Original subtitles

- Hi. - Hi, hi, hi. How are you?

Gee, I just love bowling.

The sound of the pins, the feel of the ball...

...The smell of... dead farm animals.

I'm going for a beer. Want something?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm sure a waitress will be along in a minute.

Oh, Peggy!

Oh, hi. I didn't see you there.

Mimi. That is you under that bad dye job.

Oh, kids, kids. Come meet an old woman.

Peg, I'd like you to meet the twins, Roscoe and Frank.

Gee, they don't look alike.

Same father? Or should I say donor?

Peg, so life hasn't been too good to you, huh?

- I don't work. - Well, I don't work, either.

- I don't do anything. - Either do I. I have a maid.

Not me. My house is a sty, and I don't care.

Hiya, babe.

That's my husband, Chuck.

You poor thing.

Oh, yeah? But he has a...

It was so nice seeing you again, Peg.

Yes, and nice to see you too.

God, I hate her!

What an idiot.

Look at that stupid hop. Does she think she'll get--

Strike!

- Your turn, Peg. - Oh, no, Al. I can't. She's watching me.

When I get up there, she'll bet I can't strike like her, and she'll be right.

It'll be just like high school all over again.

Peg, I'm looking at both of you.

Believe me, it won't be like high school.

I don't know. I kiss you and I kiss you, and you're still a frog.

Anyway, when we were in school, we would bet on everything.

We didn't have money then, so we'd bet pride.

You know, we'd pick something humiliating...

...And then the loser, me, would have to do it in public.

Nice spare, honey!

Watch me and want me.

Strike!

Yay! Al got a strike!

My husband is better than your husband.

Oh, yeah? Well, my kids are better than your kids.

Yeah, well, you're aging badly.

Oh, yeah? Well, how about a little family bowl-off?

No.

What do you mean, no?

I can bowl that doofus off the face of the earth.

- We can beat them. - Yeah, but Mimi's better than me.

Since Bud's taken bowling lessons, he says he's bowling 130.

Look at "eight eyes" over there.

They're pathetic.

Even if Kelly stinks like you...

...With me and Bud taking up the slack, we can't lose. Go ahead, bet.

- Mimi! - Yes, Peggy?

Okay, it's a bet.

Saturday night, family bowl-off, 8:00 sharp.

Fine. Okay, now for the bet.

Let's see.

Loser sniffs every bowling shoe in the alley.

- No. - Okay, all right. Okay.

Winner walks the loser through the mall on a leash?

- No. - All right, okay, okay.

Loser runs through the bowling alley naked.

No!

I know.

The loser, you, will have to dress like a human trophy...

...And pose for pictures with everybody in the alley.

- Okay, it's a bet. - Good.

Oh, Peggy, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Didi.

That's two I's, not four E's.

Gee, you have beautiful children.

Yeah, right. But Didi can break 200.

Hey, now, wait a second. That's five.

We don't have five.

Oh, gee, Peggy, surely you must have some relatives somewhere...

...You can de-louse and trot out?

No bet!

Oh, fine, Peggy. I understand.

Kids, take a look at a born loser.

Kids, take a look at a bald woman.

Why, I ought to-- I never liked you!

Let go of my hair! I hate you!

Do I hate her!

Well, at least you got that souvenir.

It's just not enough.

I really wanted that bowl-off.

I just know we could have won if we'd had five.

Why didn't we have another child?

Sorry.

Well, there goes my day. What do you want?

Hey, we're friends. Can't we drop over for no reason?

No.

- Why are you here? - Set off a bug bomb.

We can't go back for another ten minutes.

So, what's going on?

I'm a little down tonight.

I ran into an old friend that I hate more than life.

Ever go to school with someone who does everything better than you do?

- Barb Lehnhardt. - What?

My rival was Barb Lehnhardt.

It started in kindergarten.

I let Don Thudey kiss me on the cheek.

She showed him her underpants.

First day of gym, I was wearing a T-shirt.

She was wearing a bra.

I finally had a chance to beat her at our high school reunion.

I had a great job, a terrific husband, and I'd lost ten pounds.

Then she went and died a tragic death, and that's all anyone could talk about.

"Poor Barb."

"Poor Barb."

They could care less that I was a success.

Her decapitation got all of the attention.

It was so Barb. God, I hate her.

Well, my Barb is Mimi Stoatz.

I've finally got a shot at beating her at bowling, and I won't get the chance.

I'm one bowler short, and I needed a good one.

Done.

You know somebody?

I sleep with him.

Shh! Who?

Steve.

Oh. Steve?

Look at him. His lithe, wiry body was made for bowling...

...And he does a heck of a little mambo too.

Al, Steve can bowl!

You bowl?

Well, I don't like to brag. Marcy?

He's a wonderful bowler, Al.

What do you bowl?

- Marcy? - About 165.

170.

Steve, you're a godsend. I need you to be my ringer.

Will you bowl for me Saturday night?

- If I still can after you let go of me. - Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Saturday night at eight.

All you have to do is bowl great and be a Bundy.

Yeah, right. When I grow fur and marry Cheetah.

Not a chance! Besides, no one will believe I'm a Bundy.

We'll Bundy you up.

I don't wanna be Bundied up. What if you do it, and I can't come back?

Steve, please. Do it for me...

...And I'll do it for you.

Let's bowl!

We're gonna do it, Peg! We're gona beat the Stoatz family!

