Original subtitles

Peg, you were great last night.

You did what every man dreams his wife will do.

You were asleep before I got home and you were out of bed before I woke up.

How can I ever thank you?

You could stop eating beans before bed.

Hey, what's all this?

I get breakfast too?

Peg!

Bring it on.

Spices too? Do the kids know about this?

- No. - Good. Bring it on.

- Al, honey... - Yes, sweetheart?

Before I serve you, I have some great news.

Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?

No, Al, but that's so funny.

You're just the greatest.

Who's coming to stay with us, Peg?

- Just my mother. - No.

- And my uncles Irwin and Otto. - No, no.

- And the Wanker triplets. - No, no, no.

But, Al, they're my aunts. They're no trouble.

Peg, God only knows how old they are, and they sleep in the same bed.

It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed and your mother sleeps in three.

Well, honey, they'll only stay for an undetermined period of time.

Peg, this is the first three-day weekend I've had in a year.

I won't have a good time. You and the kids will be there.

But not the Wanker wagon from Milwaukee.

Peg, please, not that.

Hondo's on this weekend. It's some of the Duke's best work.

It's never on TV. I got a blank tape all ready.

I wanna watch Hondo , Peg. I want a clean tape of Hondo .

No one is going to interrupt you watching Hondo .

Remember when they were here last year? Shane was on.

Just before it came on, Otto bet Irwin...

...He couldn't put his head through the TV.

I didn't see Shane that year, Peg.

Well, I know, Al, but you saw the end from the emergency room.

"Come back, Shane. Shane. Goodbye, Shane." That's all I saw, Peg.

I didn't even see the credits because your mother lumbered in front of me.

By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.

You should be nice to them, Al.

After all, they're the only people in the world...

...Who think that what you do is skilled labour.

What do you say, Al?

Can my family come for a visit?

Because they're on their way.

Since you went to all this trouble, why not?

All right, where's breakfast?

Gee, I don't know. I didn't cook anything.

Well, that's the sound of the axle hitting the road.

It means one of two things.

Either everybody in China just jumped off a chair, or your family's here.

They brought the horse trailer. Your mom in there, Peg?

It's the only way that she can travel, Al.

- Otto. - Peggy.

Your home still looks like a filth hole.

- Irwin - Peg.

You've got a beautiful home.

And Milly, Elena, Eadie.

Hi, Peggy. We're triplets, you know.

You look fabulous.

- Where's Mom? - We'll leave her in the sun...

...Until she heats up and gets slippery.

That way, we won't have to damage the truck getting her out.

Somebody left the WD-40 at home.

Somebody didn't put it on the list.

How am I doing? I'm pretty good. Thank you for asking.

Now, listen, before the festival of the inbreds starts...

...I want everybody to know Hondo will be coming on.

During Hondo , there will be no belly butting...

...No spitting for distance...

...And no one running around with underwear on their heads.

We could've gone to a hotel.

- Hey, look who's here. - Hey.

Uncle Irwin.

Otto.

Uncle Otto.

You look great.

And you, my darling, I could sell you.

Let me tell you what the going rate is.

As you can see, Bud hasn't changed a bit.

Same wit, same zit, same underwear.

Well, now that we're all together, how about a hootenanny?

No. God, no, no!

Wait. Wait. Wait. No hootenanny. I forgot to put that on the list.

Too late, Al.

Just the boys.

Just the girls.

Just Al.

Just like the old days.

Before music.

Are you gonna put your head through the TV again?

If you're good.

Can I relax now?

Stop. Stop.

Please stop.

I'm not a Wanker, and you're killing me.

Peggy, we're famished.

Al, how about taking us out to eat?

What the hell. Kids, you didn't really want to go to college, did you?

We'd rather eat.

If we're gonna go, we should go.

Because once we unload your mom, it's hard to squeeze her back in.

She kicks like a mule.

Will you put your head in the salad bar again?

If you're good.

You know...

...You're not good enough for our family.

Yeah, right. I've never been up on a morals charge.

Nine hundred ninety-nine...

...1000. He did it.

Nice example for the children, Irwin.

Why don't you show them how to debone a cow while you're at it?

You've always been jealous of me.

Yes, I've always secretly wanted to be a...beast of burden.

