Original subtitles

Kelly, are you going out walking by construction sites again?

Give me five minutes.

I'll put on something cute and come join you.

No, Mom, this is my Valentine's Day outfit.

All the guys are down at the mall waiting to give me cards and candy...

...Gifts of their devotion. I'll take the laundry bag.

- You don't need it, do you? - Nah. It's mostly decorative.

Gee, I sure hope Bud gets a Valentine this year.

So does he.

He's got as much chance of getting a Valentine as I do of getting an A.

Ladies. Kelly.

Yup, this is gonna be my special day.

Any girls call me?

Yup. They call you geek, dork, and hairy palms.

That was the old Bud.

This year, I'm hot.

In the past, I wasn't interested in girls.

Seeing Kelly in the morning can do that to a guy.

This year, I threw around a few winks...

...Said I'm accepting Valentines.

So they should be rolling in.

Won't they, Mom?

Sure they will, son.

But not for you.

Well, I'm off to the mall.

Hey, Kel, I see you're wearing your "love me for my mind" outfit again.

I hate Valentine's Day in the shoe store.

Every fat woman in Chicago hippos in wanting pink pumps.

They think it looks sexy.

As if anyone could see the shoes over the bulging flesh of their ankles.

Good morning, Al.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey, you want anything special for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, but she's wrestling in the mud, and I'm just living there.

The hell could that be?

Well, it's Valentine's Day. Maybe it's Cupid.

No, he'd never show his face here again after making this match.

Hi, Al. You know, all you have to do is walk outside, look around.

You just know it's Valentine's Day.

- What do you want? - Al, I need a favor.

Peggy, I need a favor.

I need a place to hide Marcy's present.

Oh, gee, Steve, what is it?

You know, having Al for a husband, I've always wondered...

...What do husbands give their wives for Valentine's Day?

Well, this isn't a fair example.

See, for us, it's not just Valentine's Day.

It's our first anniversary.

Oh, Al...

Oh, leave me alone.

Yes, well, would you hide this for me?

Sure. I'll hide it upstairs.

Let me save you some wear and tear on your nails and teeth.

The first anniversary is paper.

Since paper isn't all that romantic, I got her two tickets to Hawaii.

Please don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise.

Don't worry. I can keep a secret.

By the way, Al, that rubber doughnut you ordered came in yesterday.

Al's got 'rhoids, you know.

Well, you're obviously sitting pretty.

So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day?

Fur, jewels, a car?

If it was only that easy.

I'm gonna have sex with her.

It's kind of a tradition.

Every Valentine's Day, I climb those stairs.

Walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one.

It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

I only pray that after 16 years...

...Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Steve, if it was magic, I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Hi, Peggy.

I waited till Steve left home.

I need your help. What can I get him for our anniversary?

Well, don't get him two tickets to Hawaii.

That's what he got you. It's a surprise.

He got me tickets to Hawaii?

Damn him! He's so irritating, getting me the perfect gift.

Now I have to get him something just as great.

What a weenie. God, I hate him.

Sure you do. He's your husband.

Well, I still have to find him something really good.

Something personal. Something romantic.

Something that symbolizes the depth and purity of our relationship.

You could jump naked out of a cake.

Yeah! That says it all!

But who knows where to find something so kinky?

Cakes a Poppin'.

Just ask for Leif. Here's the number.

Oh, and when you pay, have them stamp my card.

Two more, I get one free.

I'll do it.

I know. The cake can say, "Take me. I'm yours."

Steve will love it. Thanks, Peg.

Know what Al's getting you?

Oh, yeah. Same thing he gets me every year.

He's gonna slam-dunk me a quick one.

Of course, those are his words.

I mean, in reality, it's more like a foul shot.

You know, he takes a deep breath and scores.

Sure, it's worth a point, but it will never make the highlight reel.

It's like your honeymoon never ended.

As long as he says, "I love you," that's all that matters.

Actually, Al says, "There. That should hold you."

But you know Al. You know, he has difficulty saying certain things.

Like "I love you," "Thank you," and "Look out. There's a car coming."

Oh, bunk. You live in this hovel...