Hey, kids, come on over here! It's time for the Bundy cheer!

- Oh, no. - Come on over here.

Whoa, Bundy!

Great news. We're gonna bowl against the hated Stoatz family Saturday night.

- Bowl? - We're looking forward to your 130.

I love you, Bud.

Hey, I'm giving up a Saturday night here.

Doesn't anyone love me?

Kelly, you bowl a 60. What do you want?

Peg, let's go upstairs and call Mimi and tell her the bet's on.

You better dial because I'm saving my hand for bowling.

You make me sick.

Bud's the smart one, Bud's the good one, Bud's the hero.

Yeah, I'm giving up a great date, but who cares, because I stink.

So go ahead and gloat.

Well?

The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're so used to failure.

So maybe you can tell me how to break this to Mom and Dad.

That money I took for bowling lessons...

...I now have a lifetime pass to the Pussycat Theatre...

...And I can't bowl worth a damn.

Wait, you're not kidding me, are you?

- No, Kell. - Oh, God! I love you!

You won't tell, will you?

And give up counting the beads of sweat forming on your forehead...

...Because you've ruined your mother's life?

Oh, no, Budrick.

I plan to be just as stunned as the rest of the family.

Bud, a liar?

Okay, the bet's made.

Did I tell you? The loser has to dress up as a human trophy.

Oh, the humiliation!

I'm finally gonna beat her.

Thank you, Bud!

Yes! Thank you, Bud.

I'm the good one now.

Bud, where's Mom and Dad?

They went to Bowl Town. Dad needed some stuff.

What am I gonna do, Kell?

Stink and be punished.

Oh, God, this is great, and it's only the first day.

Gee, the pressure must be terrible.

Oh, oh, could you do me a favour?

After your first gutter ball, and I get a photo...

...Of Mom and Dad's looks of regret and horror...

...Could you tilt your chin up...

...So the light catches that tear streaming down your face?

You're dirt, Kell.

Yes, but everybody knows it.

Howdy, teammate.

Bud's a 130 bowler, you know.

Listen, Bud, are your folks in?

I want to ask them if I could be an adopted Bundy.

That would help explain my hygiene, grammar, and full set of teeth.

Mr. Rhoades, could you do me a favor and run over my hand with your car?

When will this punk stuff end?

A mangled hand isn't what you're going to want when you're 40, young man.

Mr. Rhoades, sit down.

Have you ever lied to your mother?

Of course not.

I did tell her I was the bank president...

...But I will be some day, so that's not really a lie, is it?

- What did you do? - I told her I could bowl.

Of course you can bowl. You're a Bundy.

A failed Bundy.

She's counting on me. I'm gonna let her down.

Well, how about this?

I have to believe that somewhere in your chromosomes, there's a bowler.

We got six days. Let's go to the lanes and practice. You pay.

You've got a deal.

And buy me an ice cream.

Don't push it, Mr. Rhoades.

All right. A lot can be accomplished in a week.

Now, let's see your form.

Good, good.

Al, it's 7:15!

If we don't get there by 8:00, we forfeit! Come on, honey!

I'm ready!

What is that?

It's my pro-bowler automatic thumb warmer, limited edition.

Let's get us some Stoatz meat.

Whoa, Bundy!

Okay, okay, so you've touched paws.

Can we bowl now?

My daughter's on her way. We'll wait for her.

No chance. She gets a zero for every frame she misses.

Wait a second. Who's this guy?

- Cousin Steve. - I smell a ringer.

This guy's no Bundy.

Oops. My mistake. He's a Bundy.

So are we ready?

Let's bowl.

Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!

Bud! Bud! Bud! Bud!

That's my boy! Yeah!

Come on, kill those pins.

Yes!

Strike!

Yeah!

Well, it's about time.

Sorry I'm late. I wanted to be here to see your face when Bud bowled his...

...49? By the fourth frame?

Bowling lessons pay off, Kell.

Thank God for Bud. Bud's the good one.

- I'm cursed. - Where were you, anyway?

He was the most gorgeous boy in school, it's Saturday, I'm young...

...And this is bowling.

- Show them what you got, Roscoe. - Yeah, Roscoe.

You know, just once, I'd like to see you do something to help your family.

That's my girl!

Yay! All right!

- Yes! - Yay!

Al, he got a spare.

We're in our final frame, and we need 23 pins.

23? No problem.

I'm ready.

Strike!

Oh, Al, Al! Can you do it again?

That's all I ever hear from you.

For my next ball...

...I'd like a steak dinner with all the trimmings.

I'll even make potatoes.

Strike!

Yeah! Yes! Yes! You did it!

We need three pins to win.

Three pins! Oh!

You have the sex drive of a stone, but I love you.

Three pins!

Let's see, which one should I get?

The 1-2-3, the 3-4-5...

...Or the ever-tricky 1-7-9?

Just bowl, you moron.

Okay, kids, get out the cameras. History is about to be made.

Stee--

Next.

I don't know what happened, Peg. The ball must have slipped.

Somebody must have tampered with my thumb warmer...

...But I still bowled a 175, Peg.

Good, Al.

No, I mean it, Peg. I'm upset about this. You know how much this thing cost?

You gonna be long, Peg? The kids are hungry.

Just go home, Al.

- You sure you'll be okay? - Get the hell away from me, okay?

Say good night to your mother, kids.

Goodbye, Mom.

Bye, Mom.

Come on.

I can't walk out on her like this.