Original subtitles

What's the matter, Kel?

Are the contractions five minutes apart?

What's the matter, Bud? Puberty five years away?

Come on, Kel. We're blood.

If you've got a problem, maybe I can help.

Mom and Dad are at parent-teacher night, and I'm scared.

You know, Mom and Dad make me sick.

When are they gonna realize you're stupid and leave you alone?

Yuk it up, malignancy.

I've got to start doing better.

I have a report due on a book I haven't read.

It's called Robinson Crusoe .

Oh, I've read that. I can help you.

For a small fee, of course.

Okay.

Robinson Crusoe was marooned on a desert island.

The only people there were him, Friday...

...The Professor, Mary Ann, Ginger...

- ...And the rest. - Wait a minute. Slow down.

The Professor...

Right.

Now, in the first chapter they had to get around the island.

So Gilligan-- I mean Robinson...

...And the Professor built a car run by coconuts.

Oh, cool.

You know, Robinson always sang this little song around the island.

You may want to do it in front of the class.

It shows you read carefully.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale...

...A tale of a fateful trip...

...That started from this tropic port...

...Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate-- Now, that's Robinson...

...Was a mighty sailing man...

...The skipper brave and sure.

Five passengers set sail that day for a three-hour tour.

A three-hour tour.

Twice?

It's important.

That's Mom and Dad. We'll finish later.

Tell them I'm upstairs working really hard on my report.

I'm finally going to get an A!

Hi. Kelly said she's upstairs listening to the radio and dancing.

Ooh, you two look pretty mad.

But in Kelly's defence, wait till her report's in.

We owe her that much.

Kelly is not the problem, Bud.

She has moved up to a good, solid D.

It's you who's in trouble.

We saw your social studies report.

You know, "Brazil, Land of Rubber and Sunshine."

Would you care to explain this picture of your sister in a bikini?

Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil.

- How'd I do? - Like your father, in life, you failed.

Now, Bud.

I want you to go upstairs...

...And do not come back down until you find something to do...

...Besides torturing your sister.

Why don't you just ask me to stop breathing?

It's what I am. It's what I do.

I'll help Kelly with her homework.

Good boy.

You know, Al, I think I know what the problem is.

He just has too much free time.

Now, what can we do about that?

Well, we could get him a wife.

I meant like a hobby.

A father-son thing.

Something he could learn from you.

Let's see. You can't teach balding.

He knows how to go to the bathroom...

...And he's too young to drink.

Gee, Peg, if you wanted a hug, why didn't you just ask for one?

It's us, Steve and Marcy.

Hurry! It's important.

Excuse me, sir. Do you know these people?

- No. - Al!

Please.

We picked them up for soliciting at Joe's cocktail lounge.

I told you, officer, we were just role-playing...

...To spice up our marriage.

We lost our ID running from you.

It's all a big mistake. Tell him who we are, Al.

Yeah, it's the neighbours. The hooker and the sailor.

I see. Just a little yuppie game play, huh?

Well, let me tell you something about police.

We don't like it when you jerk us around.

I could be out there scaring kids...

...Or driving with the siren on.

Next time you want some fun in your marriage...

...Do what me and my wife do.

Cheat on each other.

Oh, Marcy, that's a nice outfit.

Can I borrow it? I have a wedding to go to.

May I use your phone? I have to call a locksmith.

I lost our keys when Steve knocked me over running from the squad car.

So, what's new with you guys?

We were just trying to think of a hobby for Bud.

You know, keep him out of trouble. Something he could do with Al.

You guys could come over together in the morning and steal my paper.

No, my mornings are for me.

How about flying or polo?

Or collecting real Picassos?

Hell, I make minimum wage. We can start with one of his bad ones.

They'll be over in an hour.

I'm sure it will just fly by.

A hobby isn't necessarily expensive.

As a kid, I collected baseball cards.

- You too? - Yeah, I had some great ones...

...But my mother threw them out.

Yep. Mine too.

Women.

Best hobby in the world. Women don't get it.

No, Al, what I just don't get is sex.

That's going to be Bud's new hobby.

Sex?

No, baseball cards. Bud, come down here.

Why don't you find Bud something more cultural...

...And intellectually stimulating?

Marcy, they're men.

To them, intellectually stimulating...

...Is comparing today's Elmer Fudd with the original, fatter Fudd.

Hey, he has lost weight, hasn't he, Steve?

It's like a totally different Fudd, Al.

Let's get some coffee, Marce.

- What's up, Dad? - It's about your new hobby.

- What's my new hobby, Dad? - Collecting baseball cards.

How long have I had this new hobby, Dad?

About two minutes, son.

Do I like it?

But you know something, Bud?

The players today are boring.

- When we were young, they were great. - See, that's what you're gonna do.

You'll collect cards from when we were kids.

You are gonna collect...

...The all-time greatest Cub team ever.

Oh, man.

Look at them over there. Men are such idiots...

...And I married their king.

Baseball cards.

I mean, what is the big deal?

It's just a bunch of guys holding their bats.

They ought to show them the way they really are.

Grabbing their privates, spitting...

...And patting each other on the butt for good luck.

I hate baseball.

All the boys at school loved baseball.

I can still hear them talking.

"Baseball, baseball, baseball.

There's Marcy. Let's throw a rock at her. Baseball, baseball, baseball."

I hate men. They're stupid, ignorant animals with stupid, ignorant hobbies.

