Original subtitles

You want some? I made it myself.

Hey, Peg.

I got you something to make your life much easier.

You got a night job?

No. I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Well, then, you've been missing work.

You know how you always complain Buck never comes when you call him?

Well, I got you one of those silent dog whistles. Watch.

Here, Buck.

Now watch this.

Go on, sit there and rust.

Speaking of items just sitting and rusting away...

...It's Thursday night.

Oh, nice timing, Peg.

You know I'm going bowling tonight.

I was gonna try to break 200. Now I got this hanging over me.

Thanks a lot, Peg.

And what's this doing out?

Are we having dinner or is this to tease me and the kids?

No, it's for later.

The girls are coming over.

Oh, my God, they're here.

Quick! I gotta go!

- Where's my lucky bowling socks? - Downstairs, warding off evil spirits.

Hi!

Come on in, girls.

Straight into the kitchen.

There's plaster falling on my head down here!

Make cadence, will you?

Don't worry. He'll be going bowling soon.

I know. He's meeting my Dennis.

And my husband, um...

- Barry? - That's it.

I can never think of his name.

It's amazing what energy they have when they're leaving the house.

But not for us.

You marry them, they forget you're a woman.

God knows, I do my best.

Peggy, you get it once a month.

What's your secret?

Well, I'll tell you.

You have to catch them off guard.

For instance, I'll tell Al that I'm taking a shower before bed.

Then I'll go and turn on the shower and Al will get into bed...

...And pretend to fall asleep before I get out.

Actually, though, I'm hiding in the dark...

...And I grab him just as he hits the mattress.

Sure, sometimes, there's a fight, but it gave us two beautiful children.

I can't understand. Our husbands don't wanna sleep with us anymore.

Why?

Maybe he's afraid he'll wake up in your stomach.

Must he be here?

I'm going. I'm going.

Good God, it calls them from everywhere.

Hi, Peg.

Sorry to interrupt, girls, but I'm in a hurry.

Steve and I have a date planned tonight.

He's meeting me at a sleazy bar where he's going to "pick me up."

Can I borrow a cigarette?

Steve just loves it when I smoke and look like trash.

- Sure. - Thanks.

Excuse me, but if you're married, why are you going out?

Role-playing. It adds mystery and excitement to our love life.

With your husband?

How much of a love life?

Every 36 hours.

Except on weekends when we catch up.

Give us some cigarettes, Peggy.

Yeah. Let's go to the bowling alley and turn on our men!

Al, what are you doing home so early?

You should have seen it.

There was a riot at the alley.

Your friends showed up stinking of chocolates and cigarettes.

They started yelling, "Take me, I'm trash!"

Nobody did. But then the riot started.

It was ugly. Men screaming, running for the exits.

I didn't understand what they said but something big's happening in 36 hours.

Do we have any canned goods?

This could be it.

Sit down, Al.

Did you hear something on the news?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

They said that the sun will supernova...

...And we should have sex before the end.

I got no time. I gotta go looting!

Forget it, Al. I'm only kidding.

Look, unlike you, the sun will be up tomorrow morning.

The girls were just lonely and wanted affection from their husbands.

On league night?

Never mind, Al.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.

Yeah. I'm sure you're really gonna get me with that one twice.

Dad!

No, it's not that, Dad.

You say it's important to do nice things for people.

I never say that, son.

Then it must have been you, Mom.

No, I don't think it was me.

Must have been Cosby, then.

Me and my friends were in the park...

...Heckling some bums, and I met this girl.

She has no place to stay, so I invited her here. Is that okay?

No.

Al, the girl has no place to stay...

...And I'm sure one night with you will send her screaming back to her parents.

She can stay.

Thanks, Mom. She's right outside.

Just until we find her parents.

This is great.

I barely want my own, now I get another runny-nosed--

Mom, Dad, this is Tiffany.

Welcome home, Tiff.

Al, this is not what I expected.

Peg, this is not a present for you.

