Original subtitles

Monday, 3:00, People's Court .

Three-thirty, Wheel of Fortune .

Four o'clock...

...My time.

Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?

- He went to get a haircut. - He didn't need a haircut.

I know, but he and his friends like to sit around there...

...And talk about all they could have been in life.

So it shouldn't be long. Why?

Well, he promised to give me another driving lesson today.

Unless you'd like to do it. Please?

- Well, what's wrong with your father? - He won't let me adjust the seat...

...His foot stays poised over the brake, and he yells out:

"Red light! Stop! Stop! Stop," when it's still three blocks away.

I just know that my roots are coming in grey.

You know the most irritating thing of all?

The way he spits out the window.

No, it's instead of listening to real music...

...He cranks up the oldies station.

Well, don't worry about it, honey.

Tomorrow, you'll pass your driving test and have your very own license.

Well, Daddy's home.

I'll go get my jacket and my earplugs.

Peg, sell the house!

Why, Al? Did you see a shirt somewhere you'd like?

Yes. It said, "Congratulate me. Wife's dead."

In the barbershop, I got a tip on a horse.

It's fate, Peg. His name is Dr. Footwear.

Get it? Dr. Footwear.

I sell shoes.

He's running this Sunday at Arlington...

...But the great part is he's never won a race!

Al, does this story have a point...

...Or does it just sort of go on endlessly, like our marriage?

When you act like this I wanna throw you on the floor...

...And make love to you.

Either that or just throw you on the floor.

Back to the horse. They're holding him back to run up the odds...

...Which, this Sunday, will be a minimum of 20-to-1.

This is our chance to really make it big.

I gotta get some money to bet.

Is there anything we don't use anymore that we can sell?

Yes, but who'd want to buy your toothbrush?

You're a big help. It's like that old saying:

Behind every empty shell of a man is one of your relatives.

Ready to take me driving, Daddy?

What is the big rush about getting a license?

I mean, do you think driving a car is glamorous?

Well, not as glamorous as hitching with pervos...

- ...But I still wanna drive. - Well, what about the bus?

Yeah, great, crammed together with a bunch of sweaty strangers...

...Who don't speak any English except for, "Hey, blondie, look at this."

Daddy just doesn't wanna pay the insurance, dear.

No, that's my pleasure, Peg.

Though my rates will skyrocket because you're underage...

...And I'm paying a special rate for the bumper car queen over here.

I know why you don't want me to drive, and it's not the insurance.

Your little girl's growing up, and you can't bear to let her go, huh?

No, it's the insurance.

- Take her out, Al. - Yeah, take her out...

...Buy her clothes. She needs books.

Get her some medicine. When will it all end?

Sure, I get one day off a week...

...And what do I wind up doing? Spending it with my family. Oh, God!

Saturday, 11:00 p.m., make love.

11:05...

...Al goes to sleep.

11:06, finish making love.

Hi, Mom. If anything should happen to me...

...Don't believe that I jumped in front of Kelly's car.

She's been telling me when she gets her license, I'm car meat.

Oh, Bud, she's just teasing you.

The last time she teased me like that, I woke up bald.

Well, yeah, but then you got to be Kojak for Halloween.

- Kelly's the worst driver in the world. - Daddy got a ticket.

- Hi, Kelly. - Hi, car meat.

- Mom... - Go out and play, Bud.

Watch out for cars.

I can't believe this. "Let's have kids."

Now I get a ticket.

Driving with your shoes off, Al?

We got stopped for a busted taillight, then he got another ticket...

...Because his license expired last month.

Oh, Al, that means it was your birthday last month.

Happy birthday, honey.

You know what this means, Mom.

Dad has to take his driving test with me tomorrow.

Oh, Daddy's growing up so fast.

Oh, get away from me.

Just what I wanna do tomorrow, spend the day at the DMV.

Eight hours in line, with a bunch of foreigners who smell like vegetables.

Naturally, I'll be in the wrong line.

My line will be the one where they're barbecuing the Chihuahua.

Mom, Kelly parked on my skateboard.

Oh, did I?

Good thing you weren't on it, huh?

- Well, I'm gonna go study. - Can I quiz you, Kel?

- Sure. - Where were you last night?

Car meat.

What a day off, huh? Next thing you know, Steve and Marcy will come over.

- Guess who. - I give up.

Al, did you know your car has a busted taillight?

And this is my family. It's a great life, huh?

They could pull you over and ticket you for that.

I think they just give you a warning. Unless they really hate you.

- Get rid of them. - Would you like some coffee?

Well, actually, we can't stay long.

We're going to the nursery to pick up some petunia flats.

Real cool, Steve.

Well, it's not the John Wayne movie your life is, but then again, what is?

Anyhow, your car is blocking our driveway.

I could probably get around it, but why should I?

Good parking makes good neighbours, right, Al?

You're not really gonna make me move my car for five feet, are you?

Two feet, three inches, Al.

Gee, Al, that's about how far your underwear lands from the hamper.

