Original subtitles

I'm starving. Where's Mom?

I don't know.

Go out and play.

- What are you hiding? - Nothing.

You have food there. I know it.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

Tang residue.

You glutton.

Another great morning.

Didn't sleep at all last night with Steve's stupid car alarm going off.

Of course, then that wakes up your mother, and I gotta talk to her.

You almost lost your daddy last night, kids.

What are you hiding?

- Nothing. - Finished off the Tang on me again, eh?

Well, your dad still has a few tricks left in his tired old body.

Tang wipe.

Good morning, everyone.

Boy, am I stuffed.

You know, you just gotta try that Slam-Dunk Breakfast at Kippy's.

Pancakes, bacon, sausage, eggs.

I finally had to say, "Stop. I can't eat anymore."

Peg, what do you do with all the money I give you for food?

I just told you.

Peg, you wanna get that?

It's probably the homeless on their "It Could Be Worse" tour.

Hi. I just stopped by to apologize...

...If Steve's car alarm kept you up last night.

He's out of town. It's his first night away from his new Mercedes.

So he set his alarm on ultra-sensitive.

The slightest touch, and it goes off all night.

Does it have a brother?

Look, I'm sorry, but you can't blame him.

It's a magnificent piece of machinery.

- So how's it drive? - How should I know?

He won't let me near it.

Consider yourself lucky.

The thing you can't touch is in the garage.

Mine is in the bedroom.

Bud found a Corn Flake between the fridge and the sink, and he won't share.

This is ridiculous. Come on, kids.

This may be against all my beliefs, but I'm taking you out to breakfast.

- All right. - Now, kids...

...At the restaurant, something strange will happen.

A woman will bring you food.

Don't be scared. She's called a waitress.

That's just God's alternative to mommies.

Boy, squabbling over a meal.

Thank God, Steve's a liberated man and cooks for me.

Now, why don't you cook for the family, Al?

Mom, no. Please.

Do you remember last summer?

Tortilla night? And the resulting plumbing problem?

And I thought you loved us.

Come on, Dad.

I don't know why those tortillas exploded like that.

You know, sometimes I get so mad, I could just kill that man.

I like to think that I am.

I meant Steve.

When Al got his new car, did he let you drive it?

A few times.

Once, he had no brakes, and someone had to take it to the mechanic.

Listen, Peggy, can I borrow your car? I need to go to the supermarket.

My car doesn't go there.

What's wrong with your car?

It's in the shop.

Just take his car.

It's your car too.

Look, don't let him start thinking he can have things of his own.

It's the road to ruin.

You know, it's taken me 16 years...

...But I am proud to say that Al finally has nothing.

Just go for a ride in your Mercedes, Marce.

I don't know.

I'd have to change the seat and the mirrors.

It took him weeks to set them just right.

What do you care what he wants?

Look, Al doesn't like me blowing smoke in his eggs.

What am I supposed to do, stop smoking?

You're right.

Of course.

I'm taking his car for a drive.

You know what else I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna change all the preset stations on his radio.

He's an idiot. It is my car too.

You know what else I'm gonna do?

I'll go in reverse, then shift into drive without coming to a complete stop.

Oh, man.

Well, kids, that was food.

- Could you get used to it? - Dad...

...It was cooked.

Yeah, pancakes are better like that, son.

Hey, Mom...

...Tomorrow, could you make us some waffles?

No.

By the way, kids, any chance of you cleaning your rooms today?

- No. - No.

Hi, Marce. How'd the Mercedes drive?

You drove Steve's Mercedes?

What'd you hit?

You know, Al, this may surprise you...

...But women today are racecar drivers...

...Pilots, astronauts, anything we wanna be.

We're just as good as men.

What'd you hit?

A fire hydrant.

What am I gonna do?

Gee, I don't know.

You never should have driven his car.

Steve is gonna kill me.

I've tried every body shop in town, and they can't fix it till next week.

Why bother? I'll just tell Steve the truth.