It's for Dad. From his little boy!

Tiffany, come in. Relax. Sit down.

You want anything, like coffee, water...?

An old man drooling on you.

This is Peg. This is probably the last time you'll see her.

Peg, this must be boring you. Bud, take your mom to the movies.

Let her go by herself, Dad.

I found her.

So, uh, Tiffany...

...Tell us something about yourself.

What Peg means is, where are you from, what are your plans?

When did you stop wearing a bra?

I'm from San Francisco, and I'm going to New York to go to art school.

And I don't like bras.

They're too constricting, don't you think?

Get out.

Peg, she's got no place to go.

Bud, put some sheets and blankets on the couch...

...So your mother will be comfortable.

I meant so Tiffany can be comfortable.

It's so easy to get you two confused.

Sure it's okay?

- Positive. - No!

Thank you. I'll just change for bed, then.

Isn't that cute, Peg? She's...

...Walking.

Will you put down Tiffany's sweater.

You know, Peg...

...Her sweater smells like sunshine.

I'll tell you what.

We'll put it with your shirts.

What with the moons under your arms and her sunshine...

...We'll have a whole galaxy.

I can't thank you enough for letting me stay here with you.

No, you can't.

Give her a chance, Peg. She may.

She did.

Can you teach Peg to do that?

I don't think she'll have time.

She's leaving tomorrow. Early.

Well, I'm going up to bed.

I don't suppose you'd wanna join me.

- Yeah. - Yes?

Oh, yeah. Now. Right now.

Stay!

Peg, you wanna come back up?

Forever.

Coming, Al!

Hey, guys. Thanks for helping out in the yard.

- Glad to help out. - No problem.

Nice guy like you.

I hope my aerobics didn't disturb you.

No. Didn't even notice you.

I'll just go wash up, then.

Thanks, Al.

Well, I hear Louise calling.

Yeah, Sheila's always ready.

Maybe I won't remember what she looks like.

Fanny should still be in bed.

Oh, well, I can pretend the crumbs are sand...

...And we're at the beach!

Well, Al...

...Thanks for letting me work in the yard.

Hey, Al!

What's going on? There are cars parked on my lawn!

- Didn't you get my note? - About five bucks to work your yard?

I was gonna rush over, but I was tossing quarters in the sewer.

There's something upstairs you gotta see.

To the general public, it's a $5.00 charge, but...

...Since you're a friend and I cut down your tree...

...This is a freebee. Oh, Tiffany!

- Yes, Mr. Bundy? - Tiffany, dear, come meet our neighbour.

He lost a tree, but gained a view.

Tiffany, Steve. Steve, view.

Nice to meet you.

Gobloodu...me.

Gee, you're cool, Steve.

Anyhow, let me give you a price list.

On Thursdays, she does aerobics. That's $10.

On Friday she sunbathes...

...And she goes jogging.

That's our combo platter.

15 bucks.

Since you're next door you might want the weekly rate.

That's $50, but with that, you get popcorn and a free lottery ticket.

I can't believe you. This is truly low.

- So you in? - Maybe.

No, I'm not in. Where's Peggy?

Well, she couldn't quite get up today.

Look at her, Steve.

She's in the kitchen. Isn't that cute?

Okay, so she's beautiful and gorgeous and all that...

...But, Al, so is Marcy, and Marcy has inner beauty.

And the one true erogenous zone in the body is right up here.

But the thing is, I don't see many men going around pinching women's heads.

Well, perhaps we should.

Wait a second.

Modigliani, Kandinsky, Chagall.

Who here would be reading art books?

Who here would be reading?

Oh, those are mine.

I must admit it was the American Impressionists who won my heart.

How do you feel about Hassam?

Oh! And Cassatt!

Al, isn't this exciting? She likes art!

Look at her legs, Steve.

Oh, Peg! Peg, it's wake-up time!

Sorry to leave you down here.

I had to take care of something upstairs.

Well, hi-ho, hi-ho. I'm off to work.

