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1
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:25,019
Well, Al, I got all the food
out of the refrigerator.
2
00:01:25,820 --> 00:01:28,556
Honey, it was nice of you
to take Marcy's advice...
3
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:31,659
...And hire a woman
to fix the refrigerator.
4
00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:35,029
I wish I could hire somebody to fill it.
5
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:37,731
Dream on, Al.
6
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:41,268
Well, since someone's gonna be
doing some work in the kitchen...
7
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,971
...I guess I'd better go upstairs
and rest.
8
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,585
Well, I'm ready, Mr. Bundy.
9
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,587
Me too.
10
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,960
Let me just check out the wiring.
11
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,295
Take your time.
12
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:14,668
I'll just be looking
over your...shoulder.
13
00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:17,438
Look at this.
14
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,773
Directions on how to clean the oven.
15
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,110
Still in its original plastic.
16
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:28,949
That's the little woman's. I'll just go
and put it up in the attic with her iron.
17
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:34,321
Excuse me. Just keep looking.
18
00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:38,526
What's the emergency, Al?
19
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,628
It's in the kitchen.
20
00:02:48,102 --> 00:02:50,671
You brought me
all the way over here...
21
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,107
...Just to see that?
22
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,943
Thanks, Al.
23
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,981
You know, Al,
this brings back memories.
24
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:05,019
I saw one of those in college once.
25
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,188
I used to jog behind her for hours.
26
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,425
I ran a marathon once
and didn't even know it.
27
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,895
You know her name?
28
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:18,198
Yeah, but I'm calling her Heidi.
29
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:23,103
You know, Al,
I feel kind of like a pig...
30
00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:25,506
...Standing here, enjoying myself...
31
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:29,877
...Staring at a poor, unsuspecting
woman as if she were a piece of meat.
32
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,581
Look, Al, she's moving.
33
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:40,254
Yeah, looks like two little kittens
playing gently under some denim.
34
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:49,196
I think it looks
more like an apple, Al.
35
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:54,168
- What kind of apple, Steve?
- A little red one.
36
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,773
You know how they are
just before you pick--
37
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,412
You're a pig, Al.
38
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,147
Oh, hello, Marcy.
39
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,750
I gotta go back to the shop
and get more tools.
40
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,819
Hurry back.
41
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,824
This is why you left
the PBS pledge drive?
42
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:22,596
Well, this is something like
Masterpiece Theater.
43
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,765
I can't believe it.
44
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,834
You're as bad as Al.
45
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,535
You're worse than Al.
46
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:32,673
He's nothing but a Neanderthal sexist,
but at least he doesn't hide it.
47
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:36,243
Hide it?
I got a T-shirt that says it.
48
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:41,081
I never thought I'd say this,
but, Steven Rhoades...
49
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:44,985
...Under that sensitive, caring facade,
you're nothing but a...
50
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,688
- ...A man!
- That's not true.
51
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,693
Hi there, Marcy.
52
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,063
Do you know what is going on
underneath your very own roof?
53
00:04:56,230 --> 00:05:01,502
Well, we're rotting our lives away,
but the kids seem to enjoy it.
54
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:06,373
Not that. Our husbands have been
ogling the repair girl.
55
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:07,841
That's repair "woman."
56
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,711
Marcy, calm down.
57
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:13,981
Men will look at anything.
58
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,224
By the way,
what are you doing tonight?
59
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:28,829
I don't know. We were going to go
to a fundraiser for my women's group.
60
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,832
But since I think he'd be
spending the evening...
61
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,334
...Looking up the toastmaster's dress...
62
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,905
- ...I guess I'm free tonight.
- Was it gonna be formal?
63
00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:42,009
You know, a bunch of 300-pound
women in crew cuts and flannel shirts?
64
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,912
Well, actually, some wear tweed.
65
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:46,747
Keep it up, Steven.
66
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:51,351
Just slide down
that evolutionary scale.
67
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:53,754
Yes, Peg, I'm free tonight.
