Original subtitles

[Man Narrating] Day 37. The food ran out two weeks ago.

Our only hope for survival was to consume the other victims of the crash.

Then, this morning, we saw a figure on the horizon.

At long last, could this be our salvation?

Oh, thank God you've come to help us!

That's right!

I've come to help you trim down to a slimmer, healthier you!

- Richard Simmons? - Oh, my goodness!

What are you doing? Give me that butt!

You might as well go eat atJack in the Box.

Ooh! I got a hair in my mouth.

That's what you get for eating Italian.

- I've been eatin' brains myself. - Haven't you heard?

A mind is a terrible thing to taste.

I brought you something that's going to change your lives.

The Richard Simmons Plan A Meal System.

Here's how it works.

You eat a person from economy class for breakfast... yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum...

someone in coach for lunch... ooh...

and a sensible, first-class passenger for dinner.

Oh, ta-ta.

- I like dark meat. - Then you're going to have to find passenger 57.

- See how easy it is? - [Biting]

Ow!

Food can be your friend.

But this food was my friend.

That's the spirit!

Now, get off those patooties. It's time to exercise!

I think I'm alone here.

I thought you were a big, strong soccer team.

Hey, I've got an idea.

Come on!

Let's play a game!

You better try to stop me!

I'm gonna score!

[Gasps] Tony!

Oops. I almost forgot.

You shouldn't play with your food...

not when you can exercise with it!

Look! I found a Thigh Master!

[Grunting]

I can feel my buns turning to steel.

Gee, Richard, you're really startin' to look good to me now.

You bet I am.

- Nice and lean. - Thanks!

- Succulent. - Stop it. I'm blushing.

- Delicious. - Uh-oh.

Someone's combining fruits with their proteins.

[Screaming]

[Man Narrating] We never forgot Richard and all he did for us.

He was the first hot meal we'd had in weeks.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪ - ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪ - ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters for you been lookin'listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold your remote control ♪

♪ Chill This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪ - ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe, but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin' when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go go, go, go, go ♪♪

Hi. My name is Loomis Simmons.

Have you ever spent hundreds of dollars going to the gyms?

Have you spent thousands of dollars on fancy home exercise equipment?

I hope so, 'cause now you can spend...

a little bit more on the new...

Loomis Simmons Power Stretch.

Now, these other machines have lots of movin' parts...

hundreds of parts that can break.

The Power Stretch is simplicity itself.

It look like an ordinary spring, but how could it be?

Springs don't cost this much.

Now, let me show you a few of the exercises you can do...

with the Loomis Simmons Power Stretch.

There's the bend...

the upward bend...

the downward bend.

Now, don't confuse these with the traditional bend. That's completely different.

And, most important of all, there's the wobble. Ooh, yeah.

See, this will trim all the fat from all up under your arms and your stomach...

and it'll keep you from gettin' cancer.

Now, there are 20 different exercises in all...

though I did have to repeat a few just to make 'em come out even.

But, heck, you don't have to take my word for it.

Listen to what a few of my satisfied customers have to say.

My breasts are firmer than they've been in years...

thanks to Power Stretch.

After long day chopping suey...

the Power Stretch is perfect exercise.

[Shouts Mock Chinese]

I'm with them. You know, a lot of people say to me...

"Loomis Simmons, why can't I just go to the hardware store...

buy me a spring of my own for a lot less money?"

And I say, "Shut up!" Let's face facts.

You're not gonna stick with any exercise program.

So why buy somethin' that's just gonna take up the whole room?

But the Power Stretch, all you got to do...

is stick it in the closet and forget it's there.

The Power Stretch is $99.95.

But, if you order now, I'm gonna include my special...

Loomis Simmons Subliminal Weight Loss tape.

All you gotta do is play this in the background all day...

and you will lose the urge to eat unhealthy foods.

[Loomis On Tape] Yo, fatty. Big, salt pork butt.

[Mocking Pig Snorting]

This tape alone is worth thousands of dollars.

But I'm not done! I'm not done! I'm goin' crazy today!

If you order today, I'm gonna give you free of charge...

the Power Mini-Stretch.

Yes, that's right. You use this when you're walkin' down the street...

on the bus, after work, anytime, in your car.

That's right. Have the body you always dreamed of.

Or, at least, have a spring.

- ♪♪ [Theme] - [Announcer] Welcome to The Info Group...

where the stars of cable television's most popular infomercials...

tackle today's toughest issues.

And, now, here's your moderator, JuicyJay Kornish!

- [Applause] - ♪♪ [Fades]

Hi! Juice man here, along with our panel of experts...

Dionne Warwick, Psychic Friends Line,

Jessica Hahn, Fantasy Love Line,

Roscoe Popeil, Incredible Inventions,

and Cher, Cher Fitness Systems.

