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Last week on Married... With Children :
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I saw one of those in college once.
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I used to jog behind her for hours.
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I ran a marathon once and didn't know it.
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The girls caught the guys ogling...
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...And figured what's good
for the gander is good for the goose.
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Peggy! This is a strip joint!
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00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,234
Oh, really? Gee, I didn't know.
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You know, I've passed by dozens
of times but I've never actually been in.
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00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,575
Oh, hi, Mrs. Bundy.
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At first, Marcy didn't think
she'd like it, but...
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It's always the quiet ones.
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00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:01,589
Peggy, I've lost my wedding ring
down Zorro's pants!
14
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:04,992
And now,
Married... With Children continues.
15
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:09,096
All right, ladies, let's hear it.
That was Zorro!
16
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:12,600
He's got my wedding ring, Peggy.
What we are gonna do?
17
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,769
Treasure hunt.
18
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,406
Hold it right there, ladies.
19
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:21,108
We've gotta get backstage.
20
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,745
Yeah. We've gotta get something
out of Zorro's pants.
21
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,215
That old story again, Mrs. Bundy?
22
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:30,518
- But this is an emergency.
- Yeah, right.
23
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,988
Look, lady, we used to let women
backstage until the big riot.
24
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:39,093
Now nobody's allowed back there.
We call it "the Bundy rule."
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00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:44,398
It's my wedding ring.
I want it back, or I'll see you in court.
26
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I don't think so. You see.
27
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:51,038
"Troy's is not responsible for
valuables lost in any part of a dancer."
28
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:54,308
Once again, the Bundy rule.
29
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,177
What are we gonna do?
30
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,548
I know. I'll write Zorro a note.
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00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:05,085
That's it. He'll read it, he'll find
my ring, bring it over tomorrow...
32
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:08,722
...Steve will answer the door, kill me...
33
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,424
No, that won't work.
34
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,893
I've got another plan.
I'll write a note...
35
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,362
...But give him your number and address.
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00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,364
That is, if you don't mind.
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00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,900
Sure. I don't mind as long
as he comes over...
38
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,736
...Before what's-his-name
gets home from work.
39
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,678
Oh, thanks, Peggy.
40
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:34,048
You really are
the very best friend I've got.
41
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:40,487
Share! Share! Share!
42
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,582
Al.
43
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:13,454
Wake up, honey. It's that time.
44
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,625
Al.
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00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:26,767
Oh, good. You're up.
46
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,670
Are you in the mood, honey?
47
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,805
Oh, no.
48
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:36,343
Oh, yes. But first...
49
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:06,407
Mom, was there a little earthquake
here last night?
50
00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:11,645
Because the walls were shaking,
and I heard Dad screaming.
51
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,849
Well, he scares easily.
52
00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,585
Well, I slept through it.
Must have been a short one.
53
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,525
Several short ones.
54
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,728
Are you ready for Grandma's, kids?
55
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,630
You got your room deodorizers?
56
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:31,365
- Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Mom.
57
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,634
Toilet seat covers?
58
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,135
- Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Mom.
59
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:37,771
Flea and tick spray?
60
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,406
- Yes, Mom.
- Yes, Mom.
61
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,542
Well, then you're ready.
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00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:46,146
- Oh, there's your taxi.
- Please, Mom. Don't do this!
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00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:49,349
Bud, honey, be strong.
64
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,486
I'll see you in a couple of days.
65
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,022
We love you, Mom...
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00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,958
...But not today.
67
00:05:58,559 --> 00:05:59,827
Oh, and, kids, remember:
68
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:04,364
When you say hello,
Grandpa is the one with the hair.
69
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,935
Any sign of Zorro?
70
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:13,107
No, but I think I slept
with Speedy Gonzalez last night.
71
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,876
Steve is gonna go crazy.
72
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,045
My wedding ring is gone forever.
73
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,647
Oh, Marcy, calm down.
74
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,117
Men don't notice things like that.
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00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:26,453
Not Steven.
He notices everything.