68
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:56,557
- What did you have in mind?
- Come over tonight.
69
00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:58,792
Some neighborhood girls
are dropping by.
70
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,095
That sounds like fun.
I'll bring a cake.
71
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:04,131
If there's a cake,
watch your fingers setting it out.
72
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,734
One of the girls has been known to
debone a chicken...
73
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,836
...From across the room.
74
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:13,574
It wasn't from across the room, Al.
75
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,676
I'll be here.
76
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:18,779
Steve, I'm going home now.
77
00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:22,449
You? You can put a little mirror
on your shoes...
78
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:26,120
...And go downtown
for secretary lunchtime.
79
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,656
Marce, come on.
So I stared at a heinie.
80
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,825
Does that make me a bad guy?
81
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,895
So, Al...
82
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,866
- You were staring at that girl too, huh?
- Yeah.
83
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,069
I bet she had great legs.
84
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,771
Yeah.
85
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,840
- Good breasts?
- Oh, yeah.
86
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:50,144
- You want to go upstairs?
- Yeah.
87
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,682
Wait a minute. With you?
88
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,287
Oh, yeah.
89
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,897
Isn't there any more cake?
90
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:14,434
Sorry about your finger, Marcy.
91
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:18,906
That's okay. It's only a flesh wound.
92
00:07:19,173 --> 00:07:23,277
I can't believe your husbands
were staring at that poor girl.
93
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:28,916
You know, because of men like that,
I don't even wear shorts anymore.
94
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,921
You sure it wasn't because of
the guys with the harpoons?
95
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:40,327
Must he be here?
96
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,529
We had sex today.
97
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,736
That must be the beef people.
98
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,709
Is that the other pig?
99
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,444
It is.
100
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,547
Don't challenge them, Steve.
101
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:04,618
I've seen them send stronger men
than you screaming to their graves.
102
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,922
Anyway, Marce, I brought you flowers.
103
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:12,526
Gee, Al, how come you never
bring me flowers?
104
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,661
We had sex today.
105
00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:21,101
Well, I know, but something
I could enjoy would be nice.
106
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:25,672
I'll remember that next month
when you come begging.
107
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:29,042
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
108
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:34,715
- Marcy, can I talk to you for a second?
- Steve, please.
109
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,751
I'm talking with my new friends.
110
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:42,356
Marcy, he's undressing me
with his eyes.
111
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,260
Madam, that would take years.
112
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:53,700
Well, I'm tired of sitting around
the house. I do that all day long.
113
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,535
Why don't we go out tonight?
114
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,971
Someplace fun.
115
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,207
Okay, girls, I've got it.
116
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:03,343
Let's go to Troy's.
117
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,346
That's a good idea.
I've been there.
118
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,951
That sounds like fun. What's Troy's?
119
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,388
Peggy, this is a strip joint.
120
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:51,024
Really? Gee, I didn't know.
121
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,427
You know, I've passed by
dozens of times...
122
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,729
...But I've never actually been in.
123
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,398
Hi, Mrs. Bundy.
124
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:03,036
Hey, Mrs. Bundy, what's going on?
125
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,872
How you doing, Big Red?
126
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:09,276
Okay, so I've been here once.
127
00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:11,411
Usual table, Mrs. Bundy?
128
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:14,014
But I tipped well.
129
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,466
I can't believe we're actually here.
130
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,202
Does Al approve of you
coming to places like this?
131
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,237
He's got mixed feelings.
132
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,474
Actually, he doesn't know.
133
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,243
Good evening, ladies. Mrs. Bundy.
134
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:47,114
- Can I get you anything?
- Yes. We'll have five of the usual.
135
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,983
Five strawberry Fanny-Bangers
coming right up.
136
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,429
Peggy, I'm feeling
a little uncomfortable here.
137
00:11:02,596 --> 00:11:05,966
That's okay, Marcy. It always
takes me a while to warm up too.
138
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,935
Gangway!
139
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,253
Look at it, Steve.