Issue one: The war in Bosnia. Dionne, what about Bosnia?

One moment, Jay.

[Whispering, Indistinct]

Well, my psychic friend said the war in Bosnia is in for a stormy February...

but watch out for romance and job opportunity on the 8th.

Cher?

Oh, I think the Bosnians will definitely prevail.

They've got that sort of upper-body definition and hard buns...

that can only come from... whoo...

a good diet, exercise, and a scientifically-designed aerobic workout.

Who says all bimbos are blonde? Roscoe, Bosnia?

Well, now, do you see this bald spot here? Huh?

You see it? Do you see it?

Well, watch this, huh? Watch this.

- Oh, my eyes! - Huh? What do you say now? What do you say?

What about the Bosnians, Roscoe?

The Bosnians, Serbs... It works on everybody. What's your solution, Jay?

I say we juice 'em.

That's the beauty of a Juice Weasel.

It's patented filtering system separates the Bosnians from the Serbs.

Jessica, Bosnia... What do we do?

Well, it's funny you should ask, Jay...

because I recently went to Bosnia...

to talk to some of the people there.

Let's take a look.

Hi, girls. Tell us your secret fantasy.

- Well, I guess my fantasy would be... - Yeah?

- To fall into a foxhole... - Right.

- With a really sensitive, handsome Serb. - Right.

- Then, while we're in the foxhole... - Yeah?

You know.

That's great.

Issue two: Somalia. Cher?

Well, you can never be too rich or too thin...

so they're already halfway there.

Jessica, Mogadishu.

Oh. Gesundheit.

I've juiced grapes bigger than your brain.

Now, what is it the Somalians need?

Fiber, vitamins, minerals... the source of life.

And it's right under their noises. Actually, it's under their feet.

Sand! With just a little ingenuity and a juicer...

you can turn a desert into a dessert.

That's the beauty of the Weasel.

[Gagging, Coughing]

Mmm! Famine?

Frankly, I don't see the problem. Roscoe?

JuicerJay, I'm gonna take an apple. Now, look at this.

A half-eaten apple.

Now, watch. What if you could make this apple whole again?

- Watch it. - Oh, my eyes!

Huh? Huh? What do you say, huh? What do you say?

- What do you say? - I say, predictions. Dionne?

I predict Elvis will reappear, aliens will visit the White House...

and, Wilt Chamberlain, don't worry.

It's only a rash.

Wilt, call me later. We'll talk juice. Cher?

My next boyfriend will be born on Tuesday. Whoo!

You're a tramp. Roscoe?

I predict that these ladies will find my new underarm hair irresistible.

Next topic: Outrage of the week. Dionne?

- Safeway wouldn't cash my check. - Cher?

I'm carryin' Macaulay Culkin's baby. Whoo!

Final comments. Jessica?

- Uh, my nipples hurt. - Roscoe?

I'm gettin' high off these paint fumes.

- You're all nuts! - I can fly, man!

You're crazy! Info Group, next week: Economic summit.

And juice, juice, juice, juice!

See ya!

♪♪ [Theme]

[Announcer] Funding for this program provided by the Chubb Group...

Not a foundation, just a bunch of fat guys.

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer] This week, In Living Color asks the question...

what if Bob Hope were black?

What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up?

All right. All right. All right. All right.

I want y'all to put your hands together for this next brother comin' to the stage.

Give it up for Mr. Bob Hope, y'all!

- ♪♪ [Theme] - [Cheering]

Yeah. Hey, this is Bob "Def ComedyJam" Hope here...

and I'm one angry brother, I wanna tell you.

Hey, I'm gettin' kind of tired of white people thinkin'...

I'm gonna steal somethin' just 'cause I'm black.

Hey, what up with that, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, I was in the store the other day.

This saleslady was following me so close. Finally, I turned around and said...

"Hey, look, bitch. Why don't you hop on? I'll give you a piggyback ride."

Yeah.

Yeah, but... Hey, how about these white girls?

Ain't they somethin'? Yeah, they really go for us brothers, don't they?

That's 'cause brothers know how to do the nasty.

- [Man] Yeah! - You know what the nasty is, don't ya?

Yeah. That's the wild thing with an attitude.

See, brothers like to take our time with the ladies, don't we?

Yeah. Man, I'm telling you, it's wild.

We can stick... [Bleep] Hanukkah. Hey, peace! I'm outta here!

♪♪ [Theme]

[Announcer] Sgt. Stacey Koon and other members of the Los Angeles Police Force...

will soon face their second trial...

regarding the violation of the civil rights...

- of motorist Rodney King. - [Siren Wailing]

- ♪♪ [Reggae] - Tonight, we present this special edition...

of Sgt. Stacey Koon on Cops.

[Severe Lisp] I'm Sgt. Stacey Koon, Los Angeles Police.