76
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,522
Know what we do in bed sometimes?
77
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:32,326
Yeah, Bud tells us.
78
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:40,267
Well, anyway, Steve and I lie in bed...
79
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,936
...Put our ring fingers together.
80
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:45,472
We stare at our wedding bands...
81
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:47,307
...Then kiss.
82
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:51,945
So Bud made that up
about Little Bo Peep and the cop?
83
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:58,452
Yes, he did.
84
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:03,524
Oh, what's the difference?
Steve will never pull me over again!
85
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,628
How can I tell him
I lost my wedding ring?
86
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:11,064
It is an irreplaceable symbol
of our love everlasting.
87
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,133
Buy a cheap copy.
88
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,335
Yeah.
89
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:34,121
Impossible Dream Pantyhose.
90
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:37,291
For the self-deluded.
91
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,101
How you doing?
92
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:52,339
I'm sorry, Kelly's at her grandmother's.
93
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,975
I'm looking for Marcy Rhoades.
She live here?
94
00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:59,012
Practically. Who wants to know?
95
00:07:59,213 --> 00:08:02,149
I'm Raul. You know, Zorro.
96
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:06,253
Yeah, I'm Al. You know, suspicious.
97
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,822
Al? Al Bundy?
98
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,860
You're married to Big Red,
the rich woman with the sharp nails.
99
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:17,731
- Who are you?
- Oh, I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's.
100
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,133
Gee, that's great. I'd invite you in...
101
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,337
...But instead, I think I'll
just kick the crap out of you.
102
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:28,041
Oh, then perhaps I'll just
deliver my message and run.
103
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:32,713
Your wife's friend, Mrs. Rhoades,
the one we call "The Tentacle"?
104
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:36,383
She lost her wedding ring
down my pants last night...
105
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:39,286
...And I'm just dropping it off to her.
106
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,226
Come in.
107
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,767
Raul, is it?
108
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,436
Well, actually, it's Wilbur...
109
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:59,573
...But I think I'm too good-looking
to be a Wilbur.
110
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,409
Yeah, you betcha. Listen...
111
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:06,880
...Exactly what was Marcy doing
when she lost her ring down your...
112
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:10,651
- ...Underpants, was it?
- Yes, sir. She was tipping me.
113
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,819
Could you see to it
that she gets this ring?
114
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:16,089
As you believe you're too
good-looking to be a Wilbur...
115
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,725
- ...Believe she'll get it.
- Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
116
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,494
Thank you, Raul. By the way...
117
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,797
...If my wife happens to lose
anything down your pants...
118
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:26,266
...So will you.
119
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,305
Hasta luego , Mr. Bundy.
120
00:09:31,505 --> 00:09:33,840
Right back at you.
121
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:40,480
"To our everlasting love. Steven."
122
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:44,017
Gee, I hope that's Steve.
123
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,621
- Hi, Steve.
- Hi, Al.
124
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:51,258
- Who's the guy in the black Porsche?
- Santa Claus.
125
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:54,695
Come on in.
So, Steve, how's Marcy doing?
126
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:56,496
Is she still mad at you, buddy?
127
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,066
Oh, I don't know.
She said she forgave me...
128
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:01,568
...But I could tell she was still tense.
129
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:06,440
She just sat there with her hands
in her pockets, staring at the floor.
130
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,208
I feel like dirt, Al.
131
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,511
We'll get back to that later.
132
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:14,915
But first, let me tell you
something about women.
133
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:21,455
See, women love us
to look at them like slabs of beef.
134
00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:24,091
You think they wear
those tight-fitting clothes...
135
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:29,229
...Just so some other broad can say,
"Gee, your hips look succulent"?
136
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:34,134
Some do, but they become gym
teachers, and I'm talking about women.
137
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,907
Let's face it, Steve, until they
get married, they care how they look...
138
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:45,379
...But what else do they have?
Brains? Wit? Forget it.
139
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,416
Good-looking ones know we look,
they love us to be looking...
140
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:53,153
...And God bless them,
they're carrying the rest of their sex.
