Original subtitles

Oh.

Lieutenant?

Your journal came.

Radar, you have anything for me?

Do I... do... I... do... hi.

-Radar. -Do I have a...

Did I get a letter?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

But if I might say,

that's a very nice towel you're wearing, Lieutenant.

Look at this, you dodo.

You're standing here talking to yourself.

-Mail call. -Sensational!

Anything in a pale blue envelope

smells as though it was written by a girl

in a summer dress, a spray of lilac at her elbow?

You got a letter from your congressman

that the mail truck threw

into Colonel Potter's corral by mistake.

-I think I'll pass. -I'll take anything from my family

-no matter how it smells. -It smells like crayons.

Sure it's not from my congressman?

Hey, Radar. What's up? You look down.

Well, to tell you the truth, can I talk to you guys?

-To tell you the truth, why not? -Pull up a bunk.

Hey, thanks.

Um... Well, I'm very concerned about something

which concerns my life here.

What's the trouble, Andy?

Well... I don't think

that this place isn't turning out

to be that great an experience for me.

I mean, I work under terrible pressures

and there's lots of death and destruction and stuff.

But other than that,

I don't think I'm getting much out of it.

I knew there was something wrong with this place.

I mean, the army's supposed to...

well, it's supposed to make a man out of you, isn't it?

Well, it depends which sex you are to start with.

I mean, you have to meet them halfway.

Well, I'm just basically the same person

that I was that I came in with.

You think you could have run an outfit this big

before you came over here?

Well, that's just being a good clerk.

What would you rather be?

Okay, now, listen, this is just talk.

-Yeah, yeah. -I mean, it's just sort of thinking out loud.

Yeah, yeah. Right.

-What do you want to be? -Oh.

A hot lover.

Or even a cold one, I don't care.

What makes you think the Army can help you with that?

When my uncle Ed came home from World War I,

his mother could tell by the look in his eyes

he hadn't been a good boy in France.

She cried for three days.

I just know when I go home, my mother's gonna take one look at me

and chuckle for a week.

Radar, you're working yourself into a froth over nothing.

Oh, nothing, huh?

Look, it's not such a big deal.

Write yourself a weekend pass,

borrow a jeep, and go down to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.

Find some nice lady who reminds you of your father

and let nature take its course.

You mean, go to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul,

make friends with a lady, and let nature take its course?

Well, that's another way of putting it, yes.

Maybe you're not cut out for a life of depravity. Stick to sniffing letters.

Yeah, but I'm the only one that's going to leave this place

younger than I was when I came in.

So go to Seoul. Get it over with.

You mean actually go to Seoul, and...

you know...

A little "you know" never hurt anybody.

Some of our greatest presidents did "you know."

So let him wait'll he's elected. Don't rush him.

Who's rushing him? He's over 12.

Radar, relax. When the time is right, you'll go.

-Your glasses are fogging. Go. -Okay.

Okay, I will.

Next week.

Now!

Okay, okay, now.

You know something?

I feel different already.

I think I'm getting a fever.

Hey!

Any of you guys from Iowa?

Yeah. You headed that way?

Oh, no. I'm going into Seoul to, uh...

Just going into Seoul.

I wish I was. It's been so long

since I've been to Seoul to, uh...

...hardly know what it's like anymore.

-Right.

I want X-rays here--

pelvis and lumbar area.

All right, this guy can wait.

Let me look at this other man over here.

Shoulder wounds.

Uh... get some plasma.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me look at his chest.

-B.J.! -Coming, Mother.

B.J., it's Radar!

Oh, my God.

What did I do to him?

You didn't do anything to him.

He was hit by mortar fire.

Is his chest all right?

I don't know. We'll have to look around in there.

Get him in there and prep him.

What a dumb, stupid thing.

I sent him into the middle of a war on a date.

Come on, let's check the rest of these guys.

I could have killed him.

What the hell was he doing out there in a jeep anyway?

What a waste.

I'll go in and see how bad it is as soon as they get him to sleep.

-I'm going to work on him. -Why don't you let B.J. do it?

You don't look all that relaxed...

I'm working on him.

Okay, fine.

Can I have it quiet? I'm trying to operate?

-Right, we're just carving turkeys. -Shut up, Charles.

Are you gonna keep us in suspense,

or are you gonna tell us how he's doing?

It's not as bad as it looked.

There's a lot of muscle damage, but the vital organs are okay.