140
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:37,764
It's like two rhinos gently playing
under a tarp.
141
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:42,502
Well, I don't know who worked on
this baby before me...
142
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:45,305
...But they sure didn't know
what they were doing.
143
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:49,076
She knew what
she was doing, all right.
144
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:54,147
Goes to show you, you want something
fixed right, hire an ugly man.
145
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,184
You have my utmost confidence.
146
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:01,588
You know, Steve, 16 years ago,
Peg's father came to me and said:
147
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:05,892
"Here, take it. From me to you,
it's yours. It's hardly been used."
148
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,961
I should have known
something was up.
149
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,498
Come to think of it,
he sold me that refrigerator too.
150
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:17,404
- Where do you think the girls went, Al?
- To a nice place. Away.
151
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:21,441
She's never walked out
without letting me explain.
152
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:25,378
- What were you going to explain?
- It's simple. I was going to explain...
153
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:30,550
...That while it might have appeared we
were looking at that girl's rear end...
154
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:35,722
...So admirably hoisted
in the air before us...
155
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,459
...What I was actually doing
was looking with admiration...
156
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:43,597
...As I pondered how far women
have come in the last 100...
157
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,166
...Nay, 50 years.
158
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,636
Yeah, but she did have
a nice one, huh?
159
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,439
You betcha.
160
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:57,010
But I still feel like a hypocrite.
I give money to women's causes.
161
00:12:57,344 --> 00:13:00,580
Look, it's good for women
to be gone when they're mad at you.
162
00:13:00,747 --> 00:13:04,417
It's good for women to be gone,
but especially when they're mad at you.
163
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:08,855
Because they go out, they see what's
available: those fat, bald little twerps...
164
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:12,292
...That don't know how lucky they are
they can't get a woman...
165
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,694
...And they crawl back to you,
thankful...
166
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:19,032
...Knowing that there's no way they
can do better than us. Let's face it...
167
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:24,571
...You don't go fishing for minnows
when you've got Moby Dick at home.
168
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:35,749
All that knowledge, and you sell shoes.
169
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:40,453
Michelangelo was just a painter,
but he did other stuff too.
170
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:46,660
Well, Al, this may come
as a shock to you...
171
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,462
...But I love my wife.
I like being with her.
172
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,731
I'm not happy
when she's mad at me.
173
00:13:51,898 --> 00:13:57,604
So I'm gonna find out where Troy's is,
and I'm gonna go and apologize.
174
00:13:57,771 --> 00:14:00,640
Hey, Hot Tub Girls is on.
175
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:05,679
I don't care, Al.
I'm gonna go apologize.
176
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:13,687
See, Al, it's time you joined
the 20th century.
177
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:19,226
Appreciate women for what they have
up here, not for-- They're huge.
178
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:26,933
What are you doing?
179
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,236
- Hi, Bud.
- Hi, Dad.
180
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,939
- I want to talk to you about something.
- Put a fire under it.
181
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,408
Daddy's trying to help Steve.
182
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,779
It's about me and Kelly
having to go to Grandma's.
183
00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,248
What about it?
184
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,817
Why are we being punished?
185
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:48,288
Why am I?
Why are any of us?
186
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,423
Are we done, Bud?
187
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:55,528
No, Dad.
Look, Grandma's real nice and all...
188
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:58,932
...But that said, she smells.
189
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,436
And she makes me dance with her.
190
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:07,340
Bud, do what I do.
Ride on her feet.
191
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,110
Please, Dad, send Kelly.
192
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:13,680
She's used to dancing
with smelly old people for money.
193
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,383
Let me tell you about grandparents.
194
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,485
They're your roots and your heritage.
195
00:15:18,652 --> 00:15:24,557
And they won't be around forever. But
they do own some lakefront property.
196
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:26,726
You get my drift, son?
197
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,763
- Thanks, Dad.
- You're welcome.
198
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:34,901
So that's what they mean
by quality time.
199
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,337
No, Steve. This is.
