Original subtitles

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

[Man] And now we bring you this special Elvis update.

Hello. I'm Bill Bixby coming to you live...

from the remote field in Alpina, Michigan...

where there's been another Elvis sighting.

With me is Tom Carter, who spotted Elvis first.

Tom, tell us exactly what you saw.

Well, Billy here found some Elvis droppings over behind Rosie's Diner.

When we got there, we spotted him in the Dumpster.

Well, I flushed him out, and boom, he took off like a rabbit.

And now we got him cornered over there behind that tree.

I see. And how can you be sure this is the real Elvis?

Well, I know the King, and that's him.

Good enough.

Look. There he is. Get a picture of that.

- Look at those markings. - [Dog Barking]

- The telltale muttonchops. It's all there, folks. - Let the dogs go, boys.

- [Barking] - Go get him, boys.

Lfhe gets to the highway, we done lost him.

You're not gonna kill him, are you?

No, we'rejust gonna put some tranquilizers in him.

We already got two darts in him now.

Of course. The King has always had a high tolerance for tranquilizers.

- [Tom] Hey. There he goes! - [Gunshot]

- Whoo! - [Men Laughing, Cackling]

[Man] Hold up. Hold on. He's getting up.

- [Man #2] Shoot him again! - [Bixby] Are we getting this?

- [Groaning] - [Tom] We got him now, boys.

He's down. He's down.

Oh, this is great. This is... The search is over, ladies and gentlemen.

Elvis lives, and we're gonna prove it.

My agent told me not to do this. Can you believe it?

This is really something. Oh, my gosh.

Let's see if we can get a word with the King. Elvis, I'm Bill Bixby.

- Why did you fake your own death? - [Groans]

- Can he hear me? - [Screams]

[Man] Look out! He's coming to!

Okay. He's more afraid of us than we are ofhim.

[Bixby] He's gone. He's gone. Oh, man.

Incredible, ladies and gentlemen. Three darts in him, and he's still going.

Oh, we had hoped to bag the King today, but, uh...

I guess once again he gets through our dragnet.

- [Screaming] - [Man] Oh, he's charging!

Go! Go! Go!

- Jesus! Into the car! - [Screaming]

Oh, God! Go! In the car! In the car!

- [All Yelling] - Oh, geez!

- Get in! - Get in the car.

- May have bitten off more than we can chew. - Brace yourselves. He's rammin'.

Oh, damn it. I dropped the keys.

- [Yelling] - Take him out!

- [Screaming] - [Horn Honking]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

[Man] This week, In Living Color asks the question...

what if Bob Hope were black?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

All right. All right. All right. All right.

I want y'all to put your hands together for this next brother comin' to the stage.

Give it up for Mr. Bob Hope, y'all!

- ♪♪ [Theme] - [Cheering]

Yeah. Hey, this is Bob "Def ComedyJam" Hope here...

and I'm one angry brother, I wanna tell you.

Hey, I'm gettin' kind of tired of white people thinkin'...

I'm gonna steal somethin' just 'cause I'm black.

Hey, what up with that, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, I was in the store the other day.

This saleslady was following me so close. Finally, I turned around and said...

"Hey, look, bitch. Why don't you hop on? I'll give you a piggyback ride."

Yeah.

Yeah, but... Hey, how about these white girls?

Ain't they somethin'? Yeah, they really go for us brothers, don't they?

That's 'cause brothers know how to do the nasty.

- [Man] Yeah! - You know what the nasty is, don't ya?

Yeah. That's the wild thing with an attitude.

See, brothers like to take our time with the ladies, don't we?

Yeah. Man, I'm telling you, it's wild.

We can stick... [Bleep] Hanukkah. Hey, peace! I'm outta here!

♪♪ [Theme]

[Man] They're neglected, they're unwanted, they're young.

And, you know, they're available.

Hi, l-I'm Woody Allen.

For just $40 a month, you know...

which is, mind you, a lot less than the cost of your one hour of analysis...

you could not only feed one of these... these gorgeous, delicious Asian girls...

you know, y-you could also date one.

Believe me, they don't have... They don't have homes.

You know, th-they don't have clothes.

They don't even have breasts yet.

You know, just-just think of it as an investment for your future, you know.

Just-Just-Just look at the difference you can make.