He'll be so happy I'm not hurt, he'll put his arms around me and forgive me.

I'm going home right now so I can be there to tell Steve...

...When he walks in the door.

Would you like to hear what happened to me in the seventh grade?

Go home.

- That's him. - Hide me. I'll pay you.

He's getting out.

He's paying.

Now he's going into the house-- No, no. It's the garage.

The car's in there.

He'll never see the dent. It's too dark.

Marcie!

She's in here, Steve.

Marcie.

Steve, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

You moved my seat.

Yes, I did.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Steve, I missed you so much. Let's never go home.

No, let's not gloss over this. You've done a bad thing.

It took me weeks to get that seat the way I like it.

Took almost as long as it took to adjust the mirrors and set my radio stations.

How long will it take to adjust the fire-hydrant-shaped hole...

...She put in the passenger side?

Whoops, I spoiled Marcie's surprise.

Al, did you have to tell him?

You bet.

It'll be okay. It's just a dent.

What am I worried about?

My Mercedes. My baby.

He'll be fine. See, whenever Steve goes away overnight...

...He returns consumed with passion. So I just have to pretend that I am too.

He'll forget the car, and we won't make it out of the bedroom till Monday.

Gee, the only time Al and I ever spent a weekend in the bedroom...

...Is when we were hiding from the kids, because we forgot it was Christmas.

Steve?

Pumpkin?

I'm going to be straightforward with you.

I drove your car. Let's go to bed.

You're right.

I'll go home first.

I'll light the candles...

...Put on my nightie and...

...Brace myself.

Hey, let's stop in the garage.

I haven't seen a good wreck since I backed Al's car over our mailbox.

I mean, since Kelly did that.

My car.

She touched it.

Now it doesn't even feel like it's mine anymore.

Yeah, I know, I feel the same way about several parts of my body.

What am I saying? The important thing is Marcie's okay.

I mean, it's just a car, right?

It cracked like an egg.

You see, Al, there was no screaming over at Steve and Marcie's last night.

But I do the smallest thing, and you yell at me for months.

No smoked toast?

Well, Steve forgave me.

He's the most wonderful man in the world.

Why can't you be more like Steve?

And Steve's impotent.

My God.

Al, you are like Steve.

Marcie, it's only one night.

Give it a reasonable period of time.

You know, back in '74, I thought Al had that problem.

But by '79, it cleared up fine.

But Steve is Mr. Ever-Ready.

And we tried six times last night.

Six times in one night?

Did you hear that, Al?

Hey, give me some credit. I can fail six times too.

But Steve never failed before.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

The first time you tried, was the light on?

- Yes. - Well, there you go. He saw you.

If that's Steve, please don't tell him you know about his problem.

Hey, buddy. What's up? Oops.

I hope we didn't keep you up last night.

Oh, dear.

What's that in your pocket?

My car keys.

What's the matter?

She's probably overcome by the six times we did it last night.

Yeah, Steve, you're a real stallion.

Listen, what say we go down to the ice-cream shop and get a softie?

I can't believe you told them.

I'm sorry.

It's just that you were once a mighty oak.

- And now... - A hanging vine.

Excuse me. I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

This is a temporary thing due to overwork, stress or overuse.

I'm not worried at all.

I'm gonna go out, pump some iron, toss a football...

...Let the girls see what they can't have.

I mean, because I'm married.

Not because I can't.

Because I can.

He can't, you know.

Peggy, what can I do to make him the sexual beast he was?

How would I know?

There must be somebody I can talk to.

Anybody.

Oh, God, no.

Well, he has been there.

Peggy, would you excuse us?

I'm about to humiliate myself, and I would prefer no witnesses.

Sure, Marcie, I understand. And you're doing the right thing.

If you want to know about a hanging vine, come to a withered birch.

Take it away, Al.

Well, Marcie, what can I do for you?

I need to know how to turn a man on.

Well, I'm not a plastic surgeon, but I'll do what I can.

