original subtitles

They don't fit.

And your ad said, "We fit every foot."

Yes, ma'am, but our problem is...

...What we're dealing with is not what Webster meant by "feet."

Now, let's face it, girls...

...What we've got here are rib roasts with nails.

Now, what I would suggest is surrounding your tootsies...

...With those little potatoes wrapped in foil and served with dry wine.

Well!

Over here, dear. Just put them anywhere.

Hi, Al. Honey, you would've been so proud of me.

I spent every penny you have but not a cent more.

Now I need a little tip for Alajandro.

Sure. Don't touch my wife.

Kmart, tomorrow, ten-ish.

Peg, I understand your great need to shop.

After all, you have to do something to break up that nothing you do at home.

But, you know, as I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself:

"Hey, I got a wife. I have to.

Why else would I not care about my health?"

What's your point, Al?

I don't have any clean shirts, Peg.

Do what I do. Buy a new one.

I would have, but I didn't want to wake you...

...Prying my wallet out of your claws.

Let's try this: Pretend the mall closes at three.

Go home and clean my clothes.

What am I being punished for?

Okay, Al. I'll do the wash.

But first, give me more money.

I need quarters for the machine.

You're not gonna get me twice. We own that machine.

I don't wanna do the wash, Al.

There's nothing to buy there.

I know, let's compromise: Give me some money...

...And on your way home pick up Chinese food...

...And we'll have a nice dinner.

Peg, I'm serious. Look at this shirt. It doesn't show up in a mirror.

Now, go home, do the wash. Until then you're cut off.

Understand? No money.

Yes, Al.

If you'll excuse me, the sun is setting, and my shirt wants to party.

I have to put these shoes away.

- Al. - No more money.

No more money.

- Bless you. - Thank you, dear.

Better take something for that cough, Peg.

Oh, I already did.

Honey, I'm gonna go home now and think about doing your laundry.

Excuse me, ma'am. Where's the pharmacy?

Thank you, ma'am.

Al, Al! Guess what I just saw.

- A mother with her children? - No.

- Al, I just saw Elvis. - Elvis who, Peg?

Elvis Presley. The King. The Pelvis.

Peg, let me explain three things to you: Number one, Elvis is dead.

Number two, Elvis wasn't any good when he was alive.

And number three, if he was alive he'd want you to clean my shirt.

You don't believe me?

As much as when you told me cleaning promotes heart disease.

Well, that was a mistake.

They meant smoking, but I didn't want to quit smoking.

Honey, I really did. I just saw Elvis.

There's only one dead guy in the mall, and you're looking at him.

Now, go home and clean my shirts.

Al, I saw Elvis.

And if it turns out it really was him, I want you to give me $500.

Peg, if it turns out to be Elvis, I'll give you everything I have.

I'd rather have $500.

So I searched every store in the mall, but Elvis was gone.

I know it was him, Marcie.

He looked just like he did when they buried him.

I loved Elvis. I wish he were alive.

He's the one person I'd cheat on Steve with.

Well, him and "Boom Boom" Mancini.

I'm telling you, Marcie, I saw him.

Look, Peggy, a lot of people think they saw Elvis.

He was an idol. A sex symbol.

And with men what they are today...

...Is it any wonder we look to the dead for a little excitement?

Believe me, Peggy, no one wishes he were alive more than I do.

I've been to Graceland.

I saw him in Vegas.

His buns alive with magic.

His voice pulsing through me, reaching my secret places.

His hips undulating, swirling, grinding.

Driving his essence into my very soul again and again.

Faster and faster until-- Until...

Can I have a cigarette?

Anyhow, what I'm saying here is Elvis is dead...

...And we should get on with our lives.

Oh, God.

Do you realize that you just had more sex today in this house...

...Than I've had in 16 years of marriage.

And it lasted longer.

Oh, well. At least I've got my health.

Come in.

No, Peggy, that's the dryer.

It means it's done.

- Well, what do we do now? - You fold them.

I don't like this at all.

Oh, Marcie, he was so real.

Can you imagine what it must have been like to really be married to Elvis?

And to have his baby.

But Steve's just as good.

See, Peggy, washing isn't so bad.

Yeah, you could be right.

It's a lot better than just throwing these clothes away.

Gee, you can use them again and again.

Marcie, this is remarkable.

You got all the yellow out.

Al's T-shirts are gray again.

And all the stains are gone.

Oh, except for this one.

Give me that.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, don't worry, Marce.

The numbing in the fingers is only temporary.

