Original subtitles

Yes, Christmas Eve is finally here...

...And so is the new Lakeside Mall.

Bring the little kiddies. We've got six Santas. No waiting.

For you bigger kids, come to the Red Nose Bar...

...And meet Santa's very special reindeer, Donna.

So come on down. We're open till midnight. Singers?

Thanks for the help. If you don't know what to get old Dad for Christmas...

...Don't worry about it. You've already given it to him.

It's called a hernia.

Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?

Kelly can shop, you can get bombed...

...And I can ride Santa's very special reindeer.

Dad, why don't we get Bud a scratching post to rub against?

You know, it'll save the furniture.

You want to save the furniture?

Why don't you stop putting notches on your bedposts?

Now, Bud, apologize to your sister.

- No. - Okay.

So can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?

No, and I'll tell you why.

That mall is killing your father.

I thought Mom was doing that.

Let me tell you something about Lakeside Mall.

It's taken all the business from my mall.

If this continues, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the L.

Not us. We'll be in a nice warm foster home.

- Come on. Let's go, Kel. - Nobody move.

That mall's not so great.

Just stores selling cheap, gaudy merchandise...

...That only appeals to the tasteless, low-class shopper.

God, I love that Lakeside Mall.

Al, give me some money. I'm going back.

- Anyone want to come with me? - I do. I do.

Peggy, I'm ashamed of you.

I know, Al.

Don't you understand?

If people keep shopping there, we'll be broke and living under the L.

Not me. I can always remarry.

- We'll be in a foster home. - Let's go shopping.

Family, before you go, bring Dad his shotgun and stand close together.

Come on. I only go to that mall because it's closer and better than your mall.

I mean, it's not like I was buying shoes there.

You should see it, honey.

For Christmas, they have elves to help you with your packages...

...And a real reindeer for the kids to ride.

Although I think he may be dying.

- Well, then, let's hurry. - Yeah, come on, Al.

Santa is parachuting into the mall at 5:00.

- All right. - Come on.

That's not what Christmas is about.

Christmas is about family and giving.

Okay, here's all the crap my family gave us last year.

It's time for the traditional rewrapping of this garbage for your family.

Well, all except Aunt Pooh's fruitcake. Everyone in the family already got that.

Dad, you punted that around last year.

All right. We'll give it to Steve and Marcy.

Has anyone picked out a tree?

The tree in the Ginty house sure is pretty this year.

- It's got lots of tinsel on it. - That'll be our tree.

That's your job. He throws it out the day after Christmas, so bring it home.

Right, Dad.

That about does it for Christmas this year.

I'm tired.

Aren't you forgetting something, Greatest Daddy in the World?

Coolest Dad in the Universe.

You, who makes my life worth living.

You all want your presents, don't you?

No. We really love you.

Life stinks. Well, okay.

Let me go get my Christmas bonus, and then I'll go buy your presents.

Dad, you didn't get our presents yet? It's Christmas Eve.

The stores'll be packed.

Not in my mall, son.

Okay. He's gone.

Now for Daddy's present.

Bud, run upstairs and get a tie out of Daddy's closet.

- I'll get a box. - No, no, no. Wait.

It's Christmas. We should make it special for him.

Bud, get one of his shirts too.

Gosh. I just love Christmas.

I can't wait to see Daddy's face when he opens it.

That's his favourite shirt.

Yeah, I saw a belt up there that would be great for his birthday.

Hi. Do the Rhoades live here?

- Why? - I have a delivery for them.

Why, yes. I'm Mrs. Rhoades.

Thank you.

Gee. I don't have any change.

Bud, could you take care of that, please?

Thank you, dear.

Kids, look at what we got...

...From...The Schmidts from Philadelphia.

Hey, honey. Look what we got from the Schmidts.

They're good people.

Dad, I don't see any presents.

He probably has them in the car, stupid. Don't you, Dad?

You know how, when we didn't have much, we could look at poor people...

...Who were less fortunate than us and feel better.

Well, let's find a mirror.

Business was so bad, I didn't get a Christmas bonus this year.

Al, no.

You mean we told you we loved you for nothing?

So you're saying there's no reason to live.

Yes, I am.

Dad...I'm not like the others. I don't care if you have no money.

- You're still my father and I love you. - Thanks, son.

You're really getting me a present, right, Dad?

You're cutting out the women.

Good, because you should hear how they talk about you.

Nobody gets a present, son.

Pretty low, Dad.

Al, Christmas without presents...

...Will be like our birthdays.