You know, right here...

You know, 15 years ago, this girl was just...

a tiny orphan living in utter squalor.

But, you know, just... Ooh, just look at her now.

Ooh, me so hungry.

- Guess who? - Papa Woody!

Yes, dear. Papa... You know, just...

You know, don't... don't, uh, you say anything. [Clears Throat]

I believe it was Sigmund Freud who, uh, once said...

you know, a girl's first love is her father.

But, you know, if I could just interject right here, you know, at this juncture.

It was a lot easier at that point...

to sneak into a seedy motel under an assumed name.

You know, I don't think I'm being facetious or really even didactic...

when I say, you know, it's not everyone who's got a wife naive enough...

to, you know, bring one of these nubile, young goddesses home with her, you know.

But, you know, hey, look what it's done for me.

And when it comes to women, I've always been a total loser.

You know, when I was... when I was breast-feeding...

I remember my mother, she said to me, you know...

"I'd kinda like to get to you know you better."

But, you know, the real beauty of this offer...

is it's totally tax-deductible.

You know, so please call...

1-300-date-the-children.

And if-if-if a woman named Mia answers the phone, you know...

just... hang up and try after 11:00.

Her medication will have kicked in by then.

Go, "K-nicks"!

[Chuckles] That's Knicks, my little blossom.

The New York Knicks.

[Announcer] Date the Children.

When a million dollars in therapyjust isn't enough.

[Audience Applauding]

[Announcer] And now, Jay Leno!

[Squeaky Voice] Thank you. Thank you.

That's a great round of applause there. It gets me real excited.

Makes me so excited, my voice goes real high.

You know, tonight we have a really similar show for you...

but why don't we start out by introducing you...

to Branford Marsalis and the Tonight Show band.

[Audience Applauding]

Let's get right to the news.

Here's some of the headlines that are happening around our country.

People are sending them to us. First headline:

"Crazed Gunman Mows Down 15 in Post Office."

Aren't these people taking this Elvis stamp thing a little too seriously?

All right. Second headline says...

"Bank Robbed, Four Security Guards Killed."

And well worth the $3.35 an hour, I must say.

Anyway, let's get started.

My first guest is the first bald person...

to win a Grammy since Isaac Hayes.

Please welcome Sinéad O'Connor. Come on out here, Sinéad.

♪♪ [Band Playing]

All right, Sinéad.

Sinéad, let's rise for the singing of our national anthem.

Huh? Kiddin'ya! Okay.

It's good you can take a joke like that.

I guess it's good to see you again.

I guess the lesson for the young girls out here is...

that you should never use the drive-through window at Supercuts.

Oh, that's very funny, Mr. Leno. Make your jokes.

But I'm not a girl, you know. I'm a woman.

This is just the sort of sexist attitude I dealt with all my life...

even in my own homeland of Ireland where a grown woman is called a lassie.

Lassie, huh? You look more like a Mexican hairless to me...

Uncle Fester.

You know, make your little jokes, Mr. Leno...

but I'm not here on your show to promote my career.

This is capitalist business. That's what this is.

This is the prime minister of Norway.

Her country allows the killing of thousands of whales.

You know, I went whale watching once.

I heard the captain yell "There she blows..."

and I thought somebody had spotted Madonna.

[Audience Groans]

Now, what has this cute, little guy done to deplete whatever?

Nothing, but I just find him really irritating.

Well, I got one for you, Mrs. Clean.

Tear this one up.

No. Arsenio's a fine man, and very politically correct.

- You know, when we were dating, he'd often say to me... - Dating? Dating?

You were dating Arsenio Hall?

- Yes. What of it? - You have fallen from grace.

You are not longer invited on this show.

- You have slept with the anti-host. - [Audience Groans]

Can you imagine if she and Arsenio had a kid?

With her bald head and his triangle head...

he'd come out lookin' like a "yield" sign with a nose ring.

Like this.

That is it! I'm leavin'! Fight the real enemy!

Yeah? Why don't you go join a karate class?

See if they can snatch the pebble from your hand, huh?

Okay, we're gonna take a short commercial break here and be right back.

Hey, hold on. Hold on here. Wait a second.

What happened to Branford and the band?

Oh, snap. They had to run off early.

They had to do The Arsenio Hall Show.

Well, that's it. They're banned.