...You bore him those two awful children...

...And he can't even tell you he loves you?

I've heard him say, "I love the Cubs."

"I'd love a beer." "I'd love it if you leave, Marcy."

Face it, Peggy. This man is no stranger to the word "love."

Oh, it doesn't matter. I mean, I know he loves me.

He doesn't say it, and it would be nice to hear it sometimes...

...But it is no big deal.

I mean, he does so many other wonderful things for me.

He...

Hi, Mom.

Kelly, what does your father do for me?

Well, he...

Daddy?

Never mind. Where's your brother?

He's standing by the mailbox, waiting for a Valentine.

I haven't got the heart to remind him it's Sunday.

In case he doesn't get one this year, I want you to go easy on him, okay?

Come on, Mom. We both know Bud's an obnoxious, rat-like creature...

...But it doesn't mean I don't love him. He knows that.

- How does he know that? - I tell him.

Well, has he ever told you?

Oh, sure. You gotta.

I mean, it kind of takes the edge off things like this:

Oh, Bud! It's Sunday.

There's no mail on Sunday.

Happy Valentine's Day.

No!

Love him? You betcha.

Peg, how come when I said, "Hi, Bud," he said, "I don't need your pity"?

- You don't really wanna know, do you? - Nope.

What time is dinner rearing its ugly head?

Soon, honey.

By the way, I love you, Al.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, Peg, I know you're anxiously awaiting your Valentine sex-a-rama.

Here's the plan.

I can slide you in between the Bulls game and The Rifleman .

Gee, there's about four or five commercials in between them.

Are we gonna do it twice?

Peg, remember, a smart mouth is a lonely mouth.

You know, Al, this year, I was hoping for something different.

Peg. The socks stay on.

No, Al. This year, instead of sex, I want you to tell me you love me.

What if I do take the socks off?

- I'm serious, Al. I wanna hear it. - Yeah, right. Listen, Peg.

I'm gonna go upstairs and wash up...

...But just to show you how really special you are to me...

...Tonight I'm gonna kiss you.

Well, Mom, I've got all my cards in this bag.

Now, instead of dating all the guys in here...

...Which last year proved to be impossible...

...This year, I'm picking one guy to represent them all.

Doesn't matter who it is. Today everyone has a fair chance.

So pick one for me.

- Josh. - He's really ugly. Pick again.

Sheldon?

Okay, give me the bag.

Okay.

Pick the red one with the star.

- Johnny. - What luck. The cutest guy in school.

Oh, you sure know how to pick a man.

Well, all my Valentines finally came in.

I'm going upstairs to open them.

Sounds kind of like pop bottles.

Well, they're not. They're paper.

Uh, you know, Bud, you're my Valentine.

Wow. Wait till I go tell the guys.

Well, speaking of losers...

...I'm gonna go through these excess Valentines.

Let's see. "Fairest Kelly."

"Beautiful Kelly." "Kelly, my love."

"Dearest Bud"?

Yes, yes! I knew it! Give it here.

It's from some girl named April May June.

She says she loves me, and she's coming over to see me tonight.

Oh, that's great, honey.

Did you write that card as a joke?

No. Did you?

Hey, you did write this, didn't you, Kel?

I mean, "April, May, June." Those are all words you know.

Kel, just tell me. I've got a chance to go to the Bulls game with Joey.

Gee, Bud. Dilemma, dilemma.

Get all dressed up, stay here, and look like an idiot...

...Go to the game, stand up your only date ever...

...And look like an idiot? Tough one for Bud.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs and get ready for my real date.

Did you write that, Kel? Just say yes or no.

- No. - Come on, Kel, really, I know you did.

- Okay, yeah, I did. - Oh, no, you didn't. Really, Kel?

Okay, Peg. No sense in putting off the inevitable.

The kids are upstairs, so we shouldn't do it up there...

...What with your screaming and everything.

That was your fault, Al.

You're the one who turned the lights on.

Hey, let's not throw stones on this romantic night.

It's almost time. Go downstairs and blow up the air mattress.

I'll pop some Tums and be right down.