Well, you say "I do," but you don't really know what it means.

What are you guys doing?

Studying for my driving test.

Okay, Kel, here's another one.

Okay, walking down the street...

...An old man with a dollar pulls up beside you.

You, A, ignore him and keep walking...

...B, call the police...

...Or C, do what you usually do?

Mom, can we get Bud one of those reflective collars?

Like tiny little bull's-eyes in the night.

So you're finally getting your license, huh?

You're gonna love it, Kelly. Driving gives you real independence.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You know, I was really getting sick...

...Of that "put out or get out" stuff, you know?

Yes, that too...

...But you know, a woman doesn't know true equality...

...Till she has the freedom to come and go as she pleases.

And don't forget to flirt with your driving instructor.

Then if he makes any advances, you can sue him for sex discrimination.

How I envy you.

Hey, Steve?

You know that two feet, three inches?

Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me...

...And gave me another ticket for a broken taillight.

- Well, I warned you, Al. - Yeah.

You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day.

Yeah. I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

I thought we were going, Al.

We'll make a day of it.

Dad, are you sure you don't want to study for your driving test?

- Driving test? - Al got stopped earlier.

He'd let his license expire, so now he has to take the test over again...

...And we know how well Al did in school.

He's a shoe salesman, you know.

I know what you're thinking, Steve, but you can't have her, she's mine.

Till deer season.

These tests are brutal.

Here's one they'll never get me on again.

How many feet in advance should you signal...

...Before turning in a business or residential area?

Who cares?

A cop in one of those areas. Come on, Al, take a guess.

Two feet, three inches.

At least 100 feet.

- Very good. - Thank you.

Maybe you'd better study, Al.

I've been driving for 20 years. I don't have to study.

I passed.

I failed.

Congratulations, Kelly. I'm so proud of you.

Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.

I said, I failed my written test.

Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.

And, Mom, Dad got another ticket for a broken taillight...

...And one for driving without a license.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.

Yeah. This is a great little town.

Neighbourhood's burning down, no cops.

Robberies every minute, no cops.

I start my car, here comes the Bundy squad.

Daddy, this is so like you.

Here I've got this great news, and you have to rain on my parade.

I mean, this is the happiest day of my life.

Well, I'm just glad I could be a small part of it, Pumpkin.

What are you so upset about, Al?

I don't have a license. What does that mean?

A, better Christmas presents for everyone...

...B, the car will be roomier with me not in it...

...Or C, the breadwinner can't drive to work, so we'll all starve.

So there's no problem with me using the car?

No, no. Go ahead. Take it.

Just don't get it dirty because we'll be living in it soon.

Thanks, Dad.

Al, you can always take the test again Monday.

You can make it one weekend without a car.

I gotta get to work tomorrow. How am I gonna get there?

Between Kelly and me, there will be no problem.

Well...

...A special thanks to everyone who didn't get up today to drive me to work.

That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow.

Today, I just get a ticket for a broken taillight.

Peg, I can't believe this.

I got so many tickets, I don't have any money left to bet on that horse.

There's no rush. I'm sure he'll still be running when you get your license.

Yuk it up, Peg. Will you get me some juice, honey?

I'm sorry, Al. We're all out, and I was just too bored to go to the store.

Now I'm too tired.

- I'm going out. - You gonna get me some juice?

No, I'm too busy.

Kelly.

Oh, get real, Dad. Nobody drinks juice but you.

Dad, being without a license...

...Does it make you feel like less than a man?

No, son, that's your mother's job.

Bud, there's this horse that I wanna bet on.

How about lending me a couple of bucks, pal?

No juice, no license, no horse...

...And thou.

Hi, Al. Saw you pedalling in from work.

You didn't study, did you, Al?

You know your bike's got a broken taillight?

- Get lost, Steve. - Right back at you.

Steve, wait a second! I didn't recognize you.

Come on in.

- What do you want? - Well, we're neighbours.

Can't two neighbours just sit and talk?

What do you wanna talk about?

How would you like to increase your money 20-fold?

Already did. I bet you wouldn't pass your driving test.

That's a good one. No.

I am the proud possessor of some information...

...That I could be persuaded to sell to you for twe...

Fifty bucks.

Just what does the twe...fifty bucks buy me, Al?

It's the biggest insider tip of all time. It's on the stock market.

Well...

...I'll give you 25.

Deal. I was only kidding. It's really a horse.

- Give me my money back. - He's coming in at 20-to-1.

It's better than stock, where you just make two-to-1.

This is 20-to-1, Steve. It's 20-to-1.

His name is Dr. Footwear.

Get it? Dr. Footwear, see?

I sell shoes.

- Anyway, he's guaranteed to win. - Nothing is guaranteed.

Wrong. As long as I live in this world, I'm guaranteed to wallow in misery...

...But this horse is going to win.

All you have to do is take me down there, and we'll both take limos home.

Well, what time is the race?