They're banned. The band is banned.

I don't care. I don't need 'em anyway.

I don't. As long as I still have my audience, right?

[Audience Makes Barking Sounds]

[Sighs]

Well, I say if you can't beat 'em...

you might as well get busy with some of that Dorito-eatin'...

controversy-duckin', motor cycle-ridin'...

producer-firin'Johnny Should've Stayed Funk, huh?

♪♪ [Drums]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

- ♪♪ [Theme] - [Announcer] Welcome to You Bet Your Career...

the show that gives airtime to former stars...

with big egos and badjudgment.

For example, here's your host, Bill Cosby!

[Applause]

Thank you. Yes, yes, yes.

Okay, cut that... Stop! Cut that... Thank you.

Now, you know the rules of the game.

I come out and I make silly faces...

while the contestants suck up to me...

while I make silly faces, or else I shoot 'em.

[Gibberish]

No, I'm just kiddin'. Now...

let me introduce to you my assistant, Mr. T.

[Applause]

- Hey, fool! - How you doin'?

- Now, correct me if I'm wrong. - I will, fool.

Okay. Now... But didn't you once have a top-rated TV series?

You had your own cartoon, and you had gold around the neck.

- That's right, fool. - Well, what happened?

I was a fool.

No argument here. Now...

let's greet our contestants for tonight.

Let's give it up for Delta Burke and Sinbad.

- ♪♪ [Theme] - [Applause]

Bill! Man, I just gotta say one thing, man.

It is crazy out there, man!

How come every time you get on an airplane, they give you them little old pillows, man?

I said, " Hey, man, this ain't no pillow. This is a tampon!"

And that little baby... That little baby be cryin', man!

That little baby cryin' loud! I ain't lyin'!

- Baby got a big old butt. - Sinbad.

Sinbad, how many times do I have to tell you?

You don't have to shout to be funny.

You just have to make silly faces, you know. There you go. Make a silly face.

Now, Delta, why in heaven's name...

did you leave Designing Women?

Well, my costars thought I was gettin' a big head.

Oh, it ain't your head. It's your big old butt!

Big old greasy butt, man.

You know, what is the difference between Delta Burke and Delta Airlines, man?

Twenty pounds, man! I ain't lyin'! I ain't lyin'.

Sinbad, you know, you're the only man who shampoos his hair with Tang.

Now, stop the badgerin' and the arguin'.

Now, tonight, you two will be playing...

for the walk-on part of the TV show Major Dad.

- Pick me! Pick me! I'll start the warm-up! - Pick me!

Now, our category, as always, is "Bad Career Moves."

Now, listen to the question.

This star made an awful career move when they left a popular TV series.

- That would be me. - [Buzzer Sounds]

- Oh! It's gotta be me. - [Buzzer Sounds]

No, you're both wrong. It's me. [Gibberish]

Just kidding. Now, next question.

Whose career went down the toilet this year?

- Vanilla Ice. - [Buzzer Dinging]

That is correct.

And whose career ended this year?

- Uh, Dennis Miller. - [Buzzer Dinging]

You are correct again. Now, here is the bonus question.

Whose career is going to be washed up next year?

- Oh! - [Together] Tom Arnold.

- [Buzzer Dinging] - You are correct again.

Now, I'm glad to say that...

Hey, what is... What is going on, Filth, Flyin' and Floren?

Can't you see that we're doin' the show here?

We're repossessing this stuff, Mr. Cosby.

How many times do I have to tell ya? You've been canceled.

What do you... What do you mean, I've been canceled?

I'm the most beloved father on television. You don't know nothing.

I did all the voices for Fat Albert.

[Imitating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey. Let Bill stay.

[Gibberish]

- What are you doin'? - Need a hand?

- How does 20 bucks sound? - Deal, fool!

- Hey, man, let me get some of that action. - Me too!

Sinbad, Delta, how could you do this to me?

- Hey, work is work. - I don't care.

I can... I can buy this network.

I don't need you to cancel me. I got money. Look at this here.

I can't be canceled!

- All right, man. This is Garrett Morris. - And Chris Rock.

We never got a chance to say good night on Saturday Night Live, so...

And finally now we're gettin' the chance.

- We're gonna get our one and only break... - Man, shut up.

Good night, everybody.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]