Original subtitles

If you need me in Seoul,

I'll be with General Kent at I-Corps in the morning

and at headquarters in the afternoon.

No, sir. You'll be at Headquarters

in the morning with General Kent

and I-Corps in the afternoon.

-Like I said. -Cabbie,

Radio City Music Hall, and step on it.

There's an extra 5 in it for you

if we get there in time for the Rockettes.

-Sorry, I'm off duty. -Where you staying, Colonel?

-Officers' quarters. -Big mistake.

That's only a one-star hotel.

Enemy P.O.W. camps get two stars.

The place you want is Uncle Chang's Changri-La Hotel.

What's so good about it, besides the name?

The bellboys are all girls.

They don't carry your bags, but they take off their shoes

and walk barefoot through your back.

Oh, wow. Wouldn't that be something, sir?

To have a real beautiful bellhop with naked feet

-and he-- I mean, she-- -POTTER: Steady, Radar.

Yes, sir. Want me to change your reservations?

No.

That's the last time I arrange a tour for you.

Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you

how the chambermaids wake you up in thr morning.

Have a nice, boring trip.

Sir, are you gonna be back

in time for the Derby Day party?

Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away.

With Hawkeye and B.J. giving it,

it oughta be a real wingding.

Everybody's gotta show up in jockey shorts.

Change that to nobody. Got it?

-Not even the nurses, sir? -Not even.

So hold your lower lip still. It's quivering.

This is Class "A" number-one hooch, Waldo,

but it's way too smooth.

I'm used to putting my fist through the wall

to help get it down.

Oh, boy, it's good to see ya, Sherm.

You're looking great.

That's the fourth "good to see ya"

and the second "looking great" since I walked in here.

What's on your mind, Waldo?

Sherm, you and I have been friends for a long time.

-Here it comes. -I've heard a lot of talk about you--

negative talk about you and the 4077th.

What is it this time?

Somebody forgot to wear their dress gloves in surgery?

This is different, Sherm.

Lack of leadership. Lapses of discipline.

Bypassing regulations.

Apparently, some of your people aren't too happy with you.

What do you mean, my people?

The beefs are coming from inside your unit.

I can't believe that.

Sherm, would I have brought you up here

if I thought it was the usual latrine scuttlebutt?

My own people?

It happens.

But, Sherm, if this sort of thing keeps up,

the Spam could hit the fan.

I don't understand it.

Sherm, you have one year to retirement.

Now, let's make it an easy one.

I can transfer you to any stateside post you want.

You name it.

And you don't know who's sending these reports?

All I know is it's an inside job.

What difference does it make?

What difference?

4077th is not just a roster of people.

It's my family.

Up until now, my loyal family.

Yep, this sure is first-class hooch, all right.

You got any rotgut?

MAN : Attention, all personnel.

Decorative bunting is needed

for tonight's Kentucky Derby party.

All those hoarding toilet paper are asked

to please give from the heart.

-Hi, y'all and everyone else. -Hi, Hawkeye.

Mornin', Beauregard. How's the mint julep comin'?

A regular Louisville Slugger. Taste it yourself.

-Needs more julep. -Uh-huh.

By the by, what are you using for mint?

-Green cough medicine. -Mmm.

Antiseptic and antebellum.

Major, I refuse to put lime icing

on a chocolate cake.

That's the whole theme of the party: Derby Day.

Kentucky? The green grass?

In the first place, Kentucky grass is blue.

In the second, I'm the chef, and the icing will be white.

Hold it. Cease and desist.

-Argument about the cake? -Mm-hmm.

I'll settle this. This the recipe?

Perfect. Carry on, Denning.

With lime icing.

Look, Major, I'm not even supposed to be here.

I was held over by him and the other captain

to bake a cake, so let me bake it, will you?

Is this man occupying a bed in post-op

just so he can sneak back here and bake?

Margaret, post-op is half empty,

and you're talking to a man who in civilian life

taught pastry at the Cordon Bleu in Paris.

No, I was Speedy's Eats in New Orleans.

Same thing.

There's the wreath.

Amazing what can be done with a box of Kleenex

and a bottle of rose water.