200
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,740
Mr. Bundy, can I use your bathroom?
201
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:46,780
No.
202
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,151
Well, then, I'm just about done then.
203
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:56,056
- Did I just hear a car pull up?
- Steve, what's wrong with you?
204
00:15:56,222 --> 00:16:00,393
You must be the only guy in America
who wants his wife to come home.
205
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:04,130
Many's a night I sit here,
looking across at my wife...
206
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,566
...As she's sitting there, like you are...
207
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:10,603
...And I look at her,
and I think, "Go home."
208
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:18,078
Then the horror hits me
because it dawns on me...
209
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,380
...She is home.
210
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,918
Now look what you've done.
You've depressed me.
211
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:32,659
- Daddy.
- It's like they know. What is it, honey?
212
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:36,696
- Bud said only I'm going to Grandma's.
- No, you're both going.
213
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:39,866
Come on, Dad.
It's just a waste of my time.
214
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:43,169
She can't even tell us apart anyhow.
215
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:47,707
She's always telling Bud
what a fine woman he's growing into.
216
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:51,044
And then she sends me out
to chop wood.
217
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,447
They want to see you. If you don't go,
they'll come here.
218
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,417
We can't afford to reglaze the bathtub.
219
00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,786
Go on upstairs and pack.
220
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,188
Fine. But Bud can help her
cross her legs...
221
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,959
...Because I want
to have children someday.
222
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:16,503
Al, you've got a...lovely daughter.
Let me ask you this:
223
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,471
When she grows up...
224
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:23,143
...Don't you want her to be appreciated
for more than just her physical beauty?
225
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:27,347
Well, let's see, Steve,
how can I answer that? Well, let's see.
226
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:30,683
Kelly, honey,
come on down here a second.
227
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,020
Come here, sweetheart.
I want you to tell Uncle Steve...
228
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:38,925
...What your guidance counsellor said,
what career you'd be best suited for.
229
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:42,128
Lumber camp toy or the other woman.
230
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:52,705
Thank you, sweetheart.
You were saying, Steve?
231
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,075
Well, Mr. Bundy, she's working.
232
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:59,279
No, she's not. She's out with the girls.
233
00:18:00,146 --> 00:18:02,282
- How much do I owe you?
- Eighty bucks.
234
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:05,285
Eighty dollars to fix a big,
hulking thing that won't work...
235
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,920
...And $20 to marry one.
236
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:13,460
Wait a second.
If this is where I hide my money...
237
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,563
...Where did my money go?
238
00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,361
They keep it awfully hot in here,
don't they?
239
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:52,198
Peggy, you just put a dollar bill
down that man's pants. Why?
240
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:55,602
Because my checkbook
makes him walk funny.
241
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,074
How long are we gonna be here?
242
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:06,012
Not long.
Just long enough to spend this.
243
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,406
That was our construction worker.
244
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:36,643
He's got a tool for every occasion.
245
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,481
I think I should be going.
246
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:45,785
And now, ladies, let's give a big
Troy's welcome for our Latin lover:
247
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,721
El Zorro!
248
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,592
Hola, muchacho.
249
00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:00,059
Marcy, tip him.
250
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:03,229
- Go on. Tip him.
- Take all of it.
251
00:21:03,396 --> 00:21:06,032
I'm not putting money
down a man's pants.
252
00:21:06,199 --> 00:21:11,104
It's dirty. It's immoral.
It's degrading.
253
00:21:14,007 --> 00:21:15,642
Dollars. Dollars.
254
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:17,343
Give me more dollars.
255
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,112
Marcy, calm down.
256
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,749
Zorro doesn't come back
unless you give him dollars.
257
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,221
Hey, Zorro.
258
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:31,824
Bump it back this way, honey.
259
00:21:32,425 --> 00:21:35,294
Thattaboy.
260
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,582
It's always the quiet ones.
261
00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:24,510
My wedding ring. It's gone.
262
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:28,314
Peggy, I've lost my wedding ring
down Zorro's pants!
20756
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