It's caused by the special oils and spices in Al's body.

No, Peggy. Look at the stain.

It's the King.

Yeah, it's a good one, but by no means one of Al's best.

No, look at the shape of it. It's Elvis' face.

Al sweated Elvis.

- It does look like him. - It is him.

It's a sign. You did see Elvis. You've been chosen.

Elvis is alive in Al's underwear.

Poor Elvis.

First Vegas and now this.

Let's see what else he sweat.

You know, Marce, I've always wondered why Al was born.

Now it's so clear.

Al's armpits are the doorway to another dimension.

Quick, Al, raise your arms.

Quick, Al, lower them.

It's death all right, but nobody we know.

The rest of this stuff is clean. Damn it.

Excuse me, Peg, but much like I said on our honeymoon...

...What's happening here?

Look, Al. You sweated Elvis.

Peg, if Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me. What's your point, Peg?

Honest, honey. You sweated Elvis Presley.

You know, you may have the brains of a shoe salesman...

...But you have the pores of Michelangelo.

Al, do you know what this means?

That the tough part of my day is not over yet?

No, Al. It means I really did see Elvis in the mall.

It means he is alive.

And it means he's trying to contact me.

Oh, honey, I finally understand the real purpose of my life.

It's to use you.

Not as I have been, but as an extension cord to the King.

He's alive. He's alive. She saw him.

You want to see Elvis? I'll show you Elvis.

Now that we've seen Elvis and felt his presence...

...Let's honor him by doing something he really loved to do:

Eat dinner.

Now I'm going to do something that Al Bundy loves to do.

I'll let you know if I conjure up any superstars.

Heathen.

Don't let anyone touch that shirt.

The world must know.

I'm going to call my Elvis fan club hotline.

- Then what will happen? - They may send a representative.

Get your dogs.

Get your Elvis you-ain't-nothing-but-a-hound dogs.

I'll take ten.

And then Elvis said to me:

"Peggy, I could've talked through anyone...

...But I chose you because I like a woman with tall hair."

And then we held hands.

This one.

And then, as if the kiss wasn't enough...

...Elvis gave me a massage.

Peggy, can I see you a minute?

Did he really give you a massage?

Well, it was more like he kind of bumped into me.

But, you know, when you're married to Al, that is a massage.

- Go on. Go on. - Well, then he said:

"Leave your husband. He ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Come with me, and we'll enjoy a life of fast living, fast cars, and fast food."

He actually said that?

Well, his exact words were, "Excuse me, ma'am."

But it was the way he said it.

Oh, I envy you, Peggy.

My only brush with destiny...

...Was when Clark Gable came to me in a dream and said:

"Keep your own teeth as long as you can."

Then Steve's stupid appendix burst, and I woke up.

That's Steve for you.

Now every time I see that scar, I think what might have been.

Come on, Marcie, snap out of it.

Clark Gable is dead. Let's get back to the living.

- Now, when Elvis comes for me-- - Pardon me.

Could you show us again how Elvis sneered...

...When he found out your husband sold shoes?

Excuse me, Marcie. My public.

God, what a miserable day.

Peg, wanna get me a beer?

Peg?

Will somebody talk to me here?

Sure, Daddy. Get up and go away.

The Webstocks are on our package deal...

...Which includes a tour and priority seating...

...So why don't you go make change for the pay toilet.

I'm Myra Webstock. We're up from Tecumseh, Iowa.

Don't you just love Elvis?

Get out.

Daddy. Be nice.

Don't you understand? We're competing with Graceland here.

- Go to your room. - I can't, Dad.

That's our "Heartbreak Hotel."

Why is it that Elvis is dead and I'm the one in hell?

You know, the woman in Denver who saw Elvis in her eggs was much nicer.

Everyone. Everyone, I want you to meet the man that sweated Elvis.

My husband, the man with the golden gland.

- Hi, there. I'm Ollie. - I'm Lew.

- We're with 20th Century Shrines. - That's for me, Dad.

Bundy's the name, bilking the public's my game.

Well, we have your order right here.

Let's see.

- "Two gross of skinny Elvis pens. - Yep.

Two gross of fat Elvis pens.

1000 rolls of 'Love Me Tender' toilet paper..."

- Yep. - Yep.

Wait a second. Where's my "Jailhouse Rock" shower soap?

- We're out. Big prison order. - Damn.

Dad, could you raise both your arms?

The Webstocks want to put each of their heads under there for a picture.

There's five bucks in it for you.

Is there no pride left in this family?