My job is to right the wrongs...

make the system work...

subdue suspicious subjects by the seashore.

Sorry a-about the spittle.

Uh-oh.

This is car 667. I've just sighted a suspicious male black...

exceeding the speed limit substantially.

He's about seven feet tall with the strength...

of six psychotic sailors on steroids.

I could need air support.

[Woman] What's your location?

- Heading south on Mississippi. - Spell that, please.

M-l-S-S-l... Hey!

- Cut that out, you guys. - [Snickering]

I'll handle this myself.

Okay, up against the wall, Football Williams.

Wow! Are you a real police officer?

What does it matter? Reality, fantasy.

Its all the same to you dust-heads.

Oh. What do you call this, Mr. Machine Gun Kelly?

It's a water pistol... a super soaker.

A super soaker? A super soaker?

That's a semiautomatic sidearm if I've ever seen one!

Now, you get in the squad car...

or you'll be playing Taser tag into next week!

Get in!

[Sighs] See what I mean?

- It's brutal out there. - ♪♪ [Reggae]

[Siren Wailing]

[Announcer] Cops. It's filmed on location as it happens.

All suspects are considered guilty...

until proven innocent in a court oflaw.

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Ends]

- ♪♪ [Woman Singing: Disco] - [Announcer] Public access channel 96...

presents Men on Fitness.

♪♪ [Fades]

Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.

And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together] And welcome to Men on Fitness.

Today's show is brought to you by...

- Mr. Gulp. - Mm-hmm!

- The ultimate protein shake. - Mm-hmm.

It's the second highest source of protein around.

- But it tastes just like the first. - Mm-hmm.

Now, we have looked at lots of different workout tapes...

- but none of'em really work for us. - Mm-hmm.

Like that one... that Cindy Crawford workout.

[Together] Hated it.

- They should have called it "Cindy Crawfish." - Ooh!

- Then there was Jane Fonda's Ultimate Workout. - Mm-hmm.

- Hated it. - Ha... Yes, we did.

They could have just called that A Fish Called Fonda.

Then, of course, there was little Dick Gregory's diet.

You know, I always do what Dick say.

I think you supposed to.

Now, before you begin your workout...

you always got to have you a good stretch.

- Go on, Blayne, show 'em. - That's right.

Most people don't know how important the neck is in fitness.

So we're gonna begin by doing some neck stretches.

And one, and two, and three, and four.

And one, and two, and three, and four...

- Blayne! Blayne! Blayne! - And five, and six...

- What? - Why you keep lookin' to the side?

Because I gotta make sure ain't nobody's coming up behind me.

Ooh!

Oh, well, now it's time to move to the bench press.

Now, weight liftin' can be very dangerous.

That's why you always got to have you a spot.

Garçon!

Ooh, I gotjust five words to describe that... scrump-dee-il-ish-us.

- Mm-mmm! - I need to get me one of these spots for my bedroom.

Now, the bench press really...

is for to build up your upper-body muscles...

makin' 'em ripple with all your "strungth."

Okay, Serge, go ahead and spot him.

You know, the view up from here is heavenly.

Come on, Blayne. Use all your "strungth." Go ahead.

[Squealing]

Come on. Feel the burn. Come on.

I'm flamin'! Get it off me! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

Could you put this in my car, please?

Gee, I am parched.

You know, it's always good to replenish all your fluids any way you can.

Oh, water boy?

Please, sir, I'd like some more.

And no workout would be complete without workin'...

- The gluteus maximus! - Come on, guys! Come on.

Come on, boys!

Okay. So, what you wanna do first is warm up the buttocks muscles.

- Mm-hmm. - And...

one, and two, and three, and four.

- Double-time! - One, two, three, four. Hold!

- And release. - Whoo!

- Come on, everyone. Down on your knees. - Down on your knees!

Ooh, been there, done that.

And one, and two...

- and three, and four. - Double-time!

One, two, three, four!

- Hold. And release. - Whoo!

Okay, everybody down. Down on the other side.

I love this. I'm in control. Here we go.

And one, and two, and three, and four.

- Double-time! - And one, two, three, four!

- Hold. And release. - Whoo!

Okay, and you always wanna end with a great, big old stretch.

[Squeals]

Why-Why we always end like this?

I don't know, but it's great for ventilation.

Just breathe. Don't forget to breathe.

[Inhales, Exhales Loudly]

And that's it! Yea!

- Thank you, boys. - Thank you, boys.

Well, that's all the time we have for this week.

Join us next week when we'll be showing you more exercises for...

- What else? The gluteus maximus. - Here, here.

I think this workout deserves...

[Together] Two snaps and a pelvic thruster.

Until next time, bye-bye. Race you to the showers.

- I think I pulled something. - ♪♪ [Woman Singing: Disco]

Good night, Grandma, and everybody else watching the show.

Thanks. Peace.