Original subtitles

Well, Al, I got all the food out of the refrigerator.

Honey, it was nice of you to take Marcy's advice...

...And hire a woman to fix the refrigerator.

I wish I could hire somebody to fill it.

Dream on, Al.

Well, since someone's gonna be doing some work in the kitchen...

...I guess I'd better go upstairs and rest.

Well, I'm ready, Mr. Bundy.

Me too.

Let me just check out the wiring.

Take your time.

I'll just be looking over your...shoulder.

Look at this.

Directions on how to clean the oven.

Still in its original plastic.

That's the little woman's. I'll just go and put it up in the attic with her iron.

Excuse me. Just keep looking.

What's the emergency, Al?

It's in the kitchen.

You brought me all the way over here...

...Just to see that?

Thanks, Al.

You know, Al, this brings back memories.

I saw one of those in college once.

I used to jog behind her for hours.

I ran a marathon once and didn't even know it.

You know her name?

Yeah, but I'm calling her Heidi.

You know, Al, I feel kind of like a pig...

...Standing here, enjoying myself...

...Staring at a poor, unsuspecting woman as if she were a piece of meat.

Look, Al, she's moving.

Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

- What kind of apple, Steve? - A little red one.

You know how they are just before you pick--

You're a pig, Al.

Oh, hello, Marcy.

I gotta go back to the shop and get more tools.

Hurry back.

This is why you left the PBS pledge drive?

Well, this is something like Masterpiece Theater.

I can't believe it.

You're as bad as Al.

You're worse than Al.

He's nothing but a Neanderthal sexist, but at least he doesn't hide it.

Hide it? I got a T-shirt that says it.

I never thought I'd say this, but, Steven Rhoades...

...Under that sensitive, caring facade, you're nothing but a...

- ...A man! - That's not true.

Hi there, Marcy.

Do you know what is going on underneath your very own roof?

Well, we're rotting our lives away, but the kids seem to enjoy it.

Not that. Our husbands have been ogling the repair girl.

That's repair "woman."

Marcy, calm down.

Men will look at anything.

By the way, what are you doing tonight?

I don't know. We were going to go to a fundraiser for my women's group.

But since I think he'd be spending the evening...

...Looking up the toastmaster's dress...

- ...I guess I'm free tonight. - Was it gonna be formal?

You know, a bunch of 300-pound women in crew cuts and flannel shirts?

Well, actually, some wear tweed.

Keep it up, Steven.

Just slide down that evolutionary scale.

Yes, Peg, I'm free tonight.

- What did you have in mind? - Come over tonight.

Some neighborhood girls are dropping by.

That sounds like fun. I'll bring a cake.

If there's a cake, watch your fingers setting it out.

One of the girls has been known to debone a chicken...

...From across the room.

It wasn't from across the room, Al.

I'll be here.

Steve, I'm going home now.

You? You can put a little mirror on your shoes...

...And go downtown for secretary lunchtime.

Marce, come on. So I stared at a heinie.

Does that make me a bad guy?

So, Al...

- You were staring at that girl too, huh? - Yeah.

I bet she had great legs.

Yeah.

- Good breasts? - Oh, yeah.

- You want to go upstairs? - Yeah.

Wait a minute. With you?

Oh, yeah.

Isn't there any more cake?

Sorry about your finger, Marcy.

That's okay. It's only a flesh wound.

I can't believe your husbands were staring at that poor girl.

You know, because of men like that, I don't even wear shorts anymore.

You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the harpoons?

Must he be here?

We had sex today.

That must be the beef people.

Is that the other pig?

It is.

Don't challenge them, Steve.

I've seen them send stronger men than you screaming to their graves.

Anyway, Marce, I brought you flowers.

Gee, Al, how come you never bring me flowers?

We had sex today.

Well, I know, but something I could enjoy would be nice.

I'll remember that next month when you come begging.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Marcy, can I talk to you for a second? - Steve, please.

I'm talking with my new friends.

Marcy, he's undressing me with his eyes.

Madam, that would take years.

Well, I'm tired of sitting around the house. I do that all day long.

Why don't we go out tonight?

Someplace fun.

Okay, girls, I've got it.

Let's go to Troy's.

That's a good idea. I've been there.

That sounds like fun. What's Troy's?

Peggy, this is a strip joint.

Really? Gee, I didn't know.

You know, I've passed by dozens of times...

...But I've never actually been in.

Hi, Mrs. Bundy.

Hey, Mrs. Bundy, what's going on?

How you doing, Big Red?

Okay, so I've been here once.

Usual table, Mrs. Bundy?

But I tipped well.

I can't believe we're actually here.

Does Al approve of you coming to places like this?

He's got mixed feelings.

Actually, he doesn't know.

Good evening, ladies. Mrs. Bundy.

- Can I get you anything? - Yes. We'll have five of the usual.

Five strawberry Fanny-Bangers coming right up.

Peggy, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here.

That's okay, Marcy. It always takes me a while to warm up too.

Gangway!

Look at it, Steve.

It's like two rhinos gently playing under a tarp.