So why, may I ask, are we being treated

to this inordinate demand for silence?

I'll explain it later, Charles,

while I'm sitting on your chest

so Hawkeye can beat you with both fists.

Criminy. Will you guys cork it?

We're up to our ankles in wit.

Innkeeper, buy everybody a drink. It's on me.

There's no everybody left, Hawk.

My-- My swallower's gone back to camp.

Nothing but a fickle camp swallower.

-You did great. -Yeah.

No, really. You did great.

He'll run like a new model in a few weeks.

I thought I killed him, you know?

I know.

He's such a cute little guy, you know?

Yeah.

You know that my hands were shaking?

I had butterflies.

I've held people's hearts in my hand,

and with him I was nervous.

Am I boring you?

I've heard this four times already.

I know how it ends.

How does it end? I wasn't here for the early show.

You start crying and sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."

Can we go home?

♪ If funny little bluebirds fly ♪

♪ Away above the sky so high ♪

♪ Then why, oh, why Oh, why, oh, why-- ♪

-Will you shut him up? -Sh-Shh.

That's the third time tonight

he's awakened me with that idiotic song!

Oh, really? Oh, really?

That happens to be the national anthem of Iowa,

from where comes Judy Garland, the Tin Man,

and Radar O'Reilly!

I think you will find that the characters

lurching through your febrile mind

come from Kansas.

Wake me up early.

I want to check Radar in post-op.

I'll check Radar.

You sleep it off. Unclench your toe!

And clench your mouth.

Clench yours, you hairless parsnip! Ha ha ha ha!

MAN : Rise and shine, folks!

Incoming on the helipad!

All personnel, grab your socks!

I think we better let him sleep.

The man said all personnel.

Charles, he's only been asleep for two hours.

You know his body hasn't had time to detoxify.

His body should have thought of that last night.

Rise and shine, blue brains.

What? What?

Surgery, Hawk.

Good. Have my brain removed.

Sleep. If things get rough, I'll send for you.

Oh, no. Colonel Potter's not going to rush me in my work

just so he can sleep off a gallon of hooch.

Don't yell!

Stay here and sleep, Hawk.

I'll do my share.

Is this my shoe?

It's your pants.

Good, where do they go?

In your case, over your head.

Really, Charles, if that weren't so amusing,

one might laugh.

-Not over here.

Well, who's next? I'm nearly finished.

We're real proud of you, speedy.

Wipe.

-B.J.: How's it going, Hawk? -Huh?

-How's it going? -I can't talk, I'm operating.

Oh, where is the badinage of yesteryear?

Shut your hole, Charles.

What's eating him now?

This breakfast session caught us a little off guard.

Aren't you over here on the American plan?

Well said, Colonel.

-Pertinent and pithy persiflage. -Oh, poo-poo-pa-doo.

-Who's got free hands? -What the matter?

I need somebody to suture this mesentery

while I step outside for a minute.

Hold it in. Stand on one foot, like the rest of us.

Look, I'm not kidding. Charles, are you free?

Yes, but I don't see why this should come off my time.

You know why just as well as I do. Have a little heart.

Winchester, get your persiflage over there.

Pierce, go out and come in again.

Let's get on with this.

If you'll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen,

with your very kind permission, uh, I'm gonna, uh--

What is it with him?

We got home kind of late last night.

Well, kind of late this morning.

And you think he may have poisoned himself

on the hors d'oeuvres at Rosie's bar.

Well, that's just dandy.

Colonel, you know nothing like this has ever happened before.

It better not be happening now.

Baker, tell Pierce to get back here tout suite.

He's a little indisposed right now, Colonel.

Indisposed?

He's laying over an oil drum throwing up.

CHARLES: Well, well, well.

How the mighty have fallen.

Look, you can walk around with your brains at half-mast

24 hours a day for all I care.

But when that chopper hits the pad,

I expect you to be able to tie a slipknot in a matchbox.

It's incomprehensible to me

that a surgeon of your caliber

would walk into an operating room with a bag on.

Okay, let's hear some talk.

-What's your explanation? -I screwed up.

-I presume it won't happen again. -That's right.

Well, this little talk has been terribly reassuring.

God, I hate this place.

You seemed to be enjoying it well enough last night.

I thought I was celebrating, but it was really drinking in anger.

Every time I thought of Radar lying on that table

with his chest laid open in front of me,

I socked another shot into my body

because I didn't have anyone else's body to sock.

