Original subtitles

Okay, Kelly, how much do you need?

I don't know. How much do I need to start a new life?

More than your father has in his wallet.

Let's see. Here's $5.

- Bud? - By the old "double for virgins" rule...

...I get ten.

Mom, if you let him get away with that, when he's 65, he'll expect two watches.

Well, let's not bleed Daddy dry.

Here's $5 for you...

...And 20 for me.

Hey, Peg! Have you seen my wallet?

I don't know. What does it look like?

Old, wrinkled, and empty, like my life.

Well, don't worry, honey. I'm sure it's in your jacket pocket.

Bud, go put this in Daddy's jacket pocket, okay?

Hey, Peg. Are you showing the kids what you do all day long?

- Morning, Al. - Morning, Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah! Here it is.

Jeez, where does it all go?

Gee, why are you asking me?

You just don't know how to manage your money.

I wish you'd let me manage the money.

Yeah, right. So you can rob me blind, huh, Peg?

At least this way I know exactly what I've got here.

I've got nothing here, Peg.

Well, don't worry, Al.

I didn't marry you for your money.

I'm not really sure why I did, but I know it wasn't money.

It must be the family tradition...

...Find a man, kill his dreams, and move on.

Morning, Al. Isn't it great to be alive?

Let me just stand aside and give you a better view of the little woman.

I know you were going to fix some nice nothing for supper...

...But freeze it. We're going to the track tonight.

That really hurts, Al.

I didn't even ask you for money today and now you'll blow it at the track.

That's where all your money goes.

No. I've never found a quarter horse going through my wallet at night.

If you don't have enough money for the track-- We're buddies.

I guess I can find someone else to go with me.

Thanks, but I've got enough for a couple of bets...

...And the mall fountain is full of pennies.

I can go dredging on my lunch hour.

I'll pick you up at work. We'll leave from there.

Oh, Steve, if you're going to the track...

...Be sure to bet the same as Al...

...Because as you can see, he's a winner.

Take it easy, Al. It happens.

It doesn't happen to me.

It's never, never happened to me. What am I gonna do?

How am I gonna tell Peg?

You just have to be brave. Just come right out and tell her.

"Peg, I won $1250."

Steve...

...It's the first time I've won a trifecta.

I've got $1200 in my pocket.

Do you know what would happen if I told Peg?

Steve, meet Peg.

Peg, I've got money.

I know what to do with the 50 bucks I won.

Share it with Marcy.

Wow, Hondo. You are much man.

I'm not ashamed to say it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife.

What I am ashamed to say is that's a total lie.

But she scares me to death, Al.

I wanna enjoy my money...

...So I'll hide it till I decide what to do with it. You do the same.

- Why? - Because you have to.

If Marcy finds out you won money...

...She's gonna know I won money, and then Peg will know.

You're asking me to go against what I believe in.

You're asking me to lie to my wife, deceive her, and I just can't do that.

For less than 50 bucks.

You're a real weenie, Steve.

Yes, but a weenie with $50.

Now, I've got to hide this somewhere Peg would never look.

There's enough down there already.

Dirty laundry.

She'll never look here.

Two dollars left?

What a loser.

What are you doing, Peg?

Nothing.

I was just a little chilly.

- Mind if I wear your shirt? - Yes!

- But, Al, I'm cold. - Well, then, put on your robe.

Well, I can't sleep in my robe.

If I turn on the heat, your feet start to fester...

...And the dog starts barking, the kids wake up.

It's just not worth it. I'm gonna wear your shirt.

I don't like you to wear my shirt.

Isn't there any other way you can keep warm?

Oh, no!

It's either you or the shirt.

Darling!

Gee, three days in a row.

I must be looking pretty good lately.

Yeah, you're the best, baby.

Oh, Al. You know you love it.

Come on. Admit it.

You and your excuses.

Like that first night I was cold and you wouldn't let me use your shirt.

Then you wouldn't let me near the spare blanket.

And the third night, I almost had the hot water bottle...

...When you tackled me and pinned me to the floor.

What do I have to go for tonight, tiger, your hat?

By the way, Al...

...This morning I was going through your wallet looking for--

By accident.

And I just happened to notice you haven't cashed your paycheck.

Why?

Why, I just haven't had time.

See you around.

Bye, sweetie.

Kids! Family meeting!

- What's up, Mom? - Kids, I suspect your father has money.

And his paycheck was dated three days ago...

...And he hasn't cashed it yet.

So Daddy has money.

It all makes sense now.

Last night he wasn't studying maps and fondling his car keys like usual.

I watched him shave this morning.

He didn't pause at all near the jugular.

No kidding?

He's obviously got more than I thought.

Kids, we are gonna tear this place apart.

Kelly, you take upstairs.

Bud, you take the basement.

I'll look around down here.

Aw, Mom, I got stuck with the basement when his tax refund came in.

Don't whine. There's a ten-percent finder's fee, and then we split.

Twenty-20-60.

Now, let's go.

What's wrong with Al?

I was out picking up my paper when he pulled out.

He didn't aim his car at me and gun it.

Oh, boy! He must have a fortune!

Come on. Help me search. Al's got money.

So?

So it's mine, and he's not giving it to me.

Well, that's kind of cruel, not sharing with your wife.

Oh, who's talking about sharing?

I want it all.