141
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,525
Al, I'm an educated man.
142
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:01,094
Don't you think I know all that?
143
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:04,164
It's just that I feel so guilty.
When I look at Marcy's face...
144
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,900
...All I can see is that girl's heinie.
145
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:11,638
It's wrong, Al. I feel unworthy
of someone like Marcy.
146
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:15,075
Yeah. She is a special person.
147
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:18,979
By the way, here's her wedding ring
that she lost down some guy's jock...
148
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,915
...At a strip club last night.
149
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:30,190
Anyway, how do you like
those Bears this year?
150
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,395
Wait. What's this about Marcy
losing her wedding ring?
151
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,397
Oh, yeah, yeah, here.
152
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:42,202
Yeah, I got it from the guy whose
underpants they were wedged in.
153
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:47,340
But I wouldn't worry about it.
He's just some stripper named Zorro.
154
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:51,011
And I'm sure it was nothing. No affair
that was important or anything.
155
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,848
In fact, knowing Marcy as I do,
she probably lost it with dignity...
156
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:58,185
...Because as we all know...
157
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:02,022
...We're dirt, and she's evolved.
158
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:07,861
I can't believe it!
My wife's wedding ring!
159
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,797
Oh, Steve, if I thought
you were gonna be upset...
160
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,834
...I never would've told you.
161
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:20,907
What I'm giving you is a present.
See, that's more than a wedding ring.
162
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:26,012
What you have there is what I like
to call a get-out-of-jail-free card.
163
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,617
See, you can hold it, save it,
use it for anything.
164
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:36,022
She's got all this,
and she goes to a strip joint?
165
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:41,061
Hey, you could've knocked me over
with a feather.
166
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:44,931
Getting back to something more
important, how do we make her pay?
167
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:48,702
I got it. The next time she holds one
of those women's group meetings...
168
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,438
...Over at her house,
you stroll in, you say:
169
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,141
"Hey, eight women in the house,
and I got dirty dishes?"
170
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:57,711
Let them get mad,
and pat the ring in your pocket...
171
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,881
...Make the mark of the Z.
172
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:06,319
Al, I am going to have a Stepford wife.
173
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,021
Attaboy!
174
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,090
Do me one favour.
175
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,993
When you strip away
every ounce of humanity...
176
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,395
...Every shred of pride she has...
177
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:18,698
...Just when she's bending down
to kiss your feet...
178
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,034
...Tell her you got the ring...
179
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,570
...From Al Bundy.
180
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,915
I've done a good thing.
181
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,852
I deserve a reward.
182
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:43,657
And now, ladies, the shoe salesman!
183
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:07,407
Hi, honey.
I was just gonna tuck you in.
184
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:12,112
- Well, go ahead.
- I don't feel like it anymore.
185
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,348
Sit down, sweetie-puss.
186
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,985
Honey...
187
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:22,055
...What's Troy's?
188
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:27,661
Well, you know, it's this place
where I go with the girls...
189
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:31,398
...And we sit and swap recipes
and talk about the kids.
190
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:34,601
And put dollar bills
down guys' underpants.
191
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:37,037
Well, that too. I'm gonna turn in.
192
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:40,407
Funny thing, but the other day
I went to pay the repairman...
193
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:44,678
...And when I looked for my money,
darned if every cent wasn't gone.
194
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:48,081
Oh, those kids.
195
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,917
All right, Peg.
196
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,186
Just how much of my money
has found its way...
197
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:56,389
...Into the crotches of dancing, oily men?
198
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:02,228
How would I know, Al?
I don't count it, I just shove it in.
199
00:16:04,898 --> 00:16:09,269
Well, that's that, then.
Oh, Big Red...
200
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,005
...You know, I've been thinking.
201
00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:14,874
Remember about a month ago...
202
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,444
...One night you came back...
203
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,547
...From swapping recipes...
204
00:16:20,714 --> 00:16:23,316
...Strangely, how could I say...
205
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,519
...Horny as a toad.