If I catch anybody blowing his nose in this,

he's gonna lose it.

Hey, Hawk.

Try the julep now.

Oh, that's it.

Make an extra batch. What we don't drink

we can use as insect repellant.

Right on through, Colonel. Have a refreshing trip, sir?

Take that stuff off. You look like a fool.

-Where's Radar? -Making party favors, sir.

-May I talk to you? -No.

Then I'll be brief. I'd like you to transfer me to the M.P.s.

-Out of my way, flatfoot. -I could do a great job

escorting prisoners to the States.

Just sign here, sir, for the cause of justice.

-Klinger, come to attention. -Yes, sir!

About face.

Now stay that way until you receive further orders.

But I have a beat to patrol.

Colonel, lovely to see you. How was your trip?

We certainly missed you around here.

Save it for Sunday.

♪ Oh, the sun shines bright

♪ On my old Kentucky home

♪ On my old Kentucky home

♪ Far away

Ah. Belly up to the bowl, Colonel.

You're just in time for slap happy hour.

How was everything in Seoul, Colonel,

the Jersey City of the Orient?

I thought this party wasn't supposed

to leave the starting gate till 1:30 a.m.

We figured we'd indulge in a few furlongs now

so we'd all start with a handicap.

You're a few lengths behind us. Join the fun.

The fun is over.

Give you people an inch, you take a mile.

Well, tonight, a mile and a quarter.

Quiet, Pierce!

What's this patient doing here?

Recovering nicely, thank you.

Don't let them fool you, Colonel.

These two have kept him from rejoining his unit

so that he could bake a cake with the wrong icing.

-Is this true? -Every layer of it.

If there's one thing I can't abide,

it's two commissioned teenagers

who feel they can break regulations

any time the mood hits them.

Darn tootin'.

But what's worse is a snitch,

someone who can't settle a matter face-to-face.

-I resent that, Colonel. -Tough.

Colonel, I'm glad you're back, sir.

See what I made? Party favors. Horses and jockeys.

Where the hell have you been?

Well?

Uh...

I had to go to Supply to get the paper,

and then I had to go cut out the horses.

Then I had to get a picture

to see how long to make the tail when I cut it out.

Get me a duty roster.

I want to see where all these people belong.

Yes, sir.

Uh, we belong in Supply.

Then get there.

The rest of you get where you're supposed to be.

What's wrong with him?

I said to the man "Go to Changri-La.

Get your back walked on."

But does he listen to his doctor? No.

-Colonel Potter. -What do you want?

Just the man I want to see.

This day is getting better and better.

I'm sure this will be as unpleasant for you as it is for me,

but I hold you personally responsible

for ruining my medical career.

-You don't say. -It is six months to the day

since I was shanghaied into this quagmire.

Congratulations. Then this is a commemorative meeting.

If it goes well, we'll issue a coin.

Colonel, look at this.

The first open-heart surgery in medical history

has just been done successfully.

Bully.

That should be my heart lying open there!

If it hadn't been for you,

I'd be at a real hospital with research facilities

instead of this roadside medical stand!

I hereby request a transfer.

Denied. Next.

Colonel, if you don't get me out of here, I'll--

You'll what?

I'll find a way.

I will stop at nothing.

And you've been working on it already, haven't ya?

My every waking moment,

with every breath I take, from the first time--

That's it, Winchester! Get out!

-But, sir! -Get out,

or my name will be on your lips forever.

There's no reason to get huffy.

I mean, there's nothing personal.

Right, stranger. Out.

-I just thought I'd ask. -Out!

By the way, welcome back.

Thank you, sir. And I'm just a corporal.

Don't you ever forget that.

Sir, this hand-delivered message

was just delivered by hand.

-Well, what is it? -I don't know, sir.

-I never read your mail. -What is it?

General Kent is warning you about a spot inspection.

Some big brass are coming in from I-Corps.

Inspection, huh? Boy,

those pencil pushers don't waste any time, do they?

-No, sir. I'll notify the camp. -No, you won't.

I'll fill them in in my own way when I'm good and ready.