Now, now. Let's not spoil our good time.

Now, make up, you two.

- Blowfish. - Squid.

Well, that's better.

Mom, are we going to the pony rides...

...To see the look on the horse's face when Uncle Irwin chooses his mount?

No, not today, honey.

Ever since Daddy paid for lunch with his watch, he's been a crab apple.

I think he's mad at us.

Don't take it personally.

Daddy always takes a noose with him into the bathroom.

Daddy's in the bathroom?

Mom's up there taking a bath.

Well, maybe he won't notice.

Peg, I'm blind.

Very funny, Al.

No, really, Peg. I saw your mother naked.

Everything went black. I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart.

Now I'm not gonna see Hondo , Peg.

Stop being a baby.

It's only hysterical blindness.

It happened to her doctor. It wears off eventually.

Wait. It's starting to come back. I see shapes.

I see...straw.

Kelly.

Al, we have to talk.

Well, I'm broke and I'm blind, Peg. What else is there to talk about?

You haven't been very nice to my family.

Well, neither has nature. Go bother it.

Al, you know I don't ask much of you because I know how limited you are...

...But please do me a favour...

...And just say something to them.

Go home.

- Does that take care of it, Peg? - That's a nice start.

Just show them that you care.

Go home, and drive safely.

Ask them how they're doing.

For me, sweetums.

- That's all I have to do, Peg? - That's it.

Otto, Irwin, how you doing?

We're desolate.

We'll need the triplets.

I'll go. They sleep in Kelly's room. Her bed often has a lot of people on it.

Then Irwin and Otto get to sleep on your bed...

...With the rotting rubber sheets.

Al, I wanna let you in on a little family secret.

You're the fourth triplet?

Well, I know everybody thinks that the family income...

...Is derived primarily from the still.

- And the home yoghurt business. - Quiet, Mr. Pork-at-the-Bottom.

- It'll catch on. - Oh, please.

Anyhow, the triplets add greatly to our income.

Otto, excuse me.

Kelly, go upstairs.

They sing. They sing at carnivals, beer fests.

Last month, they worked regular and cleared a neat $88.50.

Don't tell the IRS.

Now something's happened that's threatened the act.

They faced the audience?

Elena...

...Tell him what you wanna do.

I wanna marry.

Somebody outside the family, right?

Well, in Wanker county...

...Nobody's really outside the family.

Well, how about that boy, John, who works at the feed store?

Yeah.

I guess he's family.

Will someone listen to me, please?

Peg, if Elena gets married, the triplets will be torn asunder.

And worse, if she goes on a honeymoon, we'll lose 17 gigs.

That's $34 and change.

Interest will wane. Oh, my God, the public will forget.

It happens. Look at Glen Campbell.

Al, don't let that happen.

Gee, it's a little late, Peg. Glen's career is what it is.

Al, you're a professional man, a shoe salesman.

If anybody can solve this, you can.

- Solve what? - Should she marry or not?

Peg, I'm not touching this. I mean that in every sense of the word.

If I get involved in your family's problems...

...I always end up missing a good movie and I get called an idiot.

Well, not this time, Al. They need you.

Look at their faces.

All right, I'll help, but I'm not looking at them.

- Is someone willing to marry you? - Yes.

Then you have my blessing and he has my pity.

Do it.

God, you're an idiot.

You had to say something. You couldn't just say...

... "I don't know," like when I ask you when you'll be done in the bathroom.

Why did we come to you?

They could be up there crying their six eyes out.

Great. On my bed. Thank you so much, Daddy.

That's it. I'm out of here.

Al, you can't leave during a family crisis.

It's not a family. It's a lab experiment.

Where are you going?

I love these perfect times together. The wine is chilled, the candles are lit.

And we are a kiss away from magnificent earth-shattering sex.

Ignore it. Whoever it is will go away.

Hey, you guys, open up. I know you're in there.

This is a test of wills. I am not answering the door to that man.

Man, what a day.

Get me a beer, will you, Marce?

Al, we're trying to have a little romantic thing here.

Well, go ahead, don't worry about me. Marcy, you got any tuna fish in there?

We were going upstairs, and you interrupted.

Then you owe me one.

You got any pretzels?