Happy birthday, hon.

I know what we can do. Let's go down to the Lakeside Mall.

Santa's gonna drop gift certificates as he jumps from the plane.

Let's trample the weak and get all we can.

Go to the mall that killed me.

Delivery from Santa for the Bundys.

Gee. Well, thank you. Good thing they're labelled.

I wouldn't want to get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us.

What did Peggy get you, Al?

Irregularity.

And these two.

Al, have you been to the new mall? It is packed.

Traffic is unbelievable. Only eases near your mall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me my present, Steve.

Al, we thought long and hard about this...

...And then we came up with the perfect gift. Here.

We donated money to the National Organization for Women.

Merry Christmas.

That's great. Do I get tickets to their 10K man-stomp?

All right. It's our turn.

What do we get? What do we get?

A fruitcake.

With a footprint on it.

Well, thank you.

Hey, do you mind if we turn on the news?

Maybe they'll show Santa parachuting into the mall.

Come on. It's the news. There's plenty of important stuff on there.

I'm sure they're gonna spend their time to promote a mall.

Well, Connie, I'm here at the jam-packed Lakeside Mall.

And if their low prices aren't enough...

...Santa, wearing high-top Reeboks, available at Weejee's in the mall...

...Will be parachuting in any minute now.

And they wonder who'll fill Cronkite's shoes.

There's the Piper Cub coming out of the clouds now .

And Santa just made the jump.

What a beautiful free fall.

Don't forget, he's coming with a sack of gift certificates for the Lakeside Mall.

That's the Lakeside Mall, where shopping isn't just fun...

- ...It's news. - Come on.

Wow, look at him fly.

Why is he flapping his arms like that?

Santa's chute doesn't seem to be opening.

He's being blown off course.

Our cameras have lost him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we don't know where he is.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey, Peg.

You know what we ought to do tonight?

We ought to make some Christmas cookies.

Yeah, and maybe some eggnog with nutmeg.

You ghouls.

Don't you understand? There's a splattered Santa all over your yard.

What do you want me to do, Steve? Quit eating?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Could you keep her quiet? We're trying to have a Christmas here.

That about wraps it up out there.

Except for a few questions for the coroner's report, if you don't mind.

Did you know the deceased?

Well, you know, I've read about him in books.

But in books, he's usually going up.

So that's a no.

Did anyone actually see him fall?

I wish.

You know, son, I don't want you to get confused here, okay?

The real Santa would never jump out of a plane holding two bottles of muscatel.

No, the real Santa, he's alive and well, and he's living at the North Pole.

He'll visit your house real soon.

I'm sure he'll find it.

It shouldn't be too hard.

Just follow the buzzards.

Is that your shoe, Al?

Nope.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You know, Mr. Bundy, that's evidence.

What the hell. It's Christmas. Let him keep it.

Santa's gone.

I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.

Well, you're in the right place.

Come on, Marcy. These things happen.

When has this happened?

Come on, Marcy. Cheer up.

It could've been worse. He could've landed on the picket fence.

Calm down and have some Christmas pizza.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas, folks.

Yeah, yeah. God bless us, every one.

We want Santa!

What's wrong now? Did the Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?

No. There's kids out there.

This may affect them badly, this being Christmas...

...And Santa here looking like tree sap and all.

We can't take him out there now. Swing him back over that way.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's okay, Marcy. Come on. I'll take you home.

Yes, home. Where Perry Como sings and Santa's still alive.

Is Santa okay? We heard he landed in your yard.

Yes. He's fine.

He's a fat, jolly man, and he'll never leave us.

As long as there's a Christmas, there will be...

Killers!

I'm gonna take Marcy upstairs and lay her down.

- Put her on our bed. - Steve, I'm afraid.

I'll lay down newspaper.

Hey, this bag o' Santa is getting pretty heavy over here.

Just put him over by the presents.

There's plenty of room there.

No matter how many bodies I handle...

...Christmas corpses always depress me.

Well, that's it. Now, listen. We're trying to have a holiday here.

So why don't you go, and take the spirit of Christmas with you.

Hey, I'd love to, Mr. Grinch. But I'm not taking him out with those kids there.

Al, get rid of those kids.

If I knew how to do that, we wouldn't have ours.

Okay, everybody.

Boys and girls...

...And you, Tony...

...Santa's okay.

Now, he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking...

...And he's in the bathroom, bent over...

...But he's going to be fine. So go home.

We want to see him.

No.

- I'm rolling him out right now. - They're children.

