Original subtitles

I'm so excited.

Steve has been gone for five days.

That's the longest we've been apart since our marriage. You know how it is.

What would you do if Al left for five days?

Cash in his insurance policy...

...Give the kids to my mother, and travel.

There's Steve now. Get ready.

Al, did you have to come home?

The summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought:

What the hell? Let's spend the night at the ghetto home.

- What's going on? - A welcome back party for Steve.

So the bucket of death wasn't really meant for me.

Why isn't the party at her house?

Was it because all Steve's friends couldn't fit in there?

No, you see, when Steve comes back from these trips, he comes back ready.

If the party was at our house, there'd be a mess.

Steve has trouble getting aroused if the house isn't clean.

Maybe if I cleaned up, Al would get aroused.

It's not worth the gamble.

Steve loves his river-rafting trips. I went with him once.

You can't imagine what it's like to ride something so wild and uncontrolled.

Yes, I can.

That's him. Hurry.

Everybody hide.

Get the door, Al.

I can't. I'm hiding.

- Surprise! - Hey, this is great.

Steve, I missed you--

What's that on your face?

It's a beard. Like it?

The stories I have to tell...

The very first morning--

All's well that ends well.

Let's get some cake, huh?

I don't know, Marce.

I'm...kind of tired, you know?

Really tired.

Bone weary.

You know, Steve, I'm kind of pooped too.

You go home and shave. I'll make sandwiches...

...In case you want a snack between...naps.

Actually, I was thinking of keeping the beard.

You can, Steve.

After you shave, you can keep it in a little box.

No, I'm serious. I like it.

- Look, Al. They're gonna fight. - Yeah. Yeah.

Good. Hide the cold cuts where the kids won't find them.

Now, come on, Steve. Go on home and shave.

No.

No? No?

I must have misheard you. I thought you said "no."

I thought all our decisions were going to be joint decisions.

A beard is a decision.

Fine. Next time you wanna grow a beard, do it.

Don't think I won't.

The beard stays.

It's gone. I'll see to that.

You have to sleep sometime.

Try it, Marcy. I sleep like the owl.

A beard, huh?

It won't work, Al.

I don't look at your face anyway.

Everybody like their cake?

Yeah.

You know, Mom, I swear I smell cold cuts.

Do we have some?

- No. We don't have any. - No. I wish.

- Hear Steve and Marcy fight last night? - I'll tell you this...

When I'm married, my wife won't tell me to shave.

No, she'll just be going:

Sure. Everybody makes fun of me because I'm the only virgin here.

Oops.

He's lying, Dad.

Come on, now, kids.

Is that the way we talk at the breakfast table?

Nope, sorry, Tex. No chores for you today.

Maybe we'll have you chop a little wood for us tomorrow.

Ha-ha. I'm not really in the mood for this, Al.

I just came over to say I'm sorry if the noise kept you awake last night.

Don't worry. We didn't hear a word...

...Especially when Marcy said...

... "I don't care how sad Mr. Mike is. There's no room at the inn."

If it's that woman, I'm not here.

He's over there.

Steven Rhoades, don't think you can walk out of this argument.

What argument? Do you see an argument?

No. All I see is an innkeeper who doesn't honour reservations.

Shave the beard.

Okay, I'll just go where my beard is appreciated.

Somewhere where looks aren't important.

Oh, no.

With my friends, the Bundys.

And I will remain here until you accept this beard and all it stands for.

Fine. You can stay here as long as you want.

How long will that be, Steve?

Till hell freezes over, if need be.

She's gotta learn that a man's face...

...Is a man's face.

You think I'm right, don't you?

I don't look at Al's face.

All right, Steve. If you wanna play out this macho charade, go ahead.

You can return when your face is back to the baby's behind I fell in love with.

Where do I sleep?

Hi, hon.

What a day.

Get me a beer, will you?

You know, every broad that came in the store today...

...Was complaining their husbands don't pay enough attention to them.

You smell good today, Peg.

Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.

- What the hell are you doing here? - I live here.

But I want you to know, I am not going to bother you.

So if I do anything that gets on your nerves, don't hesitate to tell me.

Don't put your feet on the coffee table. I just cleaned that.

And don't scrunch up the pillows. I have to sleep there.

If you're gonna watch TV, I go to bed at 10:30 sharp.

10:30? That's when Peggy goes to sleep.

That means I have to go up there with her.

Well, I hate to punish Peggy, but I need my sleep.

Well, how about this, Steve?

Shave that bird's nest and get the hell out.

What--? What's that smell?

It's food, Al.

Well, how'd you get the stove to work? Peg said it's been broken for months.

Nah, I checked it out. Somebody just cut the cord.

Hey.

Mr. Rhoades is making food.

Yeah, and look. He's using the bottom thing.

It's called an oven.

Wow.

You know, kids, we've eaten before, but...

...We've never really eaten.

Thank your mother for that terrific meal.

Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.

I set out the napkins.

Mr. Rhoades, do you know anything about algebra?

Well, I have been known to juggle a few numbers down at the bank.

I was gonna help you with your homework.

Why not pass if you can?

What a showoff.

All four burners going at once.

Well, I saw, Al. He only used three...

...And that bottom thing.

Just wait till our electric bill comes.

It's gas, Peg.

Who cares? The point is, we've made a big mistake by letting Steve stay here.

And I don't think it's good for the children, either.

I'm going upstairs and putting a stop to this nonsense right now.

- You'll get rid of him in the morning? - Sure.

Hi. Is Steve here?

I thought maybe we could...talk?

No.

Good morning, Steve.

Hey, Peg.

Steve, you look great. I especially like that beard.

Hey, let's go out tonight, buddy. Bowling, a movie.

Hey, let's go shopping. I'll buy you something.