You might have been wondering why my house is tilting.

Peg's relatives are in town, six of them.

Well, 12, counting her mother.

We're out of pretzels. How about some lye?

No, thanks.

I was ready for a great weekend.

Did you ever just want to be alone?

You know what I mean. I just want to sit down and watch Hondo in peace.

You ever try to watch something, but your in-laws drive you crazy?

No, Al. That's where I'm lucky.

Marcy's family is just a blessing.

Her mother does leave wadded-up bits of Kleenex wherever she goes...

...Because of that one runny eye she has, but...that's not her fault.

What is her fault is she's too cheap to go to a doctor and get it fixed.

No, she comes over here and complains incessantly about it.

While we try to eat. As if looking at it doesn't tell the whole story.

- That's enough, dear. - You know, she'll only eat eggs.

We could have a turkey dinner, and she looks at it...

...With her runny eye and says, "What? No eggs?"

Everybody hates her.

Honey.

God, she makes my skin crawl.

What's the difference between Steve's mom and a bowling ball?

- What? - A bowling ball doesn't have a beard.

It's one hair.

One hair does not make a beard.

It does if it's six inches long and V-shaped.

Well, at least her eye doesn't run like a toilet.

Relax, guys. I'll get that.

Well, let's just talk about your Uncle Mildred.

Can't a man be a florist and still have some respect?

Al, you gotta do something.

The triplets ran away.

Why would all three of them run away?

Only Elena ran away, but the other two went to keep her company.

You gotta find her.

Peg, I'm trying to have a quiet evening alone with friends.

Well, at least I have a father.

Yeah. One who sold secrets to the enemy during the war.

That was never proven.

- Al, please. - But Hondo's coming on.

Well, we'll tape it. Just hurry.

It's dark, and the triplets are out there alone.

All right. I gotta go, guys.

Go on, get back to your romance.

You know why you have such chicken legs, Marcy?

It's because your mother eats all those eggs.

I'm desolate.

Don't worry. Al will find them.

I told him to drive around and think like triplets.

Now, look. Let's just do something to take our minds off of this.

Irwin, why don't you tell us about your record for rooster-throwing?

Indoors or outdoors?

You know, Kelly has some indoor-outdoor records of her own.

Why, she's so good, she's about to turn pro.

Bud's so cute, and to think, he'll never be bald.

He'll always have the hair on the palm of his hand.

Cats and dogs.

Cats and dogs.

- What are you talking about? - Nothing. I was just hungry.

Peggy, I'm sorry this didn't turn out to be such a good weekend for you.

It's not so bad.

I mean, after all, Al's out of the house...

...Mom finally stopped sweating from travelling...

...And Dad is...

Where is Dad?

He wasn't on the list.

Neither was your enormous rump, but you brought that.

Come on. Get in. Get in there.

Al, you found them. Where were they?

Down by the docks.

It was just luck. We were all trying to sign up for the merchant marine.

Did I miss Hondo? Because that's the only reason I came home.

It taped.

I get to watch Hondo .

What about my problem?

Your lives are meaningless compared to Hondo .

Now, I want silence. Not a whinny, not a moo, not a peep.

It's Hondo time.

Welcome to John Wayne weekend.

We proudly present his film Hon--

I don't know about this. Al's gonna be mad.

Who cares about him? This tape is for Peggy.

Besides, we'll be long gone before he sees it.

Remember, hide the tape so that buffoon doesn't find it.

That's insulting. What do you think I'm gonna do, leave it in the machine?

You didn't hide it, did you?

Al, why don't you do sweet things like that?

Okay, I'll be the one to say it.

The Duke is dead. Let's move on to the living.

Have you girls come to your senses yet about this marriage?

I'm devastated.

This is your fault.

You're the one that invited her fiancé to the house.

We were gonna roll him.

Look what happened. And you never even got his wallet.

Or did you?

That's it. Sit down.

Everybody sit down, because I'm taking charge now.

Peg, kids, go upstairs.

Because I'm solving everybody's problems now.

Everybody, move close together...

...And say... "Swiss cheese."

Al?

Honey, you're sweating. And you haven't answered me yet.

Is it okay if my family comes for a visit?

It doesn't matter what you say.

Besides, how bad can it be?

We're here.