This will grow them up.

Sorry. Can't let you do that.

For their mental health, that body's not moving till those kids have left.

You know, pizza. It always reminds me of my first day on the job.

Al, you know what you have to do.

We want Santa. Come on, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Hi, everybody. - Yay, Santa.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm fine. I landed on my belly.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, each and every one.

And remember, I know when you've been sleeping.

I know when you're awake.

You, Joey...

I know it was you who lit that bag of doody and put it on the Bundy porch.

So you're out of luck this Christmas.

But the rest of you will get plenty. And remember...

...Santa's not at the Lakeside Mall.

Santa hates the Lakeside Mall.

Go on home now and torture your parents.

- Ho, ho, ho. - But what did you bring us?

Noth--

Nothing yet.

That's why I got to get back to the North Pole with Dancer and Prancer...

...And Donald and Goofy.

- But we haven't told you what we want. - Santa knows.

Then what do I want?

I don't know. What do you want?

I want to sit on your lap.

All right, but make it fast.

Santa has haemorrhoids.

- What do you want? - Why did you go to Bundy's house?

I came to bring him special presents because he sells women's shoes...

...And is cursed with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids...

...But still, he goes on.

But he's a butthead.

No, he's not.

He's the nicest man on the block.

- Boy, you must be Santa. - I told you I was.

- What do you want? - I want a real live horse.

Your mom's the one who makes pies for everyone in the neighbourhood...

...But those nice Bundys, isn't she?

All right. Santa will leave you a horse tonight under your tree...

...But if it's gone in the morning...

...It's because your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Next.

Don't jump on Santa's lap too hard.

Mrs. Claus won't like that.

No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mom says...

...Mr. Bundy doesn't really sprout a tail at midnight.

But here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy.

Tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr. Mailman's there...

...With a special delivery for Mommy.

That'll be a real yuletide treat for old Dad.

But what do I get?

A new home and a fresh new mommy.

Ho, ho, ho.

Well, old Santa's gotta hit the road.

But I'm gonna go in and say goodbye to my favourite family, the Bundys.

Be nice to them, or you won't get any Christmas gifts next year.

Santa smells like beer.

Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor. Ho, ho, ho.

On, Dondi. On, Dumbo.

Hi-ho, Silver. Away.

Yay, Santa.

Well, they're gone.

All dead guys and non-relatives, out.

- So long, Kel. - Like they really intended to have you.

Now, kids. We wanted both of you.

It was your father I didn't plan on.

I'm feeling a little better now.

Oh, no. He was better off dead.

Ho, ho, ho.

Great. It's probably an elf with a knife in his back.

Hi. Is this the house where the yuletide incident occurred?

- What's it to you? - I'm from the Lakeside Mall.

I just wanted to apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you.

No problem. No inconvenience.

You just took all my business, cost me my bonus...

- ...Made my family hate me. - That's right.

And on top of that, you slam-dunked Santa into my back yard...

...And almost ruined Christmas for the kids.

- Almost? - My husband dressed up as Santa...

...So the kids would know he was okay.

By the way, love your mall.

We've got it all.

So no one around here knows what really happened?

Nope. Thanks to me.

Hey, that ought to be worth something, huh?

Not anymore.

I mean, if the kids think Santa's okay, Santa's okay.

So why should I bribe you to say something you've already said?

It would be stupid. Like paying that dead guy...

...For disappointing a whole parking lot full of kids.

I'm saving money right and left here.

It's the best Christmas I've ever had.

Well, that about wraps it up here. Roll him out, boys.

You know, you're a decent guy, so here's a little tip from me to you.

Don't die with your jewellry on, huh?

Well, Al, look at it this way.

You did a nice thing...

...Cost us a nice bribe, and a shot at a happy Christmas.

Thank your father, kids.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I know I let everybody down.

It's okay, Dad. It's not like this never happened before.

Yeah. I mean, the Santa corpse was a new twist...

...But it's something to tell a psychiatrist.

Yes, it's a Bundy Christmas.

And unfortunately, we're Bundys.

- What's that? - If it's dead and has a red nose...

...We'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard.

- What is it, Al? - I don't know. It fell off the roof.

Hey, look. It's $10 certificates from the Lakeside Mall.

- Hundreds of them. - It must be the bag Santa jumped with.

We're rich, we're rich.

I found it.

- Thank your father, kids. - Thanks, Dad.

Let's go bust the mall. But first...

...A moment of silence...

...Because we owe a lot to that jolly, flat man.

Okay, let's go.