Thanks, Al, but I won't be home tonight.

What's wrong? You upset? Is it Peggy? Did she say something?

Because let me know. If she did, she'll be out of here by night.

No. Al, it's not Peggy.

I'm going to a banker's banquet. Marcy and I both have to be there.

But you're not gonna... Talk to her, are you?

No, no. But we agreed to go together for appearances' sake.

This banquet's important to both our careers.

It's gonna be uncomfortable for me to be there with her.

I haven't seen her for five days. I haven't touched or smelled her.

- I haven't buried my face in her-- - Steve.

Remember what's important. You have a beard and a family to take care of.

Al, I'm horny.

I'm thinking of shaving.

- Yes! - No!

Al, calm down.

- Can we go someplace private to talk? - Sure, buddy.

Peg, get out of here.

Fine. I think I'll go upstairs and look through the photo album.

You know, I think I have a picture of Marcy...

...Last summer, washing the car.

You know, when she got her T-shirt wet...

...And you said something about...

...Taking her for a little spin, but you didn't use the car?

You know. That picture?

I'm shaving, Al. I've never seen a T-shirt that wet.

Sit down, Steve.

I can't, Al.

Steve, I'm gonna tell you a little something I learned about life.

Good. At the feet of the master again.

The way I see it...

...Nature played a cruel trick on us.

It did move us next door to each other.

All right, two tricks, but I mean the one that keeps men from ruling the earth.

See, nature gave men the urge...

...And women the answer.

Sure, it's not much, but it's all they need.

Gee, I wish nature gave us everything, like the worm...

...Or like that guy who works down at the antique store...

...But nobody asked me, and now it's too late.

God, that was a wet T-shirt.

Steve, think dry here for a minute, will you?

See, the problem is...

...Women know we have these urges...

...But they have the same urges we do.

They just don't show it because...

...Well, that's how spiteful they are.

But, Steve, they need us just as much as we need them.

Why?

Because we can do the job...

...And you can't take a battery home to meet your mother.

There. I've said my piece.

Now, what are you gonna do about it, buddy?

I'm gonna shave and rock the house.

The beard itches. I'm sick of it, and I look stupid.

Well, I know you do, Steve, but at least you've got your pride.

A guy like you can get sex anytime he wants to.

But it's pride that keeps our pants up, Steve.

Just say no.

You know something, Al?

You're right. Evolution may have passed you by, but you're right.

- I know I am. - I'm making a point here.

- I am fighting the good fight. - You're right.

Steve, when you get back, I'll still be up.

Do you suppose you could make those little brown potatoes? I love those.

- I waited till they left. What's the news? - Steve is horny.

I can tell. Your house is clean.

- Is he ready to shave the beard? - Almost.

But of course, we have the usual obstacle.

What's Al doing?

Making Steve hold out until you give in.

It will be a cold day in--

Oh, God, I need him.

Calm down, Marcy.

This is one of Steve's socks.

Yes, but Al's been wearing it.

Peggy, what am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

Look, you don't have to give up any--

An hour and a half?

If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had...

...It still doesn't come to an hour and a half.

At least not of pleasure.

Oh, well. Look. You can keep your principles and still have Steve.

Marcy, I only want your happiness.

Preferably at your own house.

Because, you see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband...

...And it has just got to stop.

So why don't you do this: When you pick up Steve for this banker thing...

...Why don't you wear the sleaziest, sexiest, sluttiest outfit you can find.

I'll loan you something.

I couldn't do that. Our relationship isn't based on that.

Oh, please. Then what does it mean when you're screaming:

"Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God," yet you never go to church?

Marcy, let me tell you a little something about men.

You see, nature played a very cruel joke on them.

It gave them a source of pleasure, but in order for it to work...

...The blood has to leave the brain.

And, you see, it leaves them confused...

...Disoriented...

...And eager to enter into negotiations.

Because the brain wants that blood back.

You see, it needs it to go to work...

...To pay for all those things it agreed to only moments before.

You see, Marcy, we may not have upper-body strength...

...But we do have sexual kryptonite.

Use it, Marcy. Have him shave that beard.

Hell. Have him shave his head. For me.

No. I will not stoop as low as to use sexual bartering in our marriage.

I'll appeal to his intellect.

We'll have a rational discussion, and he'll shave because he'll see I'm right.

Do you have any batteries?

I hate this beard.

Just say no.

I don't think I can, Al.

Marcy's gonna be here soon.

I was looking up dresses at work today, Al.

Perfectly natural.

It's natural in your business. You're a shoe salesman.

Bankers put the security cameras on the floor to do that. I did that today.

I'm gonna cave. I just know it.

I know you are too, Steve.

That's why I have a gift for you.

A very special gift.

I didn't want to do this until it was absolutely necessary, but...

Sit down.

Clear your mind.

Think of Marcy.

And take a look at...

...My mother-in-law!

Everybody says that.

Yep. Look at her, bending over at the beach.

Summer of '71.

Notice the perspiration...

...Percolating in the folds of her flesh.

You may wonder why her upper arms are blurry.

There was a breeze...

...And we caught them in mid-flap.

Thanks, Al. I'm okay now.

Steve, take it, and if you should get the urge at this banquet...

...Take a look at it. It's also good for dieting.

Marcy.

Steve.

Your hair. You changed it.

Yes. Like it?

Not really.

Are we ready?

All right, Steve.

But first, I have something to say.

With regards to your beard, though it is your face...

...It has affected both of us.

It does not enhance your business persona, and it makes me unhappy.

So I appeal to your intelligence...

...Sensitivity, and good judgment by asking you to please shave the beard.

No.

In that case...

Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes?

Can you do that?

Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half like Steve does?

Can you do that?

Burger King?

Yeah.