Have you seen him today? He's doing great.

I'll go in there when I can screw a smile on my face.

I'll lend you one of mine. Got a drawer full them.

So that's your secret.

I can't tell you what a jerk I feel like.

Listen, anybody'd feel like a jerk

if they'd done what you did.

Thanks. That really perks me up.

That's all right.

Hiya, kid.

Hey, Klinger.

Gee, you look nice.

Yeah, I don't get to wear this suit much,

and it took me hours gettin' the darts out.

Here, I brought you some flowers.

Oh...

I didn't know cornflowers was blooming yet.

They're not. I got them off one of my hats.

Don't put them in water. The color will run.

Oh. Thanks a lot.

Sure.

So, listen, what did they say?

Is everything going to work right and everything?

Well, B.J. was by before, and Major Winchester

and they said I was going to be all right.

Has Hawkeye been around to check you over yet?

No, not yet.

He's feeling a little out of sorts.

Yeah, so I hear.

Well, well, well, what have we here?

Listen, I'll see you, okay?

Right. Thanks a lot, Klinger.

Radar, I told you a hundred times

never go driving in Korea without a steel parasol.

You're going to be fine.

I even put extra muscle in your arms

so you'll look good at the beach.

How long am I going to be laid up, sir?

"Sir"? Aren't we being kind of formal?

I mean, after all, I did walk barefoot through your pectorals.

Can you do that?

-Yeah. -Oh, good.

Hear you had to leave the O.R. this morning.

That's right, I did.

Somebody said you had to go outside to throw up.

That's right.

How come?

Well, I've always wanted to barf on Uijeongbu,

and I just thought the time was ripe.

Wouldn't be anything else, would it?

No, unless it was the fact

that most of my blood came out of a Scotch bottle.

I wouldn't know about that. I'm not a doctor.

But I am, so I'm not allowed to be human, is that it?

You walked out on a patient,

and Major Winchester had to finish for you.

So? I'd have done the same for him if he was sick.

Well, a lot of people don't look at it

like you were sick, Hawkeye.

A lot of people look up to you here.

They admire you, and they kind of feel

like they want to be like you.

And, gee, when you walk out on an operation,

they kind of feel like you let them down.

If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well...

maybe there's no point in depending on anything.

Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders.

Don't you know how much this place stinks?

Don't you know what it's like

to stand day after day in blood?

In the blood of children?

I hate this place.

If I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction,

then-- then the hell with it.

How dare you!

The hell with your Iowan naiveté,

your hero worship, and your teddy bear.

And while you're at it, the hell with you!

Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud?

I'm not here for you to admire.

I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder,

if possible, without going crazy. Period.

Come on, cut it out.

Stop it, will you?

You ninny!

I don't know how it happened.

One minute we're talking,

and the next minute, I'm standing there

watching this crazy man scream at Radar.

What don't you go back and talk to him again?

I don't think I can face him again.

I can't believe I did it!

-Hello?

Come in, Father.

I wonder if I might, uh, uh...

Have a seat, Father.

I just left Radar.

Now, Hawkeye, please accept this

in the spirit intended.

You're under enormous pressure here,

and I just want to know one little thing.

Have you lost your mind?

Father, you don't know how sorry I am.

I mean, that boy is lying there in a hospital bed

with tubes sticking out of his body

and you-- you call him a ninny?

-Father... -I'm incensed!

I am outraged!

Where's your decency, man, your humanity?

-I am acrimonious! -Father...

I'm not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion,

but let me tell you, I am persuaded to violence!

-Go ahead, Father. -Why, I think I will!

I'm glad you let it out, Father.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I found it particularly unsatisfying.

And if you want to know the truth,

it's entirely possible I've broken my toe!

Gee, you have a marvelous effect on people.

What the hell's the matter with you? Are you nuts?

-I think I must be, yes. -I think you are.

I no sooner give you a lecture on one patient

then you go in and try to destroy another!

Maybe we should aim you at the Chinese!

-I'd like to talk to you! -This oughta be good.

-What is the matter with you? -Just a minute, Major.

I have something to say on that subject--

Just hang on! You'll get your turn!

I'll get my turn? I'm the commanding officer!

I beg your pardon, Colonel. Please, go right ahead.

Thank you. Your behavior is incomprehensible again!

You have a boy there fresh out of the cornfield

who is highly vulnerable and impressionable,

not to mention the fact that he worships you.

