Original subtitles

Hi, I'm JoeJackson.

You know me as the father of theJackson Five, being a tightwad...

and beating my kids like a drum.

But, you know, you really shouldn't beat your kids.

It's just they do so many damn things that make you mad...

like swell up when you whup 'em.

Then you got to whup all of'em so you have a matching set.

That's why I'm so glad this new toy came along...

theJoeJackson, Jackson Kids...

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

Yes, now you can beat my kids too.

Beat all theJackson kids.

Beat Michael. Hit him so hard, you'll knock the white off him.

Boy's talking about a skin disease...

His skin's been bleached more times than Madonna's mustache.

Beat that stank, LaToya. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

String her up by her funky weave.

And sucker punch the hell out of my personal favorite, Tito.

Hey, Tito? You wanna go a few rounds?

- You gonna knock my block off again, Dad? - You got that right, boy.

I'm gonna hit you so hard, by the time you stop rolling...

yourJheri curl's gonna be back in style.

Compared to you, Woody Allen's father of the year.

[Laughs] Good shot, Son.

Too bad you can't knock the talent into somebody.

Oh, I tried. Lord knows, I tried.

Well, I got you this time. That's for scaring Michael...

- and that's for cheating on Mom. - Oh, watch out, Son.

And most of all, that's for naming me Tito.

Look, I won! I won. Lfinally did something right.

Yeah, well, watch out for my left foot. Come here.

I brought you into this world, I'm gonna take you out.

[Announcer] So don't slug your kids. Slug JoeJackson's kids.

They're used to it. Get the new...

JoeJackson, Jackson Kids Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

Just beat it!

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

Hello, I'm David Alan Grier. We here at In Living Color are aware...

that our program can offend certain viewers.

That's why we're introducing our new...

In Living Color voice mail feedback line.

If you're a member of an offended viewer group, we want to hear from you.

Just call this number... 555-1993.

Remember, we want to hear from you.

[Woman] Hi, you've reached the In Living Color feedback line.

If you're a homosexual offended by our portrayal of the gay community, press one.

If you're an African American offended by negative portrayals of blacks, press two.

If you're a white supremacist offended by...

our positive portrayal of blacks, press three.

If you're a feminist offended by our sexist jokes, press four.

If you're a gay Armenian midget, press the star button now.

If you're...

Okay, now listen up. This is how it's gonna be.

This is Mom's Beauty Shop. Our motto is...

"Bring us your head, we'll make it happy...

whether you want it straight, curled or nappy."

My name is LaShawn. I'll be your supervisor.

Yeah, well, I don't need no supervision, 'cause, you know, I went to USC...

you know, University of Supercuts, so, uh...

I don't actually need... I got a degree so I don't really need no supervision...

Well, actually, I don't really care, you know...

'cause if I was impressed with degrees, I'd be dating a thermometer or something.

Uh, hello. I've been waiting here for 20 minutes.

Oh, well, that's cool and everything.

I'm sure that somewhere in London, Big Ben is shedding a tear just for you.

Mm-hmm. But what you need to do right now...

is just read the magazine and relax.

- This magazine is 20 years old. - Well, lucky for you.

You'll probably find a picture of that dress you have on in there.

Uh, what did you say your name was?

Slade the blade, to cut them funky braids.

Uh, no, I don't think so. You don't touch my hair, okay?

That's rule number one and two, all right?

- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?

- Just come back here with me and be quiet. - [Babbling]

Okay, now this is not a space alien...

it's a woman sitting up under the dryer.

Now what I want you to do is set the control on medium for five minutes...

then take her out and curl her hair, okay?

- Any of that you didn't get? - Well, what I didn't get is how come...

me and you don't get together, understand, yo, yo?

Because I don't want to get what you probably got. Mm-hmm.

Just do what I'm saying, okay?

And when you finish that, go and put a tent in Miss Smith's hair.

What she need a tent for? Her head goin' camping?

