Original subtitles

Hello, Carol?

Bud Bundy here.

Hello?

Hello, Carol? Don't hang up. I got tickets to the concert.

Yes, it's Bud Bundy.

Yep. What would you say to a couple of primo seats...

...To the Jimmy Dick and The Night Sticks concert Saturday?

Well, yeah, you'd have to go with me.

I think it's worth it too.

Good.

What say I pick you up at eight?

Ciao, baby.

So many women, so little time.

Not me. I got one woman, too much time.

I'm not really interested.

Listen, I really want to impress this girl...

...So could you drive me?

Oh, and could you wear one of those stupid chauffeur hats?

And put something under your arm so it looks like you're packing a rod.

Why? What your father's got under there already is far more lethal.

Al, the termite-control man would like to speak to you.

Why? I keep telling you, we don't have termites.

It's just the house settling.

Kel, did you get the tickets for the concert?

I sure did. And backstage passes.

All right, Kel. You're a goddess.

Give me my tickets.

Oh, I decided not to get you any.

See, it was either use your money to get four regular concert tickets...

...Or to get two tickets and two backstage passes for me.

So I'm taking my ugly friend Mandy so Jimmy'll only look at me.

I'm so happy.

Well, Kel.

I'm happy for you, but what the hell about me?

Oh, Bud...

I'm gonna meet Jimmy Dick!

He's got this house in Jamaica. Do you know what I would do for a house there?

Yeah, the same thing you'd do for dinner and a movie.

Getting back to my petty problem... See...

...I got a date with a girl who has a waist.

I've never had waist before.

I've gotta have someplace to take her.

Come on, Bud.

I'm sure there's plenty of places you could take her instead.

I know.

The Peanuts Gang on Ice is in town!

I'll devote the rest of my life to get revenge on you.

Well, I'm not too worried. See...

...I'll always have the smell of Clearasil to warn me that you're coming.

How could we have termites?

Now, kids, didn't I tell you to wipe your feet before you come into the house?

Now look. We have termites.

Now, kids, don't be ashamed.

Even the finest homes have termites.

Of course, they get them from homes like ours.

Hey, Kel.

Dad's in a real bad mood. Be on your best behavior.

- The least thing could get you grounded. - Don't worry.

I cleaned my room. I did all my chores. I'm untouchable.

Hey, Dad, report-card day.

I got four A's and a B, but enough about me.

Batter up.

I... I lost it.

Well, this is your lucky day...

...Because I found it.

It must've fallen out of your purse and accidentally got taped under your bed.

How'd she do?

F, F, F, D.

What happened, Kel, you attend one?

Kelly, this is the worst one yet.

We're gonna have to think of a punishment for this.

Hey, I'm sure you'll think of something.

By the way, have a good time at that concert Saturday, Kel.

Concert?

You think that you're going to a concert?

No way. You're grounded.

- Grounded? - You have got to learn responsibility.

Honey, would you like to see some of your father's old report cards?

He didn't think studying was important either.

Now look at him.

Well, Mom, you're right, of course.

But won't you reconsider?

I mean, I know Kelly will study for Monday's math test...

...Right after the concert.

You have a math test Monday?

Damn my loose lips.

Kelly?

Oh, come on. I mean, when am I ever gonna need to know math?

Well, you may need it for your career, you know.

Three Whoppers, large fries and a Coke.

Yo, Mr. Bundy! More news on the termite front.

Let me guess, a termite slipped, broke his wing, and he's suing us.

Well, on the good side, he can't get much.

Kel, I know what you're thinking: "What am I gonna do with the tickets?"

Well, since I got you grounded...

...I'll take them off your hands.

Do you think I'm going to stay and study...

...When I'm just a paternity suit away from Jamaica?

Oh, no, Budrick. No.

I'm sneaking out. I do it all the time.

No house can hold me, and you are not going to tell on me.

You can count on me, Kel.

Oh, I know I can, because...

...I happen know the true identity of the Masked Lovers' Lane Peeper.

You know, the one the whole football team has a bounty on.

You-- You have no proof.

Then...

...What would you call this mask and flashlight?

I just look.

So, Mr. Bundy, we tent this baby up...

...And in just a couple of days, adios, termites.

Yeah? Well, how much will it cost to tent this baby up?

Just a second. Now, let's see.

We're going to need the special tent.

Special tent? For what?

Well, you know, your house is shaped oddly.

- You mean, like a house? - Yeah. Too bad.

Now, let's see. You got floors. That's extra.

You got rooms. That's extra.

And windows too.

Now, you got an attached garage, so I'll give you ten percent off, but...

...Then it is another room, so that's extra.

Plus gratuity.

That comes to $1750.

We'll think about it, we'll let you know.

Okay, but be quick. Our price goes up next week.

I'm getting my license.

Kelly, you see what happens when you study?

1750 a job, 1750 a year.

Yes, no.

Winner, loser.

Suicide, reason.

Listen, I can squeeze you in on Saturday.

Saturday's fine.

Saturday?

Is a check okay?

No.

That's just great.

$1750 for a tent to put over a house.

Listen, why don't we just borrow one of your mother's muumuus.

Hell, if she doesn't wash it, we won't have to pay for the poison either.

Well, since they're going to be spraying the house with pesticides...

...The kids and I will have to find someplace to stay.

- I can stay at my friend Mandy's. - Forget it.

You're grounded this weekend. You'll stay with the family and study.

Now, let's see.

We need a place to stay that's cheap and comfortable and accepts pets.

I got it. We'll sleep in the shoe store.

Oh, honey, please reconsider.