They hated me...

...But I didn't need them.

I had Barbie.

And I had a very special bathtub toy.

Who's Barbie?

Who's Barbie?

America's favourite teenage fashion model, that's who.

Oh, you mean a Barbie doll.

Yeah, I had one of those.

I gave it to my boyfriend Keith as a symbol of our love.

He was gay as a debutante, you know?

I still have my Barbie.

She's been wrapped up safe in her original box for 20 years now...

...Just waiting untiI I can give her to my little girl.

Kelly had a bunch of Barbie stuff.

But I never understood the fascination with Barbie.

But I could sure strip Ken with my teeth.

Yes, I'm sure.

But I loved Barbie.

It was a way to escape.

The whole idea was for Barbie to live the life you wanted for yourself.

You know, this really is fun.

Is there an old, rich Ken doll that's about to kick the bucket?

That way my Barbie wouldn't have to hide these Kens...

...At 5:00 when the Al doll comes home from the shoe store.

Barbie was meant to be dressed beautifully and accessorized...

...Not to be lying around rubbed by a bunch of horny Kens.

Well, you've got your accessories, and I've got mine.

Let's go downstairs and see what else we can play with.

Okay. After we disinfect your Barbie Dream House...

...I'll get out my Barbie.

I hope your Kens can handle it.

I can't believe it. Those old cards are really expensive.

I sold everything I could, but we got seven of the nine all-time Cubs.

What a great store, huh?

And a great afternoon.

- Think we should've taken Bud with us? - Why? He'd only get in the way.

You're right. All he needs is Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks...

- ...And they're expensive. - Great move, selling your wife's old doll.

What, the old Barbie in the basement? She'll never even miss it.

Bud, here's the crowning jewel of your collection.

I just got it. Don't touch it!

Now, all you need is Ernie Banks.

I'm proud of you, son.

Well, I'm proud of you too, Dad.

You men are such children.

Now, where's Barbie's pumps?

I guess I'm the man of the house now, eh, folks?

Bud, I am going to kill you.

Oh, yeah, today was book-report day.

- How'd you do, Kel? - How did I do?

I had a meeting with the principal.

A three-hour meeting. A three-hour meeting.

You see, Bud...

...You innocently mixed up Robinson Crusoe and Gilligan's Island .

I told them that, but the principal didn't believe me.

He just said, "Even you, Miss Bundy, are not that stupid."

But he was wrong, wasn't he, Kel?

Well, to make a long story short...

...I'm a laughingstock, you are going to die...

...And I'm suspended until I do a report on the work of some guy named Poe.

You mean, The Tell-Tale Heart?

Yeah.

You really know that one?

Well, sure. It's the one with Cousin Itt.

Really?

Yeah, come on. I'll tell you all about it.

There really is a song in this one.

She may not graduate. You know that, Peg?

Steve, we've been robbed!

They took my Barbie!

Not the one you were saving to give your daughter.

It's someone we know. They went right for her.

Steve, find them. Find them and kill them.

No, don't kill them.

Bring them to me. I'll kill them.

But not at first.

First I'll take a hammer and smash their toes, little to big.

Then, if it was a man-- I know it was a man--

I'll turn the hammer around.

Al...

Steve, get the cops.

Show them this. I dug up this picture of her.

It was taken the night of her first date with Ken.

Marcy, why don't you come upstairs...

...Lie down, and have a good cry on my bed.

God knows, it's used to tears.

Both sides, Peg.

- I'm in big trouble, Al. - She'll never know it was you.

Steve, they left a clue.

I found a hair.

It's just like a fingerprint. No two are alike.

We'll find him.

We'll find him.

Oh, yeah.

I gotta get that doll back, Al.

I'm gonna call the guy we sold it to.

Remember, Kel-- Quoth the raven:

"You rang?"

Dad, you know, I haven't given this baseball card thing a fair chance...

...So my friend Teddy'll check it out.

Go ahead, Bud. That's what they're here for.

Like hell. Get your own hobby.

Al...

...The store was robbed. Barbie's gone, and I'm a dead man.

Oh, well. Here's a question for you:

In 1966, which Cub had a 28-game hitting streak?

Al, don't you understand? If I don't get Marcy's doll back, I--

Twenty-eight games? '66? Billy Williams.

- Ron Santo. - I was gonna say Ron Santo! Damn!

Anyhow, the way I figure it...

...Somebody local robbed that store.

Which means that Barbie is probably still in the area.

We're not gonna comb the streets...

...Looking for a stupid Barbie doll?

Well, some of my teeth are loose...

...But we got her.

Oh, Steve.

That's not my Barbie.

My Barbie has a little cut on the heel of her left foot.

She got it jogging on the beach with Ken.

You don't love me!

Al, those motorcycle guys hurt me.

I know they did.

You're the most wonderful husband in the whole, wide world.

Let's go home.

Marcy, I think I need a dentist.

I'm seriously hurt here.

Thank God you're all right.

What say tomorrow we dress you in your red linen suit for the busy gal?

Speaking of red, I'm bleeding internally here.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I don't think they should have children.

I don't think anybody should.

Mom, Dad, tomorrow I'm turning in my report on Poe's The Raven Family ...

...Featuring Morticia, Gomez and Thing.

I've been working really hard on this...

...So let's say that if I get an A, can I get my own car?

Any kind you want, sweetheart.