Original subtitles

Harold! This place stinks.

I don't know why you took me here.

The air conditioner isn't working, the room service is terrible...

...And will you listen to that radio.

This place is a disgrace!

It's a disgrace.

And what about the towels?

I asked for towels.

How come they don't have towels in this place?

This place is a disgrace!

It's a disgrace.

Finally.

Come in.

A disgrace.

Where are the towels?

I don't see any towels.

What is that behind your back?

What?

Okay, it's vacation time.

Peg, kids, we're going to Poppy's By The Tree...

...In picturesque Dumpwater, Florida.

Let's see some excitement.

- Well, I guess it's up to me. Dad? - Yes, Bud?

I thought we all voted on Hawaii.

That was just a vote, Bud. Didn't mean anything.

Al, honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation.

Some place where we don't look out our windows...

...And see chain gangs working.

Come on, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there.

This year I found something really special.

Look at this brochure, Peg.

This place has everything Hawaii has.

It's got sunshine, a palm tree...

...Quicksand.

But the best part is, it's in the United States.

So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad.

Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?

Al, we all appreciate your efforts at finding...

...The cheapest places in America.

- But Dumpwater, Florida? - You'll judge a place by its name?

If we did that, we never would have experienced Six Toe, Arkansas.

Remember that soup, kids?

And don't forget those underground fires.

Dumpwater's gonna make Six Toe look sick.

And the best part is, it's only eight dollars a night.

See, that'll give us plenty of extra money to...

Well, let's see.

I don't know, but it'll leave us plenty of money.

My decision is made.

Now, if people don't wanna go to Poppy's...

...We can use that money to buy one of those soft toilet seats...

...And make every day a vacation.

- Poppy's. - Poppy's.

Well, kids, it is near a nice tree.

You betcha, Peg.

And the best part is, we're taking the family car.

You betcha. And that way, we get to see all the sights.

You mean like the house that defies gravity?

That's our first stop.

That was supposed to be a surprise for the kids. You didn't hear that.

Yeah, we did, Dad.

Actually, Dad, can we listen to the oldies station all the way down?

- Please? - We can.

Do we get to stop at Howard Johnson's for Pez?

We do.

All the way through speed-trap country, do I get to pretend I'm in labor?

You do.

Now, kids, go upstairs, lay out all the clothes you want to take...

...And keep this in mind:

The first Howard Johnson's, the Pez is on Dad.

That must be Robin Leach.

Can I get some help here?

Well, here it is. But please be very careful with our luggage.

We just got it.

- We'll treat it as if it were our own. - Then I can't let you have it.

Hey, she brought the camera.

Now, Steve loves this camera. Please be very careful with it.

Hi, guys.

I was cleaning out the garage and I found our luggage.

It's not the greatest, but it's all we've got.

Someday we'll get some good luggage, but right now, it'll have to do.

And you're more than welcome to it.

Now, here's our camera.

It's not much, but it's all we've got.

You're more than welcome to--

Marcie, that's our good luggage.

You gave them our good luggage?

Smile!

God, I hate them.

So where are you headed?

Well, where's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

- Greece? - That's right.

- We're going to Dumpwater, Florida. - U.S. of A.

Dad, our clothes are all ready for Stinkwater.

That's Dumpwater, kids.

Come here. Peg, you too.

Now, I know this is not your first choice for a vacation.

- Does it show, Dad? - Shut up, Bud.

I'm trying to explain something important to all of you.

We're poor, so we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

But let's look at the positive side.

It's a week where you don't have to go to school.

It's a week where I don't have to go to work. And, Peg...

Well, every day's a vacation to you, so what am I talking to you for?

Now, let's see some smiles, because tomorrow...

...The memories begin.

Who wants Pez?

Leave us alone.

Well, there it is. The biggest sinkhole in the South.

We're really seeing America now, eh, kids?

What's wrong with you people?

Everybody!

- Leave us alone. - Leave us alone.

Yes, officer, I'm due to give birth any minute.

No, an escort to the hospital won't be necessary, officer.

We want our child to be born in Florida.

Dumpwater, Florida.

Where are the kids?

Hot.

- Hot. - Hot.

Who you think is gonna get killed this time?

We're here!

Let the good times roll!

Looks better than the brochure, doesn't it?

Hey, Jethro, you wanna get a picture of me and the family?

Yeah, they'll be wanting one for the paper.

Just say "gator bait."

Ah, smell that air.

I'll open the window, sir.

Excuse me, sir. In your brochure, it said that you had a TV.

Yes, ma'am, but not in the rooms.

We meant the town has one.

Gee, Al, no TV.

I guess that means we'll just have to entertain ourselves at night.

Well, who has it, and how far is it?

Where do we sleep, out behind the still?

She must've been mighty scared once...

...For her hair to turn white at such a young age.

Right through this door.

Hey, I asked for the twin beds!

Dad, I don't think these are exact twins. One has a lawnmower on it.

Well, enjoy your stay, folks.

And remember our motto:

"If we don't have it, you should have brought it with you."

And remember our motto: "We don't have it."

Well, kids, what do you think?

I think that if I can get a rope over that beam, that I can hang myself.

I'll help you find one.

- What's the matter with everybody? - We're all mad at you, Al.

- We wanted to go to Hawaii. - What's so great about Hawaii?

I mean, the sun shines down here too.

But look what it lights up.

It's just different. It's...

It's eight dollars a night, Peg. Couldn't you learn to like it?

Well, okay, I'll try.

But you got to admit, there is something weird about this place.

I mean, the people, the way they look at you...