Uh, welcome to Mom's Beauty Shop. May I help you?

I don't know.

- Uh, my boyfriend says I should dye my hair. - Mm-hmm?

I wanted to get curls, but my boyfriend says...

- I should probably leave it straight. - Mm-hmm.

You know, I don't really know what I should do.

Well, I know exactly what you should do.

You should probably get your boyfriend to comb your hair.

Go on somewhere.

Yeah, girl. I'll take you back to the crib...

throw on some Sly and the Family Stone, girl, so you can tease me.

Then I'll comb you with that hot comb Crown Royal greaser.

- Oh, Slade. - [Laughs]

Excuse me. I'm sure that Chuck Woolery won't mind me...

breaking up your little love connection, but what are you doing?

What I'm trying to do is meet some nice people...

- and get more acquainted to the people in this staff. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sure we can plan a little meet and greet function for you later, you know...

but right now while you've got so much time on your hands...

why don't you pick up a rag and clean up around here or something?

And as for you, Madge the Mouthy Manicurist...

I suggest you get back to work before you soaking in it, okay?

Okeydokey.

Oh, I know you didn't! I know...

Do you wipe up the floor with your grandmother's wig?

Don't answer that. This wig costs $500.

Well, I'm just doing what you told me to do. I'm trying to clean up some stuff.

How come you didn't tell me that VO5 was your I.Q.? Never mind.

Now, look. Look, look.

Didn't I tell you to take her from under the dryer?

[Screams] Oh, no! Oh, my God!

I'm getting married tomorrow.

Well, I guess you're going as the bride of Frankenstein.

- [Screams] - [Babbling]

Oh, for crying out loud.

Won't someone please finish me off?

Um, well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Absentminded Hairdresser...

Wait a minute. Who you calling absentminded?

Well, pardon me. I was unaware that you...

turned down a full scholarship to Harvard so you could go to beauty school...

and ultimately work your way up into the spotlight...

here at Mom's Beauty Shop.

Come over here. Did you put the henna in her hair?

Yeah, I put the henna Barbara in there...

- and it's gonna look good as soon as it come up out. - Mm-hmm.

Your confidence is very impressive. Let's just see that it works, okay?

Oh...

Oh! Oh, what have you done to my hair?

Oh, oh!

[Laughs] My bad.

What did you do? Rinse her hair with 3000 Flushes?

When I said I wanted a movie-star look...

I wasn't thinking of Marge Simpson.

- I want a refund. - That's all you want?

Well, honey, before you go to Homer, let me put you in touch with the refund department.

- Go on somewhere. - I don't believe it!

Uh, Grandma?

What do you want, you old heathens?

You got a problem, you fish-eyed fool?

Uh, yes, thank you.

- Look what he did to me! - Ha.

Quite an improvement.

Now your hair matches those veins in your legs.

Listen, I demand satisfaction.

Hey, look, lady. You don't tell us what we need to do, understand?

- 'Cause we run this. - You better watch it, sucka.

You fired.

- Come on, honey. We gonna be late. - You can't leave me like this.

The hell we can't.

- We got an appointment with the hair dresser. - After you, Grandma.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Men Rapping]

♪♪ [Orchestra Theme]

Captain, the aliens have requested permission to board, sir.

Permission granted. I am eager to see what these humanoids look like.

Welcome aboard.

Stop!

Why is it that every black alien character...

has to have a head like a butt, a foot...

or some other embarrassing part of the body?

Thank you, captain.

I hope you don't mind if my crew looks around.

Not at all. Bring them in.

This is Borkel.

Welcome, Borkel.

This is Crane.

Welcome, Crane.

And this is Quartz.

Hey, Quartz. How are you doin'?

Quartz is very popular on our planet.

[Woman] Why?

Gentlemen, we are the only studio in town...

without a single black filmmaker.

This is a key market that we simply have to tap...

so today I have lined up meetings...

with some of the hottest young black filmmakers in Hollywood.

This must be the place!