Marcy, how they hanging?

I might be home for lunch.

My, the clouds look especially fluffy today.

What is going on?

What's all this singing at night I hear?

That's the sounds of nookie, dear.

Everybody's getting it.

But if you were getting it every 36 hours before Tiffany...

...I'm surprised you're even conscious.

So, what are you batting these days?

He doesn't even get up to the plate.

Gee, too bad.

I can't stand it, Peggy.

Everyone in this neighbourhood is happy but me.

It's not fair.

I'm supposed to be the happy one...

...Not you people.

All Steve wants to do is talk about Tiffany.

Tiffany, Tiffany, Tiffany.

He could care less I was waiting at the bar last night...

...With a cigarette.

He never did show up.

I spent three hours downing brewskies with a spot welder named Bluto.

Well, why don't you look at it this way:

So your husband doesn't find you attractive and interesting now.

Did you think you'd spend married life having sex and fun indefinitely?

Not in this town, Marce.

So why don't you do what the girls and I did?

Get yourself some bonbons...

...Play bingo...

...And readjust the shower heads in the bathroom.

How about if I try this:

Putting Tiffany's hair in a Veg-O-Matic.

Slice it, dice it...

...Let it sit in her lap while I dance around her shaven head.

Come on, you've gotta help me.

We must get rid of her.

Oh, no, no, no, Marce.

We must put an end to world hunger.

We must buckle up for safety.

But when it's Peg Bundy getting it regularly, we must go with the flow.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

...I must go and get dinner for my sugar tush.

If Tiffany comes in, could you have her on the couch when Al comes home?

It's important.

Hello?

No, Steve, this is not Tiffany.

This is your wife.

And let me tell--

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades.

Gee, you're looking haggard.

Isn't this nice?

The birds are singing...

...The whole neighborhood smells of bacon...

And, you know, everybody says that the clouds look especially fluffy.

- Here are your messages, Kel. - Thank you.

Craig called. Saw Tiffany. Please call immediately.

Don, ditto.

Cliff. Ooh, Cliff!

Uh, Kel. You're forgetting something.

You are one heck of a little brother.

Yep. I found her.

Hi. How are you?

Gee, isn't it a pretty day?

All right, blondie.

Let's get right to the point.

I want you to stop talking Modigliani with my husband.

You must be married to Steve, the banker/mountain climber.

He hasn't climbed anything since you hit this burg.

But I'm probably boring you with my petty problems.

Pretty much, yeah.

Well, then, let's talk about you.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I hate to see you...

...A budding young artist, wasting your life.

You should be in New York, that cultural mecca...

...Studying to be the great artist you could be.

Is this one of your sketches, dear?

Yes, it is.

It's lovely.

I'm sorry.

It's just that when I see art this good--

I get kind of choked up.

You really think I'm that good?

I've seen the sun come up over a garden hose before...

...But now that I've seen it through your eyes...

...I truly understand.

The hose represents man's state in the universe.

Tiffany, go!

You must share your vision with all of New York!

You're right. I'll go.

- I'll tell Peg and Al tonight-- - No!

Don't tell them. Just go.

A clean break is best.

There's a prepaid ticket waiting for you at O'Hare.

- My treat. - Thank you, Mrs. Rhoades.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pack! - Oh, okay!

New York?

Hey, Peg.

What happened to the birds?

I don't know, Al.

You wanna go upstairs?

No, not yet.

It doesn't smell like it used to in here.

It's not like a sea breeze anymore.

Where's Tiffany?

Out. For the evening.

She went to the movies.

- You wanna go upstairs? - Uh, no. No, uh...

Something's missing.

Is it darker, or...

...Colder?

Has the paint faded?

All right, Al.

She's gone. Forever.

But it doesn't matter, honey.

Who needs her? We've been so happy together...

...And we've learned so much.

Like that you won't die if we do it more than once a month.

Let's go upstairs.

I'm going up. You wanna join me?

Al?

Oh, God, no!