I wanna hear it, Al. I wanna hear you say, "I love you."

Not that again.

Peg, you didn't think of this yourself. Where did this come from?

Phil? Oprah?

- Marcy. - Oh, great.

The only one we can't turn off.

Al, Steve and Marcy not only say it, they mean it, and they show it.

Do you know what Marcy's giving Steve tonight?

A running start.

She went to Cakes a Poppin'. She's getting delivered to him.

Then she's gonna pop out naked.

I hope you're happy, Peg. I'll never eat cake again.

If she can go to all that trouble for him...

...The least you can do for me is say, "I love you."

I am not going downstairs with you unless you say it.

Withholding sex from me, Peg? Oh, no!

Well, I guess I'll just have to relax and have fun instead.

Come on, Peg. What's the big deal? You know I do.

I just don't like to say it.

It makes me sick.

Well, it doesn't make me sick to say it. I love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be waiting upstairs.

Time to reach out and touch someone.

Yeah, here we go.

Hello. Yes, I'm calling about the Marcy Rhoades cake.

No, this is her husband.

Yes, there's been a change of plans.

Instead of the address she gave you...

Do you have a pen?

Bud, I don't know why you're dressed like that.

If you don't really have a date, why pass up a chance to go to the game?

Maybe I just wanted to spend the night watching the game with my dad.

Why? What did I do?

By the way, Dad, Mom's upstairs cursing you.

- I'm late. I gotta go. - Wait. Kelly. Come here a second.

Now, you guys are, what, in your teens?

Something like that, Dad, yeah.

You've known me most of those years.

How do you think your dad feels about you?

Do you know that your dad...

- Loves us? - Yeah, that. You guys know that, right?

Sure. Dad, are you dying?

Yes, but no one seems to care.

But, I mean, it's not important for you to hear...

- That you love us? - Yes.

Hey, you'll tell us when you're ready.

Besides, we think it'll make a nice moment...

...For when you're old and feeble.

Thank you.

I'd be getting ready if I were you.

I'm not falling for it, Kel.

Look, Dad, I've got a hot date coming. Get out.

But the game's on.

Dad...

...The way I see it, if you left now, it would kind of be like saying...

...You love me.

So...how you doing?

Come on, Peg. People shouldn't have to say it. It's unnecessary.

I haven't cheated on you. I haven't asked for my own room.

I stayed through two kids and your hot-pants phase.

Doesn't that say it?

No.

Well, then...

...Could I have my own room?

No! Now, I wanna hear it.

- Why? - Because it's nice to know.

Now, I'll start. I love you.

Peg, this really makes my stomach hurt.

Well, you can feel better real quick. Now, just say it.

I...

I have to go to the bathroom.

Thanks, Kel. Real funny joke.

April May June. You're so immature.

Well, I hope you like the itching powder in your bra.

Hi, Bud. Did you get my Valentine?

I'm April May June.

Yes, yes, I vaguely remember.

Come in, come in.

So you have quite an unusual name. How did you get it?

My parents are idiots.

We have a lot in common.

So you want me to be your Valentine?

Well, I saw you around school, and I thought you were kind of cute...

...But you never noticed me.

- You think I'm cute? - Sure. All the girls do.

Then why did I only get one stinking Valentine?

Sorry. I meant, thank you.

Why are you scratching?

It's this darn bra.

That's better.

And don't you hate it when they ride up on you?

Now, don't pull that upset-stomach routine with me, Al.

Come out here and tell me you love me.

Are you gonna tell me or not?

Okay, Peg, I'm going to say it...

...But before I say it, I want to tell you I really hate you for this.

I don't want to do it. I'm unhappy.

My stomach is boiling, my palms are sweating...

...And if you think you get a jump after this, you're sadly mistaken.

If you had a brain in that huge head you'd already know how I feel...

...But you wanna hear it. Fine. This is what you want.

It's your stinking lousy Valentine's Day present...

...So here it is.

I love you.

Oh, Al!

You didn't have to say that.

Gee, I only hope that Steve and Marcy are as happy as we are right now.

Well, I don't know about Steve...

...But Marcy's having the night of her life.