Although why, I can't see!

And you make this kid the target

of the most bellicose barrelful of Bull Durham

anybody's ever heard you utter!

And I, for one, have heard you utter plenty!

If you don't mind, I rehearsed this as a single.

And you're doing fine. Really.

Gee, Major, I appreciate that.

Now will you clam up?

This boy's been told

he's nothing more than a pimple on a flea

by the man whose opinion he values

more than anyone in the world!

And I think you damn well

better do something about it!

-Now what do you think? -I think you're right.

Who...

I never got to say anything!

-How's Radar doing? -He's doing fine.

You're not going to talk to him again, are you?

I just want to sit with him for a minute.

I feel awful.

He's so fragile, you know?

Radar, I'd like to apologize.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you can just forget it.

Just forget it! Hell with me, huh?

The hell with you! How about that?

And another thing. I wanna tell you something.

Anybody says anything about Iowa

better be prepared to back it up, pal.

I'll give you a fistful of Iowan naiveté

that's right in the puss!

-How about that? -No, let him go.

You know, I don't need you to tell me what's what.

I know what's what just as well as you do.

So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze

and pickle yourself?

Well, sitting with all your friends, I see.

Gee, Charles, you were the one person

I was counting on for a little compassion.

This may come as a surprise to you,

but I really do feel for you.

-Yeah? -My, yes, I certainly do.

A very painful episode

for a surgeon of your expertise to endure.

Actually, you know,

I had a similar experience once myself.

A little, uh, peccadillo backfired.

Nearly got me thrown out of school.

Of course, I was 14 at the time.

I wasn't a grown man like you are.

Doctor, do try to learn a little self-discipline.

I'm working on it right now.

Oh.

How's everything going here?

Oh, sir, I was just thinking about you.

Uh, I was going over the duty roster in my head,

and I think if I had some paper, I could get it out for you.

Oh, that's okay, Radar. Rest your roster.

Klinger will work on it.

I understand you and Hawkeye had a little to-do.

Yes, sir.

He's very fond of you, Radar.

Oh, really, sir?

You know, they say time heals all wounds.

It's true.

Look, next week when you're up and walking around,

you many run into Hawkeye.

And you'll probably start talking about the weather

or the food or something, and before you know it,

you might realize he's the same guy

you always liked when you looked up to him.

In fact, you might even like him better,

now that you can see him more... eye-to-eye,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, I know what you're trying to say, sir.

Well, good.

We'll see.

Hawkeye! Long time no see, no?

Yeah. I've been staying away from the firewater, Rosie.

-You got trouble with your liver? -No.

Hi, Rosie.

Hi, Radar!

-Sit. -Okay, thanks.

-Grape Nehi? -Uh, yeah, I guess so.

-Uh, Hawkeye? -Uh, beer, I guess, Rosie.

Okay.

Hi, sailor. You come here often?

-Oh, hi. -Hmm.

Sure is some stretch of warm weather we're having.

Yeah, it really has been warm.

It's been, uh, very warm.

Yeah.

Did you try that breakfast this morning?

The sausages were ice-cold.

Yeah, I heard about that.

I usually give them a sniff, you know, but, uh...

I heard they were really cold.

-Yeah, they were really-- -Cold.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

Sure is some stretch of weather.

Warm.

Yeah.

Oy!

Look, I'd like to say I'm sorry.

This whole thing probably never would have happened

if I wasn't so guilty about getting you wounded in the first place.

Well, gee, that wasn't your fault.

And if you really have to worship

the ground I walk on,

I guess I can take it.

Well, that's okay.

Um, I'd just soon not.

Oh, okay. That's nice too.

One grape Nehi.

One beer.

Hey, Radar, it's not your birthday, is it?

No. Why?

You just got some costume jewelry

from President Truman.

-I think he's sweet on you. -Huh?

Okay if I nail that on?

Hey! That's a Purple Heart!

Oh, good. I hate it when presidents get fresh.

Wow! A citation. Wonder what my mom's gonna say.

She'll probably say her boy has changed over here.

And she'll be right.

Yeah, I guess so.

You still going to talk to us,

now that you're a hero and everything?

Oh, sure, I still talk to ordinary people.

Radar, I'm going to do something now

I've hardly ever done before.

You're not going to kiss me, are you?

Thank you, sir.

Don't get hurt again, will you?

That's probably what my mom will say.