And then I said, "Hey, Elvis. Tell me true...

...Who do you like better, Priscilla or me?"

And he raised his head up from that pizza...

...And with pepperoni on his breath, he sang this to me:

Dad, Dad, here's a quarter.

Throw it at Mom, we'll get the ball rolling.

Kids, don't you see what you're doing here?

You're taking money off of hard-working morons.

How are you gonna sleep at night?

Well, we could always rest our heads on this.

They're here. They're here.

Peg, what are you doing?

You know, I had a hard day.

All I want is some peace, a meal, and some hemlock.

Is that too much to ask?

Boy, you just can't stand not being the center of attention.

It's finally my moment in the sun, and here you are, Mr. Total Eclipse.

What could Elvis have been thinking when he sweated himself through you?

It was probably one of those spontaneous, happy-go-lucky things...

...That dead guys do.

All right, everybody. Announcement. Announcement.

This is my home.

And I want everybody to get--

Peggy, I'd like you to meet the National Academy of Elvis Impersonators.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy, ma'am.

- Howdy, ma'am. - Howdy, ma'am.

Look, Al, "Elvii."

Peg, I'm going to say this as plainly as I can:

It's either Elvis or me. Now, what's it gonna be?

- Eight o'clock, Bundy. - Thanks, Clyde.

Where were you last night, Steve? I banged on your door for 15 minutes.

I was looking for a place to stay.

What didn't you stay at the Elvis tent city that sprang up on my lawn?

Let me get to the point of my visit, Al.

I'm suing you. My wife won't leave your house.

Well, neither will mine, but they threw me out of court.

This Elvis thing is ruining my life.

I used to have a wife that enjoyed my company.

We'd come home from work, we'd talk, we'd laugh.

We'd share little banking anecdotes.

That was before your wife and your sweat stain ruined my life.

Now Marcie's at your house.

And it's pretty difficult to discuss supply-side economics...

...With a woman riding the shoulders of a black man singing "Viva Las Vegas."

So, what's your beef, Steve?

I want my wife back.

Steve, if it was up to me, you'd have your wife back.

And mine too.

But it's not up to me. Our women have gone insane.

I've learned, much like when they're shopping, sick or horny...

...Best to stay out of their way.

Why is it only women see Elvis?

Men at least see UFOs, something useful for mankind.

I think we see UFOs because we have to.

It's the only way we can get out of here.

The only thing that keeps me going is thinking one day a spaceship will land.

Hopefully, on garbage day.

Then a gorgeous Martian with three big hooters comes out...

...And says, "I can't speak, I have no parents...

...And I have no idea what good sex is.

Hop aboard, my planet su planet."

What's the third hooter for?

One on the back for dancing.

You know what the worst part is?

No one dances slow anymore?

No.

It's that there are people out there even dumber than women.

And they're at my house right now, buying rides on my couch.

I wish I was a lowlife con man like my kids...

...So I could make some money off this thing.

Give yourself some credit, Al. You're low enough.

- You're just not smart enough. - Thanks, Steve.

I'm not telling you anything Peggy hasn't told Marcie...

...And Marcie hasn't told me a thousand times.

Point is, why should everyone make money off your sweat but you?

And me.

You know what we say at the bank:

"When opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing."

- We gotta get in on this. - I don't know, Steve.

My kids got the market cornered. They're selling everything. What's left?

I mean, what really says Elvis?

Shoes.

Blue suede shoes.

We could sell blue suede shoes.

Al, I like it. I like it.

All right. Now.

I'll be the brains and the money, and you, you'll be...

Well, you'll be in the way. Partners?

Get your blue suede shoe--

Peg.

What did you do now?

Oh, Al. Something terrible has happened.

Elvis was spotted in Youngstown, Ohio...

...Buying quarter-inch lug nuts at Willie Hardware and Lumber.

As if the King would really do that.

Do you know what this means? Now I am just an ordinary woman.

Married to you.

Oh, Al, I'm so depressed. Hold me.

Steve, we've got 700 pairs of blue suede shoes.

What are we gonna do?

Oh, Al, I'm so depressed. Hold me.

People are so stupid.

Elvis didn't say a thing to me about Ohio.

Probably found out I had children.

I knew those kids would ruin my life.

Look, I'm gonna drive to Youngstown right now and straighten this thing out.

Steve, that's it. We'll go to Youngstown.

- You'd do that for me? - Yeah, sure, Peg. Right. For you.

Grab the shoes, Steve. Let's go.