...Like you're dinner.

That's ridiculous, Peg. There's nobody looking at us.

I tell you, this place is fine.

Your problem is you're a city girl.

You don't know how to unwind.

Or keep house, or get a job, or bring any money home.

Now...

Let's look at our complimentary Dumpwater Floridian ...

...And see what the town has to offer.

Where's the entertainment section?

Page two.

Here we go. Okay.

Oh, look. There's a two-headed pickled goat down by the courthouse.

Oh, Al, let's do something we can't do at home.

Fine. How about looking for a good meal?

Let's not argue.

As pathetic as it is, you are my husband...

...And this is our vacation.

That's the spirit, Peg.

Look here.

Tonight at the high school. "Meet the man who met Andy Griffith."

Are you that jaded, Peg?

Hi. I brought you some towels and some T.P.

Didn't you see the "Do Not Disturb" sign?

Oh, we just put that out as a nicety.

I mean, nobody here's gonna disturb you.

I'll just put the T.P. in the B.R.

No, no. Not over there.

Could you put it down over there?

You look like a nice couple.

Oh, you too.

I picked this towel special for you.

Don't tell anybody that I gave it to you.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Gee, I don't know. Al, you want her to bend over again?

You know, to pick up your tongue or anything?

Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Let me get the door for you.

Your husband really is sweet.

That must be why the flies love him.

Don't you forget to use that special towel, now.

She's out the door, Al.

Gee, this is nice here. Let's move here.

Well, you just keep pulling in those big bucks...

...And in a hundred years, maybe we can afford a shack just like this.

You're jealous because you don't have a special towel.

Why don't you take a shower and wash off that special odor.

I don't know what's so special about this towel.

We'll steal it anyway.

"3 a.m."

"3 a.m." Damn, I had three a.m. last time.

Hell, we always find the bodies before three a.m.

Here's my dollar.

All right! Midnight.

Hey, Becky.

You want in? Still a couple of times left in the lottery.

No. I think it's terrible, you betting on what time...

...That poor obnoxious family's gonna get chopped into little, bitty pieces.

And for what, $20?

It's up to 25.

I'm in.

- Put it in there. Show us what you got. - Show it to us.

It's the young'uns.

That poor little white-haired girl.

You'd think she'd throw some dye on it.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Is there any actual food here...

...Or do I just stand by a bug light with my mouth open?

Hey, even bumpkins have feelings, Kell.

- What do you want? - A bus ticket and a real family.

But for now, I'll settle for a couple of burgers.

Two burgers, Beanie!

How about you?

- Is he the cook? - Yep.

I'll have a Coke.

Unopened.

Well, Bud, here we are...

...Another great Bundy vacation.

You know, other kids, they get to go to Europe or Hawaii.

No. We get to go to Hee Haw .

There's not another human being for mile--

Hello. See you in a week.

Where are you going?

To get buns for my burger.

Hey, Kell, Mom and Dad said not to wander off without them.

Mom will understand.

Thanks, Kell. That's real nice.

Leave me with the tree people.

Your drink's ready.

I'm going to go axe the burgers now.

Why? There won't be any screaming, will there?

To Dixie!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

I wasn't scared.

It was a reflex action from the war.

Sit down.

So you don't smell like everybody else around here.

Well, thank you. They say you're from Chicago.

Yep, Chicago. Chi-town. The Windy City.

My kind of town.

Must be exciting.

Well, it is for me. I'm a cop.

Bundy. Bud Bundy. Chicago vice.

- Really? - I'm also a millionaire.

- See, I made my money-- - There he is.

Oh, Bud, did you take your milk of magnesia?

He didn't.

Bud, how do you expect to get rid of that constipation...

...If you won't take your laxatives?

- Bud, you made a little friend, huh? - Yeah, you can help.

You got any pictures of me on the potty you'd like to show her?

Well, excuse us, Mr. Sensitive.

Have you seen your sister?

No, thank you. I don't drink.

Mom, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here.

What's going on?

Well, we were gonna go for a walk, but we heard on the radio it might rain.

Hey, goob. That radio upstairs stinks.

I'm paying eight dollars American. Get a guy out of the pigpen...

...Let's get that thing working.

Hey, who wants some down-home cooking?

Hey, Elmo, vittles for the family.

Al. Honey, maybe you should be a little nicer to these people.

- I don't think they like us. - Peg, I get yelled at all year long.

This is my money and my vacation. It's my turn to be the customer.

- But, Al, it's obnoxious. - So what?

What are they gonna do, kill us?

You know, I have to admit, Al, you were right.

Treat people like scum, and they just can't do enough for you.

I mean, everybody was so friendly to us.

It was as if tonight were our last night on Earth.

- Starting to like it here, aren't you? - Yeah.

Can we go down to the high school tomorrow...

...And meet the man who met Andy Griffith?

Since when do you like Andy Griffith?

Since Gloria wants to go.

Bud's in love.

- I am not. - He's blushing, Mom.

She's pregnant, Dad.

Am not!

Well, then I guess it's just your beer belly.

Now, kids, we can do this at home.

Go to bed, and then we'll decide what to do tomorrow.

Oh, Al, our kids are really growing up fast.

Soon they won't need us for anything.

How soon, Peg?

Not soon enough.

You know, honey, it really is kind of romantic here...

...With the rain beating against the window.

The wind whistling through the trees.

- Comfortable, Al? - Does it matter, Peg?

- Not really. - Aw, Peg...

...This was supposed to be my vacation.

Get to work, Al.

All right, get my Dramamine.