- Two o'clock. Pick me up at noon? - No can do.

- Marcy and I are going to a baby shower. - What?

It's the boss's daughter's baby, Al.

- So you can't take me to the track? - No.

Get lost.

Well, enough male bonding.

I guess I'll...

...Drive over to the gas station.

I don't really need gas. I just like to drive around.

So, what are you gonna do, Al, pop a few wheelies in the living room?

Twenty-to-1, Steve! Who needs you? I'll get there myself.

Twenty-to-1, that's 500 bucks.

The family can buy a lot of nice stuff for 500 bucks.

Then again, so could I.

All right, everybody!

Announcement, announcement.

Today at 2:00, I have a horse race at Arlington.

I will be there.

The only question before us is...

...Which one of you dependents is going to take me?

Well, Al, all I have to do is go for a manicure.

They're having a special, 11 for the price of ten...

- ...But I should be back in an hour. - Kelly?

Well, two guys are fighting over me down by the train tracks today.

You know, it really wouldn't look right if I wasn't there...

...But I'll be back in plenty of time.

Good. Now, I'm going to say this slowly so that you'll both understand.

It is very important that we get to the track.

Promise me, promise me that you will be back in time.

Al, if it's important to you, we will both be here.

The horses are approaching the starting gate.

Hi, Al. I knew you were home. I saw your bike out front.

How come you're not at the track?

For the same reason I'm not out with sleazy blonds.

I'm married with children.

I wish I knew you were stuck here. We left the baby shower early.

Her water broke, and we headed for the hills.

We were by the track, so I figured, what the hell. I put $100 on that horse.

That's the biggest bet I ever made in my life.

Well, at least we can listen to it together.

I gotta tell you, I got warned off that bet.

Horse is going through some personal problems...

...Getting married or something like that.

I'll tell you what. I'm feeling kind of guilty.

I'll buy $25 of your bet out of friendship.

Lick my shoe out of friendship.

And they're off!

Is that a "no," Steve?

Bailey Boy in the lead, with Darling Kim second.

Mama's Problem third, then Satin Lover.

B Movie, Floridora, and Prince Harris. Bringing up the rear, it's Dr. Footwear.

- I'm last? - He's gonna win.

- He's last, Al. - I didn't bet on him.

Into the first turn, it's Darling Kim, Bailey Boy and Satin Lover.

Dr. Footwear is way behind.

- He's way behind. - He's gonna win.

No, he's not. Steve, give me $25 of your bet right now.

- What do you say? - O--

Here comes Dr. Footwear on the outside!

- Lick my shoe, Al. - He's making a tremendous move!

Coming into the clubhouse turn, it's Darling Kim, Satin Lover...

- ...And Dr. Footwear! - Come on, Dr. Footwear!

Trip and die, Dr. Footwear!

They're in the home stretch!

Neck and neck, it's Darling Kim and Dr. Footwear!

Dr. Footwear and Darling Kim. At the finish line, it's...

...Darling Kim by a nose!

He did it! He did it!

You lost, and I didn't!

Wait! The steward's inquiry light is on.

- He won. - Forget it, Al.

They never disqualify a horse.

No, they don't, but give me 25 bucks of the bet.

And they're taking down number eight. Darling Kim is disqualified!

And the winner, paying 2290, is...

...Dr. Footwear!

Twenty-two hundred and 90 dollars.

I just won over two grand.

Al, I love you...

...And you owe me $25.

I can't wait to tell Marcy we can invest in mutual bonds. Oh, man!

Peg, you got the greatest husband in the world.

Why? What happened to Al?

Oh, hi, honey. I'm here. Let's go to the track.

- Peg, what time is it? - Five after 2:00.

You know what time the race was?

Two, but nothing ever starts on time.

Dad, you ready to go?

Family, sit down.

What I have to say will be short and sweet.

You stink.

I left a knife fight just to hear that?

No, this too.

Right now, your daddy's a little irritated...

...Because you cost your daddy 500 frigging dollars...

...But more important than that-- Not more important, but as important...

...You've shown me how little you care.

So tomorrow, when I go to get my license--

- Who's taking you, Dad? - I'll crawl on my face.

And when I come home, your daddy is not going to give you anything.

Not a smile, no money, no food.

I won't lift a finger to help any of you...

...And I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me.

From now on, we have a new Bundy rule.

Every man for himself.

Yeah, Mom, Al passed his driving test...

...And then the instructor drove over his foot.

Yeah. Al's gonna be stuck around the house for a while.

Drive? With that foot?

Oh, you're so right, Mom. This is not gonna be easy for me.

What's that ringing? That's just Al with his bell.

Daddy, you don't need the car, do you?

- What, Al? - Honey, can you get me a beer?

Hold on, Mom. I gotta get something for Al.

What? The garden is blooming?

Tell me all about it.

Don't you know I'm sitting here in pain?

Hold on, Mom. I gotta take this upstairs.

I can't hear a thing. Al, hang this up when I get upstairs.