In the meantime, don't breathe a word of this to anyone. Capisce?

-Who, sir? -Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Uh, sir, is there anything I can do?

No. Just keep your mouth shut.

Oh, yes, sir, I will. I won't say a word. Not a word.

Anybody asks me, I don't know nothin'.

Your secret is safe with me. I can sure capiscethat.

Mum's the word.

Hmm? Oh, right.

Shh.

Honeychild,

after the cotillion,

would you like to go down to the plantation

for a game of slap and tickle?

Oh, good.

You will?

Sure.

Why has it taken you a year?

I like older men.

Ah. I see.

Uh, well, ahem, well, uh...

Look at that brazen hussy over there.

And the woman he's with.

You're all lunatics.

Ma'am, may I see your I.D.?

Ha ha! Don't be ridiculous. I'm over 21.

Don't be ridiculous. I know it.

Here it is.

That dumb white icing.

Don't tell me. Please, don't tell me.

The Kentucky Derby.

Right, Charles. And we used your hat size.

You know, Pierce, someday you'll be old enough

-to grow your own beard. -It's post time.

They're approaching the starting gate.

Gather around the track.

Just in time, Colonel.

The two-dollar window's closing.

Turn it off.

-But, sir. -I said turn that radio off.

-Let me have your attention.

Next Tuesday there's gonna be a surprise inspection.

Now, the reason for this inspection,

my butt is on the block.

There have been bad reports about this unit

floating around headquarters.

That's okay, though.

Bad reports never bothered me. They never will.

-TOGETHER: Right. -Yeah.

I don't retreat from a fight.

They want efficiency, I'm gonna show 'em efficiency and pride--

everything they said we haven't got.

-That's right.

That report's gonna be so clean, you can operate on it.

-Right. -You betcha.

I'm gonna show 'em not only

the best damn MASH unit in the army

-but the best unit, period.

And, uh, right after that, I'm going home.

-Huh? -What do you mean?

You heard me. I'm leaving.

I'm putting in for a transfer.

I'm spending my last few months stateside.

That's all. Good night.

-CHARLES: Uh...

The inspection's this Tuesday,

so you fellas have gotta work fast.

Klinger, I want all torn canvas repaired on the tents.

I'll give it a nice zigzag stitch.

And 86 that M.P. dodge.

Try masquerading as a soldier.

If you don't mind, sir, I'd like to keep my whistle.

Zale, Benson, I want this camp spotless.

If it don't move, paint it. If it does move, pick it up.

But, sir, my back.

Is giving me a pain. Dismissed.

Colonel, you can't heap all this on us.

Benson, if your arms get to feeling too heavy,

I can always take off those stripes.

Now scram!

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

All right, Colonel, we're waiting for an explanation.

Then wait outside. I still don't want to talk about it.

There are a lot of people around here

with their jaws scraping on the ground

from that bombshell you dropped last night.

You've got to talk about it.

Got to? Get out of here.

Who do you think you're talking to,

-a couple of strangers? -We want an explanation.

We're gonna stay until we get one.

I can call the M.P.s.

They want an explanation too.

Look, let's stop the hostility festival

and discuss it, okay? Please?

We've been halfway through a war and back together.

You owe us that.

Those bad reports I mentioned last night

have been coming from inside this camp.

One of us?

I try to make this bed of nails

a little more comfortable,

and this is how I get paid off.

One of my own people

stabs me in the back with a fountain pen.

A simple "thank you" would have sufficed.

-I can't believe it. -Believe it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna write to Mildred.

She might want to know about this too.

Come in, Radar.

This is terrible.

Gee, he's such a wonderful commander.

Who'd be lousy enough to spy on a guy like that?

The floor is open for nominations.

Let's analyze this.

We're looking for somebody who's discontented--

-Yeah. -...resentful,

and has a personal beef with the colonel.

Who am I describing?

Klinger?

-No. -No.

-Charles? -Mmm.

Monogrammed toilet paper? Who's he trying to impress?

"Ogilvy and Cabot's Hair Sprout.

A harvest of hair in every bottle."

Remind me to put this in his deodorant.