There's still time to get four cardboard boxes and sleep in the junkyard.

No, it's too much like staying at your mother's.

No, the shoe store's better and safer.

Once I lock it up, nobody can get in.

Or out.

Sir, it's been ten minutes.

Don't you think you should get me a shoe?

That's an all-too-common mistake in the shoe biz, miss.

You see, us real pros understand the need of holding a foot...

...And getting a good look at the leg so we know what we're dealing with.

I hope you're not too uncomfortable.

Well, actually, it turns me on.

We're closed.

Go home, Peg.

I am home, Al.

We're here, Dad.

Oh, Dad!

While you're here, can I show you some of our bras?

I think I better be going.

Well, could you show me some of yours?

Al, are these some of the fat women that you're always complaining about?

That was once in a lifetime. I'm glad you guys were here to scare it away.

Peg, didn't you bring him a bone or anything? Those are $100 pumps.

Buck. Here, boy. Here, take this. This one's on sale.

Isn't that cute, Al? It's like he knows.

Yeah, it's real cute, Peg.

When he's done, why don't you take him to the cash register for dessert.

Kel, why don't you just give me the tickets.

You're not getting out of here.

That's what they said about the 10th grade, but eventually, I will.

Well, it's closing time.

No, really? Look at this.

Go home, Peg.

We're closed.

No! We've never been more open.

How can I disappoint the poor ladies?

Have sex with them.

I intend to.

Ladies, sit down.

Where are you ladies from?

From right next door. The aerobics studio.

So many times we've seen your little face pressed against the window.

So we thought we'd come in.

Do you have time?

For you? Of course.

What can I do for you?

I was looking for an evening shoe.

Well, all right. Let me measure your chest.

I mean--

I mean your foot.

Sometimes when I'm at a party, I don't know, I can't help myself.

I think they call it nymphomania.

Every man I see, I just can't keep my clothes on.

Excuse me, sir.

Since I'm buying the shoes, shouldn't you measure my foot?

I'm sorry, she's the nymphomaniac.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm gonna do what all of your customers do:

Go to Morty's for shoes.

Where they have much cuter salesmen...

...And younger too.

This guy is pretty old. Maybe we should go to Morty's.

I hope there is a really cute guy there.

Old or not, in another second, I would have been all over this one.

Ta-ta!

Why, Peg, why?

Because I thought I saw you starting to look happy.

I was just pretending.

You of all people know I'm not happy.

See, it's part of my job to make the customers feel special.

It's what I do, and I'm proud of it. I'm a pro. I care.

I need shoes.

Yeah, the blacksmith's right around the corner.

And now we're closed.

And much like my life, my day is over.

Dad? In case of an emergency, where are the other exits?

There aren't any. But don't worry, nothing will happen.

But if something does, I've got the keys right here...

...So you can't leave me behind.

Now, everybody gets a sleeping bag.

Don't rush. There's one for everyone.

Gee, Al, this is great.

When it's dark, can we sit around a boot and tell ghost stories?

We've got canned meat from the survival store...

...Games from the toy store...

...And most importantly, we've got each other.

Family, we're gonna have the time of our lives.

Wow, what a nice shoe store!

What's the matter? Aren't we having fun?

Frankly, Daddy, I'm all partied out.

Oh, wow, look at the time.

It's 8:30. I know I'm beat.

Why don't you guys turn in. If I'm gonna do any studying, I'll need quiet.

Hey, look.

The movie at the Mallplex must have just let out.

What's the matter?

Haven't you ever seen a family living in a shoe store before?

A lousy eight bucks.

He would not put up a lousy eight bucks for a hotel.

- He's a cheap-- - Good night, everybody.

And you single guys out there, remember, this could happen to you.

Peg, that's Morty.

Don't worry, honey. You got me.

Right.

Hey, Morty, look what I got. Eat your heart out, buddy.

Well, Peg, I'm depressed enough now to go to bed.

Don't you mean "go to bag," honey?

I knew we should have stayed in a hotel.

Yeah. Listen, don't mess up these sleeping bags. They're borrowed.

And watch what you do with those tags. If I lose them, I gotta pay for them.

Will you guys go to sleep? I'm trying to study.

Oh, then won't you need these books?

Oh, God, I was studying so hard, I thought I had them.

Sorry.

Dad, Kelly stepped on me.

Get used to it, son. They do that your whole life.

Maybe we should have stayed at a hotel.

Daddy, go to sleep.

I can't. I got a fur ball in my throat.

It's not just that.

I just feel bad about grounding you and everything and making you study.

I want you to do your best.

Right, Daddy. Go to sleep.

I'm bored.

Listen, is there anything that you want to talk about that's bothering you?

Do it now, because when we get home, I won't care.

Everything's great. Go to sleep.

I can't. I'm not tired.

Okay, well, since you're up, there is something I'd like to talk about.

I've had these menstrual problems lately--

Oh, boy, I'm tired.

I think I'll hit the sack.

Listen, stay away from the door...

...Because the electric eye is on. It's real, real sensitive.

The alarm will go off.

Hey, Peg.

I'm bored. Wanna do it?

Al, the kids are here.

Okay, but remember I asked.

See you in the fall.

You are the lowest.

Stealing from Daddy? God.

I'm over the wall.

Well, how are you gonna get past the electric eye?

Same way you get your dates. Crawl.

Damn mannequins look like hookers.

See you in Jamaica.

Green-meat attack.

- What's that, Dad? - That's Satan, the mall guard dog.

Don't worry about it. He can't get in here.

It's a good thing too. He's a real killer.

Better than any concert I've ever seen.