Well, I don't know who worked on this baby before me...

...But they sure didn't know what they were doing.

She knew what she was doing, all right.

Goes to show you, you want something fixed right, hire an ugly man.

You have my utmost confidence.

You know, Steve, 16 years ago, Peg's father came to me and said:

"Here, take it. From me to you, it's yours. It's hardly been used."

I should have known something was up.

Come to think of it, he sold me that refrigerator too.

- Where do you think the girls went, Al? - To a nice place. Away.

She's never walked out without letting me explain.

- What were you going to explain? - It's simple. I was going to explain...

...That while it might have appeared we were looking at that girl's rear end...

...So admirably hoisted in the air before us...

...What I was actually doing was looking with admiration...

...As I pondered how far women have come in the last 100...

...Nay, 50 years.

Yeah, but she did have a nice one, huh?

You betcha.

But I still feel like a hypocrite. I give money to women's causes.

Look, it's good for women to be gone when they're mad at you.

It's good for women to be gone, but especially when they're mad at you.

Because they go out, they see what's available: those fat, bald little twerps...

...That don't know how lucky they are they can't get a woman...

...And they crawl back to you, thankful...

...Knowing that there's no way they can do better than us. Let's face it...

...You don't go fishing for minnows when you've got Moby Dick at home.

All that knowledge, and you sell shoes.

Michelangelo was just a painter, but he did other stuff too.

Well, Al, this may come as a shock to you...

...But I love my wife. I like being with her.

I'm not happy when she's mad at me.

So I'm gonna find out where Troy's is, and I'm gonna go and apologize.

Hey, Hot Tub Girls is on.

I don't care, Al. I'm gonna go apologize.

See, Al, it's time you joined the 20th century.

Appreciate women for what they have up here, not for-- They're huge.

What are you doing?

- Hi, Bud. - Hi, Dad.

- I want to talk to you about something. - Put a fire under it.

Daddy's trying to help Steve.

It's about me and Kelly having to go to Grandma's.

What about it?

Why are we being punished?

Why am I? Why are any of us?

Are we done, Bud?

No, Dad. Look, Grandma's real nice and all...

...But that said, she smells.

And she makes me dance with her.

Bud, do what I do. Ride on her feet.

Please, Dad, send Kelly.

She's used to dancing with smelly old people for money.

Let me tell you about grandparents.

They're your roots and your heritage.

And they won't be around forever. But they do own some lakefront property.

You get my drift, son?

- Thanks, Dad. - You're welcome.

So that's what they mean by quality time.

No, Steve. This is.

Mr. Bundy, can I use your bathroom?

No.

Well, then, I'm just about done then.

- Did I just hear a car pull up? - Steve, what's wrong with you?

You must be the only guy in America who wants his wife to come home.

Many's a night I sit here, looking across at my wife...

...As she's sitting there, like you are...

...And I look at her, and I think, "Go home."

Then the horror hits me because it dawns on me...

...She is home.

Now look what you've done. You've depressed me.

- Daddy. - It's like they know. What is it, honey?

- Bud said only I'm going to Grandma's. - No, you're both going.

Come on, Dad. It's just a waste of my time.

She can't even tell us apart anyhow.

She's always telling Bud what a fine woman he's growing into.

And then she sends me out to chop wood.

They want to see you. If you don't go, they'll come here.

We can't afford to reglaze the bathtub.

Go on upstairs and pack.

Fine. But Bud can help her cross her legs...

...Because I want to have children someday.

Al, you've got a...lovely daughter. Let me ask you this:

When she grows up...

...Don't you want her to be appreciated for more than just her physical beauty?

Well, let's see, Steve, how can I answer that? Well, let's see.

Kelly, honey, come on down here a second.

Come here, sweetheart. I want you to tell Uncle Steve...

...What your guidance counsellor said, what career you'd be best suited for.

Lumber camp toy or the other woman.

Thank you, sweetheart. You were saying, Steve?

Well, Mr. Bundy, she's working.

No, she's not. She's out with the girls.

- How much do I owe you? - Eighty bucks.

Eighty dollars to fix a big, hulking thing that won't work...

...And $20 to marry one.

Wait a second. If this is where I hide my money...

...Where did my money go?

They keep it awfully hot in here, don't they?

Peggy, you just put a dollar bill down that man's pants. Why?

Because my checkbook makes him walk funny.

How long are we gonna be here?

Not long. Just long enough to spend this.

That was our construction worker.

He's got a tool for every occasion.

I think I should be going.

And now, ladies, let's give a big Troy's welcome for our Latin lover:

El Zorro!

Hola, muchacho.

Marcy, tip him.

- Go on. Tip him. - Take all of it.

I'm not putting money down a man's pants.

It's dirty. It's immoral. It's degrading.

Dollars. Dollars.

Give me more dollars.

Marcy, calm down.

Zorro doesn't come back unless you give him dollars.

Hey, Zorro.

Bump it back this way, honey.

Thattaboy.

It's always the quiet ones.

My wedding ring. It's gone.

Peggy, I've lost my wedding ring down Zorro's pants!