Here's his Ogilvy and Cabot stationery.

"Charles Emerson Winchester.

Boston, Paris, Palm Beach, Korea."

Anything interesting?

An unfinished letter.

I knew I was right about him.

Aristocrats make the best sneaks.

Read on, Macduff.

-"Dear Meredith" -That's a girl's name.

Or maybe the last name of a general.

I think you're stretching it.

"I'm afraid I have some very disturbing news to report."

I knew it.

"During that memorable rendezvous in Tokyo,

"I told you that the only stars that sparkle for me

"were in your eyes.

"In the interim, I have discovered

"that the stars could and did sparkle for me

without necessarily being in your eyes."

-Some spy letter. -It's code. It's a code.

"I truly regret giving you the impression

"that a permanent relationship was possible for us.

"I could never marry

"without the permission of Grandmama Winchester

"who possesses the wisdom of the ages

and half of downtown Boston."

Go on. Now it's beginning to make sense.

-That's all there is. -Well, I'll finish it,

and then you can read the rest of it.

-Author, author. -How shabby!

How unutterably shabby!

Charles, listen--

Oh, this is vulgar. This is despicable.

Would you care to explain this to me?

It's all there on the label.

Why were you reading my mail?

Look, Charles, there's an explanation for this.

Whatever it is, I don't believe it.

Charles, someone has been sending secret reports

to the inspector general about Colonel Potter.

That's why he's packing it in.

And someone has been insisting you were the informer.

B.J.: Some nut.

And you chose to believe this provocateur?

You can't call me that.

I might have known.

There are no informers in my family.

Winchesters do not spy.

-We do on occasion hire them.

Okay. It was a dumb thing to do. We apologize.

Oh, you stupid jerks!

It's come to this. I just used the word "jerk."

-We're all slowing down. -Gentlemen, I know

that thinking unsettles your prejudices,

but if you would bother to use the few brains you have,

it might occur to you to look in the outgoing mail

for a letter addressed to the inspector general.

The chances are very good it was written by the informer.

-Okay. -One other thing, gentlemen.

Bear in mind that I still hate you.

-Do keep that in mind. -Mm-hmm.

Charles, you're drinking your hair.

Don't be ridiculous.

This is 12-year-old scotch.

You don't think I'd leave this in the original bottle

around you petty larcenists.

-Oh! -What?

I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle.

-Come on, sirs. -Come on.

Radar, we're not gonna steal anything.

Listen, this is the U.S. mail.

Only a U.S. mailman can touch it

once it goes in this bag. It's sacred.

Radar, one of those bad reports

on Colonel Potter could be in that sacred bag.

Why didn't you say so?

He's so stubborn.

This is the last time I ever take

a post office job at Christmas.

Before I find it, what am I looking for?

Anything addressed to someplace official.

Here's one from Klinger to his draft board.

Is it ticking?

Here's one to I-Corps, Inspector General.

Well, it's okay. It's from Joe.

-Who? -Joe Benson. He's a corpsman.

He's been here since June.

He's a regular guy, though. It couldn't be him.

Radar, how many regular guys you know

write home to I-Corps?

Wait. You're not gonna tear that open, are you?

Don't worry. We're doctors. I'll open, he'll close.

No, you better let me do it.

Can you imagine what he could do with a scalpel?

Mmm.

That fink!

You can use stronger language than that.

That dirty fink!

I don't get it.

Benson's just as undisciplined as the next guy.

What's he got against Potter?

Why don't we pin him to the ground,

cover him with ants, and ask him nicely?

-I'll bring the boiling oil. -Uh-oh.

-Uh-oh. Choppers.

Business before pleasure.

Close, Major.

Good work, sir.

I've never seen that technique before.

And I thought you'd seen it all.

It was done at the Mayo Clinic four months ago.

What did you do, visit there on the long weekend?

It was in some literature

that came a while back.

I spent that long weekend reading it.

How about you, quick draw?

Well, I, uh, I, uh, I scanned it...briefly.

Yeah, the light's not too good in the latrine.

Colonel, I just don't know

how we'll ever find anyone to replace you in here.