206
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:33,426
That day I gave you some money
to have the brakes on my car fixed.
207
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:37,530
Do I have any brakes on my car, Peg?
208
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,736
No, Al.
209
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:48,241
And remember you told me the kids
needed money for a school project?
210
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:52,479
We don't really sponsor
a Korean family, do we, Peg?
211
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,282
No, Al.
212
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,852
And Kelly's contact lenses?
213
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:03,523
So the big frost didn't really
drive up the price of Tang?
214
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:08,194
But we still do have
the Bundy funeral plot?
215
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,599
Well, how about the kids, Peg?
216
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,834
Did they really go to your mother's house...
217
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,937
...Or do they belong to Arabs now?
218
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,642
That really hurts, Al.
219
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,677
I can't believe you don't trust me.
220
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,280
Okay, Peg. From now on,
when you go shopping...
221
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,215
...I want those receipts notarised.
222
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,052
From now on, I check eyes,
teeth, vet bills, school books...
223
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,088
And our joint checking account?
224
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,957
I want to know what bank it's in.
225
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,030
Well, in my defence, Al...
226
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:47,267
...These are superb men.
227
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,036
Don't push it, Peg.
228
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,838
Now, I'm going to bed.
229
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,974
I don't want you going
to Troy's again. From now on...
230
00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:57,377
...You and Troy's are history.
231
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,420
Good night, Al.
232
00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:17,430
- Al--
- No!
233
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:47,694
Al, your breakfast is almost ready.
234
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,267
Hey, is everybody happy?
235
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,303
Yes, yes, yes.
236
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,005
Oh, God, yes.
237
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,541
What a dad.
238
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,459
I don't want you
thinking about Troy's, either.
239
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:24,497
Yes, dear.
240
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,640
No, Marcy, I don't think
the floor is clean enough.
241
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,475
Wash it again...
242
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:38,311
...With your hair.
243
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,714
Steve, I'm home.
244
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:51,491
- Hi.
- Hi. Where you been?
245
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,192
Out shopping with Peg.
246
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,529
That's the second night in a row
you've been out with Peggy.
247
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,399
Oh, well, I guess
you're a good example for her.
248
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,102
Oh, well, I try to be.
249
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:06,806
You know, I think I've been
too hard on you these past two days.
250
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,341
Oh?
251
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,644
Yes. There's nothing wrong
with looking at another human...
252
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,513
...And appreciating their form.
253
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,582
Oh?
254
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:20,253
Yes. I mean, I was wrong to yell at you
for looking at that girl.
255
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:22,522
So you forgive me?
256
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:24,857
That's big of you.
257
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:29,762
Oh, Steven, you're the most
wonderful husband in the world.
258
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:32,298
I'm the one who should apologize to you.
259
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:35,268
There's nothing wrong
with a little physical attraction.
260
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:39,372
After all, that's what
first attracted me to you.
261
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:44,611
Well, I guess I am sort of
the whole ball of wax.
262
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:50,550
I remember the first time I saw you,
running that marathon.
263
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:57,857
Your arms were tense,
your chest was heaving.
264
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,193
There were tears in your eyes...
265
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:04,564
...But still you tried to catch
that woman in the lead.
266
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:07,266
I love you, Steve.
267
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,035
Do you forgive me?
268
00:21:09,202 --> 00:21:11,137
Of course I do.
269
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,207
Oh! This came for you.
270
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:17,243
Somebody dropped it off at Al's.
271
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,612
What is it?
272
00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:24,784
I don't know.
273
00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:27,320
It was for you.
274
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:39,832
All right!
275
00:21:50,343 --> 00:21:52,211
So, what was it?
276
00:21:52,578 --> 00:21:56,182
Coupons. From Peg.
277
00:21:56,349 --> 00:22:00,586
So I just tore them up in little bits
and flushed them down the toilet.
278
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,890
I love you, Steve.
279
00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:07,160
I love you, Marcy.
280
00:22:25,645 --> 00:22:30,316
So you lost your ring
down Zorro's pants, huh?
21584
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