Now, wake up the dotted line 'cause the Funkateers are here to sign.

On the good foot, you know?

Gentlemen, you're early.

And you look sweet enough to eat, honey.

Oh, I get a cavity just lookin' at you, sweet thing!

Look here, home skillet, save some for dessert, ya know?

- Now, you must be... - Funky Finger Producciones.

- I'm Clavell. - I'm sorry. I don't see your name here.

- And I'm Howard Tibbs III. - Let me give you one of my business cards.

You know, I'm fresh out. Howard?

Bam!

All right, the number's here, but you're gonna have to read real quick...

'cause it's growing back fast.

- I'm gettin' ready to buy one of them blow out kits. - Basketball Afro for days!

Well, it is certainly a pleasure to meet you both.

Let me start by introducing you to our vice president of publicity, Lee Dagget.

- Say what? - Bam! You're just the man I wanted to see.

- You all right, homeboy? - All right.

- Look here. - Don't push him out the car.

Interesting title. Oh Knats.

No, no, no. You got that backwards. Let me see this here.

That's Stank Ho.

See, it's a love story.

It picks up where Pretty Woman left off...

only this time, she does all her shopping at Fatburger, ya know?

Did I mention I had a doctor's appointment?

Block 'em at the door, homey! [Laughs]

Gentlemen, it has just been a real pleasure meeting you.

We ain't done yet, big legs!

You know, it's a two-picture deal.

Howard, show 'em the trailer.

I really don't think we have time for this.

Whoo!

Bam!

Now, you see, this is a little ditty we like to call...

Dirty Dancing With Wolves.

Ain't no function at this junction.

- I had the time of my life. - I'm just kiddin', y'all.

But I never met this wolf before.

- Let's take it downtown, home skillet. - Break it down.

Look here, homey, I hate to interrupt this thing...

but the costume got to be back in just about 15.

- And the bus... - And here comes my bus.

- There go the bus. - You got change for a dollar?

I got it. Leroy, bring my camera by later, could you?

Now how does that grab you, matzo grip?

- Ahh! - Well, you know, I think I've seen just about enough.

Your 12:00 is here, Lisa.

Do you two know you left your sandwich cart outside?

Well, ain't that a chocolate chip cookie?

You know, I knew we forgot something!

Hey, look, y'all! Who's hungry?

- Please show these gentlemen out. - Did I mention we also produced...

My Afro's Too High to Box with God?

Right, and Teenage Mutant Negro Turtles.

Say, say, say, brother!

- Isn't that Wes Unseld? - Love your work, man!

- Hi, I'm Rosie Perez. - And I'm Arthur Rainer.

Tonight, we have something very special for y'all.

We'd like to introduce one of the first and original Fly Girls, Deidre Lang.

We are very proud of Deidre. She's come a very long way...

and she's very special to us.

- Very special. - So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen...

Miss Deidre Lang.

♪♪ [Dance]

[Woman] If you're an animal rights activist offended by...

our treatment of animals, press 9-1.

If you're LaToya Jackson, press 9-1-1.

If you'reJoeJackson, punch 9-2.

If you're Byron Allen, press 9-4.

If you're...

Doctor, do you have anything else, uh, to add?

The information I've provided for you is just the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, there's so much more evidence that clearly shows...

that boxing not only causes great physical damage...

but neurological damage as well.

So you think boxing should be outlawed?

- Yes, I do. - Well, thank you very much, Doctor.

All right, send in the next expert witness, please.

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, it's good to be back in Caesar's Palace.

I feel that the fight will go at least seven rounds...

but, you know, he had me running, back on my heels.

Sir, can you state your name, please?

Oh, oh, s-s-straight up. Straight up.

Uh, Carl "the Tooth" Williams.

'Cause the Tooth will set you free.

That's what I'm sayin'.

Mr. Williams, you fought some of the world's greatest fighters.

- That's right. - Uh, George Foreman, Muhammad Ali...

and so on.