See, Marcie, you touched Steve's car.

Now, what did Steve ask you not to do?

- Touch his car. - What did you do?

- Touched his car. - I can't hear you.

I touched his car. So what?

Well...

So you disobeyed a man, which means you weren't doing your job as a woman.

See, the thing is...

...Women don't understand that men don't really need them.

If you want to talk to someone, you talk to the guys.

You want to have some fun, you go with the guys.

You want sex, you...

...Reminisce with the guys.

Now, let's get back to women. What are they for?

The two C's:

Cooking. Kitchen.

Al, I'm amazed your knuckles don't bleed when you walk.

- Good day, Marcie. - I'm sorry.

- Go on. - Very well.

So we've established that we don't need you.

Now let's ask ourselves:

What the heck do we keep you around for?

It's because we're optimists.

We believe that you can change.

The world-renowned social scientist Mr. Hugh Hefner...

...Has made great strides in that area.

Get to it, java man.

Very well. Marcie, your problem is...

...You're not servile enough.

If you wanna save your marriage, you have to learn to compromise a bit.

Put down that briefcase...

...Pick up a dishrag...

...And be a woman.

Al, I can only say this:

There may be something alive with fewer brain cells than you...

...But whatever it is, wherever it is, I'm sure its name is Bundy.

You should be on all fours...

...Pulling a wagon full of borax across the desert.

You're compost.

You're phlegm. You are a true pork product.

- You'll take my advice? - Yes.

Thank you, Al, for your time and help.

Pig.

Feel good?

Yes. But that's really not necessary.

No, I want to.

It's just that I feel uncomfortable having you do that.

- Want me to stop? - No.

Great.

The potatoes are a little bland.

Where's the salt?

Didn't I bring it up on one of my six trips?

No. But I guess I don't really need it.

Never mind. I'll get it. No trouble at all.

Thanks, dear. You're a good wife.

Thank you, darling.

What would you like to do now?

- Wanna talk? - Sure.

I had the most interesting day at work on Friday.

- I vacuumed today. - Really?

- What else did you do? - Well, I took a toothbrush...

...To the grout and the bathroom tile and scrubbed out all the stains.

It was kind of therapeutic after relining your blazers.

Marcie, could you turn up the heat?

Just one degree.

Sure. No trouble at all.

And if you're still cold, I could strap you to the radiator spread-eagle.

Comfy?

What would you like for dinner tomorrow?

I don't know. Something simple.

How about beef Wellington and baked Alaska?

On a work night?

I mean, I guess I could get up early and go to the market before work.

Then at lunch, grind the liver, separate the eggs and make the pastry dough.

I should be able to have it on the table by eight.

I don't like to eat that late.

Then I just won't sleep.

You sure it's no trouble?

No.

- I love to cook. - Oh, Marcie.

And I love to clean.

Oh, Marcie.

And I'll never touch your car again.

Oh, Marcie.

Oh, Steve.

Oh, Steve.

And tonight she's making me beef Wellington and baked Alaska.

Boy, I wish I had a wife.

Steve, I'm having some problems with the baked Alaska.

I got plain vanilla ice cream instead of French vanilla.

That's okay.

Never mind. I'll get it.

It's just that my car is still in the shop.

Can I use your--?

Never mind.

I'll walk.

A brisk four-mile jaunt should do me good.

Did I mention I wanted whipped cream?

Oh, well. I'll send her back out.

Al, I don't know how I can ever thank you.

This impotence scheme of yours...

...Has given me a wife I never even dreamed existed.

I gotta tell you, though, it was rough faking failure.

But thanks for the advice.

Trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is a star really helped.

I got plenty of them.

- Did you do the salt bit? - Yep.

- The thermostat? - One degree.

Nice twist.

How long can I play this thing out?

Until you get the car fixed. When are you gonna take it in?

Couple of weeks.

Hell, maybe not for a couple months.

After all, the dent's not even on the driver's side.