Not because I'm greedy, you understand.

Whoo, two bits.

You see, it's good for our marriage.

If Al has money, then he doesn't come home.

Will he take a check? I know the rest of the block will kick in.

Yes, I know it sounds good on the surface...

...But the problem is he doesn't just go away.

He goes away and has fun.

You see, my mother taught me two things:

Never feed a man when you can feed yourself twice.

And if you're gonna rot on a couch in hell...

...The least your husband can do is to burn right beside you.

Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose.

But Steve and I decided to share everything...

...And keep no secrets from each other.

Well, I would keep a good eye on him.

God knows what Al put in his head when they went to the track.

Steve went to the track?

You know, I thought it was kind of odd that Al went with him to the library.

Steve has money too.

No, I won't believe it.

He would never keep that from me.

And I'm so sure of it that I'm gonna tear my home apart piece by piece.

You'll see. I won't find so much as a dollar.

And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy and superglue it to a Ferris wheel.

So did you find anything?

I'm a little tired.

I'm going to go upstairs and study.

Hi there, shoe man.

I was in last week...

...And I can't stop thinking about you.

Remember me?

Nightly.

I mean, vaguely.

- Can I help you? - I don't know how else to say it.

I want you!

Oh, that's so nice.

But I'm married.

Perfect. That means you're already broken in.

Al.

Al?

What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy?

Look, I have to talk to you.

I'm really feeling guilty about hiding that money from Marcy.

So could you spend yours so I can share mine?

I can't take how she looks at me with trust.

Sure? A lot of guys mistake trust for that...

...Keep-the-checks-coming- or-you're-out look. Very similar.

Al, what's the big deal? Just buy something.

It's not as easy as that, Steve.

When you were a kid, did you ever find money...

...And get so excited you couldn't spend it?

No, Al. I gave it to Bunny Zackmeyer...

...So I could look up her dress.

I'm talking about when you were a kid.

Look, could you just give me a couple of more days?

In the name of friendship. Huh, buddy?

Okay, in the name of friendship...

...Which, at today's rates, is another 50 bucks.

You're a weenie, Steve.

Yes, but a weenie with 100 bucks.

By the way, you want a ride home?

- No, I got my car. - Yeah, I saw it in the lot...

...But it may be tough to drive with all the glass on your seat.

It wasn't vandalism. They stole your radio.

Great!

That's what I was thinking, but you don't say that to a friend.

No, Steve. Now I know what to buy.

A new car stereo. It's perfect.

See, now I can buy something...

...For one of my favourite places in the world.

When I'm in my car, I don't have any wife or kids.

I'm alone. I'm whole. I'm with the one I love.

And Peggy never drives my car, so she'll never know.

Tee-hee.

I get to spend all my money on me. Oh, man!

I'll get it put in tomorrow. Let's buy it now.

- But it's a half-hour till closing. - The place is a graveyard.

Just give me a minute to turn off the lights in back.

I'm sorry, miss, but the place is closed.

Funny. Most stores don't close until I'm in the dressing room.

Oh, well.

- Ready to go, buddy? - You bet.

I told you nobody comes in this late.

What are you doing down there?

I'm watching Ted Koppel.

Go to sleep.

I'm cold.

Wear my shirt.

Go to sleep.

Mom, Dad, will you two be quiet?

You woke me up!

Al!

Al, did I just hear Ted Koppel singing "Proud Mary"?

Yeah. It's sweeps month.

So, what do you want, Peg?

I thought we could cuddle.

We haven't for a long time.

Oh, Peg, just once, couldn't we do something I like?

I don't wanna dig in my ear and grin like an idiot.

I wanna cuddle.

No.

Well, fine. But I'm staying down here anyway.

- Where are you going? - To the closet. I'm cold.

I want to throw something on.

- No, don't go in there! - Well, why?

You've got me.

Wait a minute.

Let's go upstairs and...

...Cuddle.

It's like before we were married.

Let's get it over with.

Just like before we were married.

Oh, by the way...

...I had to take my car to the mechanic.

He'll need it for a couple of weeks. So I'll have to use your car.

So you want to sell your car stereo after just one day.

I don't want to sell it. I have to.

Peg's driving my car for two weeks.

Two weeks of hiding my stereo.

Know what I have to do to hide my stereo?

Vile, unspeakable acts no man should have to do.

Yes, that.

- Now, do you have the cash or not? - Here you go.

There's only $1000 here.

Well, I think that's generous.

After all, the equipment is used.

And it seems to be a buyer's market.

You're a real weenie, Steve.

Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and $150 stashed away...

...That Marcy knows nothing about.

What are you gonna do with the money, Al?

What I always knew I would.

Al, I heard a strange sound. What was it?

Family, I have an announcement.

I have money.

- I want a skateboard and leather jacket. - I want a CD player...

- ...And a suede skirt and boots. - And I'm gonna spend till I drop!

Wait a second, wait a second.

Should we get Dad something?

I'd love to, but...

...I don't think we have enough money.

Well, what can I say?

You, my friend, are a loser.

Whereas I am your consummate winner.

Steve, get out here and explain this $150 I found hidden!

Let me handle this, buddy.

Marcy, now, let me explain.

Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you.

He was doing me a favour.

He was hiding my $150.

He'd never hide anything from you. Right, Steve?

Right.