What would you say they all have in common?

Uh, they all kicked my ass.

Basically, that's... that's what happened.

You know, they... they all had kicked my ass.

But, you know, that ain't the thing though. I want me some...

I want me some Tyson. That's what I want, understand?

But he trying to hide from me, you know...

but I'm gonna find him, 'cause I want some Tyson.

- Uh, Mr. Williams, regarding your health... - Yes.

Uh, do you feel that boxing, uh...

has in any way affected your sex life?

Well, she ain't with me no more, but...

I don't think that really has anything to do with, you know, my boxing.

You know, I don't know who told you about all that, but, you know...

it ain't like I can't still, you know...

swing it when I get inside the bed, you know.

Mr. Williams, wouldn't you agree that...

boxers who have taken as many blows to their head as...

as you have, shall we say, lost something upstairs.

Uh, basically.

Basically they have, and, uh...

But, you know, it's nothing to do with boxing.

See, what it is, it's a ploy and a plan for this senate and everybody here...

to try and keep me away from Tyson, and I got to have some Tyson.

I mean, according to our file, you've sustained multiple injuries...

to your... your jaw, your head.

Yeah, yeah. You look like that fellow on Star Trek.

Don't he? Straight up, cuz. You look just like him.

But anyway, I take... I'll take "exemptions" to that because, you know...

even in the ring, you know, I keep my tooth polished...

you know what I'm saying?

And I'm selling these for 5.99 at the crib and stuff.

If y'all want to come by and get you some, you can.

- [Man] Uh, Mr. Williams? - Yeah?

Over your career, how many blows to the head would you say you have taken?

I took all of'em to the head.

But that's the best way to take it. Take it to the head.

You know what I'm saying? Come on down here, and let me show you.

Uh, just let him do it, Senator. Go ahead.

Now... Now, what you want to do... Come at me, now.

Come out with your best shot. Come on. With your best shot. Come on!

Uh, he caught me with one. It was a rabbit punch.

I think... Don't stop the fight, though.

Don't stop the fight. Don't stop it, man! I can go on!

Don't stop it, man! Don't throw the towel in, man!

Y'all want a Coke or Sprite or something?

'Cause it's a two-drink minimum if you're sitting in these chairs.

- Mr. Williams. - I gotta see some I.D. From y'all.

I don't think you're helping your cause by demonstrating this kind of...

Oh, you're trying to... You're trying to dog me. You're trying to dog me.

- Mr. Williams... - Well, come on, Marcia Brady.

Come on.

Well, basically, the reason that I didn't hit her...

is 'cause I respect women and, you know...

the whole boxing got my head dizzy, and she caught me off guard.

Mr. Williams, you claim that boxing's been very good to you.

Yeah, in a sense. In a sense.

But I hardly think that your report...

let alone your record, supports your claim.

Oh, yeah, I do have a record out.

It's called, uh, Carl "The Tooth"in the House.

And it's like...

♪ Got to cake your icing Gonna get me some Tyson ♪

Your testimony's been very helpful and very enlightening.

Thank you for your time, and you'll get our decision later.

No, there ain't gonna be no decision. No, I got to have mine.

That's how they took my last fight from me. It ain't gonna be no decision.

What are you talking about? You sitting there all bourgeois...

Uh, Charlie, please.

Sitting over there, all bourgeois... Hey, man!

Get up off me, man! Get up off... My head is dizzy.

[Woman] If you're a pimp offended by...

our depiction of panderers, press 5-3-7-6.

If you think Delta Burke is exactly the right weight, press 5-3-7-7.

If you're a physically-challenged Eskimo, press 5-3-7-8.

If you're a military personnel who enjoys Gomer Pyle in more ways than one...

press 5-3-7-9.

[Announcer] Now, the bad boys of comedy present television's...

hardest-working staff and crew.

The people who make In Living Color happen each week...

want to thank you and wish you a happy, safe summer vacation.

[No Audible Dialogue Or Sound Effects]