I second that.

Klinger.

You call my name, and I appear.

Get him to post-op.

Benson, grab the other end, will you?

Oh, Benson, we'll need a hand

in the changing room when we're done here.

Would you stop by?

Sure. Anything you need.

-What a nice guy. -B.J.: Salt of the earth.

Promise that you'll keep me away from that creep's throat.

I was gonna ask you to promise me.

Now, what can I do for you sirs?

Ah, Benson. We've been waiting 10 minutes.

-You're a little slow. -I'm sorry, but I had--

When an officer gives you an order,

-you better move, fella. -I'm sorry, sir.

Gross inefficiency. Better include yourself in your next report.

I can't see myself in those shoes. Why don't you put that in there too?

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Yes, you do.

One of your letters fell into the right hands: ours.

-Oh. -Mmm.

There's a lot of activities

I'm not gonna miss around here. That was one of them.

Ah, Colonel, we got a little going-away present for you.

Sorry we didn't have time to gift wrap it.

I'm too pooped for puzzles. What are you getting at?

May I present Corporal Joe Benson, snitch first class.

His fingerprints are all over that pen in your back.

Benson, is this true?

They make it sound worse than it is.

If I could raise my arms, I'd flatten your nose.

What'd I ever do to you, Corporal?

It's Lieutenant, sir.

Ah, a commissioned weasel.

Damn it, answer my question!

It was an assignment, sir.

I was sent by the inspector general to work undercover.

Why pick on us?

Our record was clean as a whistle till you got here.

Not according to Colonel Frank Webster of the Third Armor.

He was a patient here a couple of months ago.

Apparently, he wasn't too thrilled

with the quality of your care.

-I don't remember any Webster. -Me, neither.

I do. Came through triage

with a tiny piece of shrapnel in his tush

and a big chip on his shoulder.

Got steamed when I told him he'd have to wait

till the real casualties were treated.

You can't blame him. A wound like that

could've kept him off a bar stool for several days.

That still doesn't explain

your negative reports, Benson.

Look, you gotta admit,

from a military standpoint,

things are pretty loose around here.

Maybe. From a human standpoint,

things are plenty tight.

I'd trade your shoeshines and snappy salutes

for a good surgeon any day.

-Even if he looks like us. -I wouldn't go that far.

-Well, I mean... -All right, Benson.

Pack up your cloak and dagger and get out.

Whatever you say, Colonel.

Benson, you tell Webster

if he ever gets in my way again,

I'm gonna put that shrapnel back where I found it.

No, no, Waldo. All I want is my record cleaned up.

Just get them to call off that surprise inspection.

We got enough to do around here

without putting on our Sunday best

for a bunch of dust-sniffing yahoos.

That's telling him.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

What?

Am I staying?

I'll get back to you.

Are you staying, Colonel?

I must admit this is a load off my mind,

but I haven't seen Mildred in a long time.

I haven't seen Peg, but I'm staying.

It's been a long war.

I passed my prime about 10 squares back.

Look, Colonel, um...

Sherman...

you could give me a hundred good reasons to leave,

and I can't give you one good reason to stay.

Stay anyway.

What he said.

Please?

Well, I'll have to think about it for a while.

What the hell. I'll stay.

Thank you, Colonel.

You'll regret every minute of it.

I probably will.

-Uh-oh. Choppers.

-Ooh, they sound loaded. -Let's go.

I hate this place.

Colonel, can we see you in private?

-What's going on? -We're getting up a surprise party.

We wanted to know if you'd be the guest of honor.

-Hit it, Major.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny

Thank you, folks. That was really lousy.

What do you expect with very little talent

and only five minutes' preparation?

Okay, Denning!

Excuse me, sir. Pardon me, Mrs. Potter.

Right this way.

Oh, that dumb white icing again!

This is leftover derby.

Half a hat is better than none.

One candle. What's that for?

It's your first day back.

I want to apologize for being so surly.

You people are the best there is.

I should have realized that. I'm sorry.

Aw.

Why don't you make a wish and blow it out, sir?

I'll make a wish for all of us.

Peace.